Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for January 26th, 2009

1 CBS

48 Hours: Why Does The Quiverfull Movement
Keep Growing?

2 NBC
America's Got Talent,
But Only For Low Burlesque

5 ABC
Extreme Makeover: Ty and his team keep demolishing
family's house during the day and moving it down 
one lot, to the family's confusion

7 Fox
Are You Old Enough To Have Sex? (Reality Game Show)

9 CW
Free to be ... a local farm show.

11 A&E
Gene Simmons invades and kills The Two Coreys

13 Univision
Erik Estrada en un Motocicleta

14 Prayer Network
Movie: "The Spelt Will Fly"

15 ABC Family
Fallen Part 12: Spill The Seed

17 Animal Planet
Animals Kill Other Animals For The Delectation
Of Your Children

20 VH 1
Flavor of Luv: Who Poked Holes In This? (Reality)

21 E! Entertainment
The Simple Life: Prison Delousings Are Hot

31 HBO
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

33 Cinemax
Shuddering Breasts With Skin Grafts

33 Spike TV
Let's Put That In There And See What It Does
(Reality)

30 Lifetime
Hedge Fund Wives Shut Off From Their Feelings 

40 History Channel
A really interesting history of the Byzantine ...
nah, just kidding it's some shit called
"Ice Road Truckers"

42 Fox News
Roundtable Discussion: Taunting Sean Penn
and His Family

76 VH-1 Classic
Rock Star Wives: Enabling Your Way 
Into A Lasting Marriage

77 Golf
Golf

83 BBC America
Hotel Cheeky Sheets

(Originally posted Aug. 4, 2007)

Read Full Post »

Why?

Why does Fred Thompson want to be president? Why does he want to be George Bush III? Why does a man who espouses now debunked ideas about the rightness of American power think of himself as the superstar who will win the hearts of Republicans?

Why would conservatives only embrace a man whose beliefs most Americans have shown repeatedly they don’t subscribe to anymore? Why is he getting all this media attention for being exactly what Americans say they don’t want in a leader: a simplistic populist showing belligerent behavior to other countries?

Why do conservatives embrace folksy zeppelin-gassy windbags who say explicitly that we should attack any country on the planet that we can IMAGINE attacking us? Like Fred Thompson did in a video in 2003. Why do conservatives continue to insist that their presidential candidates demonstrate their adherence to values that in the past four years have proved to be catastrophic for the United States?

Why are they continuing to say this after leading us into a new Vietnam — a war in Iraq that was fought using the patently immoral rationale of pre-emptive war and that has proved to be not only unwinnable but a manifest tragedy?

Why do otherwise good people like Rudy Giuliani and John McCain insist that we must continue to fight and lose in our new Vietnam? Why do these good, effective leaders not see that it’s mainly their support for the war that’s losing them campaign money and credibility? Why is John McCain, a man who probably otherwise has more personal integrity and honesty than Hillary Clinton, going to be clobbered by her in election polls and lose his eminence in history because he refuses to admit that America started a bad war?

Why do the same conservatives who, in the Bill Clinton administration, rode around with bumper stickers saying “I love my country but fear my government” now defend the right of a president to spy on us with wiretaps (and without warrants) and use torture methods by any other name in the name of national security? Why do conservatives defend these beliefs using ridiculous hypothetical imperatives like “Of course you would torture someone if you thought it would save a baby’s life.” Why do they not realize that codifying it into law is different, and makes us as bad as we ever thought the Soviet Union was?

Why do conservatives think that criticizing your country, even when your country has done something horrific, is treason, even though that’s the kind of thinking that allowed Adolf Hitler to rise to power?

Why does nobody subscribe to the relatively easy to understand concept of the “sunk-cost fallacy,” which says you have to keep losing more lives in meaningless ways to justify lives already lost in meaningless ways?

Why do far-right wingers think that the bald emotions of their arguments make their arguments right? (Such arguments usually start with a sentence like this: “My son/father/grandfather died on the beaches/streets/jungles of ….”)

Why do conservatives not understand that these criticisms are not criticisms of a country’s obligation to defend itself, which is a different argument?

Why do conservatives put the sexual scandals of a man like Bill Clinton on a level of moral equivalency with those of a man like George Bush, whose wars have led to the deaths of thousands of people (if not a hundred thousand), who has argued that America has a right to torture people, who has defended the right to spy on us without any legal procedures (which should be loathsome to conservatives first and foremost) and who has shown a repeated and provable willingness to lie to justify these things?

Why do conservatives not realize that a lie is still a lie, even if George Bush doesn’t admit he’s lying?

Why do conservatives say they don’t like being lied to by Bill Clinton, but seem to eat it up like love when George Bush lies to them, as if they were masochists wearing chains and red balls in their mouths and swaddled in black leather gimp gear?

Why do conservatives have no responses to these questions other than asking “Why do liberals hate America?” Why would they ask that kind of non sequitur question unless they were afraid in their terrorized hearts that there might be something to hate about America?

Why has America not gone back and corrected our biggest political, diplomatic and legal mistake after Sept. 11: admitting that the attacks were an act of crime and not an act of war, and a job for international law enforcement agencies cooperating together rather than a unilateral act of a country bent on aggression and the use of its military?  Why do we not realize that we followed the wrong conclusion after 9-11 only because we were hurt and angry and not rational? Why do we not realize that whenever Americans are hurt or afraid, we will ALWAYS be taken advantage of by politicians, because it is in the nature of the politician to accrue more power to him or herself, whether Republican or Democrat. Why did we not realize that we could unite after 9-11 but also be skeptical of simple things like a president quickly arrogating much unconstitutional power to himself? Why do conservatives not realize this the way liberals do?

(Originally posted August 4, 2007)

Read Full Post »

Top Ten Turnoffs For Women On A First Date

In this spirit of this wonderful article on Yahoo!, I thought I’d make my own list of turnoffs for women on a first date. Here are the kind of guys a girl definitely won’t be going out with a second time:

10. Warmonger Harry
No, she’s not impressed with how many kills you got overseas. It’s your HUMANITY that will warm her up if you’re going to score.

9. BJ Thomas
How long were you in the bathroom? And what … are you trying to tell me you were getting oral sex in there? No way, BJ!

8. Scatman Crothers
You want to do what on her? If you think all she’s here for you to do is evacuate on, then you better think about evacuating the date!

7. “My Wife’s Here” Michael
If you were here for a threesome with your wife, that should have been more explicit in the e-mail you sent from Craigslist.

6. “Steven Hawking” … Steven
You’re wheelchair bound with Lou Gehrig’s disease and you can only move two fingers? Well put aside the fact that you’re married and require constant nurse supervision and talk out of a black voice box … but maybe you shouldn’t keep talking over her head about particle collapse! And watch what you say about superstring theory, because she might be an adherent, you dismissive know-it-all!

5. Blood Spatter Brad
You could have washed up before coming straight to your date from the forensic crime lab! She’s bound to think you don’t care if you’re covered in viscera and gore.

4. Poacher Pete
Trying to impress her with the two smuggled macaw eggs you’ve got in your incubator? Well try selling that to her if she’s one the Animal Cops, San Francisco. You’re going to jail, buddy!

3. “Humbert Humbert” Humbert
Just trying to get close to your date’s 13-year-old daughter Lo? Well you better think again, because even if you marry your date and then she mysteriously dies in a car accident and you become Lo’s legal guardian, enabling you to go on an illicit pedophilic adventure across the U.S., Lo will no longer relate to you after a while as a perfect parental imago, seeing instead all your weaknesses and imperfections, and as she spins a web of sexual power over you and your fecklessness, she will soon tire of it and bolt from you while seeking the embraces of her more exciting new lover Quilty.

2. Tennis Champion Martina
If your date were a Lesbian, she would have said it in the advertisement. Of course she’s been curious about it, but that was in college … and besides she wants to have children, so there’s no use trying to turn her now.

1. Scott “Scott Baio”
Wait, aren’t you … yeah, well she might have thought you were attractive when she was 13, but she didn’t know what sex was yet, and you seemed to be some ideal that helped her define her unfructified, emerging womanhood. But now she’s 37 and way past that, though evidently you aren’t, since you’re still trying to trade off on your child stardom to get women into bed, which is really pathetic by the way, and reveals that you only seem to think of women as accessories to your preening narcissism. But now that she thinks about it, everybody’s got a little starfucker in them, which I know is what you were waiting to hear. So why don’t you and she go to this little Motel 6 on I-5, just a few blocks from her son’s day school, so she can still pick him up by 3 p.m.


(Originally posted Aug. 4, 2007)

Read Full Post »

Man Be Well-Traveled

Bite off the hand and eat gold

From the dead arm of the Antietam soldier

Leave him on the lawn

In between the poles of ash

In the litter and Moses Wagon

They’ve drawn

Shear off your whiskers, anchorite, with metal noises

With the badge of confederate stripes

Your woman with high cheekbones

And pinched, Guatemalan eyes,

They split her open like a melon, and her eyes rolled back in her head—

They all used her good

Now paint a smile on her

And put her in the ground

Tucked as a pea,

A bump uncomfortable

for posterity

to sleep on

And after trading the bad specie

For new,

Shed the woman (still a note not made)

the gray coat and the bivouac,

Pulling up the rails behind you

Move to California (for

You were always Western in heart.)

You have hard tack in bags and

The Yankee’s gold chips

Raze the old mill house

And birth a livery

Tend horses for the unioners

Riding in with bloody uniforms,

Toothless mouths,

Spotsylvania-

Spittle covered hard stories

Clean the boxes with her portraits

And bury them all with the dead green rinds

Bury another dead wife and another

plucking from each sad one,

blueberry of a southern son

and they will call the business theirs in time

And history will then always know you,

Distinguished gentleman with a beard

(Originally posted July 29, 2007)

Read Full Post »

Top Ten

Top Ten Rules For Being An Entertainment Journalist

  1. Don’t ever ask Lou Reed simple yes and no questions. He will only answer yes or no, and then after five minutes he’ll start calling you an asshole, and then he’ll call your editors and tell them that you’re an asshole.
  2. Don’t ask Lindsay Lohan about her drunk driving arrest right off the bat. Before that, ask what it’s like to work with Meryl Streep while you’re on crank.
  3. Take off your shirt when interviewing Paris Hilton. She thinks it’s really hot.
  4. Don’t be tempted by Courtney Love’s efforts to establish intimacy with you by sharing her drugs or inviting you into her bathtub. She’s just making you her bitch.
  5. Your interview with Lily Allen isn’t over until the cheeky Brit-pop star has punched you in the face.
  6. It’s OK, don’t freak out! But the liquid in that white cup rocker Pete Doherty gave you might blind you for three hours.
  7. Try not to let Angelina Jolie hijack the interview by talking on and on about the genocide in Darfur, because subjects like that are not the reason you got into journalism.
  8. Be prepared to answer to the names Cameron Diaz calls you: “Sub,” “Maggot,” and “Little toe fucker.”
  9. Always try to get your interview subjects to comment on the hot topics of the day: Anna Nicole’s death, Paris Hilton’s jail term, and mathematician Grisha Perelman’s proof of the Poincare conjecture relating to the topology of three-dimensional manifolds.
  10. Remember, the ultimate goal is to have the celebrity lash out at you like an animal in a cage, meaning any creative solution to this goal, from pinching them to throwing acid at their faces, is all totally cricket.

(Originally posted July 24, 2007)

Read Full Post »

Event Horizon (A Poem)

Roman candles fizz after twilight,
And bottle rockets skid burping
into New Year’s champagne
Halting, my hand under a mouth
Parabolic potential
And zeroes;
When the fireworks’ rage
Waits to spend itself
In rain; in blue Technicolor tears
But duds, the long silk legs not achieved

Manhattan labored
through green prisms of stammering fog
And under the Brooklyn freeze: Base relief
When you, bold,
Hold to the water chains
You, with your nubile
lazy eye, to kiss there.

Kleig lights ignite the fog.
An explosion in the mouth:
Near the water;
The red hooks … apple down
32 feet per second per second

I didn’t think you’d do it
Too much riding on …
Too much pride for surrender
Too much joy in privation

A drunk swig, and a
suicide jumper in mid-air, you.
Afraid at the event horizon

Bombs are opened
in the infinity of post offices
Imagined,
Only abstracted through hair;
Only one light, one
Existence.
Closed between you, my h___,
My H____
My h____

(Originally posted July 19, 2007)

Read Full Post »

What’s On TV Tonight, July 17, 2007

2 TNT
We Are Now Officially the "Law and Order" Network

4 NBC
Oral Vs. Anal Retentive Fear Factor Theme
Nights Continue

7 Fox
Make a Tasty Ceviche, Or Be My Bitch (Reality)

10 Prayer Network
Jesus! You cock-blocked me!

20 VH 1
The Best Week Ever on Oxycontin

25 Food Network
Bobby Flay Serves You A Can of Spine

45 Fox News
Bill O'Reilly Beats Up A Shmoo

72 Ovation
The Artist As Woman-Hater

81 Sundance
Film: "Kiss Me Down There" (from Canada)

85 Style
The Blingiest Celebrity 
Alcohol Monitoring Bracelets

200 HBO
A Masturbatory New David Milch Show 
In Blank Verse

204 Cinemax
Pneumatic Suckings

208 Showtime
The Hip New Show Doth Protest Too Much

210 National Geographic Channel
This Hindu Temple is Covered In Cat Shit

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts