Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Tuesday, October 23, 2007)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg took the stage the other day at a press conference to make an important announcement. Here is a television transcript of what happened after he took the dais.

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. We called you here tonight to let you know that we received word from intelligence agents and law enforcement officials that a terrorist plot against New York was uncovered in Iraq a few weeks ago, and that you were all in grave danger last Tuesday, but not anymore. Now, questions.

A reporter raises his hand.

REPORTER NO. 1

Sir, I don’t understand. What kind of danger were we in?

BLOOMBERG

Grave, horrible danger from a terrorist attack, likely on our subway system, by men using suitcases, baby strollers, and backpacks.

REPORTER NO. 1

But only last Tuesday?

BLOOMBERG

Yes. But not anymore. So, nothing to worry about.

Another reporter raises her hand.

REPORTER NO. 2

Sir, what do you mean, exactly? How should New Yorkers have prepared last Tuesday?

BLOOMBERG

It means that last Tuesday you should have been on the lookout for strange behavior. You might have avoided the subway, avoided carrying any handbags whatsoever. And maybe you should have worn a gas mask. But again, this was just last Tuesday. It’s a different world now.

REPORTER NO. 2

I’m not sure what the point of telling us now is.

BLOOMBERG

Look, New Yorkers are rugged people and know what to do in the case of a crippling attack on the subway that might have involved sarin gas and killer bees. And it’s our job to let you know without causing a panic. You should only know that you should be aware of trouble. The danger is clear, if no longer present.

REPORTER NO. 1

Killer bees?

BLOOMBERG

Yes. Last Tuesday. Killer bees and anthrax.

REPORTER NO. 3

Is there anything else we could have done last Tuesday to prepare?

BLOOMBERG

Yes. You would have been well advised not to leave your house at all. Perhaps you could have stayed home and watched television. You could have purchased an emergency generator in the case of an attack on the city’s power grid. You could have got a license to carry a weapon. Or two.

REPORTER NO. 3

The power grid? Was an attack on the power grid likely?

BLOOMBERG

Oh yeah. You betcha.

REPORTER NO. 2

Should we have let our kids go to school?

BLOOMBERG

No, no, no! That’s the worst possible thing you could have done last Tuesday. Really bad. It could have been catastrophic.

REPORTER NO. 1

Should we have used the city’s bridges to get out?

BLOOMBERG

Oy! My God no.

REPORTER NO. 2

What about the ferries?

BLOOMBERG

You want to be a big shot? You have a taste for living dangerously? Sure, go right ahead and take the ferry.

REPORTER NO. 3

What else could we have done last Tuesday to prepare for this horrible lethal attack?

BLOOMBERG

Well, you could have stocked up on water, food and blankets. But I don’t want to belabor the point. I just want to let you know that we are looking out for you and that the federal government and local authorities are doing everything in their power to keep you safe from attacks like the horrible, horrible one that could have happened last Tuesday if it weren’t caught in time.

REPORTER NO. 1

What should we be doing right now?

BLOOMBERG

Anything you want. Feel free to ride our subways and visit a Broadway show and spend your money at local businesses. But just so long as you know that doing it last Tuesday meant the odds were even something really bad was going to happen to you involving mustard gas, dirty bombs, and mad cow disease.

REPORTER NO. 3

So we should just do nothing?

BLOOMBERG

Do nothing, but do it with great fear and respect for the ineffable forces of God and providence. Police Commissioner Ray Kelly and I will be doing everything possible to keep you alerted in an almost timely fashion about things when they occur, or maybe just after they occur.

REPORTER NO. 3

Could last Tuesday have been another Sept. 11?

BLOOMBERG

People, I don’t want to get into hypotheticals. There was only one Sept. 11, and there won’t be another one until the day there is, and if there is one, you’ll be the first to know about it, if you’re still around. Last Tuesday was not Sept. 11, it just could have been.

REPORTER NO. 2

Mayor Bloomberg, I’m scared.

BLOOMBERG

There’s nothing to be afraid of. Your government is in control of the situation. And if we cannot control the terrorists themselves, we can at least control the wild hysteria. Believe me, you should never be wildly hysterical until I, mayor Mike Bloomberg, tells you it’s time to be wildly hysterical. And you can rest easy that when you are screaming and running to the exits and trampling your own friends and loved ones looking for escape like rats fleeing a sinking ship, you can rest easy that it’s only because the government told you it was okay to be scared. The government knows best when you should feel any mortal or existential dread. That’s just good governance. Now, that is all. Goodnight.