Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Sunday, October 28, 2007)

Hi folks, I’m Dennis Hopper. You might remember me as the director of “Easy Rider,” as the creepy sadist in “Blue Velvet” or the doped up photographer in “Apocalypse Now.” Maybe you remember how I banged blow-up dolls in “The River’s Edge.”

You might have seen me in “Speed.” Or on it.

But what you might not know is that I’m also a proud registered member of the Republican freakin’ party man and have been since ole Ronny Reagan swaggered through town. Now, you might want to know what an ex-party boy hop head like me is doing in the Grand Ol’ freakin’ Party.

You might wonder why I’m rubbin’ elbows with Newt Gingrich, handing over thousands to the RNC, and proposing faith-based initiatives. In my day, faith-based initiative meant I thought I could fly and I was going to jump off a freakin’ rooftop.

Now, I know what you’re asking ol’ Dennis: How do the values of me and George W. jibe-what with him promoting law and order and me stickin’ ice picks into cops’ brains in my movies. Well, I’m a nonconformist, man. I’ve always thought outside the cube. To me, there’s nothing at all strange about filming an orgy in Taos one second, and then charging Howard Stern a few mil for saying “anal” on the air.

Oh, sure, it may seem far out to you, man, that one day I’m banging a blow-up doll in “River’s Edge,” and the next day getting a leg over for supply side economics, promoting the freakin’ Laffer curve to prove that raising taxes decreases freakin’ revenue.

Yeah, but if you try to box in old Dennis, somebody’s going to get hurt, man. It’s because I’m extreme man. Yesterday I was an extreme radical and today I’m extreme Republican. I’m the guy who’s suckin’ amyl nitrite through a gas mask in one hand and tellin’ you to invest in a 401(k) with the other. So really, no change at all. Except that I look around, and you know, there’s guys like me all over the place.

In fact, I’m so fed up with ex-radicals turned Republicans, that I’m switchin’ back man, just when you expected it the least. I’m going to rejoin the Democratic Party man. Because they need me. They need some wild men. Some Jimmy Deans. They need to eat some peyote buttons and sit in the desert and howl at the moon. That’s why I’m runnin’ for president, man. I challenge Barack Obama to a knife fight, man. And also I want to know if he’ll buy one of my paintings.

Because when I die, when they die, when it dies, will they say it was a kind party? A wise party? That it was a party with plans, with wisdom? Bullshit man! Who’s going to tell them? Me!

Don’t do drugs. Thank you.

(Originally posted Saturday, October 27, 2007)

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Have you found glass or some other foreign substance in your crème brulee? Then you might be a party to a class-action suit.

Have you seen red spots in your eyes after staring at the sun too long? You, too, may be eligible to join a class action lawsuit.

Have you recently become obese after 15 years of eating continually at fast-food restaurants? You may be eligible.

Have teen-agers ever laughed at you? That, too, may make you eligible for a class action lawsuit.

Have bits of meteorite fallen onto your lawn and killed your Siberian Husky? Have you gotten a bladder infection after unprotected sex, even after drinking lots of cranberry juice? You may be eligible.

Was Coca-Cola not effective as birth control? You may be eligible for a class action suit.

Are you unhappy with your girlfriend’s weight? Do you get unwanted erections while doing high-school level calculus? Are you traumatized or made jealous by the sight of another woman’s expensive Jimmy Choo strappy sandals? Has your favorite baseball team lost the World Series? Then you may be party to a class-action suit.

Remember, here at Weaver and Cox, we don’t believe in a no-fault world, and that’s why we’re willing to bring suit for a variety of infractions that we believe are actionable.

* A cable bill that’s too high.
* A cable bill that’s too low.
* The common cold
* Yellow gunk on the hood of your oven.
* Rude stewardesses.
* Impotence experienced under the influence of cocaine.
* The lack of melanin in redheads.
* The discomfort among stepchildren at Christmas.

And a lot more …

* Your attraction to any woman who on close inspection turns out to be a man in drag
* Class resentment
* Dust
* Unpleasant odors found anywhere you walk
* Animal mortality
* Human mortality
* An allergy to shellfish
* Oedipal fixations on your mother
* Envy of rich people
* Unrequited love for actress Lisa Kudrow

And a whole lot more….

* Itchiness
* Irritable bowel syndrome
* The uncertainty of living in a Godless universe
* Plaque
* Nettle rash
* Staph infection
* General melancholy
* The bitter taste of aspirin.
* The guilt a boyfriend makes you feel when you won’t perform oral sex on him
* The guilt you feel growing up either Jewish or Catholic
* And lastly, all the unmanageable, ceaselessly piling garbage in your kitchen which, through psychological sublimation, somehow makes you sexually frigid.

Remember, we here at Weaver and Cox are on your side. There’s almost nothing that causes you pain or anxiety or discomfort that we can’t sue somebody for. Call us today and tell us about anything you don’t like, and we’ll make you party to a class-action suit. The call is free. An operator is standing by.

(Originally posted Friday, October 26, 2007)

2 CBS
CSI Miami: David Caruso’s acting choices become very suspect

3 ABC
Women Detectives Telling Dick Jokes

4 NBC
Keeping Tom Selleck On Celebrity Welfare

5 Disney Movies
High School Musical: The Goths sing a thoroughly depressing number.

6 Disney
Hannah Montana: Hannah’s dual life is shattered when her good friend Kurt the grunge rocker ices himself.

7 Animal Planet
Extreme Meerkat Smackdown

10 ABC Family
One-third of Americans believe in ghosts and UFOs, and it’s probably because we’re helping keep them stupid with movies on this channel.

11 CNN
Anderson Cooper tries to stay above a story about Anna Nicole, but is simply sucked down into the shit and mud just like all his contemporaries

12 CMT
Please Help My Truck More Than Make Up For the Size of My Penis

12 CMT
Making 20 Panels of Particle Board Into a Home

13 Crosswalk Channel
Democracy Now: Trying, Convicting and Imprisoning Henry Kissinger, All In Our Imaginations

14 CNBC
Extremely Rich People Arguing About Things Totally Abstracted From Most People’s Daily Reality, Featuring Minutes and Minutes of Jim Cramer Sucking His Thumb

16 Comedy Central
Those Shows That Want To Be “South Park” and Can’t Be “South Park” Being Extremely Disgusting to Overcompensate For Not Being “South Park”

17 Court TV
To Catch A Dissenter

18 Fox News
Blood In The Face News

19 HBO
King Kong

20 VH-1 Classics
Keeping Wang Chung, Rush and Queensryche On Celebrity Welfare

21 Cinemax
Fourier-Analyzed Throbbings

22 History Channel
The Utah War: Hot Mormon Action

23 IFC
“Roadside Prophets” is shown, possibly because it is fire-resistant and can’t be burned

25 Lifetime
Lisa Williams: Life Among the Unimaginative

26 E! Entertainment
College Girls Without Moral Compass Go To Vegas with Snoop Dogg

27 Court TV
Forensic Files Goes To Vegas with Snoop Dogg

28 Nickelodeon
Avatar: The Last Airbender Goes To Vegas To Drink Himself To Death

40 Oxygen
The Orgasms of Madison County

(Originally posted Thursday, October 25, 2007)

Things Eight-Year-Olds Say After Hearing Adults Say Them Without Knowing What They Mean

“Hey dad, I’m bringing sexy back.”

“Don’t you judge me!”

“Mommy. You are such a dolt.”

“That dress really works for you.”

“You’re not my type.”

“You’re not the woman I fell in love with.”

“You’re just using me to get to her.”

“I don’t drink box wine.”

“Well, nobody said life was fair.”

“Did you hear how great The Fantastic Four’s opening weekend box office was?”

“This is my fight and I’m going to finish it my way.”

“It’s just too soon for homosexual marriage in this country.”

“I don’t know if I could love you like I did him.”

“I like a fine cigar.”

“There are a lot of unanswered questions about Kennedy’s killing.”

“You really know how to hurt.”

“I’m a bit of a loner. And hard to get to know.”

“Only gay people like Bette Midler.”

“Sex when you’re in love is better.”

“Let’s get real, okay.”

“You aren’t man enough to stay.”

“You shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“Europe needs to get its shit together.”

“I don’t think Gore really wanted to win.”

“We must stabilize the region.”

“I don’t like mock-Tudor.”

“I don’t believe in God.”

“Well, isn’t this a fine mess?”

“It’s all up to me now.”

“I can tell when you’re faking.”

“Speak well of me when I’m gone.”

“I hate drama.”

(Originally posted Oct. 24, 2007)

As mentioned before, my wife and I are working on a Webisode called “The Retributioners” that we hope to start posting to MySpace and YouTube by the end of the year. We just put up new still photos at our ‘Retributioners’ MySpace page here. The wife is also keeping the blog updated. Please check them out, make comments, tell jokes. Become a Retributioners friend. Stay in school.

(Originally posted Tuesday, October 23, 2007)

Top 11 Reasons It Just Doesn’t Matter…

It just doesn’t matter because…

11. … because we’re in love.

10. … because I cheated on you, too.

9. … because you aren’t that good looking in the first place and one pimple more or less won’t change that undeniable fact.

8. … because that babysitter is dead now and can’t extort money from us ever again.

7. … because I don’t believe in your “law” anymore.

6. … because all the electro-shock in the world won’t make you not gay.

5. … because it’s just a goddamned TV show.

4. … because no matter how much liposuction you get, he’d still rather be with Uma Thurman.

3. … because you’re going to die anyway.

2. … because the tax man is just going to take it all.

1. … because even if there isn’t a nuclear holocaust, we’d be lucky to get through the huge coming oil drought anyway without enduring societal breakdown, horrible famine and eventually cannibalism.

(Originally posted Tuesday, October 23, 2007)

Hey kids, have you ever wanted to be a conspiracy theorist but did not think you were cool enough? Well here are some of the things you’ll need to get started on a life of questioning authority in our amazing new Conspiracy Theorist Home Starter Kit.

What you’ll need to get started is:

10. A fawning quality in which you are dazzled by mathematical equations you can’t disprove, ignoring the fact that it’s usually much simpler math that describes daily reality. “Oh, the angle of bullet entry! Ugh! I can’t argue with that. You win, conspiracy man!” You will be particularly susceptible to nonsense phrases such as “Objects do not fall into the path of most resistance at anything close to freefall speed.”

9. An ability to question things you see with your own eyes. “Well, I’m almost positive I drove to work on the San Diego Freeway. But who am I to say that there is such a thing as a San Diego Freeway? Isn’t that kind of arrogant of me?” You must also be dumb enough to confuse this sort of doubt with critical thinking, when it is actually better known as either nihilism or by an even better name you can find in the DSM IV manual: paranoid schizophrenia.

8. A worldview in which everybody acts like a pre-programmed automaton and runs around Energizer Bunny-like following orders. “Well, I can’t argue that George Bush is a rich man, and so it’s likely everything he does is dictated by a hard-wired drive to accrue more money to himself at all times, (when he’s not eating, I guess), especially by deploying troops (also acting without any kind of anima or soul) to accumulate vast large quantities of oil for himself. Yes, I guess I can’t argue with that kind of reasoning.”

7. An ability to pick the most complicated answer to any question. “Well, I came home and found garbage all over my floor, so obviously several teams of NSA people came in here searching through my stuff but managed to do it without leaving fingerprints on the window or crowbar indents on my door, so it’s likely they made a similar break-in to my superintendent’s house to get his key, and obviously they muffled my dog and somehow managed to leave his paw prints all around the garbage can so I wouldn’t think it is what it really is.”

6. A tendency to see every action by people in power only for how it affects you personally without seeing it in the context of many other players on the stage of life. “Obviously Alan Greenspan raised interest rates to ruin our economy and discredit Bill Clinton, who I voted for.” Or “Obviously Greenspan is doing it because he belongs to an institution covered in ancient Illuminati symbols that is trying to control our every move, specifically by ruining my small-cap stock portfolio.”

5. A willfully ignorant and almost religious faith that somebody in power could control a series of events from start to finish, such as the demolition of a building and all the directions the debris flies in. “Did you notice that when they demolished the Sands in Atlantic City, it fell over to its side? I’m almost willing to bet an invisible plane crashed into it.”

5. a. … even though God himself, were he ever to have existed, would have done a pretty piss-poor job of controlling things start to finish, since he created men who don’t even believe in Him anymore.

5. b. … and especially when that belief requires the collusion of a horribly slow-moving bureaucracy. Take this timeline of events here here: “A judge in Washington okayed a mandate to get a warrant from several law enforcement agencies who had the orders signed by their officers in triplicate and then it went back to the judge who said it must be then shared with members of a special committee of the Congress chaired by 100-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond who first wanted to analyze the need for such a mandate, and who collaborated with others before signing off on the order, and after that it went back to the judge and he approved the order, and then it went back to the law enforcement officials who had to get the money for the project approved by the Congressional Budget Office and the General Accounting Office, and then they had to go buy the materials for the project by taking out a government bid to get the concession, and after they finally got the materials, they had to wait for the right kind of hurricane to hit the city of New Orleans, and that’s when they moved in with Navy Seals to the disaster zone and planted the explosives that would break the levees and kill all the black people.”

4. A suspicion that any two people who ever belonged to the same club that would not have you as a member are now doing the work of that club to cause you bodily grievous harm. “I believe that since Bill Clinton and Ronald Reagan both had bank accounts at Chase Manhattan, then it must be Chase that is responsible for the 1898 Spanish-American War.”

3. An inability to recognize that even though facts are messy, truth is not. “I just can’t believe that compressed air would shoot out the sides of the World Trade Center during collapse, so I’ve decided to not believe that two huge planes slammed into the buildings at all even though they were captured on videotape doing so in front of tens of thousands of witnesses after being hijacked by people who have confessed and who had attacked us before anyway and who had manifestly stated political motives for doing so.”

2. A childlike ability to ascribe hateful acts only to the people you hate. “Well, there were no fingerprints on the gun Kurt killed himself with, so I’d bet on my life that Courtney Love did it, because, even though he was suicidal, Courtney’s such a horrible bitch, isn’t she?”

1. And finally, and more importantly, to be a great conspiracy theorist, sooner or later, you’re going to have to learn to hate the Jews. “Well, you know they did kill Jesus, and they always do get what they want, likely because they have always turned the wheels of history. They do always seem to be hiding in the wings somewhere when this shit goes down.”

So enjoy the kit, kids. And don’t blow yourself up.