2 CBS
48 Hours Mystery: Our fourth episode in a row about a woman killed by her husband, who had a secret identity, and other things to make every woman in America paranoid
4 NBC
A quick shot of Gwyneth Paltrow’s slime covered legs on Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show reveals that she is actually a recent alien seed hatchling and body snatcher–right before a large purple tendril shoots out of her mouth, stuns Conan and consumes him.
5 ABC
The Bachelorette: tonight, a cliff-hanger, as the bachelorette tries to choose among the toe-sucker, the coprophagist, the racist ventriloquist and the attorney at Covington & Burling
6 Fox
America’s Most Wanted: Tonight, state police in Kentucky are running out of good serial killer nicknames as they pursue “Benadryl Harry.”
13 PBS
We stir the pot on “Antiques Roadshow” as guest host Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols calls bullshit on this sumptuous bracelet and says that since it is covered with a nickel base metal, it is not true vermeil and so the dealer is likely being a bit disingenuous.
15 History Channel
D-Day is remembered with new reco photographs, film stock, anecdotes, calendars, buttons, commemorative plates, weaponry, knives, bayonet and every last violent fetish object that you might ever need to help you relive every grotesquely violent moment that your traumatic stress disorder requires.
16 TV Land
Or you can watch “The Brady Bunch.”
17 AMC
Why is it taking forever for “Mad Men” to get to the inherent promise in the show’s famed opening credits that Don Draper will jump out a window and die?
18 MTV
“The Hills”: the cast of this “reality” show is surprised to learn that the writers “really” have them all catching herpes this season.
19 TLC
After a scandal, a kidnapping, an intervention by the department of health and human services and an electrical accident, “Jon & Kate Plus 8” is whittled down to a more manageable “Jon & Kate Plus 5.”
20 Lifetime Movie Network
“Lisa Williams: Life Among the Dead”: Thinking she’s talking to a deceased grandmother, famous clairvoyant Lisa Williams is actually getting a signal from a living 90-year-old woman in South Florida who wants Lisa to hide her money so she’ll get Medicaid benefits … and other horrifying tales of American health care bureaucracy.
21 Vh-1
A show so awful that just saying its name out loud would debase me and you and the people involved and anybody who has dared love them.
22 Vh-1 Classic
Pink Floyd: Music, Madness, Arbitration
23 E! Entertainment Television
This documentary will get you so close to Jennifer Aniston you will likely start to believe you ARE Jennifer Aniston … the psychotic, murderous version of Jennifer Aniston who speaks in tongues.
24 Cartoon Network
Adult Swim: This cartoon is moody. You can tell because there are extra cross-hatchings under the eyes.
25 Fox News
“The Boy Who Cried Racist.”
25 Fox News
Fox News boldly combs through stacks of documents about Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib in search of the truth.
27 MSNBC
General Motors, Remembered
28 Bloomberg
Chrysler, Remembered
29 Spike TV
Automobiles, Remembered
28 Playboy
Consensual Hate Sex, Remembered
29 Hallmark
Wow, when you look back at it now, “Little House on the Prairie” seems actually dumber than “Three’s Company,” if that were possible.
Beauty is Imperfection 
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