Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, February 09, 2008 )

2 CBS
48 Hours Mystery: She was a beauty queen, but now she’s dead. Thank God you are not this dead beauty queen, dear viewer.

4 NBC
Law & Order: Clam Bake!

7 ABC
The Insider: Pat O’Brien politely asks Britney Spears to commit suicide on the air for him.

8 Fox
American Idol ups the ante on Hollywood Week by handing all the judges and contestants and Ryan Seacrest their own .38 snub noses.

13 PBS
Austin City Limits: I get the unsettling feeling that this blues singer is singing about something other than just sugar in this song. I think “sugar” is some kind of metaphor.

19 E! Entertainment Television
Britney utters the enigmatic word “Rosebud.”

19 E! Entertainment Television
Giuliana Rancic now appears to be some sort of expert on selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and borderline personality disorder, in addition to having a kickin’ profile

20 MTV
“Gag A Maggot!” (Reality)

20 MTV
“Dude! What Did You Put in My Mouth?” (Reality)

20 MTV
My Gay Dad Won’t Stop Talking About All His Gay Sex (Reality)

22 Fox News
Sean Hannity asks the question that most desperately needs to be asked during this campaign season: “Why haven’t Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili made a porno yet?”

23 Fashion TV
This season’s new designer dress bias cuts, skin tones and hip gussets say just one thing: “You’re a liar!”

30 Discovery Kids
Children discover Ativan, Serax, Klonopin, Valium, and all the other magical benzodiazepines that made up the contents of Anna Nicole Smith’s stomach.

38 Bravo
Infomercial: “What’s The Matter, Shithead? Can’t Find A Date?”

40 CNN
Mike Huckabee on the polls: “I don’t understand math, I understand miracles.” I wish that this were just a joke. But unfortunately he did say this to a group of adults.

42 Court TV
To Catch an Introvert

48 Comedy Central
A seven-hour informercial for old box sets of “The Midnight Special.” For Christ’s sake, you could waste less of our time by just re-running the fucking thing!

57 HBO
A horrible voice-over continues to ruin the film “Little Children” on second and third viewings.

58 Showtime
“Notes on a Scandal” would have been so much better with a shoot-out.

61 MSNBC
MSNBC thinks Chelsea Clinton is being “pimped out” by the Clinton campaign. Join us now as we envision Chelsea as a child prostitute in a steamy New Orleans flophouse at the turn of the century and that her real father is a pimp named “Goldy.”

62 Headline News
Conservatives demand a big tax rebate, specifically they want the body armor ripped off the Iraq soldiers and sent to their houses.

84 Ovation
Eve Ensler adds 172 new pet names for female genitalia to “The Vagina Monologues,” including “hair harbor,” “the thank-you hole,” and the “muy-muy.”

YouTube
You know you’re suffering from existential depression if you’ve been watching videos of kittens for the last hour. Steph?