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Archive for June 7th, 2009

2 CBS

48 Hours Mystery: Our fourth episode in a row about a woman killed by her husband, who had a secret identity, and other things to make every woman in America paranoid

4 NBC

A quick shot of Gwyneth Paltrow’s slime covered legs on Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show reveals that she is actually a recent alien seed hatchling and body snatcher–right before a large purple tendril shoots out of her mouth, stuns Conan and consumes him.

5 ABC

The Bachelorette: tonight, a cliff-hanger, as the bachelorette tries to choose among the toe-sucker, the coprophagist, the racist ventriloquist and the attorney at Covington & Burling

6 Fox

America’s Most Wanted: Tonight, state police in Kentucky are running out of good serial killer nicknames as they pursue “Benadryl Harry.”

13 PBS

We stir the pot on “Antiques Roadshow” as guest host Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols calls bullshit on this sumptuous bracelet and says that since it is covered with a nickel base metal, it is not true vermeil and so the dealer is likely being a bit disingenuous.

15 History Channel

D-Day is remembered with new reco photographs, film stock, anecdotes, calendars, buttons, commemorative plates, weaponry, knives, bayonet and every last violent fetish object that you might ever need to help you relive every grotesquely violent moment that your traumatic stress disorder requires.

16 TV Land

Or you can watch “The Brady Bunch.”

17 AMC

Why is it taking forever for “Mad Men” to get to the inherent promise in the show’s famed opening credits that Don Draper will jump out a window and die?

18 MTV

“The Hills”: the cast of this “reality” show is surprised to learn that the writers “really” have them all catching herpes this season.

19 TLC

After a scandal, a kidnapping, an intervention by the department of health and human services and an electrical accident, “Jon & Kate Plus 8” is whittled down to a more manageable “Jon & Kate Plus 5.”

20 Lifetime Movie Network

“Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead”: Thinking she’s talking to a deceased grandmother, famous clairvoyant Lisa Williams is actually getting a signal from a living 90-year-old woman in South Florida who wants Lisa to hide her money so she’ll get Medicaid benefits … and other horrifying tales of American health care bureaucracy.

21 Vh-1

A show so awful that just saying its name out loud would debase me and you and the people involved and anybody who has dared love them.

22 Vh-1 Classic

Pink Floyd: Music, Madness, Arbitration

23 E! Entertainment Television

This documentary will get you so close to Jennifer Aniston you will likely start to believe you ARE Jennifer Aniston … the psychotic, murderous version of Jennifer Aniston who speaks in tongues.

24 Cartoon Network

Adult Swim: This cartoon is moody. You can tell because there are extra cross-hatchings under the eyes.

25 Fox News

“The Boy Who Cried Racist.”

25 Fox News

Fox News boldly combs through stacks of documents about Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib in search of the truth.

27 MSNBC

General Motors, Remembered

28 Bloomberg

Chrysler, Remembered

29 Spike TV

Automobiles, Remembered

28 Playboy

Consensual Hate Sex, Remembered

29 Hallmark

Wow, when you look back at it now, “Little House on the Prairie” seems actually dumber than “Three’s Company,” if that were possible.

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What Completely Made-Up Traffic Violations Have The New York City Police Cited You For?

–*Violation of the 24-hour moving rule

–*The standing room only rule

–*The no standing within an inch of where you shouldn’t be standing rule

–*The failure to make a hedge around the Torah standing rule

–*Violation of the 24-hour too-sexy rule

–*Violation of the “too many hot babes in a car” rule

–*Violating the moving and shaking rule

–*Standing at a commuter van stop longer than necessary to pick up passengers, blow your nose or laugh at approximately two paragraphs of material from beloved humorist Dave Barry

–*Driving while dead

–*Driving while intoxicated … with love

–*Driving without agreements with General Motors’ senior bondholders about their rights in a forced liquidation

–*Driving with a stick of butter up your ass

–*Violating the rule against driving while PhotoShopping John Kerry into a handshake with Ho Chi Minh

–*Driving a “car,” which according to French literary critic Roland Barthes is nothing but a meaningless semion

–*Driving a car in New York City, a large built up environment which clearly has no room for such activity

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