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Archive for April, 2009

Oscar Surprises

(Originally posted Monday, February 23, 2009)

What were some of the highlights of the 2009 Academy Awards?

–*Wild huskies ran through the hall and devoured a stunning silver Versace gown with silver lame and paillettes after ripping it off Oscar winner Catherine Zeta-Jones.

–*A large bow descending from the d├ęcolletage of Jessica Biel actually turned out to be a rope of cotton bed sheets for three Rikers Island prisoners escaping from her cleavage.

–*Sarah Jessica Parker described the color of her Christian Dior haute couture dress as “barely animal tranquilizer blue.”

–*”High School Musical” star Zac Efron got caught in a microphone wire during a musical number but was too afraid to stop performing and so garroted himself to death singing

–*This year during the presentations for actor awards, past winners spoke directly to the nominees, telling them what they had accomplished, describing their strengths and weaknesses, and telling them that they were now ready to be Jedis.

–*The red carpet shows noted repeatedly how clean Robert Downey Jr. was.

–*Beyonce Knowles wore a black dress with gold embroidery that depicted the invasion of Ancient Greece by Xerxes, including the rape of Athens, in its entirety.

–*Photographers yelled out to the celebrities where to stand, how to look and what to do as if they were actually soulless chimps whose lives are a joyless exercise in disaffection.

–*…and we’ve got it live with Giuliana Rancic

–*”Turn to your right Sarah Jessica … to your right Sarah Jessica … to your right Sarah Jessica

–*A four-minute montage honored the lives of all the non-famous.

–*A ten-minute montage honored movies that make money.

–*Penelope Cruz’s win proved once again that Oscar likes you better when you’re not near Tom Cruise.

–*Hugh Jackman offered a musical tribute to the death of investment bank Bear Stearns.

–*After their team scored a late in the game goal, Manchester United fans stormed the stage, broke glass and tore down panels and wainscoting.

–*Trying to outdo the other presenters, Michael Douglas saluted Oscar nominee Frank Langella by saying all the other actors in his category would be put to death if he had it his way.

–*Jennifer Aniston presented a tall, golden, statuesque man to Angelina Jolie two years ago.

–*Eva Marie Saint: Not dead.

–*Angelina Jolie sported a new tattoo across her back that stated the terms and conditions of use of Angelina Jolie.

–*Kate Winslet cried out loud, insulting the dignity of the crown and fostering the further erosion of the once-great British Empire.

–*The producers of “Slumdog Millionaire” praised their award by saying it illuminated the plight of India’s slum dwellers everywhere.

–*Sean Penn praised Mickey Rourke’s nomination saying it illuminated the plight of pugnacious drunk Irishmen everywhere.

–*A Zogby poll found that Mickey Rourke’s loss for best actor meant the show was 50% less entertaining than it could have been had he given a speech.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 20, 2009)

It’s a very small milestone, but I finally got my own page on the Internet Movie Database this week. It took a LONG time. I’m not bitter, but I’d had friends in the past–not professional actors, mind you–who had gotten into the IMDB simply by playing extras in some movie. So I was a bit miffed when they told me last year I didn’t qualify with my bevy of very entertaining shorts and my Web series.

That all changed when my film S&M Queen for a Day played the DeadCenter Film Festival in Oklahoma City last year. I have to thank my sister for nagging me to enter it.

So thank you, Lori. You win you little ninny! Happy?

Check out my page here:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3303733/

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 18, 2009)

My wife Stephanie and I have some big news about our Web series “The Retributioners.”

We’ll be joining a promotional campaign for “The Watchmen” with our partners at the company For Your Imagination, which features our show on its Axis of Comedy network.

You can read an article about it on Tubefilter.

Remember, you can watch “The Retributioners” at Axis of Comedy.TV or at our home page.

If you haven’t joined our Facebook fan page, you can ask me how!

P.S. I just want to clear up any misunderstanding from our friends who think we might be suddenly rich after reading the Tubefilter article: The six-figure deal we mentioned goes to For Your Imagination the company and the package is then split up into little bits for each production. So, thanks for the well-wishes, but Stephanie and I will NOT be able to buy a house with this money.

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(Originally posted Monday, February 16, 2009)

Los Angeles, Calif. (API) Now that she has finished using him for mating purposes, Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie has begun consuming film star Brad Pitt, the father of her children, it was reported Thursday. The couple’s last two children were born in July 2008, and following a hectic season of movie releases, Jolie began the oft-observed natural phenomenon of sexual cannibalism that brought a swift end to Pitt’s life and career.

Jolie, the internationally renowned film star, multiple-Golden Globe winner and goodwill ambassador to the U.N. Refugee Agency, started eating Pitt, star of 2008’s The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, sometime last week on the couple’s giant bed, and it is not certain whether she has quite finished gorging on him.

“It’s a sad day,” said Pitt’s friend George Clooney. “But that’s the miracle of life. It happens.”

Pitt and Jolie first encountered each other on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith in 2005, sparking an international scandal when tabloid rumors swirled that she had broken up Pitt’s marriage to Jennifer Aniston. Jolie soon became pregnant with Pitt’s child, Shiloh Nouvel-Jolie Pitt, and Pitt has since sired two other biological children by Jolie, the twins Knox and Vivienne, which they’ve added to a brood of three other adopted children, Maddox, Pax and Zahara.

“This is true Hollywood royalty, and a truly new kind of American family,” said former Vanity Fair Tina Brown. “It was sad that it had to end this way, but nature took its course, and we humbly regard its mysteries.”

Susan Sarandon, Pitt’s co-star in Thelma & Louise, remembered him as a dynamic movie star whose presence and sexual charisma were so appealing, she joked, that he could arouse the mating instincts of almost anybody–no matter what their gender, sexual persuasion, breed, order, class or phylum.

“He was one of the bright lights of our industry,” said Julia Roberts. “I can’t tell you what a loss this is. But of course, he knew what he was doing.”

Sexual cannibalism is often found in cases of sexual dimorphism, when the female is much larger than the male. Biologists have noted that there are many reproductive advantages to the behavior, such as the female’s ability to root out inferior DNA by eating males before reproduction, and of course the male’s nutritional value, which can lead to a more rugged brood.

Jolie has been married to two other mates, Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller, but many observers said that these men were inferior specimens who were unable to supply Jolie with the superior genetic material she required. Neither man was consumed by Jolie.

“I guess I dodged a bullet there,” said Thornton. “Really, I wish Angie all the best.”

Pitt, an Oklahoma native, rose to meteoric international fame with the films A River Runs Through It, Legends of the Fall, Interview With the Vampire, Seven and 12 Monkeys.

Jolie, who at first tried to downplay their affair on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, eventually admitted that she had immediately seen Pitt’s biological advantages, his statuesque features, his strong square jaw, high forehead, facial symmetry, erect posture and good waist-to-shoulder ratio.

“And of course People magazine said he was the sexiest man alive, which confirmed these genetic traits,” said Jolie. “It was fairly clear we would mate.”

Jolie, star of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood, and she’s now up for another Academy Award for best actress for her role in The Changeling. She will likely accept the award for Pitt if he wins the Oscar for Benjamin Button, though she was still unavailable for comment while she finished eating the father of her children. In advance of the Oscar presentation, it is likely she is incubating many eggs now, say scientists, though it is unclear how many of them will survive the first molt.

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(Originally posted Monday, February 16, 2009)

2 CBS
“Everybody Loves Raymond” rerun followed by the new hit show “Fourteen Kids Are Financially Dependent On Nadya”

3 NBC
Dateline: Ann Curry fails to find 14 men who would have had sex with Nadya Suleman.

5 ABC
“Nobody Loves Me, But I’ll Show Them What I Can Do With My Uterus: The Nadya Suleman Story,” an ABC Movie Event

6 Fox
Aliens Burst Out of Lisa Rinna’s Face

10 CNN
Anderson Cooper asks the day’s most important question: Should doctors give Nadya Suleman a marsupial pouch if she demands it?

13 PBS
“American Stamps” ratchets up the tension this week as two philatelic nerds have a knife fight over the fat-thin Elvis controversy

14 History Channel
Top 10 Imperialist Oops

15 Animal Planet
It would be too difficult to explain to you why a naked mole rat is interesting, so we’re pretty much just trotting out Nessie and Bigfoot again.

16 Discovery Health
“Rosemary’s Dilemma.” How you can tell if you’re carrying Satan’s baby.

17 Discovery Health
“I Didn’t Know I Was Stupid” and other things only discovered in the emergency room

18 DIY
“Yard Crashers”: This week, the Yard Crashers are putting up concertina wire, mortar and a makeshift concrete wall around your village.

19 E! Entertainment
E! News: We’ve pretty much decided that we’re going to spend all our time trying to drive Joaquin Phoenix to commit suicide if we can.

20 MTV
The Real World, Brooklyn: It seems the only people getting along here are Palestinians and Israelis.

22 MTV
Yo! MTV Diverts Water From Palestinian Refugee Camps

23 Fox News
Huckabee Unbound

24 Ovation

Black History Month continues with a look at how jazz broke down racial barriers

25 Golf
Black History Month continues with a look out how the game of golf broke down racial barriers

26 Food
Black History Month continues with a look at how pesto broke down racial barriers

27 Playboy
Black History Month continues with a look at how Larry Flynt broke down racial barriers

28 Spike TV
Black History Month continues as blacks and whites come together to laugh at the Japanese.

29 IFC
“Monster’s Ball” still doesn’t make a bit of sense, but at least there’s a lot of hot sex with Halle Berry and Heath Ledger.

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Lucky 13

(Originally posted Wednesday, February 11, 2009)

Stephanie and I hoped to put up Episode 13 of “The Retributioners” this week, but we got a bit of good news on the business front that will force us to hold it for another week or so.

In the meantime, enjoy this utterly creepy video Stephanie’s friend found on YouTube:

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 11, 2009)

What more complicated emotions are we now seeing more of on greeting cards?

–*Thanks for not coming to my birthday party. Drop dead.

–*My boob isn’t a can of beer. Be more gentle in the future. And Happy Valentine’s Day.

–*I’m sorry that your horrible tragedy doesn’t make me like you any better.

–*I’m so sorry I’ve put both of us in the awkward position of having to acknowledge your loss.

–*You’re not getting any of my money.

–*I’m sorry there’s no greeting I can comfort you with since I’m a staunch nihilist.

–*On this Valentine’s Day, let’s remind each other that even though we’re in love, we both probably have vastly different ideas about what that means, and so the whole thing is likely to end horribly, but let’s give ourselves points for trying.

–*I’m suing you for assault and battery.

–*Thanks for being a good enough friend to not tell me how you really feel.

–*I know I don’t know you, but I’m new at the office and they ordered me to sign your birthday card anyway to ingratiate myself with the chief administrative assistant. But as long as we’re here, tell me: Who are you and what do you look like?

–*Congratulations on graduating and becoming exactly what your mother wanted you to be.

–*Happy birthday and I can no longer be friends with you as long as you’re seeing that guy.

–*We’re sure your cat is in heaven or in an acceptable politically correct place you would like us to wish her to be.

–*You suck, respectfully.

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