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The Return of ER Salo Deguierre

Posted in Music, tagged on December 13, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Well, maybe not the return. Maybe we’ll just bring him back from the dead briefly. Exhume him, if you will.

As many of you know, besides writing fiction and blogging and journalism-ing, I am the creator of some extremely rarefied lo-fi rock music catering to a highly selective, partisan audience. However, I haven’t put any new material up since 2007, mainly because I became distracted by “The Retributioners.” Also, our new apartment, filled as it is with older co-op owners, isn’t a conducive environment for making rock music at your kitchen table like my old apartment was. For that reason, and because I have never been very happy with my singing voice, I put my side project ER Salo Deguierre on hold.

However, while I’m still waiting for a good time to record a new batch of material, I recently dug up some old four-track recordings that I want to share on the site. I produced these when I was 26, a novice to four-track recording. It was also a period when I was writing extended suites of six to 10 minutes long, most of them instrumentals owing their sonic ideas to my heroes: Sonic Youth and The Velvet Underground. If you think I am a bad singer now, you can’t imagine how awful I was in 1996. So these particular recordings, while kind of rough, still benefit from that whole “Eric’s voice isn’t on it” quality.

There are three recordings I’m going to put up this week, and I’d love you to check them out. The first one is called “13 Moons.” If they are still too long and rough for your taste, then please go back and enjoy hits like “Cleopatra” and bring more of your partisan friends. I’d love to populate this world with at least 50 Salo Deguierre fans if I could.

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Counting Crows Evidently Still Together

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , on September 4, 2009| Leave a Comment »

George Gunderson was sitting in the park Thursday night reading a book by D.H. Lawrence when a few people started walking by, first five or six, then a dozen. At first he thought there might be some kind of auto accident that had happened, and he got up to look around, thinking somebody might need his help with CPR.

As it happened, the hubbub was in the middle of a nearby stadium where the rock band the Counting Crows was playing. Gunderson was shocked.

“I thought they broke up years ago,” he said.

Like many, Gunderson said he was slightly amused and entertained by the song “Mr. Jones,” when it was on the radio almost a generation ago. But he figured the blandly entertaining and ultimately forgettable song would be the last he or anyone else would ever hear of this middling, second string and mildly annoying band.

“Then, what do you know?” he says. “There they are, right in the middle of creation. They have their instruments out. And there was even a small group of people who had come to see them. At first, I even thought the phalanxes of girls passing by were cute. Not so much now, though now that I know where they’re going.”

Gunderson says he feels a bit like Rip Van Winkle.

“I mean, this is a real anachronism. I stopped listening to stuff like that a long time ago. It’s like finding a skinny tie from your trunk, and here you thought you’d thrown it away when you were 14.”

As the band ripped into its unrelievedly awful version of Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi,” Gunderson thought for a second he felt a twinge of nostalgia. But he quickly got over it.

“I don’t really have time for stuff like that,” he said. “I’m older. People have died. Life is short. Nostalgia is pretty much a waste of my time.

“That’s how I sort of figured everybody else was thinking, which is why I’m still not sure I’m really hearing the Counting Crows. I’m pretty sure this is a just a bad dream I’m having.”

Gunderson then asked a reporter to pinch him and make sure he wasn’t.

“No,” said Gunderson. “I guess I’m really here and that’s really the Counting Crows playing.”

Since the early ’90s or “whenever that song was big,” Gunderson says, he’s really grown into much more sophisticated kinds of music, whether it be classical or pop.

“There’s a lot more irony and less false earnestness in Prokofiev and Leonard Cohen. Hell… even in Snoop Doggy Dogg. There’s just so much more out there than the song you got drunk to at a bad office party in 1995.”

When told that Counting Crows had released a new album in 2008, Gunderson shook his head.

“Wow,” he said. “I couldn’t even imagine that as a Christmas gift. Not for my mother, not for my ex-girlfriend. Not for anybody. I’m just shocked … I mean, I guess the band members have to eat. Maybe that’s why they keep doing it. I just can’t think of any other reason. I sort of figured they’d saved up enough money that they could stop. Maybe for our sake if not for their own.”

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Misheard Lyrics

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2009| 1 Comment »

What are some of the lyrics often misheard on the radio?

Purple Haze
By Jimi Hendrix
Actual lyric: “Scuse me while I kiss the sky.”
Misheard: “Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”

The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight
by REM
Actual lyric: “Call me when you try to wake her up.”
Misheard: “Call me in Talladega”

Bohemian Rhapsody
by Queen
Actual lyrics: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.”
Misheard lyric: “The algebra, the devil and a side of beef”

Jumpin’ Jack Flash
By The Rolling Stones
Actual lyric, “I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled.”
Misheard Lyric: “I fell down on Herve Villechaize.”

Life in the Fast Lane
by The Eagles
Actual Lyric: “Life in the fast lane, surely make you lose your mind.”
Misheard Lyric: “Life in fat lane, surely make you lose your pie.”

Girls Just Want To Have Fun
By Cyndi Lauper
Actual lyric: “When the working day is done, girls just want to have fun.”
Misheard lyric: “At the end of the day, all girls just want to be lesbians.”

Relax
By Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Actual lyric: “Relax, don’t do it, when you want to come.”
Misheard Lyric: “Relax! Have a good time with your best buddy.”

Oops! I Did It Again
By Britney Spears
Actual lyric: “I’m not that innocent.”
Misheard lyric: “If you try to have sex with me, technically it’s statutory rape.”

Yesterday
By The Beatles
Actual lyric: “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.”
Misheard lyric: “Lead the black man to violent overthrow, Charlie! You, Charlie Manson, We’re talking to you!”

Get The Party Started
By Pink
Actual lyric: “I’m coming up so you better get this party started.”
Misheard lyric: “I have no accountability to anybody and you can all kiss my ass.”

Jesus Take The Wheel
By Carrie Underwood
Actual lyric: “Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can’t do this on my own.”
Misheard lyric: “The Democratic Party wants to kill your special needs baby.”

Beer For My Horses
By Toby Keith
Actual lyric: “You got to draw a hard line.”
Misheard lyric: “The Geneva Convention does not apply to enemy combatants.”

Clouds
By Joni Mitchell
Actual lyric: “I really don’t know clouds at all.”
Misheard lyric: “Obama is the anti-Christ.”

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The Extended Version of “The Rain” By Oran Juice Jones

Posted in Music, tagged , on August 16, 2009| Leave a Comment »

The Never Before Heard Extended Version of “The Rain”

By Oran “Juice” Jones

CHORUS:

I saw you (and him) walking in the rain
You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.

Tossing and turning another sleepless night
The rain crashes against my window pane
Jumped into my car didn’t drive too far
That moment I knew I would never be the same.

I saw you (and him) walking in the rain
You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.

Mix chorus and dialogue:

Singing:  (I saw you)
Hey hey baby how ya doin’ come on in here
(Walking in the rain)
I made you some coffee and some steak
A porterhouse and some wine. Wine thins the blood, you know
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
No, really, one or two glasses a day is considered healthy
By the American Medical Association. Really
(Never be the same)
Well I just wanted to tell you I missed you today
I missed you so much I followed you around town in my Honda Civic

(I saw you)
Now stop insulting my car. The point is I caught you
With that guy with the park. I’m so mad I can’t see straight 
(Walking in the rain)
But even worse is that I’m confused. It was raining. What in the hell were you doing Walking out in the rain in the first place? Don’t you know you
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Could have caught cold? Both of you. It was just irresponsible you know my first impulse was to punch the guy in the mouth, but my second impulse was to give you both some Dimetapp  Really, you could have gotten pneumonia. Stupid
(Never be the same)
I was going to just ream you out But I didn’t wanna mess up this new coat from Men’s Wearhouse So instead I decided that dessert is a meal best served cold.
I mean, what I mean to say is REVENGE is a dish best served cold.
I always get that mixed up. But anyway, what I meant to say is I just chilled.

(I saw you and him)
So I called up the bank and took out every dime. No, not just the checking
Also the savings. And the CDs. That’s right, even the 4.5% interest rate high yield flexible term CDs
(Walking in the rain)
Then I cancelled all your credit cards. Even the zero percent APR card
I know, it was a really great deal, but you were very irresponsible with it
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
I also picked up all your jewelery. Yes, even the past, present and future ring
And the princess cut ring and the designer gold earrings with the diadems
Those were nice and remarkably pure, though they had no resale value
(Never be the same)
I mean the thing about diamonds is that they really depreciate.
They’re just not an investment; the problem with diamonds
Is that the buyers command pricing always
So they never go up in value
Not something like a painting or a classic car

(I saw you)
And don’t go lookin’ in your closet because I’ve taken out those Manolo Blahniks
And your Jimmy Choos and your Miu-Mius
You may have gotten the last ones at a consignment store
(Walking in the rain)
So yeah, they were a little cheaper than at upscale retail, but they
Were still fairly expensive and I paid for them
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
At least $60, which isn’t cheap, not by everybody’s standards
Oh, sure I guess maybe on Rodeo Drive that’s cheap, but not in Atlanta,
Which I think is where you’re from
(Never be the same)

(I saw you—and him)
So all your stuff is in the guest room now
All that stuff I gave you: chiffon and crepe, pink diamonds
And that computer I put in your name. It had three years
(Walking in the rain)
Of free maintenance on it from Dell. And the battery was under
A year long warranty, and the customer service there is friendly.
Guess you’re not getting that anymore
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Also I took away your punch card from Hale & Hearty Soups
Yeah, you know what I’m saying. Your tenth soup isn’t free anymore, baby
Guess you’ll have to pay for that extra Mulligatawny stew
I hope it tastes good baby
(Never be the same)

But now I can’t give you nothing but advice.
Cause you’re still young, yeah, you’re young.
(I saw you—and him)
And you’re going to likely want to get
An adjustable rate mortgage
(Walking in the rain)
Well that’s just a piss-poor idea on its face because
The rates tick up with interest and you just have no control over that
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
The best thing is, if you think you’re going to stay in the house for a long time
Get a fixed rate mortgage
(Never be the same)

 

And you’re gonna find somebody like me one of these days
And you’re probably going to want to get married
 
(I saw you)
But first you want to make sure that you have similar goals and values
Not like that guy I saw you with today. He really seemed like kind of a douche
(Walking in the rain)
Make sure instead that he listens and he’s attentive
And try not to focus on what he buys for you
In fact, if he buys you all this stuff like I did
It probably just means he has a problem expressing love
In more meaningful ways
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
He’s probably making up for having a distant father or a controlling mother
You’re probably better off with someone you just like to do little things with
Like flying a kite or going to the movies
(Never be the same)
Somebody who’s not going to just throw money at problems like I do
Until then … well, I could go on, but until then
You dismissed!
Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids!
Yeah, sorry, I just added that. We never really did have much to talk about, did we?



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I Sure Wish I Had A John Hughes Film To Get Me Through John Hughes’ Death

Posted in Film & TV, Life, Music, tagged , , , on August 9, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Like a lot of you Gen Xers, I have been feeling down since hearing the horrible news Thursday about the death of John Hughes, the creator of the “Acne Film” genre, the man who brought the Brat Pack into national consciousness and made America laugh at our growing pains. That may sound like a brief list of accomplishments, but of course, it doesn’t quite sum up the man’s enormous influence.

Because John Hughes was not just a jokesmith in such great classic ’80s films as “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” “The Breakfast Club,” and “Sixteen Candles.” He was more than that. He offered us a mirror on our teen lives. He not only accurately portrayed our pain with humor, he made us aware of how we were all simply playing parts in our own teen drama, and thus helped us transcend it. He did so with a keen eye for sexual mores, class divisions and pastels.

So, oh how I wish I had John Hughes here now to get me through my sadness. How I wish I could go through this melancholy with a Duckie or a Farmer Ted or a Jake or Watts or Amanda Jones. Or get a warm, loving talk from a portly, single, self-righteous and perhaps half-drunk working-class Dad. How I wish I could commiserate with a former high school cheerleader, and that we could cry together until, I don’t know—maybe she started kissing me and took her shirt off. How I wish I could be comforted by a wise member of building maintenance.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a John Hughes movie—perhaps one called “Dad’s Dead, Now What?”—to help us go through the steps of mourning in a humorous and thoughtful way?

Of course it would be full of stock characters, like adolescent cousin Joey, who has 80 facial piercings and offers us many seemingly cruel wisecracks about death—because in doing so he somehow helps us reflect on the inevitability of our own demise.

Or wouldn’t it be great to have jocky straight-laced older brother Aaron there to be judgmental about the rest of us and act like a total douchebag at just the wrong moments?

Wouldn’t it be great if Grandma Leslie showed up and threatened a lawsuit over some 40-year-old debt for a student loan she never got paid back? Wouldn’t it be great if one sister resented another sister for crying too loud at the funeral and making a big show of it? Wouldn’t it be great to have a Vietnamese foster child there named Flik Mai Bic?

Or wouldn’t it be great if distraught, aging uncle Ernie brought a whore to the funeral? I’m pretty sure that Kelly LeBrock is available for that.

Or perhaps one of the younger siblings could use his grief to get a high school cheerleader into bed. If only John Hughes were here, he could tell us: Worse things have been done by people at funerals.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a John Hughes movie unless we added a song by Oingo Boingo, destroyed a very expensive car and threw a high school principal out a window.

It could be a tragedy or a comedy. Or both. Life is like that.

Yes, there was pretty much no other way for a lot of us to get through adolescence, young adulthood and then parenthood without the guiding hand of Mr. Hughes. This is the greatest tragedy of his death. He taught us how to get along, but not how to get along without him.

Now we go off on our own, as awkward as new hatchlings, stumbling about in a world we will have to function within according to our own desires, flaws, idiosyncrasies, defense mechanisms and projections. At least I’ll know what to do when Oingo Boingo starts playing: I will dance.

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Song From Avenue Q Confuses Kansas Karaoke Bar

Posted in Comedy, Entertainment, Music, Theater, tagged , , , , , , on August 4, 2009| 3 Comments »

Topeka, Kansas (API) Karaoke night was almost ruined Friday as two revelers in the local karaoke bar The Rubber Hose chose a song from Broadway musical “Avenue Q” for the night’s 11th number, a choice that sent many of the bar’s patron’s into befuddlement, grousing and ultimately acts of violence.

The two singers, Liz Miller and Melissa Snow, chose the song from the hit Broadway parody of Sesame Street because they had seen it on a recent trip to New York, but the number nearly brought the festivities to a screeching halt when several of the flummoxed patrons stood dead silent.

“I don’t know what those girls were singing,” said Ross McAdams, a middle manager at a nearby natural gas refining plant. “I was just coming off feeling real good about my “Hotel California” vocal and then these two girls come up with this shit.”

What made it worse, said local tax attorney Florence Halberstadt, is that the two girls picked a song called “Schadenfreude,” a word many of the patrons were unfamiliar with.

“I just don’t get what those two girls are singing,” said Halberstadt. “I came here to have fun. If I knew this was going to turn into some German song night I would have stayed home.”

“I don’t get it,” said Ed Chalmers, a plumber. “Are those two making fun of us?”

The crowd became increasingly pouty and dejected as the lyrics scrolled across the screen. Even though the song offers much helpful explication of the word “Schaudenfreude,” mainly through humorous contexts, the wit was largely lost on the crowd, many of whom turned angry and sour.

“It’s my birthday,” said Holly Knoxall, a local gym teacher. “It’s totally ruined now, all because a couple of no-goodniks think they’re better than we are.”

A winner of several Tony Awards, Avenue Q uses parodies of several Sesame Street characters to address mature themes like adult sexuality, racism and intolerance, mostly by having its characters espouse extreme viewpoints at odds with those of the artist’s true feelings.

“Specifically it’s called ‘irony,’” Liz Miller said to the crowd. “Get a clue, jerk-offs!”

But yet again, tackling of subject matter by having a character embrace the very viewpoint being satirized was something poorly understood by the crowd, many of whom were drinking Rolling Rock and smoking Camels and singing mostly songs by the Beach Boys, the Eagles and U2 and many of whom showed they were in absolutely no mood to be made to feel inferior.

“These two little ho bags are pissing me off,” said Harold Osprey, who ended the night yelling at his girlfriend and telling her, “Get in the car, bitch. If I stay, somebody’s going to get hurt.”

Having almost ended one of the song’s signature lines, “Fuck you lady, that’s what stairs are for,” Miller and Snow hoped the song might finally inspire a few belly laughs, but by that point, several of the patrons had started pushing each other at the bar and were no longer in any mood to laugh. Instead, it seemed blood sport would be the night’s game, and as the lone karaoke machine played “Schadenfreude, making the world a better place …” the atmosphere in the bar finally descended into shouts, flying beer bottles and fire.

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What Does Your MP3 Shuffle Say About You?

Posted in Music on July 27, 2009| Leave a Comment »

What are some of the things we can tell about a person’s psychological makeup from their iPod or other portable media player?

–*If you still have three early Britney Spears hits, including “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” next to an ever-growing selection from The Circle Jerks, this suggests that part of you is holding onto childhood even as the cold hard slap of adult reality is causing you much anguish and bitterness.

–*Your huge collection of Frank Zappa songs suggests that you are an iconoclast with an independent streak and confidence. You are not a joiner, and prefer to problem solve rather than to work in groups. However, you also have a lot of hits by Queen, which all together suggests that you also have fascist tendencies and that you’d probably turn into Hitler in the right circumstances.

–*You have “Tom Dooley” by the Kingston Trio on your player, which means either that your dad has commandeered your player or you’re simply turning into him.

–*You have a lot of Stravinsky and Prokofiev—but also exactly four Good Charlotte songs, which means that you are a lawyer infatuated with somebody 10 years younger than you are.

–*You eschew all the early ABBA hits, but enjoy more bittersweet later efforts like “The Winner Takes It All,” which shows that you are world-weary but still searching. Also, you’re on the Subway diet.

–*Your player is loaded with nothing but Top 40 hits by Beyonce, Chris Daughtry, Katy Perry and Pink. You love to laugh and enjoy the moments of your life. You reject a life of needless complications. You enjoy people and their differences and don’t apologize for yourself. Also, there is a very good chance you are 13 years old.

–*Your voluminous collection of Snoop Doggy Dogg songs next to your collection of all the music from hit Broadway musical “Hair” suggests that, at age 60, you’re still not coping with motherhood very well.

–*You have a lot of country songs in French, which can mean only one thing: you’re from Canada.

–*Your player has a substantial amount of music from Joy Division, Nirvana, AC/DC, Nick Drake, Elliott Smith, Phil Ochs, Darby Crash and Wendy O. Williams. You are the fifth child in a family from Utah.

–*Your love of telegenic New Wave band Duran Duran is undiminished after 25 years, and you have all their songs on your MP3 player. When speaking with people, you can’t hear “V’s” or “F’s,” and high-pitched sounds tend to get lost.

–*You have every song Neil Young ever recorded on your iPod. You are stalking Neil Young.

–*Your inclusion of NWA’s “Fuck Tha Police,” shows your resistance to authority figures and your rebellious streak. It is likely you have this on your iPod if you are 1) a repressed black teenager unable to express your pent up rage; 2) a frustrated, hormonal rich white kid unable to express your pent up rage; 3) a police officer with an asshole sergeant unable to express your pent up rage; 4) a lawyer infatuated with someone 10 years younger than you are.

–*If you have lots of Blue Oyster Cult, the Doobie Brothers, Steppenwolf and Jimi Hendrix on your player, there must be some mistake. You only listen to music on vinyl, and the only reason you’re here is that you stole somebody’s iPod after killing him in a bad crystal meth deal.

–*If your shuffle comes up with Britney Spears, the Doobie Brothers, the Beatles, Blue Oyster Cult, the Velvet Underground, Prokofiev, Sonic Youth, Buddy Holly, NWA, Hank Williams, Robert Johnson and the Bee Gees, then you like music too much. You spend all your time thinking about it to the detriment of other activities and interests. You are hip to the point of being solipsistic. Who in the hell do you think you are?

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Investigators Find Rock Music Tainted by Performance-Enhancing Drugs

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted December 14, 2007)

Cleveland (AP) — In a stunning announcement today, Bud McDowell, education director of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, said new investigations into rock music have revealed that famous musicians have used performance enhancing drugs in the creation of thousands of beloved songs and that such abuse has gone on throughout the last 50 years while rock’s promoters, managers, producers and commercial sponsors did little to check its pernicious influence.

“This represents a cataclysmic, collective failure of those in the music business to clean up the music and keep it the harmless entertainment we all enjoy,” he said of the rock music inquiries, which are similar to those in Major League Baseball. “I can honestly say that this report casts a pall on the music and makes all of the feelings and sensations it causes suspect.”

Among those named in the report are such luminaries as the Beatles, Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, The Doors, James Taylor, and the Mamas and the Papas, among many, many others.

Armed with 200,000 pages of evidence — including government documents, warrants, canceled checks, telephone records, photographs, 8mm film and video recordings, e-mails, signed confessions by the stars themselves, willing confessions by the stars themselves, explicit boasts to the media by the stars themselves, biographies and numerous autopsy reports naming drugs as the cause of multiple rock star deaths — McDowell has built up an almost irrefutable case.

“I just don’t know what to say,” said Des Moines housewife Molly Gooch. “‘Strawberry Fields’ is one of my favorite songs, but to think that it was made under the influence of anything other than good-old-fashioned human inspiration, well I don’t know how I could ever really enjoy it again.”

Among the drugs suspected in the Hall of Fame report to have been used in the creation of some of America’s most loved songs are hash, cannabis, peyote, psilocybin, amanita muscaria fly agaric, lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD), morphine, fentanyl, tweak, meth, nose candy, bennies, tuinals, dexies, white crosses, red devils, Doriden, smack, Paris 400s, ludes, snow, crack, crank, downers, dolls …

Black beauties, dummy dust, Hillbilly Heroin oxycodone, MDMA, Rohypnol, goofballs, GHB, Easy Lay, Special K, Vesperax, valium, Surgical Nubain, wack, tears of the poppy, rainbows, yellows, X, speed and sticky icky.

As a result of the findings, rock’s gatekeepers and regulators have cautioned that it may be necessary to re-examine and perhaps dismiss many of the ideas and experiences fomented by the drug-polluted music.

“Now that we know such classics as “Visions of Johanna” and “Good Vibrations” were written under that same scourge that waylaid the Lotus-eaters,” said McDowell, “it is sad, but inevitable, that we can no longer be entertained by them, conceived as they were in a surreal idiom that rational man finds repugnant and anathema to his higher functions of mind and being.”

“I once cheered as Barry Bonds hit a record number of career homers and as Jimi played the guitar strings with his teeth on ‘Little Wing,'” said McDowell. “But come on. Showing rare human athletic ability and raising consciousness to a new level of spiritual and cosmic awareness is no good if you cheated.”

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The Heroin Diaries, Sort Of

Posted in Music, tagged , , , , , on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, October 09, 2007)

Everybody’s talking about the new book from Motley Crue bassist and songwriter Nikki Sixx, “The Heroin Diaries: A Year In the Life of a Shattered Rock Star.” This compellling book offers up many shocking revelations and profound insights. Here are some samples of his crazy life:

” … 2:14 p.m. Los Angeles. I wake up with my head in a jack-o-lantern and both my fists lodged into quick-drying cement. My pants are down. Is this heaven or hell? … ”

” … 8:27 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time. Egypt. I feel nothing but see Tommy performing sternum massage on me while a half dozen models are screaming. In the corner are a paper lantern and a Shmoo singing “Pack Up Your Troubles.” How did I go so far off the rails? … ”

“…6 a.m. strung out in Alaska. The sun hasn’t set in a month. In my right hand is a dead seal and in my left is a can of Clorox. How did things go so wrong?…”

” …8:30 p.m. How did the ice get up there?…”

” … 10 p.m. Fisherman’s Wharf. I pulled my lobster cage out of the bay, but there’s nothing in it but bottom-feeders. How true that is…”

“… 7:56 p.m. Ottawa. Axl Rose has me in a head lock between the buttocks and lets out an explosive fart. We’re on the inside track to nowhere man…”

” … 6:32 a.m. Frankfort. This is a stinky shit life. I don’t know how to live, only how to die. Hmmmm… White Castle’s open … ”

” … 7:00 p.m. Los Angeles. I ask the doctor for methadone. He replies: “I can’t give you methadone, I’m a veterinarian.” I am one with insanity ….”

” … 5:15 p.m. Okinawa. Even in the Far East, my friends have left me. Godzilla was a pretty good movie. …”

” … 6:47 p.m. Santiago, Chile. That housekeeper is a narc. Jean-Claude and I lie out in the sun and listen to The Rolling Stones. Wait a minute … who is Jean-Claude?…..”

” … 7:16 p.m. Oshkosh, Wisconsin. I was riding my motorcycle with no clothes on and … oh shit, that’s going to burn tomorrow…”

” … 8:20 p.m. Tulsa. All my friends are dead. What is that smell? …”

” … 8:15 p.m. Idaho. I only know a town by its women. I dreamt I was makin’ it with Marilyn Monroe. But it was just some Goth chick, and I think she gave me a case of galloping knob rot. The sunrise knows I am no good …”
” … 9:21 a.m. I’m a spoiled millionaire little boy rock star shit who’s hit the tubes. Thank God my girlfriend’s a Playmate, otherwise I’d have no perspective. …”

“… 9:56 p.m. ah man, feces again….”

” … 8:18 a.m. Piedmont. Bitch took my gun…”

” … 10:59 a.m. My accountant wants me to invest in commodities …”

” … 8:29 p.m. Quebec. I was licking a Fentanyl lollipop I stole from a cancer patient and saw the most beautiful fairy singing the most beautiful song ever in my head saying, “here I give this to you to share with the world, Nikki” … then my respiratory system shut down and it was gone forever. Wait a minute, is it Tuesday?…..”

” … 10:12 a.m. Wallachia-Transylvania. I picked up a stripper on my motorcycle and brought her back to my pad. … I don’t know how we got to this part where I’m in a grave and she’s throwing dirt on my face. I hope kids read this and learn something from me someday…”

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