Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, June 12, 2008 )

The Sky Mall in-flight magazine always has interesting new gadgets and accessories. What are some of the things being offered this month?

–*A blanket with sleeves and a penis sock

–*A machine the size of a lawn mower that squirts out tiny little turd-sized doughnuts, one at a time every two hours

–*The amazing “elbow polisher.”

–*The outdoor vibrator, which combines intimacy and sensitivity to a woman’s contours with a rugged individual streak and smells of piney mulch

–*Contact lenses with miniature printings of “Desiderata” on them so that you can read this inspirational message over and over while you’re eating, having sex, or in the head

–*A Batman money clip, which shows not only that you’re successful, but that no amount of money will ever buy you any class

–*A Cuisinart and fish tank, all in one

–*A long plastic tube that keeps your money safe up your ass, where you can have a more secure, intimate relationship with it

–*A “smart collar” that sprays your dog with mace every time he licks his genitals
–*A “smart collar” that asphyxiates your octogenarian father whenever he is being racist

–*Descending order masonry jars for your urine

–*The home crystal meth bathtub kit

–*The amazing “U.S. dollar shredder”