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Posts Tagged ‘Bernard Madoff’

Incarcerated swindler Bernie Madoff proved once again he just can’t shut up on Monday as he railed from prison that Oscar host James Franco offered a lackluster and uninspired performance Sunday night at the Academy Awards, and that Anne Hathaway was trying too hard.

“I know I’m no saint,” said the fraudster, now serving a 150-year prison sentence for bilking investors out of tens of billions of dollars. “But I really thought James Franco should have brought it. He thinks he’s all James Dean–that he’s above it all somehow. That doesn’t give the audience confidence. It just makes them hate you. He’s been doing that shtick since ‘Freaks and Geeks.’ and we’re not buying it anymore.”

Madoff also called the SEC a joke, said the entire U.S. government was a Ponzi scheme, and insisted that Anne Hathaway used too many costume changes to make up for her lack of charisma.

“She’s no comedienne,” said Madoff, whose hedge fund was a giant black box promising 10% returns with no underlying securities in it. “I don’t see why they can’t get Billy Crystal back to do the whole thing, not just some lame bit. He knows what comedy is. It means being willing to try anything for a laugh, being willing to fall on your face or use wit barbed with irony. Comedy doesn’t mean glamming it up for a lot of dead-behind-the-eyes teenagers and hoping your C-cups pass for personality.”

Madoff, who has ruined hundreds of families, wiped out billions in wealth and shamed his family, then turned his sights on Melissa Leo, who in an unguarded moment used the “F” word during her Oscar acceptance speech for “The Fighter.”

“This was your moment to shine, and instead you came off like a trailer-park mama with a jug head, bow legs and Vitamin D deficiency. You ought to give that gold statuette back to the artisan gold miner in Nicaragua who dug it out for you.”

Madoff also attacked the rules begun last year that allow 10 nominees into the best picture category.

“If you know the first thing about stock dilution, you know that it cheapens everybody’s share,” said Madoff. “Not that my fund was invested in any stocks, of course. I take full responsibility for my actions, unlike the Academy.”

The ceremony was watched by millions of viewers, including, allegedly, prisoner number 61727-054. It could not be ascertained by press time, however, if Madoff, who looked into the faces and televisions cameras and the eyes of regulators for years and convinced them he had a real business behind the Imperial granite and steel facade of the Lipstick Building, had actually watched the Oscars.

Madoff says he understands that Franco is a polymath currently getting advanced degrees while pursuing his acting career.

“That doesn’t impress me. It seems like he’s hyperactive and taking on more than he can chew. Why not do just one thing well, like acting, rather than jerking me off with your horrible Ryan Seacrest imitation and then pretending like you don’t care.”

Madoff also argued that the Twittering about the Oscars from the backstage and Colin Firth’s early anointment as winner further cheapened the awards.

“The magic is just not there,” said Madoff, who will spend the rest of his life eating jail food. “I don’t know if I’ll watch again next year. But I always like talking to reporters. It’s really lonely in here.”

Oscar Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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–*Inflation might be higher than reported because the reporting agencies keep it artificially low.

–*The personal savings rate going forward might not be enough to re-energize economic growth.

–*Kanye West is an obnoxious bully who must compensate for low self-esteem in childhood by constantly feeling out and redefining his own ego boundaries without any sort of inhibiting social force to stop him.  Given his lack of self-understanding and the sense of powerlessness he likely feels, the gold paraphernalia he wears is of little real value.

–*According to the “efficient market hypothesis,” the market as a whole understands the true value of things because of constant adjustments, value that individuals alone may or may not understand. In other words, the market has developed cognitive thought and will rise from the murky depths like Godzilla and crush you.

–*But really, if the market always knew best, then tell me: Why in the hell are the Jonas Brothers still popular?

–*Too much government intervention hurts the economy. This is said with much conviction these days by people who live in trailers.

–*Supply side economic advocates say that increased private sector investment creates extra supply that foments its own demand. Keynesian economists, on the other hand, say that increased governmental spending on infrastructure causes a cascade of spending and growth in the economy. Either way, it tends to help Steven Spielberg.

–*People during fashion week look totally “money” as Vince Vaughn said in Swingers.

–*People who adhere with ideological purity to their small government beliefs will destroy the economy, the government, you, me and themselves before they ever let that particular conviction of theirs die–and thus let the intellectual insecurity behind it stand naked.

–*The market is efficient and people know everything they need to know to make an informed decision. Except, of course, Bernie Madoff’s clients. Boy, did those guys ever get fucked in the ass!

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Disgraced money manager Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison on Monday for masterminding a fraudulent Ponzi scheme that lost billions of dollars for its investors over several decades.

His lawyers said that 12 years should be punishment enough, given that his crime was not violent. And yet the judge called Madoff’s actions “extraordinarily evil.”

To give the length of his incarceration some context, let’s look at what has happened in human history over various 150 year periods.

–*If Bernard Madoff’s first day in jail coincided with Napoleon Bonaparte’s victory at Vauchamps, his release date would be set for close to the same day that the Beatles first appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show.

–*If Madoff’s incarceration started on the same day that Great Britain conceded the American Revolutionary War, he would have finally been sprung around the same time Adolf Hitler was appointed Chancellor of Germany.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail on the same month that Uncle Tom’s Cabin was published, he would not have been released until about the same time Britney Spears dumped Justin Timberlake.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail during the same month gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill, launching the California Gold Rush, he wouldn’t have gotten out until the month Matt Drudge found journalistic “gold” by first reporting the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail when the Panama Canal was opened, he’d still have 55 more years to go in prison today.

–*If Madoff had gone to jail when the Prophet Mohammed was born, he wouldn’t have gotten out until the Muslim Empire had already conquered Spain, North Africa, Persia and parts of India.

–*If Madoff were being released today, he would have originally been immured in 1859, when there were only 33 states and slavery was still legal in the south.

–*Madoff’s incarceration is set to last 34 years longer than the entire Tudor dynasty. That’s everybody— Henrys VII and VIII, Elizabeth, Bloody Mary and that sick little punter Edward.

–*Madoff’s incarceration will last 34 years longer than the Hundred Years War, but only because the war actually lasted 116 years. Historians are liars.

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(Originally posted Monday, January 05, 2009)

Bernard Madoff Confesses That Ponzi Scheme Was Motivated By Need To Make People Happy

New York (AP) Disgraced money manager Bernard Madoff admitted this week that his sole motivation in setting up a giant Ponzi scheme, one that defrauded investors of $50 billion, was just to make people happy.

“I love to see people smile, and nothing does so more than guaranteed 10% annual returns,” Madoff confessed. “Oh sure, it looks like a mistake now, but you should have been here when Gladys McKetchum of Woodmere, N.Y. got her first statement in 1999 and realized she could retire in style. Her smile was like riding a rainbow. I thought: making people gush with joy is why we got into this business in the first place, isn’t it?'”

Madoff is accused of setting up a giant scheme to defraud investors by paying off the returns of old clients with new investors’ proceeds. A bank call on his fund, however, eventually caused his scheme to unravel and he had to admit to federal investigators that most of the money was simply gone.

“At first, I was doing it just because I wasn’t sure what to invest in,” said Madoff. “Then after a while, I just liked the feeling I got when I told some widow or some endowment or some charity that’s trying to cure AIDS that their investment had hit the boffo 10% annual return yet again for another year. It’s like you are spreading sunshine and giving people hope. I’ve got to tell you, giving gives you such a good feeling, that whatever it is, they ought to bottle it.”

“I hope hell hounds spend eternity eating his bowels,” said Grace Trombley who lost her life savings with Madoff. “Now I’m working at 7-11 in the 11-7 a.m. slot cleaning toilets. I hope his face is eaten by a demoness whose lower extremities are made out of screeching dogs.”

Madoff said that he’s enjoyed making people happy for as far back as he can remember. Among other things, he likes to flatter and tell stories and regale people in his lush houses.

“I like to use what I call the think system,” he said. “I’ve always believed that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

“I remember a time when we used to cover people like him with molten black pitch that would disfigure him and rip off flesh and hair,” said Leslie Williams, a 90-year-old pensioner from south Florida. “I don’t see why we should treat him any better today.”

As a crowd of seething investors ripped off by Madoff gathered to protest in December, his wife Ruth came forward.

“Shame on you people!” she said. “Don’t you remember what this town was like before Bernard Madoff came? Do you? And after he came. Suddenly there were things to do and people to see and people to go out of your way for.”

Madoff said that what he wants most to be remembered for is letting people know that there is something more important than money in this life.

“It’s about dreams, this business,” he said as he faced years and years in prison. “It’s not just about 10% guaranteed annual returns, because let’s face it–there’s no such thing. Instead, it’s about people being able to dream. To believe in things and have high hopes. It’s about the kid with a quarter in his pocket who wants to open a bubble gum factory. It’s about the man who wants to retire to Florida and buy a boat and spend his days fishing. It’s about the man who wants a better life for his immigrant family. That’s what I most hope I gave briefly to all of these people I so ably defrauded.”

FBI agent Laura Gunderson had a tear in her eye as Madoff read his statement.

“We all have to hold onto our dreams,” she said. “I think that’s the idea Bernie Madoff has given me more than anything else. But if you’ll excuse me, I have to take this sad sorry fucker to jail now.”

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