Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, December 18, 2008 )

Des Moines, Iowa (API) William Studtgaart, a fifty-two year old obese mechanic with a drinking problem and three estranged children, confirmed today that he is no longer enamored with TV and film actress Jennifer Aniston, especially since the actress was left by her husband Brad Pitt in 2005. Studtgaart says that since her high profile divorce, he has come to see many flaws about Aniston that he had not noticed before.

“It’s not just her body or the fact that she’s started to look kind of plain to me, Studtgaart said. “Just something about her being another man’s reject makes her kind of unappealing.”

Studtgaart, who smokes three packs of cigarettes a day, suffers from excessive flatulence and has an ulcerous, unclosing wound on his right leg after a motorcycle accident, said that Aniston’s sorry pass has become even worse after a recent spate of magazine interviews.

“She just seems more needy than ever,” said Studtgaart, who is often known to have mac and cheese lodged in his beard. “I mean, every time I go to the pharmacy for my Viagra, there she is on the cover of some magazine talking about how happy she is now and doesn’t need all this attention. Um, excuse me, but I think the lady doth protest a little too much.”

Studtgaart described himself as a “monster fan” of the hit TV show Friends in the 1990s, and didn’t hesitate to add that he often masturbated to her image, sometimes when his ex-wives were sleeping in the same bed.

“Sure, I admit it,” he said. “But I mean, she was Jennifer Aniston back then. Now … I don’t know what she is to me anymore. Those big eyes. That helmet hairstyle. It’s just all so tired.”

Brad Pitt divorced Aniston in 2005 to begin a long-term relationship with actress Angelina Jolie, with whom he now has a large brood of children. Studtgaart admits it’s uncanny that he and Pitt tired of Aniston at the same time.

“I saw where he was coming from shortly after that. You’ve got this Angelina Jolie woman, and she’s a little strange, but deeper and more mysterious. I used to send Jennifer Aniston pictures of myself naked with a corn cob stuck up my ass thinkin’ that might get her hot. Now I’m kind of embarrassed I did that.”

When told that Aniston appeared in several revealing and almost-naked photos in the latest GQ magazine, Studtgaart smacked his head, leaving a large print of 5W-40 Pennzoil grease there.

“Oh please!” he said. “Girl, this has to stop. You’re just sullying the memory now of what we had. I wish you could just move on. You were so cute back in the 1990s. Funny. I’ve just evolved, girl.”

He then rolled up the latest copy of Penthouse and repaired to his garage’s broken pay toilet.

“I think I may have fallen for someone new,” he said. “Me and Jen are history.”

“Also,” he added, “I gotta go pinch a loaf.”