Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Saturday, December 27, 2008 )

Stephanie and I are planning to shoot Retributioners 12 in Oklahoma City today. So don’t think, just because we’re on Christmas Vay-Cay that we’re not looking our for your entertainment interests.

In the meantime, we’ve been noshing on some fantastic desserts, including one by my sister-in-law that you can see here.

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Thursday, December 25, 2008 )

I just wanted to send a message of good cheer out to all my friends. Steph and I are in Oklahoma for a few days visiting relatives and during that time, Beauty is Imperfection postings will be a bit less frequent.

Happy holidays!

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Thursday, December 18, 2008 )

Stephanie and I have just released “The Retributioners — Episode 11: Facebook Friend Purge.” Stephanie here complains that she’s never had so many Facebook friends, and yet she’s never felt so alone. Starring Stephanie Faith Scott. Written and directed by yours truly.

Watch it here, or better still, go over and check it out on our brand spanking new channel: TheRetributioners.TV. Soon, I will be simulcasting my blog posts both there and on MySpace.

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Thursday, December 18, 2008 )

Des Moines, Iowa (API) William Studtgaart, a fifty-two year old obese mechanic with a drinking problem and three estranged children, confirmed today that he is no longer enamored with TV and film actress Jennifer Aniston, especially since the actress was left by her husband Brad Pitt in 2005. Studtgaart says that since her high profile divorce, he has come to see many flaws about Aniston that he had not noticed before.

“It’s not just her body or the fact that she’s started to look kind of plain to me, Studtgaart said. “Just something about her being another man’s reject makes her kind of unappealing.”

Studtgaart, who smokes three packs of cigarettes a day, suffers from excessive flatulence and has an ulcerous, unclosing wound on his right leg after a motorcycle accident, said that Aniston’s sorry pass has become even worse after a recent spate of magazine interviews.

“She just seems more needy than ever,” said Studtgaart, who is often known to have mac and cheese lodged in his beard. “I mean, every time I go to the pharmacy for my Viagra, there she is on the cover of some magazine talking about how happy she is now and doesn’t need all this attention. Um, excuse me, but I think the lady doth protest a little too much.”

Studtgaart described himself as a “monster fan” of the hit TV show Friends in the 1990s, and didn’t hesitate to add that he often masturbated to her image, sometimes when his ex-wives were sleeping in the same bed.

“Sure, I admit it,” he said. “But I mean, she was Jennifer Aniston back then. Now … I don’t know what she is to me anymore. Those big eyes. That helmet hairstyle. It’s just all so tired.”

Brad Pitt divorced Aniston in 2005 to begin a long-term relationship with actress Angelina Jolie, with whom he now has a large brood of children. Studtgaart admits it’s uncanny that he and Pitt tired of Aniston at the same time.

“I saw where he was coming from shortly after that. You’ve got this Angelina Jolie woman, and she’s a little strange, but deeper and more mysterious. I used to send Jennifer Aniston pictures of myself naked with a corn cob stuck up my ass thinkin’ that might get her hot. Now I’m kind of embarrassed I did that.”

When told that Aniston appeared in several revealing and almost-naked photos in the latest GQ magazine, Studtgaart smacked his head, leaving a large print of 5W-40 Pennzoil grease there.

“Oh please!” he said. “Girl, this has to stop. You’re just sullying the memory now of what we had. I wish you could just move on. You were so cute back in the 1990s. Funny. I’ve just evolved, girl.”

He then rolled up the latest copy of Penthouse and repaired to his garage’s broken pay toilet.

“I think I may have fallen for someone new,” he said. “Me and Jen are history.”

“Also,” he added, “I gotta go pinch a loaf.”

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Tuesday, December 16, 2008 )

Why are we throwing shoes at people?

–*Saying “I love you” didn’t come across the right way.

–*Some people are running hedge funds and not investing the money I gave them but instead setting up a Ponzi scheme so maybe they deserve to have shoes thrown at them.

–*Administering electo-shock to my patients isn’t enough anymore.

–*I was so close to getting bingo on that one.

–*I often feel like throwing shoes is the only way to get the stupid stuff on television to change.

–*I feel like it’s going to influence the behavior of people around me in a way that works out well for me.

–*I am not the kind of person who expresses emotions well, and mainly I hold things in for days and days and weeks upon weeks and then suddenly I’ve just got to throw a shoe at people.

–*’It’s a tradition here in Iraq

–*It’s a tradition I started here on aisle 4 at K-Mart.

–*It seems to be the only way to hold George Bush accountable

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Sunday, December 14, 2008 )

–*The Epi Pens

–*The Cassoulets with Lardons

–*Gross Embolization with special guest Gangrene

–*Eat the Afterbirth

–*Alternative Minimum Tax

–*The 401K Plans

–*The Crack Mileys

–*Return to Three Mile Island

–*Swab Kit

–*Colonoscopic Sound Voyage

–*Rod Blagojevich’s Excellent Adventure

–*Mopery With Intent

–*The Contractual Obligation Band

–*No (formerly all the ex-members of Yes who are no longer allowed to use the name)

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Wednesday, December 10, 2008 )

What weird, inchoate things are we suddenly saying to our spouses as we sit on the couch?

–*I’m all lumpy today.

–*Do you ever think you’d make an awful dog sitter?

–*The fourth season of most shows usually sucks, have you ever noticed that?

–*Do you ever wish you still had your foreskin?

–*Samantha at work let out the biggest fart today.

–*Why do some strangers hug you?

–*I pretty much agree with Wittgenstein that language is just a game.

–*I can’t eat gelatin. It’s not food and it’s not water. It’s like, in between.

–*Of all your pets, which one was your favorite? Don’t tell me you liked them all equally, that’s bullshit.

–*1998 was a very red year.

–*I hate when people say they hate the Beatles. They’re just trying to call attention to themselves and seem all rebellious.

–*Why am I, like, hating everybody today?

–*Did you say something? Oh, I guess I’m just all over the place.

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Monday, December 08, 2008 )

–*If Sir Reginald would take Ladybeth in his arms and give her a kiss.

–*If our hero turned into a big cockroach.

–*If the antihero was to reject all humanity because of his raging feelings of Nietzschean ressentiment.

–*If this frat douche was eaten by a rabid Malamute.

–*If Miley proved she wasn’t such a little girl after all.

–*If our hero put his girlfriend’s abortion on his wife’s credit card.

–*If a fetus started talking.

–*If this hot babe had girl-on-girl action in an insane asylum.

–*If our butch Lesbian character had a tool belt

–*If it were turned into a movie, which means somebody might actually pay attention to it.

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Sunday, December 07, 2008 )

Last year, I celebrated my birthday with a big Retributioners blow-out party. This year, the wife and I are keeping it low key. I saw Avenue Q the other night, and today, by design, we’re just walking around and not doing much of anything. It’s a happy, happy low-key birthday just the way I sometimes like it.

But I do appreciate the love from you good people. Thanks for sending me your well-wishes!

Read Full Post »