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Posts Tagged ‘arranged marriage’

(Originally posted Oct. 2, 2007)

* Control freak seeks mealy mouthed submissive to be human ashtray and whipping boy. Clean my house a plus.

* Republican country club member seeking beard marriage with handsome Republican lady who is pragmatic and knows how to keep her mouth shut.

* James Joyce aficionado seeks Molly Bloom type to be both an abusive fishwife and a really disgusting pig in bed.

* Whippit fiend needing money and a friend. You bring the huff, I’ll bring the baby.

* Swinging couple from Brooklyn looking to share 420 and our bodies with a square, uptight and clean couple from a plains state such as Kansas, Nebraska or South Dakota. Drive us to Vermont a plus.

* Midwestern goy-boy seeks a woman who is some combination of all the female characters in “Fiddler On the Roof,” including and especially the mother. I am naturally lazy, but hoping you can motivate me. Will convert if necessary.

* DC intern looking to sleep with a member of Congress so I can publish a book before I’m 21. I come from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, attended Brown, have connections to the Forbes Top 100, and have an amazing body with a particularly large set of knobs. Love a man with gray hair and a whiff of condescension. Like dad.

* Really screwed up plumpish girl with body issues seeks a brutish man who can guide her through the twists and turns of the adult film industry. Am allergic to cats.

* Orange County plastic surgery addict is on husband number five and wanting to set up my next marriage now before I start to look like a work of taxidermy.

* Hyper intelligent young female lawyer tired of being the funny one and now seeking a hot guy to make me feel like a whole woman finally and be an accoutrement to my idea of success. I don’t care if you make less money than I do, just get here fast, so that I stop feeling this strange temptation to join the hookers that I now represent pro bono.

* Lesbian cop seeks flighty, confused housewife to work through what might be your homosexuality, and if it isn’t, to have fun just the same. I have tools.

* Houston oil widow looking for a man with a jet to sweep me off my feet and trick me into the illusion of love just one more time. Must love eight yapping Pomeranians and an emu.

* Atlantic City hooker of ambiguous racial background seeking real love from a man who will drive her to work at the Tropicana and have a beer waiting when she gets off at 11:00 a.m.

* Inuit Eskimo in Northwest Territories seeks woman with big forearms who can lift a seal out of the ice hole after I puncture its brain through the eyesocket with my special implement. No lice eaters.

* Free spirited woman who lives outside the box looking to be pampered and spoiled by older man with no imagination who will always refer to me as the wild and pretty one at parties. An advanced degree in an applied science puts you in my creamy center.

* Gay teen seeks sugar daddy in Hollywood Hills for me and eight of my friends. Spoil me rotten and let me use the pool and this beefcake is all yours. Must have Insulin and a safety deposit box.

* Man seeks woman. I’m a sensitive guy. A really nurturing guy and I want to take care of you, and even prefer it if you’re a little messed up so my role as a caretaker is just that much more clearly defined. I prefer women with pill problems or those who cry during sex. I also like cutters. It’d be great if you were, say, hooked on Vicodin after a car wreck, or if you were molested as a child, or even if you’re just plain nuts.

* Japanese girl looking to be a punk rocker and work in a bank. I like it if I can draw lipstick on you. You are so FUNNY!

* Demented sadist looking for blindfold-kidnap-rape role play with a sycophant pussy bitch. Must like Will Ferrell movies.

* Parents of a good Muslim Pakistani girl in Ohio have raised their daughter in the Western fashion so that she has a sense of freedom and individuality. Now looking to arrange a marriage for her with a fifty-year-old doctor from Karachi. Call if you like her picture and we’ll let you know that she hasn’t run away.

* Aging rock star with recurring self esteem issues looking for mercenary blonde with big tits to give me false sense of ego. Handle bookings a plus. Don’t piss off the band like the last one.

* Postman seeking anybody. Just anybody. Please don’t make my love turn to vengeance. Call me now.

* One-time high school nerd looking to pick up divorced ex-cheerleader. I’ve been waiting to have you and now I will.

* Look, I’m a crazy psycho bitch. Total vagina dentata. With me, what you see is what you get. So if you’re a guy who’s comfortable with that, let’s start from there and see if we can work our way up to polite and maybe it won’t end like a train wreck the way it usually does.

* Marry me for the political asylum, but stay because you love me.

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