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Posts Tagged ‘crime’

What Clickbait Are We Reading Today, Sept. 30, 2025?

Posted in Satire, The Internet, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2025| Leave a Comment »

  • Why if you pick the wrong gutter leaf cleaning service, you’ll be damned forever to hell.
  • Why the Pillsbury Doughboy’s political awakening was as creepy and unexpected as it was timely.
  • This TikTok influencer angrily spoke in tongues about a discontinued Dairy Queen item, and we all understood.
  • This once-rageful alpha male comes clean about his hemorrhoid journey.
  • This tradwife was cleaning the toilet like a rock star.
  • Who’s making dinner tonight? Fuck you if you think it’s me.
  • This peaceful city was turned into a war zone in the minds of rural people stealing anhydrous ammonia.
  • Why Hollywood won’t hire Brittany Murphy anymore.
  • This woman who looked up “perineum flowers” was understandably shocked by her findings.
  • Why are so many people’s last words so meh?
  • Study finds biggest hatred shared by recent immigrants: Even more recent immigrants.
  • Why this video of a fawn stumbling awkwardly through the rainy forest surprisingly hasn’t been politicized yet.
  • Free thinker who doubts usefulness of mRNA research is also that guy who disappeared around your sophomore year to “go work with my dad.”
  • Why what happened at school today is none of your business, Mom.
  • Why this Tucson man is worried about you being so young and pretty and alone.
  • Why researchers think the male loneliness epidemic and the male horniness epidemic might be related.
  • Dad’s not doing so well says not-blind daughter.
  • Why these seven appetizers will make you give up on the idea of going back to college.
  • Why Nicole Kidman’s personal turmoil is absolutely yours to delectate in, according to an op-ed writer at Cigar Aficionado magazine.
  • Why this TikTok stitch had to be finished with World War II aerial stock footage after a twisted ankle incident.
  • “It’s not like this marriage started with cartoon animals dressing a happy bride,” and other noted divorce attorney quips.
  • This for-sale house wasn’t haunted by a ghost, per se. But its drywall was indeed ruined by the cigarette-smoking previous owner.
  • Your friend Peter’s racist dad has a lot to say about sluts, too.
  • When does encouraging elderly people to say exactly what’s on their minds become a form of elder abuse? We ask because Peter’s dad is still talking and Peter’s obviously getting a sick thrill from showing him off.
  • This big floppy sandwich wasn’t about to take a TikTok exercise influencer’s bullshit.
  • You’ll never believe what the National Center for Integrative Cleanses said about this detox … because no such center exists. Made you look, asshole!

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What Clickbait Headlines Grabbed Us Today?

Posted in Comedy, Guns, Politics, tagged , , , , , , on March 25, 2021| Leave a Comment »

–*You’ll never guess how this kitten lost all his money.

–*Everyone but you is wearing their phones on the sides of their heads.

–*What Marie Osmond’s teeth look like today is insane!

–*This woman put what in where?

–*You didn’t love possums, so look what they did to your house.

–*See what happened when this man tried to take a bath in bitcoins.

–*This guy had a drill and you know exactly what happened to his hand.

–*This guy had a gun and you know exactly what happened to everyone around him.

–*This man used an anti-pirate slur. Look what the pirates did to him.

–*Ewwww! A pile of greasy pennies!

–*This actress stepped away at the height of her career and that’s why her name is completely baffling to you.

–*We kept asking this 93-year-old woman if sex is really over for her.

–*Could this headline launch a “stuff the doorknob in your mouth” challenge?

–*This man tried to own Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. It backfired.

–*Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got into a car. It backfired.

–*This guy lives in a state with lots of gun owners. He hopes what he just heard was car backfire.

–*After this cleanse, your body will collapse into a heap of skin.

–*Travelectomy says your appendix will most likely explode in these cities.

–*I’m going to win the lottery, said this statistical illiterate.

–*You won’t get pregnant if I pull out on time said this statistical illiterate.

–*New York is a crime ridden sewer, say these statistical illiterates.

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Participation Medal

Posted in Poetry, tagged , , , , , , on October 17, 2019| Leave a Comment »

The train coughed off its riders

Who would watch hockey or meet a friend

Or hoped to meet a girl

Some had been drunk on the train

To get ahead of the way they hoped they’d feel

A young teen explained to his friend

How to mug Long Islanders

“They’re so stupid, when you stare at them,

They just give you their money.”

Another woman chatted

As loud as she could

In the quiet car

And for a while it was enough,

For me to just watch the city

The firework box of surprises

 

Then I went to the street corner

And yelled “fuck” as loud as I could

 

I heard once the bulls of Pamplona

Like to knock spectators off the walls sometimes

And gore them.

And I remembered, no matter what city you’re in,

You really should participate.

 

 

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