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Archive for February 26th, 2009

(Originally posted Tuesday, August 26, 2008 )

–*We already knew we were voting for Obama, so we didn’t see the need to watch a meaningless dog and pony show

–*We already knew that Democrats were all about hope, and watching them protest about their hope so much just gets to be a little tedious and annoying. The real message–that they aren’t crazy torturing war-mongering crony capitalist debt spending xenophobes destroying the environment and despoiling the world’s natural resources to fund the military industrial complex–only takes about five minutes to say. Jimmy Carter could do it.

–*Though I gotta say, I really don’t want to listen to Jimmy Carter.

–*I prefer not to watch my Kennedy fetish videos without a strip of blue velvet and a tank full of nitrous oxide

–*Watching people try to create a link between John F. Kennedy and Obama is a narrative ruse that would be familiar to most people over 12 and won’t pull the wool over the eyes over conservatives. My suggestion? Turn the TV signal into a mirror and perhaps conservatives looking at themselves might shame them and make them stop being so. This works for child abusers in TV movies, anyway.

–*Sex and the City reruns were on

–*I don’t want to watch a roll call vote just to acknowledge the debt to Hillary Clinton’s voters–only so we can shit all over them.

–*I’m afraid that the tribute to Che Guevara, Fidel Castro and Joe Stalin might be a little tacky and overdone

–*It was that Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Bob Odenkirk was on.

–*I was writing my new book, The Audacity of Ambivalence

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Sum’thin Funny

(Originally posted Monday, August 25, 2008 )

I’m still not feeling too funny since the death of my beloved cat. Nor am I feeling very political, even though Barack Obama has finally picked Joe Biden for the freshly inked “Joebama” ticket. I like Joe Biden and think he’s a really smart guy. Outspoken, sometimes to a fault, he’s a nice acerbic counterpoint to the feel-good Obama happy train and might make the ticket even more interesting. However, he’s better seen and not heard, and you can bet that after a week of trotting him around like a dressage pony, they are going to put a lid on him and that mouth of his. Given his great foreign policy experience, it’s probably better to send him to an undisclosed location a la Dick Cheney, lock him in a room and not let him out until he’s come up with a roadmap for peace in Iraq, Israel, Afghanistan and Van Halen. When he’s given more than 15 minutes on a podium, however, the guy is always going to say something stupid that belies his fearsome intelligence. He’s like a gaffe monkey. He’s gaffe in your tank. He’s open gaffe-ter hours.

We got a card today from the vet telling us sorry about our cat. It was supposed to make us feel better. It shows little cats and dogs jumping over the clouds. We appreciate the gesture, but now we’re depressed again.

Stephanie and I spent yesterday shooting Episode 8 of the “Retributioners” with our friend Jeff Topf. We won’t be finishing it up until after a brief vacation, but if you like, you can see Jeff in my short film “Scrabble Rousers” playing the prudish guest. Jeff was great to work with and we think the new episode will be very funny.

In the meantime, here’s a video from “Funny Or Die” that Steph and I like quite a lot:

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(Originally posted Saturday, August 23, 2008 )

I love my wife, actress Stephanie Scott, first and foremost, of course. But I also have what you might call a “professional crush” on actress and comedienne Rachael Harris. Though she has racked up many credits since the mid-1990s, Stephanie and I first encountered her as the deadpan hairdresser with the androgynous name Kevyn on Kirstie Alley’s brief Showtime series Fat Actress. She and her co-stars were so funny on that show that I might have been a regular watcher if it had run past six episodes, but it didn’t. In any case, we’ve been fans ever since.

Though she seems to have pinned down steady commercial and TV work, she’s still got enough time to be doing a lot of work over at one of our fave sites, Funnyordie.com. I’ve attached one of her latest clips, in which she plays the eponymous Cougar in an advertisement for old women seeking younger men:

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What Are We Late To?

(Originally posted Friday, August 22, 2008 )

My close friend Carol has recently inaugurated a new blog called “No Clocks,” which she’s using to talk about life, memoirs, literature, aging and redemption. OK, I might have made up the redemption part. I see redemption in it, but maybe she doesn’t. That’s just where we differ.

You can read “No Clocks” at http://noclocks.wordpress.com/.  [*see editor’s note]

In response to her most recent article about people’s constant tardiness, I’ll ask the musical question: what things have we been late to recently?

–*Our wedding

–*The grace note intro to our solo saxophone rendition of George Bizet’s “L’Arlesienne.”

–*Our trip back to the laundromat to wrest the clothes from the washer before somebody took them out and piled them on top of the machine.

–*Our period

–*Our friend’s period

–*The Sabbath elevator

–*The Sabbath

–*Yom Kippur

–*Birth

–*Death, which is not a bad thing to be late to

*Editor’s note: Carol has since taken down her blog, sadly for fans.

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(Originally posted Thursday, August 21, 2008 )

Some really great news today. “The Retributioners–Episode 1: The Virginity Pact” has been featured as a hot video on the home page of Blip.tv, an au courant video-sharing Web site that sort of competes with YouTube, but mainly focuses on episodics rather than viral videos. We feel more a part of the zeitgeist than ever.

(Editor’s Note: Well, it was up most of the day Wednesday, but by the time a lot of you read this post, it was probably gone. Tempus fugit.)

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The Perfect Secretary

(Originally posted Wednesday, August 20, 2008 )

The TV show Mad Men, broadcast on the AMC network, is seeking one-minute submissions for a comedy video contest, and the winner will get a walk-on role on the show.

My friend Sabina Maschi, one of the stars of my own short film “Scrabble Rousers,” recently entered her own clip for the contest–a mock etiquette video for the show’s fictional Sterling Cooper advertising agency. You can see this hilarious clip at this site!

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(Originally posted Tuesday, August 19, 2008 )

Stephanie and I just posted “The Retributioners — Episode 7: The Walk Of Shame.” In this episode, Stephanie decides to find an old one-night stand and ask him, “Why wasn’t I more long-term material?” Starring Stephanie Faith Scott; Guest Starring Aaron Mathias and Keri Setaro; Directed by Corinne Fisher; The shooting script was by yours truly.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, August 19, 2008 )

A new spurious title has emerged, entitled “Obama Nation,” by notorious author Jerome Corsi, whose profile on John Kerry, “Unfit for Command,” was a flashpoint of controversy in 2004 for its many inaccuracies and falsehoods and for its blatant pandering to a radicalized political base of right-wingers even as it was being advertised as the modest book of an academic.

What new bombshells does Corsi uncover about Barack Obama?

–*According to the group “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth,” Obama did nothing heroic in Vietnam. Source: Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

–*Obama’s name is frequently found in the same sentence with the word Islam. Source: Corsi. “It’s right there in that sentence I just wrote,” writes Corsi about Obama and Islam. “Look, there it is again.”

–*Obama’s name is frequently found in the same sentence with former Weather Underground radical William Ayres. Source: Corsi. See last entry for proof of how this works.

–*Right wingers agree that Obama was in the pews when his pastor, Jeremiah Wright, made incendiary statements about white America. These right wingers’ agreeing with each other obviates their having to actually do any research on the matter or look anything up, like the actual truth on the matter, which is that Obama wasn’t anywhere near the place.

Other things right wingers are sure about after checking with each other: Hillary Clinton killed friend Vince Foster by bludgeoning him to death with a wiffle bat; U.N. black helicopters are peeking into your house; the French are cheese eating surrender monkeys; and we must all beware the maurauding, goat-sucking vampire dog known as “chupacabra.” Source: Bill Kristol.

–*Obama has admitted to using drugs when he was in his teens, so, by deductive reasoning, it is very likely that he’s been doing blow throughout his campaign. Source: The cocaine

–*Obama lived in Indonesia, a Muslim-majority nation. Source: CIA World Factbook

–*Obama’s mother was white. Did you hear that? White! Source: Barack Obama

–*All the communists support Barack. Source: Goldman Sachs.

–*Liberals hate America. Source: Miss America.

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Funniness and Sadness

(Originally posted Monday, August 18, 2008 )

After many setbacks, Steph and I are going to try to get “The Retributioners: Episode 7,” up online tonight. I will post it here when it goes up on “Funny Or Die.”

It’s a funny one and we have a lot of talent involved, so I’m glad it has finally come to fruition.

On a sadder note, Steph and I had to finally put our poor sick cat to sleep today, and we are both feeling very blue. You will all know Little Kitty from several “Retributioners” episodes. If you want to honor her memory, you can watch them again, especially Episodes 3, 4 and 6. She is very funny in them. It’s strange not being in the house with her now.

Apparently, Michael Phelps, after winning eight gold medals, has gone on a fast food eating binge. Hopefully this won’t turn into a “Raging Bull” grotesque obesity situation.

RIP Little Kitty.

Eric

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(Originally posted Monday, August 18, 2008 )

Olympic fever has reached a high pitch, as the world marvels at the feats of Michael Phelps, Dara Torres and even Mongolian judo champ Tuvshinbayar Naidan. The excitement has led many to ask, “How do I become an Olympian?”

Well, it’s not easy, and there’s lots of competition. But if you are a self-starter and think you have what it takes, you too might be able to win the gold. But, as professionals in any field will remind you, the most important item is the interview. Here’s a primer on what to do and what not to do to be an Olympian:

Be Prepared

When you go to meet with the International Olympic Committee, they are going to want to know several things about you, so you should always be prepared to answer their questions. For instance, they may ask, “What do you know about the Olympics? Have you been following it long? How do you think you can contribute to our games?” Try to know the interviewer’s name beforehand to avoid an awkward moment. If you haven’t done your research before the interview, he will know you’re not serious about participating in Olympic sports.

Dress For Success

If you want to be an Olympian, you’ve got to look the part. That means a suit and tie. Nothing too loud or garish or disrespectful. A would-be Olympic swimmer, runner or Decathlon participant with Sylvester and Tweety on his tie lets the Olympic Committee know he’s not serious about being an athlete. Because he is obviously not serious about himself. The same rules apply to women. Always dress in a long skirt that falls below the knees and try to wear a jacket if possible.

Be on Time

Probably the hardest thing for Olympic athletes to understand is that keeping somebody waiting for even ten minutes shows absolutely no respect for him. The Olympic Committee member is using this meeting as an opportunity to see how dependable, reliable and level-headed you are. More important, you are showing him that you appreciate how busy he is. After all, he’s going to be seeing a lot of hopefuls, and if he has to make special allowances for your tardiness, that will not endear you to him. So set the alarm extra early and be punctual. You don’t have precious milliseconds to spare in either the 100 meter butterfly or the interview seat.

Show Your Strengths

Try to show the Olympic Committee why you would be a good fit for the Olympics. Perhaps the games are coming up in Barcelona. This would be the great time to show off some native Catalan words you learned in college. Or maybe you have traveled extensively and are comfortable with different peoples and cultures. Make sure to match your accomplishments with what the International Olympic Committee’s needs. Do you work well with team members, or are you better solo? Are you a multi-tasker? If so, maybe there’s a triathlon in your future. What special certificates do you have to, say, perform CPR or operate machinery? All of these items can gussy up a resume and impress the Olympic committee mightily.

Relax!

Of course, if you want to be in the Olympics, you’ve got to show that you can handle the pressure. That means not blowing your cool in the interview. Always look the interviewer in the eye. Let him finish his questions so you can formulate your answers. It’s OK to have a sense of humor, but don’t go overboard trying to be funny. That might show the Olympic Committee member that you’re not truly comfortable in your own skin. Don’t be thrown by ringing telephones or interruptions. The interviewer will likely wonder: If the candidate loses his cool in the interview room, how likely is it that he is going to keep his head in the 110 meter hurdles in front of thousands of screaming Chinese? Don’t sweat until you’re out of the blocks and running!

Follow Up

Remember to send a letter to the Olympic Committee member and thank him for his time. It could be that he’s had a busy day and won’t remember all his applicants. That extra letter reminds him who you are and why you want the job. It also shows him you’ve had a bit more time to decide you still really want to be an Olympic swimmer. Furthermore, when you send that follow up note, he will sense that you are interested in more than just a job-you’re interested in a professional relationship.

Also, you must have 20 years of training and a physical predisposition to athletics.

But besides that, these tips are the most important things you’ll need to know before embarking on your exciting new career as an Olympian. Remember, you are not just trying to get a job. You are a salesman, and the product is YOU. You have to remember that anybody who puts his mind to it can achieve his goals. And once you have that confidence (as well as the requisite 20 years of training, starting when you are four, and a physical predisposition to sports) then you will impart that confidence to others. And that will make you part of a winning team.

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