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Archive for April, 2009

(Originally posted Monday, February 16, 2009)

Los Angeles, Calif. (API) Now that she has finished using him for mating purposes, Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie has begun consuming film star Brad Pitt, the father of her children, it was reported Thursday. The couple’s last two children were born in July 2008, and following a hectic season of movie releases, Jolie began the oft-observed natural phenomenon of sexual cannibalism that brought a swift end to Pitt’s life and career.

Jolie, the internationally renowned film star, multiple-Golden Globe winner and goodwill ambassador to the U.N. Refugee Agency, started eating Pitt, star of 2008’s The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, sometime last week on the couple’s giant bed, and it is not certain whether she has quite finished gorging on him.

“It’s a sad day,” said Pitt’s friend George Clooney. “But that’s the miracle of life. It happens.”

Pitt and Jolie first encountered each other on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith in 2005, sparking an international scandal when tabloid rumors swirled that she had broken up Pitt’s marriage to Jennifer Aniston. Jolie soon became pregnant with Pitt’s child, Shiloh Nouvel-Jolie Pitt, and Pitt has since sired two other biological children by Jolie, the twins Knox and Vivienne, which they’ve added to a brood of three other adopted children, Maddox, Pax and Zahara.

“This is true Hollywood royalty, and a truly new kind of American family,” said former Vanity Fair Tina Brown. “It was sad that it had to end this way, but nature took its course, and we humbly regard its mysteries.”

Susan Sarandon, Pitt’s co-star in Thelma & Louise, remembered him as a dynamic movie star whose presence and sexual charisma were so appealing, she joked, that he could arouse the mating instincts of almost anybody–no matter what their gender, sexual persuasion, breed, order, class or phylum.

“He was one of the bright lights of our industry,” said Julia Roberts. “I can’t tell you what a loss this is. But of course, he knew what he was doing.”

Sexual cannibalism is often found in cases of sexual dimorphism, when the female is much larger than the male. Biologists have noted that there are many reproductive advantages to the behavior, such as the female’s ability to root out inferior DNA by eating males before reproduction, and of course the male’s nutritional value, which can lead to a more rugged brood.

Jolie has been married to two other mates, Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller, but many observers said that these men were inferior specimens who were unable to supply Jolie with the superior genetic material she required. Neither man was consumed by Jolie.

“I guess I dodged a bullet there,” said Thornton. “Really, I wish Angie all the best.”

Pitt, an Oklahoma native, rose to meteoric international fame with the films A River Runs Through It, Legends of the Fall, Interview With the Vampire, Seven and 12 Monkeys.

Jolie, who at first tried to downplay their affair on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, eventually admitted that she had immediately seen Pitt’s biological advantages, his statuesque features, his strong square jaw, high forehead, facial symmetry, erect posture and good waist-to-shoulder ratio.

“And of course People magazine said he was the sexiest man alive, which confirmed these genetic traits,” said Jolie. “It was fairly clear we would mate.”

Jolie, star of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood, and she’s now up for another Academy Award for best actress for her role in The Changeling. She will likely accept the award for Pitt if he wins the Oscar for Benjamin Button, though she was still unavailable for comment while she finished eating the father of her children. In advance of the Oscar presentation, it is likely she is incubating many eggs now, say scientists, though it is unclear how many of them will survive the first molt.

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(Originally posted Monday, February 16, 2009)

2 CBS
“Everybody Loves Raymond” rerun followed by the new hit show “Fourteen Kids Are Financially Dependent On Nadya”

3 NBC
Dateline: Ann Curry fails to find 14 men who would have had sex with Nadya Suleman.

5 ABC
“Nobody Loves Me, But I’ll Show Them What I Can Do With My Uterus: The Nadya Suleman Story,” an ABC Movie Event

6 Fox
Aliens Burst Out of Lisa Rinna’s Face

10 CNN
Anderson Cooper asks the day’s most important question: Should doctors give Nadya Suleman a marsupial pouch if she demands it?

13 PBS
“American Stamps” ratchets up the tension this week as two philatelic nerds have a knife fight over the fat-thin Elvis controversy

14 History Channel
Top 10 Imperialist Oops

15 Animal Planet
It would be too difficult to explain to you why a naked mole rat is interesting, so we’re pretty much just trotting out Nessie and Bigfoot again.

16 Discovery Health
“Rosemary’s Dilemma.” How you can tell if you’re carrying Satan’s baby.

17 Discovery Health
“I Didn’t Know I Was Stupid” and other things only discovered in the emergency room

18 DIY
“Yard Crashers”: This week, the Yard Crashers are putting up concertina wire, mortar and a makeshift concrete wall around your village.

19 E! Entertainment
E! News: We’ve pretty much decided that we’re going to spend all our time trying to drive Joaquin Phoenix to commit suicide if we can.

20 MTV
The Real World, Brooklyn: It seems the only people getting along here are Palestinians and Israelis.

22 MTV
Yo! MTV Diverts Water From Palestinian Refugee Camps

23 Fox News
Huckabee Unbound

24 Ovation

Black History Month continues with a look at how jazz broke down racial barriers

25 Golf
Black History Month continues with a look out how the game of golf broke down racial barriers

26 Food
Black History Month continues with a look at how pesto broke down racial barriers

27 Playboy
Black History Month continues with a look at how Larry Flynt broke down racial barriers

28 Spike TV
Black History Month continues as blacks and whites come together to laugh at the Japanese.

29 IFC
“Monster’s Ball” still doesn’t make a bit of sense, but at least there’s a lot of hot sex with Halle Berry and Heath Ledger.

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Lucky 13

(Originally posted Wednesday, February 11, 2009)

Stephanie and I hoped to put up Episode 13 of “The Retributioners” this week, but we got a bit of good news on the business front that will force us to hold it for another week or so.

In the meantime, enjoy this utterly creepy video Stephanie’s friend found on YouTube:

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 11, 2009)

What more complicated emotions are we now seeing more of on greeting cards?

–*Thanks for not coming to my birthday party. Drop dead.

–*My boob isn’t a can of beer. Be more gentle in the future. And Happy Valentine’s Day.

–*I’m sorry that your horrible tragedy doesn’t make me like you any better.

–*I’m so sorry I’ve put both of us in the awkward position of having to acknowledge your loss.

–*You’re not getting any of my money.

–*I’m sorry there’s no greeting I can comfort you with since I’m a staunch nihilist.

–*On this Valentine’s Day, let’s remind each other that even though we’re in love, we both probably have vastly different ideas about what that means, and so the whole thing is likely to end horribly, but let’s give ourselves points for trying.

–*I’m suing you for assault and battery.

–*Thanks for being a good enough friend to not tell me how you really feel.

–*I know I don’t know you, but I’m new at the office and they ordered me to sign your birthday card anyway to ingratiate myself with the chief administrative assistant. But as long as we’re here, tell me: Who are you and what do you look like?

–*Congratulations on graduating and becoming exactly what your mother wanted you to be.

–*Happy birthday and I can no longer be friends with you as long as you’re seeing that guy.

–*We’re sure your cat is in heaven or in an acceptable politically correct place you would like us to wish her to be.

–*You suck, respectfully.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 06, 2009)

Gaithersburg, Kentucky (API) — Your semi-retarded boyfriend, Kyle Robillard believes you are having an affair after reading your cell phone spam, it was reported today.

Robillard, a semi-employed glass cutter who drives a 1972 Honda, earlier today read your cell phone messages, one of which said “Call me for free penis creme” and instantly assumed that it might be some ex-boyfriend you never talk about. Highly suspicious, Robillard then followed you to work in his Honda down Interstate 75 North toward Lexington, sat in line behind you at the drive-through bank, and stood outside while you went to check your post office box.

“Where the f*** are you going,” screamed Robillard, suddenly ambushing you near the Krispy Kreme. “Get in my car, bitch.”

Angry at this type of behavior, but also secretly flattered, you yelled “Screw you, I’m just going for latte. Screw you.”

“You’re a fuckin’ whore,” said Robillard. “Some guy’s writin’ you about his penis. You’re a fuckin’ liar.”

“Look how stupid you’re acting,” you said.

Robillard proceeded to kick the driver’s side door of his own car until the chrome body strips peeled off.

“We’re done,” Robillard said, to which you replied, “What a big baby.”

He then got in his car and drove off but came back and said he had all the proof he needed you were having an affair based on the long and intimate-sounding penis-creme spam you received.

“I got the proof you’re a whore,” Robillard said. “I got it right here in my hand.”

“Take me to court,” you screamed as you got in your own car. “You’re not the boss of me. Give me my cell phone back. You’re a spy and a crazy person.”

He then got back in his car and was about to drive it at you just to scare you when a police officer showed up and asked you if there was a problem.

“Fuckin’ whore is cheating,” said Robillard, who has several times flunked his high school diploma equivalency exam.

The officer, Dale Patchoughe of the Gaithersburg Police Department, asked if he could see the phone in question. After looking at it for a few moments, he quickly surmised that the cell phone message, which addressed you by name and which indeed seemed intimate, was actually “one of these spamming messages you get through the computer” and there was a very good chance you were not cheating on Robillard at all.

Robillard began to cry and say he was sorry, and Officer Patchoughe let him off with a warning. You then went up to Robillard, touched that he cared so much about you to follow you around.

Later that night, you and Robillard shared a romantic dinner at the same Krispy Kreme and had a big laugh.

“You big dodo,” you said to Robillard. “I love you.”

Robillard answered incoherently with half of a chocolate custard doughnut stuffed in his mouth.

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(Originally posted Friday, February 06, 2009)

I don’t know if you ever saw this, but the actress who played lunatic wife Sadie in “The Retributioners Episode 7” is also semi-famous for this Perdue Chicken commercial. Check it out:

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(Originally posted Thursday, February 05, 2009)

Fort Wayne, Ind. (API) Ninety-three-year-old Fort Wayne resident Marion Loudermilk told her five children and eight grandchildren on Wednesday that she refuses to tell any of her brood where she has squirreled away her savings unless for some reason they bring TV star Andy Griffith to her beside at County Hospital.

“I love you all very much,” she said. “But I lived through the Depression and two great wars, and I know never to tell anybody where your money is. The only person you can trust is Matlock.”

The Loudermilk children have been asking their family matriarch for weeks how much she has in savings so that they can make important decisions about her well-being, particularly now that she needs 24-hour home care to feed and bathe herself.

“We found mom crawling around in a pool of sick and corn flakes,” said Loudermilk’s daughter June Tyburn. “I’ve asked mom several times if she won’t change her mind. We need to get her a home care nurse technician, and Medicaid said they won’t help unless they know how much money she has. So when I told mom that it was for her own good, she said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll write you a five-dollar check for your birthday.'”

Griffith, star of such TV classics as “The Andy Griffith Show” and “Matlock,” shows in which he played, respectively, a small-town sheriff and an irascible but unflappably scrupulous defense attorney, was not available for comment, though his publicist did send Loudermilk a signed autograph that she kept near her hospital bed.

Loudermilk’s son Brian Stephens, from her first marriage, said that his mother was slowly losing her memory and that soon she might not even be able to remember where she was keeping her largesse, which they hoped they could use to care for her in a prudent way with irrevocable power of attorney or perhaps guardianship.

“We don’t even know much she has or in what form,” Stephens said. “It could be in an annuity. It could be in a CD. It could be in a suitcase full of cash buried in the friggin’ back yard. We don’t even know if we can pay for her to go into a nursing home or assisted living because every time we ask her where her money is, she reminds me to make sure Cox hasn’t turned off her cable. How are we supposed to keep her from living at home in her own crap?”

“I love Brian,” said Loudermilk. “He’ll never touch my money ever.”

Jeremiah Reese, an elder care attorney from Indianapolis who has been asked to represent the Loudermilk children, says it is common for older people to want to hold on to money. They often want to leave some behind to their children as their legacy on Earth, he says. Past economic cataclysms have also made it more likely that they will put their money in unorthodox places where it will not appreciate, but rather lose value.

However, Loudermilk’s insistence that Andy Griffith would be a suitable intermediary was a new wrinkle.

“I’ve got to say, if Andy Griffith did decide to come to our town and intercede on the Loudermilk children’s behalf, I’d be willing to cut a deal with him. Marion’s almost completely demented at this point.”

“Sheriff Andy always seemed like a reasonable guy,” said Loudermilk’s granddaughter Laura Loudermilk. “Hey, I’m open to anything at this point. It’s almost like God was speaking to grandma through the television whenever Matlock comes on. I don’t know how else we’re going to pull the money out of her decrepit, clenched fist, frankly.”

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(Originally posted Tuesday, February 03, 2009)

“Plus”

“Minus”

“Yes”

“No”

“Hell no.”

“Positive. For drugs.”

“Down two quarts”

“Jackpot!”

“You are have long life. Lucky Numbers: 35, 68, 92”

“Joker! Joker! Joker!”

“Too much chlorine in pool.”

“Where in the fuck do you think you’re going to put that baby?”

“You’re too young to be using this”

“This ain’t an Etch-A-Sketch. Your Eggo’s Preggo, Home Skillet”

“You are pregnant. The NSA has been notified”

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(Originally posted Monday, February 02, 2009)

Adelaide, Vermont (API) — Everybody at Hutter Farms, a free-love hippie commune in upstate Vermont, wants to sleep with the new blonde 23-year-old arrival Bethany Woodruff, the commune’s leaders reported today. Though all comers are welcome to the community, which its elders describe as a village of peace, labor and brotherhood, the elder members are a bit nonplussed by the presence of the almost-six-foot-tall blonde, whose milk-white skin and highly erotic facial structure, they worry, could upset the order of the community.

“This is just a nightmare,” said Marion “Mother Hen” Dubrowski. “The other night at the tribal meeting we asked who’d like to work with Bethany on the grist mill and about 95% of the tribe raised their hands. I mean, how could we get anything done if all we ever did was separate chaff? Am I going crazy?”

Hutter Farms, a “back-to-the-land” commune built in 1975 to espouse the values of labor, eco-friendly energy and anarcho-primitivism, has also had a free-love belief system since inception. This has led its members to tear up old social conventions, and so members ask each other for sex in weekly group meetings in which everyone is involved. As part of the mating dance, everyone weighs in with their feelings, and if the sex is to be consummated, the whole group chimes in with a mating dance with horns and songs and goat’s urine.

“I’m all about free love, but I just threw down the clipboard when I saw Bethany coming,” said tribal elder Peter “Gray Wulf” Jones. “Every once in a while this happens. Some little hottie comes along and shreds the revolutionary social fabric. I’m really depressed.”

Woodruff, a B.A. graduate in botany from Syracuse University, is five feet 11 inches with fluent limbs, a good chest, and a smattering of freckles. She came to the colony with her husband Jim Woodruff so that they could “get away from the depredations of modern industrial culture,” they said.

“Honestly, though, it was really Jimmy’s idea,” said Bethany. “Now I’m in this pit every night and each time I get here some old hippie wants to have a go at me. I’m a little frightened.”

The nightly gatherings were arranged in 1976 as a way for members to be able to ask for sex in ways that were not socially awkward.

“The old system of marriage is just so backward,” said Milton “Antler Warrior” Schonstein. “Here, it’s just laid back. You’ve got the whole camp behind you helping you tell the girl you’re attracted to that you’d love to share sex with her. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s just so much better than regular society.”

“I’m not going anywhere near that guy,” said Bethany Woodruff when asked if she would like to sleep with Schonstein. “He’s got shit in his hair.”

Hutter Farms was formed as many urbanites fled the Vietnam War and decided to recreate American society in a new pastoral idiom that eschewed war, meat, unsustainable energy and, most important, sexual inhibition.

“If we were all having sex more, there would be no more war,” said 90-year-old “Pa Hutter” who founded the society after leaving a job at Dow Chemical in 1968 over a stock options argument. “Everyone rise tonight and say who it is you’d like to express your love to!”

“Bethany!” yelled everybody.

Among the other values embodied by the community are radical self-expression, respect for mother nature, respect of spirituality in all forms that are not patriarchal or demeaning, and the enlightenment that comes with cleansing the doorways of perception.

“Bethany is a great soul,” said Schonstein. “She’s come here because she’s curious and looking for answers and the deteriorating industrial ideal just held nothing for her anymore. She’s like Eve in the Garden of Eden. Naked. So naked. I really get her.”

“They want me to go to the tribal meeting tonight and talk me into having sex with somebody who’s got crab lice,” Bethany said. “Wait! Did you hear that? They’re talking about me. Somebody’s in the bushes!”

According to the tribal log, those who have expressed a desire to have sex with Woodruff are 21-year-old Denny “God Breeze” McClaine; 25-year-old Johnny “Banjo” Gansevoort; 53-year-old Michael “Dizzy Hawk” Hochstein; 28-year-old Richie “Eglantine” Prichard; 22-year-old Lyle “Rabbit Foot” Babbit; 52-year-old Sheila “Moonchild” Daniels; 62-year-old Marion “Mother Hen” Dubrowski; 72-year-old Mavis “Ghost Dog” Searling; 19-year-old Dennis “Hiawatha” Ostin; 90-year-old Lenny “Pa” Hutter; 13-year-old Starshine Mathers; 7-year-old Jake “Doolittle” Smalls; 14-year-old Charlotte “Moonbeam” Pasternak; and 42-year-old Dolores “Squeaky” Procnow.

A notable exception was Woodruff’s husband Jim.

“I’m just so over attachments and strings,” said Jim Woodruff. “I was really an unevolved person before, and I think it was holding Bethany back. It just wasn’t fair for me to be so possessive. Now she’s free and I think our love is stronger for that.”

“They’re out there!” Woodruff whispered in horror. “All of them are outside my tent waiting for me. I’m doomed. I’m a hunted animal. I think I’m losing my mind.”

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 29, 2009)

What were some of the arguments Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich unsuccessfully used to defend himself in front of the State Senate before it ousted him from office on corruption charges?

–*Come on! We’re all corrupt here, aren’t we?

–*Don’t some of you pud-knockers owe me money?

–*Doesn’t anyone here want a new pool in their backyard built with prison labor? I could make that happen.

–*Come on, I’m part of a long and illustrious history of voter shenanigans in Illinois. Whose company am I in? Joe Kennedy’s? Not too shabby.

–*When all of us are dead, my hair will still be here.

–*You can’t impeach me, I carry the Ruling Ring of Power forged by Sauron in Mordor.

–* I don’t see why you wouldn’t want me to drag a whole list of subpoenaed witnesses in here such as Rahm Emanuel, Jesse Jackson Jr., President Obama and Oprah Winfrey just so I could maybe spread some of the tawdry awfulness around to innocent people.

–*If you throw me out of state politics, I promise to make a Jerry
Springer-type talk show that will make you blush purple.

–*When I said I wanted to sell Barack Obama’s seat, I was talking about the actual chair. Made of fine Corinthian leather.

–*How can you throw me out of office when you can’t prove I did anything wrong? I mean, you didn’t see it happening. You just heard it on legally admissible surveillance equipment. But you’ve got four other senses, people!

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