Top Ten Turnoffs For Women On A First Date
In this spirit of this wonderful article on Yahoo!, I thought I’d make my own list of turnoffs for women on a first date. Here are the kind of guys a girl definitely won’t be going out with a second time:
10. Warmonger Harry
No, she’s not impressed with how many kills you got overseas. It’s your HUMANITY that will warm her up if you’re going to score.
9. BJ Thomas
How long were you in the bathroom? And what … are you trying to tell me you were getting oral sex in there? No way, BJ!
8. Scatman Crothers
You want to do what on her? If you think all she’s here for you to do is evacuate on, then you better think about evacuating the date!
7. “My Wife’s Here” Michael
If you were here for a threesome with your wife, that should have been more explicit in the e-mail you sent from Craigslist.
6. “Steven Hawking” … Steven
You’re wheelchair bound with Lou Gehrig’s disease and you can only move two fingers? Well put aside the fact that you’re married and require constant nurse supervision and talk out of a black voice box … but maybe you shouldn’t keep talking over her head about particle collapse! And watch what you say about superstring theory, because she might be an adherent, you dismissive know-it-all!
5. Blood Spatter Brad
You could have washed up before coming straight to your date from the forensic crime lab! She’s bound to think you don’t care if you’re covered in viscera and gore.
4. Poacher Pete
Trying to impress her with the two smuggled macaw eggs you’ve got in your incubator? Well try selling that to her if she’s one the Animal Cops, San Francisco. You’re going to jail, buddy!
3. “Humbert Humbert” Humbert
Just trying to get close to your date’s 13-year-old daughter Lo? Well you better think again, because even if you marry your date and then she mysteriously dies in a car accident and you become Lo’s legal guardian, enabling you to go on an illicit pedophilic adventure across the U.S., Lo will no longer relate to you after a while as a perfect parental imago, seeing instead all your weaknesses and imperfections, and as she spins a web of sexual power over you and your fecklessness, she will soon tire of it and bolt from you while seeking the embraces of her more exciting new lover Quilty.
2. Tennis Champion Martina
If your date were a Lesbian, she would have said it in the advertisement. Of course she’s been curious about it, but that was in college … and besides she wants to have children, so there’s no use trying to turn her now.
1. Scott “Scott Baio”
Wait, aren’t you … yeah, well she might have thought you were attractive when she was 13, but she didn’t know what sex was yet, and you seemed to be some ideal that helped her define her unfructified, emerging womanhood. But now she’s 37 and way past that, though evidently you aren’t, since you’re still trying to trade off on your child stardom to get women into bed, which is really pathetic by the way, and reveals that you only seem to think of women as accessories to your preening narcissism. But now that she thinks about it, everybody’s got a little starfucker in them, which I know is what you were waiting to hear. So why don’t you and she go to this little Motel 6 on I-5, just a few blocks from her son’s day school, so she can still pick him up by 3 p.m.
(Originally posted Aug. 4, 2007)
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