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Archive for the ‘The Web’ Category

I see some horrible person is getting some WordPress attention doing Top 10 lists. As you know, Beauty Is Imperfection reader, I’ve done a fair number of those in my time. I started to feel a little cheap relying on them instead of offering you some well-thought-out, well-crafted prose. Writing Top 10 lists to me is easier than drawing breath. But to see someone else get attention for it, while I sit over here in Transcendentalville howling alone in the wilderness, is too much.

So I offer my first one in ages. Top 10 reasons to do a top 10 list:

1) It’s a cultural meme that everybody understands, nay, one that makes them feel a sense of belonging to their social subgroup

2) It takes about 2 minutes, whereas a real editorial takes hours to craft.

3) It’s almost always possible to insert Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Snooki or Britney Spears into a Top 10 list somewhere, and when you’ve got them in your list, you can put them in your tags, and then it becomes part of Google search universe and makes your a site a destination on the superhighway rather than a gasoline outpost somewhere in Arizona.

4) Top 10 lists employ the sort of repetition and variation that’s key to comedy.

5) Top 10 lists employ the sort of repetition and variation that’s key to comedy, y’all

6) Every Top 10 list comes with a free kitten

7) Except this one

8 ) When people can absorb information from a well-understood social convention like this one, it is easier for them to assimilate information that is otherwise difficult to digest–for instance, if we had the Top 10 reasons why Barack Obama should have closed Guantanamo by now and why in failing to do so he’s let a lot of us down.

9) If you get really good at Top 10 lists, you will be compared unfavorably to David Letterman, but hey, at least you’re in the same neighborhood.

10) A snappy ending makes you feel warm all over: The monster at the end of this list was Grover all along!

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Welcome Spanish Speakers

I was very amused to see “chicas desnudas” as one of the search terms that directed someone to my blog today. For those of you who are regular readers, you’ll know that I do a parody of the TV Guide listings sometimes. A very old entry lists “chicas desnudas” as one of the highlights of “Real Sexo” on Spanish HBO. A very obscure old blog post, but I’m not picky.

I just want to let everybody know that this is a Spanish friendly site, and I am personally happy to have all immigrants, illegal or otherwise, in our country. To hell with Arizona!

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http://www.MakeMyAdjustableRateMortgageDisappear.com

http://www.GetMeOutofThisPrisonRightNow.com

http://www.FlipMyHouse.com

http://www.RemoveThisCatheterNow.com

http://www.ThisGallBladderIsn’tGoingToRemoveItself.com

http://www.ItFeltLikeAHeartAttackUntilIBelched.com

http://www.HelpIBelieveEverythingGlennBeckTellsMeAndItHasn’tMadeMyLifeAnyBetter.com

http://www.Only30PPMLeadInMyWaterSupplyYay!.com

http://www.WhyAren’tTheBicyclistsUsingTheNewBikeLanes?.com

http://www.IHateBigGovernmentAndEverythingItWon’tGiveMe.com

http://www.KeithOlbermannWillWriteYouACheck.com

http://www.IBelieveInGhosts.com

http://www.IBelieveInAdjustableRateMortgages.com

http://www.IDon’tBelieveInEskimosOrNegativeAmortization.com

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My wife Stephanie, producer and star of the our Web series The Retributioners, recently penned an article for Digital Chick TV (DigitalchickTV.com) about the joys and horrors of making a Web show from scratch in our living room.

Digital Chick TV is run by another ce-Webrity, the amazing Daryn Strauss, the writer/director/producer of Downsized. Check out both our shows.

Stephanie would also probably like it if I showed off this head shot of her. I like to show her off, and besides, we can probably depreciate the photo expenses for accounting purposes.

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–*Rock star yourself

–*Mad Men Yourself

–*Avatar Yourself

–*Ewok Yourself

–*Jersey Shore Yourself

–*Do Something With Yourself

–*18th Century French Whore With Syphilis Yourself

–*Uninsure Yourself

–*Turn Yourself Into a Tea Party Crackpot

–*Join a Militia

–*Take Back Your Country From the Black People

–*Commune with Other People Who Share Your Unfocused Rage

–*Make Yourself Politically Aware Without Doing Any Reading

–*Do a copycat suicide

–*Mail in an application to become one of the millions of people who murdered John F. Kennedy

–*Set Fire To This Cartoon Tree

–*Set Fire To a Real Tree

–*The “start your own religion machine” tailored to your own particular belief system, one that rejects icons, accepts Jesus as four different substances, replaces fiat currency for a gold standard, acknowledges the existence of Bigfoot, and confirms the superiority of the Beatles over the Rolling Stones.

–*A new application that would show you how you might look different if you had any imagination whatsoever.

–*

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Stephanie and I landed out West for our Christmas vacation last night, and woke refreshed this morning to find this awesome review of “The Retributioners” on Visioweb.TV, an excellent new site devoted to Web shows. The legions of Web TV fans are growing, and if this site is any indication, they’re an increasingly savvy, sophisticated, articulate bunch. We should all be switching off our cable now! (at least until the Soup and 30 Rock are on, or maybe until Mad Men gets going again).

So if you do love Web TV, and you want to show your appreciation to the proliferating numbers of plucky, independent-minded Web artists coming online, maybe you’re wondering: How do I get my favorite shows the attention they’re due? Well, how about with some awards?

The 2nd Annual Streamy Award season just launched, and Stephanie and I are excited to nominate not only ourselves, but also to nominate the incredibly talented actors who lent us their rapier wit and masterful acting chops in 2009. For your consideration, we humbly submit our fresh, funny, acerbic, retributive Web show in a number of categories. Check out our Streamy site to find out how you can get The Retributioners nominated.

Steph and I, again, are on vacation, so the posts will be a bit less frequent over the next couple of weeks, but check in anyway. You never know when I’ll spring some holiday cheer on you.

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Farfalle, Wisconsin (API) A bus full of high school marching band students flipped over last Sunday night on the southbound Fremont Interchange after smashing into an SUV carrying a family of four, an accident that caused serious injuries to five of the students and three family members and tied up traffic for hours.

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Highway Patrol Sgt. Dan Meeder said that at 9 p.m. on Saturday, the busload of students from Tottenville were returning from an intramural marching competition when the bus driver noticed that the SUV had crossed into his lane and immediately began to skid until finally one of the tires blew off the vehicle.

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According to witnesses, the driver of the SUV, 48-year-old Daryl Mishengoss of Pearl Lagoon, was carrying his family back from a wedding when he began to drift into the lane of the bus, weaving first into the shoulder and then back across the lane a number of times before the bus driver, Sammy Pyle of Farfalle, swerved to avoid an accident, at which point he lost sight of the white stripes of the median and the bus flipped into a roll.

See what’s new with the rock band The White Stripes.

After that, witnesses gave conflicting accounts of the ensuring crash. One motorist said that Mishengoss and his family were likely distracted by the multiple media players they were operating in the SUV, including a video monitor that was playing a movie.

See why Angelina Jolie is the biggest movie star on the planet.

However, several of the parents of band members at the Tri-State Band Meet said that bus driver might well have become slightly intoxicated at the event and that, although the SUV was in the wrong lane, Pyle’s vision might have been slightly impaired and his reflexes dulled by a higher-than-normal blood-alcohol level.

Why not enjoy a glass of Maker’s Mark, Kentucky’s own small-batch bourbon whisky?

Sgt. Meeder said that he could not confirm whether Pyle had been intoxicated and declined to reveal the results of a Breathalyzer test.

You know who else has to pucker? Feeding infants! Here are pictures of Angelina Jolie nursing a baby.

Another officer, Dan Hernandez of Wickenham, said that despite the human error, there were other factors at play, including a faulty guardrail and several pot holes in the road. Hernandez said that this particular stretch of road is long overdue for highway repairs but has been a casualty of budget cuts for infrastructure amid economic malaise.

See why paying taxes to the federal government is the same thing as being a slave.

“I think that this is going to bring a lot of attention to how badly this stretch of road has become,” said Hernandez. “It’s probably one of the most dangerous roads in the state.”

See which models have the most dangerous curves.

“I’m always afraid I’m going to get in a serious accident here,” said Raoul Ortega, a house builder who lives part time in the U.S. and part time in Colombia.

See why tolerance of non-English speakers is partly responsible for the Fort Hood tragedy.

Most of the injuries were lacerations from broken glass …

Check out the best deals in Wisconsin auto glass.

… which was showered all over the road.

Angelina Jolie to perform in sexy shower scene with Johnny Depp.

Many teenage passengers from the bus lay bleeding on the road.

Check out all these dead teenager movies.

Many travelers trying to get home for the night had to wait for hours while the police removed damaged vehicles from the scene. Some even left their cars and stood talking while a bottleneck half a mile long grew down the road.

“It’s a real pain, but what can you do?” said Martin Rosenweig of Tottenville.

Got nothing to do in your car? Try Books on Tape.

Or an Apple IPod.

Or if you’re a brand new driver, how about Texting Devices for Teens.

Or how about simple masturbation?

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Sarah + Palin

Sarah + Palin + book

Sarah + Palin + “Going Rogue”

Sarah + Palin + “Getting Off Point”

Sarah + Palin + “Going Off message”

Sarah + Palin + “Losing Thread of Conversation”

“Sarah Palin” + “Not following discussion”

Sarah + Palin + “Wandering Into A Ditch”

“Sarah Palin” + “folksy”

“Sarah Palin” + “plain spoken”

“Sarah Palin and Tall”

“Levi Johnston” + Playgirl

“Sarah Palin” + “Levi Johnston” + embarrassment

“When will Levi Johnston be in Playgirl?”

“Where can I find the Levi Johnston Playgirl?”

“How can I be in Playgirl?”

Playgirl + Levi + “gay icon” + YMCA

Levi Johnston + “pitcher or catcher”

How will Levi Johnston’s Playgirl pictorial affect Sarah Palin?

Will Levi Johnston’s pictorial embarrass Sarah Palin?

Is Levi Johnston’s pictorial the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to Sarah Palin?

“Sarah Palin” + “Katie Couric” + 2008 interview

“Sarah Palin” + “didn’t know Africa was a continent”

“Sarah Palin” + “lied about firing of state employee”

“Sarah Palin” + “lied about end of life care”

“Sarah Palin” + “doesn’t read newspapers”

“Sarah Palin” + “fails most basic fact checks”

Republicans + “health care bills”

Republicans + “health care bills” + oppose

Republicans + “health care bills” + Nazi takeover + “socialized medicine” + communism + “Glenn Beck”

Why do Republicans oppose health care reform?

“Chuck Grassley” + “ranking Republican” + “Senate Finance Committee” + “health insurance industry” + “third-quarter campaign contributions” + “more than $150,000”

“Grover Norquist” + “tax freedom”+ “starve the beast” + “huge deficits”

Why do we have such huge deficits?

“Iraq War” + “$2 trillion” + “George Bush” + “2003 tax cuts” + “can’t do simple math”

“Glenn Beck” + sociopath + “blunt affect” + “cult leader” + “dissociative thought disorder” + “Peter Finch” + “Network” + “ratings bonanza”

“Todd Palin” + shirtless + “hubba hubba”

“Are Sarah Palin and Todd Palin getting a divorce?”

“Am I going to get a divorce?”

“Am I going to lose my job?”

“Where can I get Viagra?”

“Where can I get Viagra in Jackson, Mississippi?”

“Jackson, Mississippi” + “bus schedule”

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New Killer Apps

What new killer applications are available for download on your IPhone or Blackberry?

–*FoodZap – A new app that allows you to take a phone picture of a meal and tell if the food is South Beach Diet-friendly.

–*VirusGauge – An app that goes through your e-mail and tries to figure out which of your friends most likely has the H1N1 virus.

–*MidnightXPress It  – An app that tells you which Turkish prison you’re in.

–*Nixoner – An app that looks through your e-mail and tells you who your enemies are.

–*BombMe – An app that allows you to commit suicide by summoning a U.S. drone aircraft.

–*MoodMinder – An app that uses an enhanced GPS system, microwaves, servos and reco photographs to tell you what emotional state you’re in if you’re not sure.

–*Pandora Deluxe – An app that allows you to listen only to music by The Cowsills.

–*DonutCounter – An app that tells you how much time on Earth you’ve lost after eating that doughnut.

–*Plasma TV Money Watch – An app that tells you how much your plasma TV would be worth today in a parallel universe if you had spent the money responsibly instead.

–*OverPop! – An app that tells you how you personally are destroying ecological stability on the Earth just by being alive and consuming things.

–*Fetus Friender – An app that gives you first-person fetus narratives written by schizophrenics.

–*Shut UP! – An app that drowns out the other person on the phone and makes them shut the fuck up and listen for a god damned change.

–*The Edge – The Edge from U2 is wearing a microphone and you now get to listen to him play guitar, breathe, eat, snore and engage in painfully awkward small talk with fans 24/7.

–*Virtual Boyfriend – This app is the only boyfriend you have right now.

–*GooGoo Talk – This app talks to you like you’re a god damned baby, if that’s how you’re going to act.

–*No Speaka English! – This app changes all your phone settings to Kanji, Cyrillic and Sanskrit so that you have no idea what the fuck you are reading and you’re trapped in a world that’s foreign, alienating and hostile.

–*Pass Ag! – This app does nothing but give you an excuse to look at your BlackBerry so you don’t have to actually make eye contact with that person sitting across from you on the subway.

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LinkedIn Updates

What’s happening with your connections on LinkedIn?

–*Dave Franklin has now become a corporate yes man at Bank of America after kissing up to people he can’t stand.

–*Marsha Weege has taken over grants and contracts from a woman facing charges for manslaughter.

–*Your ex-girlfriend is now the boss of you.

–*Nancy Montrose is now friends with Morris Shankton. Both of them worked with you in previous positions and they are your arch enemies. Together, they could destroy you. You must destroy them first.

–*Sol Myers is still a no-talent nimrod simp.

–*Joel Hardigan just got his Ph.D., which is all well and good, though that still doesn’t make him a good speller from your cramped perspective as his one-time personal secretary.

–*Marla Jacobs just got a promotion, probably for doing nothing, which is what she’s always been best at.

–*Jenny Fiedler is now a partner at Laslow and Banks. Her looks are no longer a threat to the old men there now that they’ve sucked the last bit of beauty out of her with 80-hour work weeks.

–*Sammy Wilder has carpal-tunnel-syndrome-workers-compensation-lawsuited his way up the corporate ranks at Sherman and Hawthorne.

–*You are now friends with someone named Angelina Jolie, but not the hot one from the movies, just someone you worked with at a shoe store 15 years ago.

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