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Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

–*The bunny hop jump

–*The ballet jump

–*The mashed potato

–*The lindy hop

–*The kabuki theater pantomime

–*Talk to the hand

–*The busting a kneecap with a tire iron flourish

–*The Darth Vader death grip

–*The cat’s-in-heat-again-and-rubbing-up-against-the-coffee-table reverse scoot

–*The “fleeing the shtetls hunched over in the snow” move

–*The drunk Cossack runs amok flail

–*The empathetic therapist crouch

–*The “too busy texting to look at you” dance, followed by a Toe walley

–*The sweet 16, protect-your-maidenhead pose

–*The “writing a check on your back” dance followed by a double axel

–*The nervously trying to bum a cigarette hand clap followed by a toeless lutz and a Mazurka

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Tonight, the New Orleans Saints faced off against the Indianapolis Colts, and as viewers know, this was one for the history books. From the history-making touch downs, to the endless scrums for position, to the awesome half-time shows, to the commercials that had us rolling in the aisles, this was one Super Bowl that people will definitely be talking about for years.

New Orleans has never won a title, which made tonight very important for them. It was trebly important for them given the troubles the city has seen and its need to restore a little civic pride and excitement.

It was also an important night for Peyton Manning. As you know, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the game. Nobody can hold a candle to him.

One thing is for sure, whether New Orleans wins or loses, the city is probably going to throw a party because that’s what they do best. Win or lose, it’s always a good time to do it up Cajun style.

OK, you’ve probably caught wind of the fact that I haven’t watched the game and I have no idea who won. As a journalist, it just wouldn’t be responsible of me to let you think I’d seen the game in person or watched it on TV when I haven’t. I just don’t want to pretend to give you the news when I haven’t got it first hand. That’s why I’m refusing to read The New York Times or The Washington Post or Yahoo to see who actually won because I don’t use second-hand sources. I’m giving you the scoop only as far as these eyes have it. It’s just not fair to my readers otherwise. It would really be dishonest of me.

But I can tell you that there was plenty of excitement. From the records set by some or more players in the game to the surprise, sexy half-time show (perhaps there were a few “wardrobe malfunctions”?), Super Bowl 2010 was balls-to-the-wall excitement, I am guessing. There were very likely many injuries and perhaps some last-minute tough calls by the coaches. Peyton Manning did his damnedest to incite his team to do their best work, whichever team he plays for. Also there was a huge soda commercial and perhaps an Apple Computer commercial as well. They have a new product out that looks like a writing tablet.

From up on high we saw pictures from the Goodyear blimp to give you a large panoramic perspective that increases your sense of space and amps up the anticipation.

Let’s not forget the lovely cheerleaders. I’m sure, well … I’m sure we’d all of us like to sleep with them. I hope I don’t sound sexist. I’m sure even you women out there would like to sleep with them. And the mascots! There are even people in the world who would like to sleep with the mascots, if you believe what you read on Match.com.

I tell you, if this wasn’t the best fucking Super Bowl in years, I’ll flash my bare ass from Macy’s window. When you’re at the water cooler tomorrow, I hope that some of these tidbits from the game will spice up your talk a little. And also I hope you’ll tell me who won. I was busy doing something else on Sunday.

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After a mysterious car accident led to press speculation about golf star Tiger Woods’ possible marital infidelities, there are now reports that he and his wife Elin Nordegren have renegotiated several aspects of their prenuptial agreement, which now reportedly includes $80 million extra for Nordegren if she stays with her husband for two more years and $5 million if she does not leave him immediately. What are some of the other new clauses in the prenup?

–*Nordegren is to be paid an extra million for every new bimbo who emerges in South Beach or the Hamptons claiming to have had sex with her husband.

–*That number is to rise to $1.5 million if the woman in question is a Playboy model

–*It will be $1.7 million if the photos of the Playboy model have been retouched

–*It will be $2 million if the woman Tiger slept with gets her own reality TV special

–*It will be $2.2 million if the reality TV show special involves Flavor Flav, Danny Bonaduce or Scott Baio or features vomiting.

–*Woods must pay the $3.99 per minute of phone sex out of his own pocket.

–*Nordegren does not have to make Tiger dinner, watch TV with Tiger or clap during the Masters if Tiger wins.

–*Nordegren gets $100,000 per sexual encounter with Tiger, plus a facial at Bliss Spa.

–*Nordegren does not have to address Tiger in English.

–*Nordegren does not have to continue to love him.

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Norwalk, Conn. (API) Dan Sparks, a local accountant, is appealing to the International Association of Athletics Federations to determine through a battery of tests, blood work, cheek swabs, and other intrusive physical examinations by doctors if his new girlfriend Carlotta Jones is really female.

“We’ve gotten to know each other a little better in the last few weeks at work,” says Sparks, “But Carlotta has always struck me as a bit masculine. She’s got a very powerful handshake, and last week she beat me in the 440 meter. I just don’t know if I should be putting her in the girlfriend category or maybe if ‘buddy’ is a better description.”

Sparks met Jones while both were going over the 2006 tax records for a defunct de-icing salt company. He liked the way she seemed to know everything about the ’69 Mets, and laughed heartily when she called this year’s Mets lineup “batters out of hell.”

“I was thinking to myself, ‘Now THIS is girlfriend material.’ But then I really started to think that it might be too good to be true. Now I’m really starting to think that she was.”

Among other suspicions he has about Jones are her massive shoulders; her 6 foot 2 inch height; her low, smokey voice; her enjoyment of Spike TV; her ability to beat Sparks at raquetball; and her insatiable love of “Celebrity Sleuth” magazine.

Several people have confirmed for Sparks that his new girlfriend has a vagina, but it has still given him pause.

“There are just so many factors that make up male and female these days. I mean, if some female athletes are disqualified for having Y chromosomes, shouldn’t I be able to get a ruling?”

Doctors say that Jones could conceivably be suffering from a number of conditions including hermaphroditism, congenital adrenal hyperplasia, progestin-induced virilization.

“Or maybe she’s just kind of dikey,” said Dr. Wilhemina Phillips, an endocrinologist at NYU.

Among the tests Jones must undergo are genetic counseling and interviews by a gynecologist, an endocrinologist and an internist.

Jones’ father has weighed in as well.

“I find this investigation a little silly,” said the senior Jones. “I’m almost 80% certain my daughter is a woman.”

“Just look at her,” said Sarah Carvel, another woman in the office who dated Sparks for a year and who is said to still be pining for him. “Carlotta is obviously not a woman. Somebody’s got to do something. I think Dan is just confused. He’ll come around.”

Jones herself, though, was quite adamant.

“I’m a woman, god damn it!” she said. “I wish everybody would stop asking me this question. I don’t see why I’ve got to answer to the IAAF. I was just having a fling.”

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(Originally posted Monday, August 18, 2008 )

Olympic fever has reached a high pitch, as the world marvels at the feats of Michael Phelps, Dara Torres and even Mongolian judo champ Tuvshinbayar Naidan. The excitement has led many to ask, “How do I become an Olympian?”

Well, it’s not easy, and there’s lots of competition. But if you are a self-starter and think you have what it takes, you too might be able to win the gold. But, as professionals in any field will remind you, the most important item is the interview. Here’s a primer on what to do and what not to do to be an Olympian:

Be Prepared

When you go to meet with the International Olympic Committee, they are going to want to know several things about you, so you should always be prepared to answer their questions. For instance, they may ask, “What do you know about the Olympics? Have you been following it long? How do you think you can contribute to our games?” Try to know the interviewer’s name beforehand to avoid an awkward moment. If you haven’t done your research before the interview, he will know you’re not serious about participating in Olympic sports.

Dress For Success

If you want to be an Olympian, you’ve got to look the part. That means a suit and tie. Nothing too loud or garish or disrespectful. A would-be Olympic swimmer, runner or Decathlon participant with Sylvester and Tweety on his tie lets the Olympic Committee know he’s not serious about being an athlete. Because he is obviously not serious about himself. The same rules apply to women. Always dress in a long skirt that falls below the knees and try to wear a jacket if possible.

Be on Time

Probably the hardest thing for Olympic athletes to understand is that keeping somebody waiting for even ten minutes shows absolutely no respect for him. The Olympic Committee member is using this meeting as an opportunity to see how dependable, reliable and level-headed you are. More important, you are showing him that you appreciate how busy he is. After all, he’s going to be seeing a lot of hopefuls, and if he has to make special allowances for your tardiness, that will not endear you to him. So set the alarm extra early and be punctual. You don’t have precious milliseconds to spare in either the 100 meter butterfly or the interview seat.

Show Your Strengths

Try to show the Olympic Committee why you would be a good fit for the Olympics. Perhaps the games are coming up in Barcelona. This would be the great time to show off some native Catalan words you learned in college. Or maybe you have traveled extensively and are comfortable with different peoples and cultures. Make sure to match your accomplishments with what the International Olympic Committee’s needs. Do you work well with team members, or are you better solo? Are you a multi-tasker? If so, maybe there’s a triathlon in your future. What special certificates do you have to, say, perform CPR or operate machinery? All of these items can gussy up a resume and impress the Olympic committee mightily.

Relax!

Of course, if you want to be in the Olympics, you’ve got to show that you can handle the pressure. That means not blowing your cool in the interview. Always look the interviewer in the eye. Let him finish his questions so you can formulate your answers. It’s OK to have a sense of humor, but don’t go overboard trying to be funny. That might show the Olympic Committee member that you’re not truly comfortable in your own skin. Don’t be thrown by ringing telephones or interruptions. The interviewer will likely wonder: If the candidate loses his cool in the interview room, how likely is it that he is going to keep his head in the 110 meter hurdles in front of thousands of screaming Chinese? Don’t sweat until you’re out of the blocks and running!

Follow Up

Remember to send a letter to the Olympic Committee member and thank him for his time. It could be that he’s had a busy day and won’t remember all his applicants. That extra letter reminds him who you are and why you want the job. It also shows him you’ve had a bit more time to decide you still really want to be an Olympic swimmer. Furthermore, when you send that follow up note, he will sense that you are interested in more than just a job-you’re interested in a professional relationship.

Also, you must have 20 years of training and a physical predisposition to athletics.

But besides that, these tips are the most important things you’ll need to know before embarking on your exciting new career as an Olympian. Remember, you are not just trying to get a job. You are a salesman, and the product is YOU. You have to remember that anybody who puts his mind to it can achieve his goals. And once you have that confidence (as well as the requisite 20 years of training, starting when you are four, and a physical predisposition to sports) then you will impart that confidence to others. And that will make you part of a winning team.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 13, 2008 )

“Roger Clemens”+steroids

“Roger Clemens”+wife+steroids

“Roger Clemens”+wife+bikini+steroids

“Roger Clemens”+”Brian McNamee”+wife+steroids

“Jose Canseco”+wife+bikini

“Debbie Clemens”+”Jessica Canseco”+”comparing physiques in mirror”

“Debbie Clemens”+bikini+”Sports Illustrated”

“Jessica Canseco”+naked+Playboy

“Andy Pettitte”+”human growth hormone”+prudent+discreet

Clemens+steroids+strikeouts+1996

Clemens+steroids+”statistically impossible”

“John McCain”+”front-runner”

“John McCain”+”front-runner”+Barack

“Mitt Romney”+”Rush Limbaugh”+crying

“John McCain”+”Barack Obama”+”audacity of hope”

“What does platitude mean?”

“Is hope a platitude?”

“Why does John McCain hate platitudes?”

“Why does John McCain hate hope?”

McCain+”Hanoi Hilton”+torture

McCain+”Fidel Castro”+”pissing match”

“Roger Clemens”+”wife took human growth hormone”

“Did Debbie Clemens take human growth hormone?”

“Does human growth hormone cause aggression?”

“Roger Clemens”+”2000 World Series” and “threw baseball bat at Mike Piazza”

“Roger Clemens”+”threw bat”+”$50,000 fine”

“Roger Clemens”+”Congressional oversight committee”+”I don’t believe you”

“American Idol”

“American Idol”+”female singer”+”dad just died”

“How many American Idol contestants’ dads just died?”

“American Idol”+”female singer”+”dad just died”+”statistically impossible”

“Paul Abdul”+rehab

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(Originally posted Sunday, November 11, 2007)

What are some of the new and more controversial moves being declared illegal in professional wrestling?

The double clothesline

The yellow-throated warbler death grip

The backhoe special

The reverse cowgirl pile driver

The midget wrestling foreign body retrieval special

The Argentine backwash choke-hold

The Nagasaki vaporizer

The widows and orphans fund four-fingered death lock

The Joan Crawford masculine shoulders block takedown

The reverse toilet-trainer

The seated senton with one-hand magazine

The Preparation H special

The reverse turnbuckle titty twister

The happy Jesuit runs amok hold

The two girl cock block

The crucifixion finisher

The flying fuck at your heart punch

The bloody pen knife

The Norman Mailer flatulence blow (Rest in peace)

The Vespers bell clap

The dirty Sanchez sunset flip

The scimitar of Damascus throat finisher

A fireman’s carry followed by a ballet fourth gorilla press followed by a knee to the spine

The reverse ankle tendon sit n’ spin

The “alien popping out of your stomach at lunch” cloverleaf hold

The Hannibal Lecter butterfly mash

The Pasolini’s “120 Days of Sodom” claw hold

The chicken strangler

The mounted chin lock

The happy face buster

The shoe fetish anaconda vise

And finally, the “End of the Republic” guillotine scissor kick

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