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Archive for June 8th, 2009

What are the biggest mistakes that job seekers make?

–*Bad-mouthing former employers–more specifically, attacking them for their raging mange and staph infections.

–*Opening with the “sit on my face” joke.

–*Boasting about how you let the company you oversaw, Bear Stearns, collapse while you blithely went off to a bridge tournament in Tennessee because that’s just how big your dick is

–*Failing to admit to your own shortcomings. And no, demanding that you deserved more Grammys and that you were “robbed” at the MTV awards does not count as admitting a shortcoming.

–*Applying for work that it’s not apparent from your resume you are cut out for. For instance, by applying for the job of CEO at JP Morgan Chase because you’re tired of being screwed by small-account fees and you’d like to see what it’s like to screw over helpless people yourself once in a while.

–*Wondering out loud in the interview if hemorrhoids are ever psychosomatic.

–*Telling the story about how in prison you were always afraid to go to the bathroom

–*Making your expertise too generic. Don’t just admit that you hate working with other people. Make a point of saying that it’s really the presumptively arrogant douche bags on your company’s analytical team who are really on the top of your shit list.

–*Trying to save a bad interview by telling the interviewer you have fallen in love with her.

–*Asking the interviewer what his favorite album is and then shouting out “Are you kidding? That band blows!”

–*Admitting that you know this interview is just a sham to fool the compliance people at the company you’re applying to, which was going to hire internally all along anyway, probably some Ivy League yutz who was still sucking on his momma’s titty when you got your degree from the University of North Texas with honors.

–*Admitting that this job will probably not make you happy even if you do get it. Nobody ever gets what they really want. Nobody.

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