Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, October 27, 2007)

Have you recently paid too much for a cable bill? You might be eligible for a class action lawsuit brought by Weaver and Cox. Our lawyers are very experienced with class actions lawsuits of all kinds, and will fight for you and your rights.

Have you recently been injured in an accident with a vehicle owned by a corporation or the government? Then you may be party to a class action lawsuit and not know it.

Have you found glass or some other foreign substance in your crème brulee? Then you might be a party to a class-action suit.

Have you seen red spots in your eyes after staring at the sun too long? You, too, may be eligible to join a class action lawsuit.

Have you recently become obese after 15 years of eating continually at fast-food restaurants? You may be eligible.

Have teen-agers ever laughed at you? That, too, may make you eligible for a class action lawsuit.

Have bits of meteorite fallen onto your lawn and killed your Siberian Husky? Have you gotten a bladder infection after unprotected sex, even after drinking lots of cranberry juice? You may be eligible.

Was Coca-Cola not effective as birth control? You may be eligible for a class action suit.

Are you unhappy with your girlfriend’s weight? Do you get unwanted erections while doing high-school level calculus? Are you traumatized or made jealous by the sight of another woman’s expensive Jimmy Choo strappy sandals? Has your favorite baseball team lost the World Series? Then you may be party to a class-action suit.

Remember, here at Weaver and Cox, we don’t believe in a no-fault world, and that’s why we’re willing to bring suit for a variety of infractions that we believe are actionable.

* A cable bill that’s too high.
* A cable bill that’s too low.
* The common cold
* Yellow gunk on the hood of your oven.
* Rude stewardesses.
* Impotence experienced under the influence of cocaine.
* The lack of melanin in redheads.
* The discomfort among stepchildren at Christmas.

And a lot more …

* Your attraction to any woman who on close inspection turns out to be a man in drag
* Class resentment
* Dust
* Unpleasant odors found anywhere you walk
* Animal mortality
* Human mortality
* An allergy to shellfish
* Oedipal fixations on your mother
* Envy of rich people
* Unrequited love for actress Lisa Kudrow

And a whole lot more….

* Itchiness
* Irritable bowel syndrome
* The uncertainty of living in a Godless universe
* Plaque
* Nettle rash
* Staph infection
* General melancholy
* The bitter taste of aspirin.
* The guilt a boyfriend makes you feel when you won’t perform oral sex on him
* The guilt you feel growing up either Jewish or Catholic
* And lastly, all the unmanageable, ceaselessly piling garbage in your kitchen which, through psychological sublimation, somehow makes you sexually frigid.

Remember, we here at Weaver and Cox are on your side. There’s almost nothing that causes you pain or anxiety or discomfort that we can’t sue somebody for. Call us today and tell us about anything you don’t like, and we’ll make you party to a class-action suit. The call is free. An operator is standing by.