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Archive for November, 2009

–*The guy who’s going to eat your lunch.

–*The guy who’s going to eat that whole pizza.

–*The woman who’s going to break up your marriage.

–*The photographer who’s going to make this the best high school reunion ever.

–*The radio host who’s going to ruin Barack Obama’s day.

–*The man who’s going to snort a couple of bumps and then drop dead playing racquetball.

–*The man who’s keeping the Fed funds rate at 2% so that the resulting weakened dollar will cause net export numbers to spike.

–*The guy who told you all along that gutting the Glass-Steagall Act was a bad idea and would wreck the economy.

–*The grocery clerk who’s going to force you to use that gun.

–*The Lesbian your mom’s gonna move in with.

–*The lady astronaut who will drive all night, not even stopping to change her soiled astronaut diapers, to win back your love.

–*The man who opened the Berlin Wall by accident.

–*The man who taught Anna Nicole how to love.

–*The woman who taught Grover Norquist how to love.

–*The woman who gave the most guys chlamydia at South Beach last spring break

–*The guy whose potato looks more like Jesus than any other potato in this part of Nebraska.

–*The guy with the biggest opening weekend in box office history

–*God

–*Jesus

–*John Lennon

–*James Cameron

–*It doesn’t matter who I think I am, because existence precedes essence, and only my actions define me.

–*I don’t know who I am, but maybe I’ll have it figured out by the time my reality show begins its third season.

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–*Overcoming our enemies in hand-to-hand combat

–*Climbing trees 50% faster

–*Playing the tenor saxophone 50% faster

–*Accomplishing online stock trading and metal soldering at the same time

–*Talking on our cell phone while driving and sneering at the cops while doing so

–*Doing a really weird fist bump with the guy who played Screech

–*Picking our extra nostril.

–*Pulling the lever for “no” on that new nuclear power plant

–*Doing a pretty drag-ass imitation of Vishnu

–*Bitch slapping as many people on “The Hills” as we can

–*Getting extra wicked pissed that some other guy with an extra limb beat us out for the title role in the local gaslight theater production of Edward Albee’s “The Man Who Had Three Arms.”

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