Archive for June 30th, 2009

Disgraced money manager Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison on Monday for masterminding a fraudulent Ponzi scheme that lost billions of dollars for its investors over several decades.

His lawyers said that 12 years should be punishment enough, given that his crime was not violent. And yet the judge called Madoff’s actions “extraordinarily evil.”

To give the length of his incarceration some context, let’s look at what has happened in human history over various 150 year periods.

–*If Bernard Madoff’s first day in jail coincided with Napoleon Bonaparte’s victory at Vauchamps, his release date would be set for close to the same day that the Beatles first appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show.

–*If Madoff’s incarceration started on the same day that Great Britain conceded the American Revolutionary War, he would have finally been sprung around the same time Adolf Hitler was appointed Chancellor of Germany.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail on the same month that Uncle Tom’s Cabin was published, he would not have been released until about the same time Britney Spears dumped Justin Timberlake.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail during the same month gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill, launching the California Gold Rush, he wouldn’t have gotten out until the month Matt Drudge found journalistic “gold” by first reporting the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail when the Panama Canal was opened, he’d still have 55 more years to go in prison today.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail when the Prophet Mohammed was born, he wouldn’t have gotten out until the Muslim Empire had already conquered Spain, North Africa, Persia and parts of India.

–*If Madoff were being released today, he would have originally been immured in 1859, when there were only 33 states and slavery was still legal in the south.

–*Madoff’s incarceration is set to last 34 years longer than the entire Tudor dynasty. That’s everybody— Henrys VII and VIII, Elizabeth, Bloody Mary and that sick little punter Edward.

–*Madoff’s incarceration will last 34 years longer than the Hundred Years War, but only because the war actually lasted 116 years. Historians are liars.


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