–*A special function that allows you to send dirty messages to prison inmates.
–*A special function that allows you to conk your congressman over the head if he supports health care reform legislation.
–*A special interface that allows everybody following Ashton Kutcher on Twitter to give him an electrical shock about one-tenth the intensity of the TASER.
–*A special function that incorporates a camera, voice-to-text translation, digital signatures, phone book, keyboard, microphone and e-mail so that you can speak to that cute girl across the room.
–*Virtual sugar.
–*”The Style Guide,” a Twitter-type interface that allows 20,000 people to instantly text you and tell you that the shirt you’re wearing makes you look gay.
–*The “Pedophile Filter,” making sure that you’re only chatting with real 11-year-olds.
–*Virtual blindness. An app you JUST CAN’T SEE!!
–*An application that sends you straight to the online advertisements you love, such as the girl who dances about her new subprime mortgage.
–*The subprime mortgage finder.
–*”Sheepfuckers Only, VIP”
–*A function that allows a million people to tell you instantly that you’re acting like a douchebag, Dick Cheney.
Gassy
White, but using black slang in my blog posts
Too lazy to screw
Republican, but smoking pot,
Genocidal
Nostalgic for a time that wasn’t actually that good
Smarter than everybody else on the bus
Alone in my self-righteousness, also probably on the bus
Schadenfreude
Feeling more like an adult now that I’m a teen mom
Uneasy about that mercy killing
Blunt affect, a DSM IV manual term for one who is pathologically detached from his emotions
In the mood for hate sex
Treasonous
Oedipal
Like I forgot to take my birth control pill
Beauty is Imperfection 