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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Everyone In Commune Wants To Sleep With Blonde Girl

Posted in Relationships, Society, tagged , , , , , , on April 12, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Monday, February 02, 2009)

Adelaide, Vermont (API) — Everybody at Hutter Farms, a free-love hippie commune in upstate Vermont, wants to sleep with the new blonde 23-year-old arrival Bethany Woodruff, the commune’s leaders reported today. Though all comers are welcome to the community, which its elders describe as a village of peace, labor and brotherhood, the elder members are a bit nonplussed by the presence of the almost-six-foot-tall blonde, whose milk-white skin and highly erotic facial structure, they worry, could upset the order of the community.

“This is just a nightmare,” said Marion “Mother Hen” Dubrowski. “The other night at the tribal meeting we asked who’d like to work with Bethany on the grist mill and about 95% of the tribe raised their hands. I mean, how could we get anything done if all we ever did was separate chaff? Am I going crazy?”

Hutter Farms, a “back-to-the-land” commune built in 1975 to espouse the values of labor, eco-friendly energy and anarcho-primitivism, has also had a free-love belief system since inception. This has led its members to tear up old social conventions, and so members ask each other for sex in weekly group meetings in which everyone is involved. As part of the mating dance, everyone weighs in with their feelings, and if the sex is to be consummated, the whole group chimes in with a mating dance with horns and songs and goat’s urine.

“I’m all about free love, but I just threw down the clipboard when I saw Bethany coming,” said tribal elder Peter “Gray Wulf” Jones. “Every once in a while this happens. Some little hottie comes along and shreds the revolutionary social fabric. I’m really depressed.”

Woodruff, a B.A. graduate in botany from Syracuse University, is five feet 11 inches with fluent limbs, a good chest, and a smattering of freckles. She came to the colony with her husband Jim Woodruff so that they could “get away from the depredations of modern industrial culture,” they said.

“Honestly, though, it was really Jimmy’s idea,” said Bethany. “Now I’m in this pit every night and each time I get here some old hippie wants to have a go at me. I’m a little frightened.”

The nightly gatherings were arranged in 1976 as a way for members to be able to ask for sex in ways that were not socially awkward.

“The old system of marriage is just so backward,” said Milton “Antler Warrior” Schonstein. “Here, it’s just laid back. You’ve got the whole camp behind you helping you tell the girl you’re attracted to that you’d love to share sex with her. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s just so much better than regular society.”

“I’m not going anywhere near that guy,” said Bethany Woodruff when asked if she would like to sleep with Schonstein. “He’s got shit in his hair.”

Hutter Farms was formed as many urbanites fled the Vietnam War and decided to recreate American society in a new pastoral idiom that eschewed war, meat, unsustainable energy and, most important, sexual inhibition.

“If we were all having sex more, there would be no more war,” said 90-year-old “Pa Hutter” who founded the society after leaving a job at Dow Chemical in 1968 over a stock options argument. “Everyone rise tonight and say who it is you’d like to express your love to!”

“Bethany!” yelled everybody.

Among the other values embodied by the community are radical self-expression, respect for mother nature, respect of spirituality in all forms that are not patriarchal or demeaning, and the enlightenment that comes with cleansing the doorways of perception.

“Bethany is a great soul,” said Schonstein. “She’s come here because she’s curious and looking for answers and the deteriorating industrial ideal just held nothing for her anymore. She’s like Eve in the Garden of Eden. Naked. So naked. I really get her.”

“They want me to go to the tribal meeting tonight and talk me into having sex with somebody who’s got crab lice,” Bethany said. “Wait! Did you hear that? They’re talking about me. Somebody’s in the bushes!”

According to the tribal log, those who have expressed a desire to have sex with Woodruff are 21-year-old Denny “God Breeze” McClaine; 25-year-old Johnny “Banjo” Gansevoort; 53-year-old Michael “Dizzy Hawk” Hochstein; 28-year-old Richie “Eglantine” Prichard; 22-year-old Lyle “Rabbit Foot” Babbit; 52-year-old Sheila “Moonchild” Daniels; 62-year-old Marion “Mother Hen” Dubrowski; 72-year-old Mavis “Ghost Dog” Searling; 19-year-old Dennis “Hiawatha” Ostin; 90-year-old Lenny “Pa” Hutter; 13-year-old Starshine Mathers; 7-year-old Jake “Doolittle” Smalls; 14-year-old Charlotte “Moonbeam” Pasternak; and 42-year-old Dolores “Squeaky” Procnow.

A notable exception was Woodruff’s husband Jim.

“I’m just so over attachments and strings,” said Jim Woodruff. “I was really an unevolved person before, and I think it was holding Bethany back. It just wasn’t fair for me to be so possessive. Now she’s free and I think our love is stronger for that.”

“They’re out there!” Woodruff whispered in horror. “All of them are outside my tent waiting for me. I’m doomed. I’m a hunted animal. I think I’m losing my mind.”

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What’s Keeping Our Marriages Together?

Posted in Relationships, tagged , , on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Saturday, January 03, 2009)

–*The mortgage

–*The cat

–*We know each other’s worst secrets

–*We share a mutual narcissism that is part of an evolutionary need to seek out like phenotypes.

–*Divorce is too costly

–*The wedding cost so much and it was really only a year ago. Besides, we’re too afraid of death to be alone.

–*Duh, the INS is still watching!

–*Child No. 4 might be a keeper.

–*If you weren’t enabling me in my drinking habit, what else could your life possibly mean?

–*It’s good to have somebody to touch base with every once in a while at the swinger’s clubs.

–*It’s good to have somebody to touch base with in this large horrible vacuum of empty space called life.

–*All those shits back home said we’d never make it. We’ll show them.

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California School Children Now Safe From Unpleasant Topics

Posted in Politics, Relationships, Society, tagged , , , on March 17, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Monday, November 10, 2008 )

Santa Rosa, Calif. (AP) — During the battle over Proposition 8, the constitutional state ban against gay marriage, parents groups had protested loudly that it was unfair to foist the topic of gay marriage onto schoolchildren. Those groups are now rejoicing that the proposition has passed, and that schoolchildren are safe to return to much less troubling topics like the Iraq War, Chernobyl, Abu Ghraib and the Holocaust.

“It was very difficult for me as a teacher to explain gay marriage to my students,” said Santa Rosa fifth-grade teacher Margie Prendergast as her students sat in the other room watching The Sorrow and the Pity. “I mean, how do you tell a child that a princess can marry a princess? It’s just absurd.”

“I wish I was dead,” said Jonah Brooks, aged 8, after hearing what the Holocaust was. “I think at night that somebody’s going to kill me. I’m cold all over and have nightmares.”

Helen Schiffren, a 40-year-old upstate California homemaker, concurred with Prendergast.

“What people don’t understand when they’re making these decisions is that there are children in the schools who are innocent,” said Schiffren, whose 10-year-old daughter April had just seen a film of Inuits clubbing seals to death. “My daughter is innocent. Why does she have to be dragged into this?”

When asked how she liked the movie, April Schiffren said only, “The horror. The horror.” She then shook her head, walked away and refused to answer any more questions.

Coach Jed Stevens of John Milton Elementary School in San Luis Obispo said that California had done the right thing.

“What people don’t realize is that when marriage is redefined, it affects society at every level, even the level of children,” said Coach Stevens, whose class was enjoying a special viewing of Bambi. The kids emerged from the film later crying hysterically.

“Why did Bambi’s mother have to die?” said 8-year-old Robert Peters. “Coach Stevens said it was the circle of life. But what does that even mean to me? I wish I had a gun.”

Prendergast said that gay marriage would definitely affect kids, who, if it weren’t for school, would have absolutely no other way of knowing about what adults do, even in this digital age, where information feeds back at lightning speed.

“Everything kids know they know from their teachers and parents. They have no other ways to think for themselves and we must shield them from life’s most traumatizing and confusing topics like adult sexuality,” said Prendergast, right before her class asked her what Abu Ghraib was. Prendergast went into it in excruciating detail.

“Wow,” said Sam Singer, one of Prendergast’s 10-year-old students. “People turn into real monsters when they’re angry. Now I wonder day or night if somebody’s going to water-board me. If Ms. Prendergast is keeping out the worst stuff, then I already don’t want to live anymore.”

“Kids reflect us,” Schiffren said. “They are little perfect replicas of us. We have to protect them. For God’s sake we must, we must, we must.”

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Americans’ Lives Ruined By Gay Marriage

Posted in Politics, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on March 15, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Sunday, October 26, 2008 )

San Francisco (API) — The onset of gay marriage in the United States has ruined the lives of straight people, say an overwhelming majority of struggling and rageful heterosexual married couples.

Since the legalization of gay marriage in states like California, Connecticut and Massachusetts, 95% of heterosexual couples say that they can no longer enjoy their married lives at all and are feeling despondent and depressed over it. Sixty-seven percent say food doesn’t taste as good; 55% say they no longer relate to their spouse; 23% no longer perceive different colors; 10% said they can’t touch animals or certain kinds of synthetic fabric; and an overwhelming 98% say that they no longer enjoy the act of sexual intercourse.

“Gay marriage has just ruined everything,” said Wayne Betancourt of Franklin, Mississippi. “I feel like we’re all just walking around in a state of waking death at my house. And I know my neighbors feel the same way. Marriage used to be sitting down to dinner with my wife and talking about our day. Now evidently it’s supposed to be some kind of trannie Wigstock Festival listening to Kylie Minogue. I’m just shattered.”

“The other night my husband was making love to me,” said Rachel Haddingfield. “And just as he was about to reach orgasm, he stopped and said, ‘I don’t know why I bother Rachel. I mean, in today’s gay world, I might as well be cornholing you instead.’ I knew that was the beginning of the end. We’re barely speaking now.”

Since gay marriages were first made legal in San Francisco several years ago, heterosexual couples claim that their interpersonal domestic lives have been directly impacted, marked by strained communication, emotional outbursts, food phobia, psoriasis, mange and worst of all, passive-aggressive behavior such as an unwillingness to speak or take out the garbage and pay bills.

“This is only a guess, but I’d say we’ve lost about $4 trillion in productivity because of this,” said gas station attendant Lance Bangs.

Since the Supreme Court a few years ago found what many scholars say is an implicit right of gays to marry, most heterosexuals say that their belief in the legitimacy of their own marriages has now been irretrievably shaken. The divorce rate among them is now 50%.

“Can you imagine?” says John McManus of the Pew research institute. “Fifty percent! That’s half of American married people whose lives have been ruined. All by a certain group of people, I won’t say which, who want to turn a Christian institution into La Cage aux Folles.”

“My son tried to commit suicide last week,” said Foster Harrigan, a truck driver in Olympia, Washington. He refused to elaborate.

Among the traumatic feelings heterosexuals have felt since the first reports of legal gay marriage are less attraction to their spouses; worries that they themselves or their children might be gay; an unsettled feeling that all marriage is no longer valid and their relationships are thus likely to dissolve in confusion; post-coital depression; post-nasal drip; bleeding ulcers; wild swings in the stock market; and wild anxiety about a new age of violent, gay frontier justice.

“I hope the gays are happy,” said Wayne Rangel, a postal employee from Osh Kosh, Wisconsin. “They are selfish, selfish people and now their selfishness has penetrated the most intimate, sacred areas of my life. I just can’t look at my wife the same way knowing that our well-founded, healthy red-blooded heterosexual love has been turned into a mockery, a joke and a sham. Evidently now, according to the U.S. Constitution I can’t be married now unless I’m willing to be fisted by a male stranger in a Berlin bathroom stall. Am I supposed to kneel somewhere? How does this work?”

Many voiced concern that with the likely surge in gay ceremonies being performed, they won’t even know how to be married anymore.

“I mean, when I come home, do I ask my wife for a foot rub and have a romantic dinner or am I supposed to dress up like Dorothy, lube up with KY and watch Melrose Place?” asked Glenn Davis from upstate California. “I mean, we’re sitting at home now looking at each other like we’ve completely lost the script. It’s just dead silence for hours. Is it me? Am I going crazy?”

“These are our lives!” insisted kindergarten teacher Grace McCutcheon of Terre Haute, Indiana. “Marriage is a sacred Christian institution. It’s not an episode of Wonder Woman. I don’t think the gays understand that.”

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How Do We Know Our Favorite Reality Show/Our Marriage Has Jumped The Shark?

Posted in Film & TV, Relationships, tagged , , , , , , , , on March 7, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, September 23, 2008 )

What are the tell-tale signs that your favorite reality TV show or your marriage has jumped the shark?

–*He’s drinking too much

–*Tyra is drinking too much

–*You and your husband have agreed to always take separate vacations

–*Everybody on the island has put it to a vote and decided the Earth is flat.

–*Your wife is asking for the passwords to all your financial accounts

–*Kim Kardashian’s accountant is now a regular on the show

–*Your husband wants to inject part of his ass into his face

–*Tyra has invented the “cleavage cam”

–*Nobody knows where the kids are

–*Nobody knows where the kids are

–*Ted McGinley

–*Couples therapy has fallen down on the priority list below replacing the liner on the above-ground pool

–*Couples therapy is the next episode

–*You no longer laugh together at “Everybody Loves Raymond”

–*Nobody loves to see Scott Baio taking a crap.

–*Half the TV screen is digitally scrambled naked chicks

–*Ditto.

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If People Spoke Out Loud The Way They Behaved

Posted in Relationships, Society, tagged , , , on January 31, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

What would people say if they were to actually articulate the ways they usually behaved?

–*I don’t like my job as a lawyer working 80 hours a week, but I keep doing it because it affords me a sense of prestige and allows me all kinds of social posturing that I cannot live without.

–*There are many seats in this coffee house, but I want yours because I always sit there and it gives me a sense of consistency and familiarity that behooves my particular chemical imbalance.

–*People who do the right thing are usually obnoxious, which is why I like to punch them in the face.

–*Fairly often, I like to get rid of all my clothes, mainly because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself.

–*Fairly often, I like to get rid of all my friends, mainly because they remind me of things I don’t like about myself. Then I like to marry a European.

–*I need a really strong mook of a guy who has no feminine qualities so that I feel more like a girl. Because for much of my life, I haven’t.

–*Boney, sickly skinny women aren’t really that attractive, but I will take you because it still reflects well on me.

–*I like to repeat to anybody who will listen that I am an artist because it helps put salve on a sorely lacking sense of identity.

–*I want to convert and marry into a Hasidic Jewish community and wear a wig and not touch anybody when I menstruate because it will help salve a sorely lacking sense of identity.

–*I want to be president because I’d be so powerful I’d get to fuck a lot of chicks.

–*I like to sleep with third-tier celebrities because of my overarching sense of worthlessness.

–*I like to say I’m related to Herve Villechaize because I can’t stand it when nobody pays attention to me.

–*I like to make a list of enemies whenever I start a new job. That way my paranoia has faces and names I can assign to it.

–*I like to pace around the house because I am deathly afraid I will accomplish something awful if I sit down.

–*I like to show the spots on my big wings to attract a mate because I am a monarch butterfly.

–*I like to show my cleavage to stockbrokers because I am a skank from Staten Island.

–*I like to play air guitar because I am frightened that I would actually have to practice a real one.

–*I like to play a real guitar, because it’s a real turn-on to a girl, at least until you marry her.

–*I like to fight for the last seat on the bus with old women, even if I don’t really need it, just because I am hard-wired to be competitive and assert my dominance, and I am hoping that all the potential mates around me will then pick up on my manly scent.

–*I’m pretty, so I don’t have to say anything.

–*I’m not pretty, and sometimes it feels like I’ve got to talk forever and ever and ever.

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Cougars?

Posted in Relationships, tagged , on January 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Saturday, November 10, 2007)

The hot new fascination on reality TV is for “cougars,” older females such as Demi Moore chasing younger males such as TV star Ashton Kutcher.

What are some of the other new slang terms out there for people in oddly matched relationships?

Meerkats: Young gay men who want to be with older men who look and talk like wisecracking stage entertainer Buddy Hackett.

Titmice: Young 17-year-old boys who want to have sex with 15-and-a-half-year-old females in their remedial high school classes but can’t because of state statutory rape laws.

Leopards: Older women who pounce on younger males by being agile climbers, though they can’t come down from a tree head first

Thrushes: twentysomething girls who, despite their beauty and talent, will take any bottom feeder they can scrape up

Platypus: A fortysomething man who somehow gets all the women even though he’s gawky and tells stupid jokes and dances like a farting duck

Panthers: Older “Hip Moms” who pick up their boyfriends by slyly blending in with their 18-year-old daughters.

Pullet: A young female who has already started laying eggs but has not yet moulted. Like Britney Spears.

Hermit crab: a rock star without a home who occasionally lives with his model girlfriend, also without a home

Narwhal: a fat bloated man about town who’s always getting his long tusk in your shit

Buzzard: A man whose whole romantic life is based around waiting for his hot female friend’s relationship to end so he can move in for the kill

Okapi: a woman whose whole identity is wrapped up in the men she dates, and whose every utterance and thought comes out of the mouth of some jerk she’s fucking.

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Sexual Theme Park In London

Posted in Health, Relationships, tagged , , , , on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, October 30, 2007)

This year, a “sexual theme park” opened in London’s Piccadilly Circus, which its sponsors hope will dispel notions of sexuality as somehow dirty or unhealthy.

Here are a list of rides currently operating at the park:

“The Matterhorny”

“The Panty Raids of the Caribbean”

“Water Sports Arena”

“Face Mountain”

“The Wild D-Cup Ride.”

“Sexual Boundaries Frontierland”

“Gash Mountain”

“Finding Cha-Cha Submarine Ride”

“The House of Shoe Mirrors”

“The Flying Coochie Ride”

“The Rockin’ Tug”

“The Zero G-String Ride”

The “Everybody’s Family” Treehouse

“The Magical Carousel of Polyamory”

“Will You Love Me Tomorrowland”

“Glass Bottom Boat”

“The Enchanted Peter”

“The Great 90 Degree Muff Dive”

And the multicultural excursion, “A Thai Hooker Gave Me A ‘Round-the-World’ After All.”

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Things We Said In Anger…

Posted in Comedy, Relationships, tagged , , on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Wednesday, October 17, 2007)

Stupid Things We Said In Anger That We Wish We Could Take Back Now….

–“Your chocolate Jesus sculpture was derivative.”

–” That’s just something I’d expect to hear from a woman who didn’t ever go through puberty because of a pituitary deficiency.”

–“I don’t know if your being a hermaphrodite was ever really such a big turn on for me in the first place now that I think about it.”

–“All you were to me was a pair of gams and a sub-prime mortgage.”

–“I wasn’t in love with you; I only loved your Amway Saleswoman of the Year award.”

–“At least I’m not a dyslexic pedophile from Southie.”

–“You’re just a Torah-dropper.”

–“I hate you and your stupid parasitic twin.”

–“You aren’t even qualified to be installing that operating system. … You faggot!”

–“Let’s invade Iraq.”

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Personal Ads I’d Like To See

Posted in Relationships, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Oct. 2, 2007)

* Control freak seeks mealy mouthed submissive to be human ashtray and whipping boy. Clean my house a plus.

* Republican country club member seeking beard marriage with handsome Republican lady who is pragmatic and knows how to keep her mouth shut.

* James Joyce aficionado seeks Molly Bloom type to be both an abusive fishwife and a really disgusting pig in bed.

* Whippit fiend needing money and a friend. You bring the huff, I’ll bring the baby.

* Swinging couple from Brooklyn looking to share 420 and our bodies with a square, uptight and clean couple from a plains state such as Kansas, Nebraska or South Dakota. Drive us to Vermont a plus.

* Midwestern goy-boy seeks a woman who is some combination of all the female characters in “Fiddler On the Roof,” including and especially the mother. I am naturally lazy, but hoping you can motivate me. Will convert if necessary.

* DC intern looking to sleep with a member of Congress so I can publish a book before I’m 21. I come from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, attended Brown, have connections to the Forbes Top 100, and have an amazing body with a particularly large set of knobs. Love a man with gray hair and a whiff of condescension. Like dad.

* Really screwed up plumpish girl with body issues seeks a brutish man who can guide her through the twists and turns of the adult film industry. Am allergic to cats.

* Orange County plastic surgery addict is on husband number five and wanting to set up my next marriage now before I start to look like a work of taxidermy.

* Hyper intelligent young female lawyer tired of being the funny one and now seeking a hot guy to make me feel like a whole woman finally and be an accoutrement to my idea of success. I don’t care if you make less money than I do, just get here fast, so that I stop feeling this strange temptation to join the hookers that I now represent pro bono.

* Lesbian cop seeks flighty, confused housewife to work through what might be your homosexuality, and if it isn’t, to have fun just the same. I have tools.

* Houston oil widow looking for a man with a jet to sweep me off my feet and trick me into the illusion of love just one more time. Must love eight yapping Pomeranians and an emu.

* Atlantic City hooker of ambiguous racial background seeking real love from a man who will drive her to work at the Tropicana and have a beer waiting when she gets off at 11:00 a.m.

* Inuit Eskimo in Northwest Territories seeks woman with big forearms who can lift a seal out of the ice hole after I puncture its brain through the eyesocket with my special implement. No lice eaters.

* Free spirited woman who lives outside the box looking to be pampered and spoiled by older man with no imagination who will always refer to me as the wild and pretty one at parties. An advanced degree in an applied science puts you in my creamy center.

* Gay teen seeks sugar daddy in Hollywood Hills for me and eight of my friends. Spoil me rotten and let me use the pool and this beefcake is all yours. Must have Insulin and a safety deposit box.

* Man seeks woman. I’m a sensitive guy. A really nurturing guy and I want to take care of you, and even prefer it if you’re a little messed up so my role as a caretaker is just that much more clearly defined. I prefer women with pill problems or those who cry during sex. I also like cutters. It’d be great if you were, say, hooked on Vicodin after a car wreck, or if you were molested as a child, or even if you’re just plain nuts.

* Japanese girl looking to be a punk rocker and work in a bank. I like it if I can draw lipstick on you. You are so FUNNY!

* Demented sadist looking for blindfold-kidnap-rape role play with a sycophant pussy bitch. Must like Will Ferrell movies.

* Parents of a good Muslim Pakistani girl in Ohio have raised their daughter in the Western fashion so that she has a sense of freedom and individuality. Now looking to arrange a marriage for her with a fifty-year-old doctor from Karachi. Call if you like her picture and we’ll let you know that she hasn’t run away.

* Aging rock star with recurring self esteem issues looking for mercenary blonde with big tits to give me false sense of ego. Handle bookings a plus. Don’t piss off the band like the last one.

* Postman seeking anybody. Just anybody. Please don’t make my love turn to vengeance. Call me now.

* One-time high school nerd looking to pick up divorced ex-cheerleader. I’ve been waiting to have you and now I will.

* Look, I’m a crazy psycho bitch. Total vagina dentata. With me, what you see is what you get. So if you’re a guy who’s comfortable with that, let’s start from there and see if we can work our way up to polite and maybe it won’t end like a train wreck the way it usually does.

* Marry me for the political asylum, but stay because you love me.

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