Beauty is Imperfection

What are some of the things we can tell about a person’s psychological makeup from their iPod or other portable media player?

–*If you still have three early Britney Spears hits, including “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” next to an ever-growing selection from The Circle Jerks, this suggests that part of you is holding onto childhood even as the cold hard slap of adult reality is causing you much anguish and bitterness.

–*Your huge collection of Frank Zappa songs suggests that you are an iconoclast with an independent streak and confidence. You are not a joiner, and prefer to problem solve rather than to work in groups. However, you also have a lot of hits by Queen, which all together suggests that you also have fascist tendencies and that you’d probably turn into Hitler in the right circumstances.

–*You have “Tom Dooley” by the Kingston Trio on your player, which means either that your dad has commandeered your player or you’re simply turning into him.

–*You have a lot of Stravinsky and Prokofiev—but also exactly four Good Charlotte songs, which means that you are a lawyer infatuated with somebody 10 years younger than you are.

–*You eschew all the early ABBA hits, but enjoy more bittersweet later efforts like “The Winner Takes It All,” which shows that you are world-weary but still searching. Also, you’re on the Subway diet.

–*Your player is loaded with nothing but Top 40 hits by Beyonce, Chris Daughtry, Katy Perry and Pink. You love to laugh and enjoy the moments of your life. You reject a life of needless complications. You enjoy people and their differences and don’t apologize for yourself. Also, there is a very good chance you are 13 years old.

–*Your voluminous collection of Snoop Doggy Dogg songs next to your collection of all the music from hit Broadway musical “Hair” suggests that, at age 60, you’re still not coping with motherhood very well.

–*You have a lot of country songs in French, which can mean only one thing: you’re from Canada.

–*Your player has a substantial amount of music from Joy Division, Nirvana, AC/DC, Nick Drake, Elliott Smith, Phil Ochs, Darby Crash and Wendy O. Williams. You are the fifth child in a family from Utah.

–*Your love of telegenic New Wave band Duran Duran is undiminished after 25 years, and you have all their songs on your MP3 player. When speaking with people, you can’t hear “V’s” or “F’s,” and high-pitched sounds tend to get lost.

–*You have every song Neil Young ever recorded on your iPod. You are stalking Neil Young.

–*Your inclusion of NWA’s “Fuck Tha Police,” shows your resistance to authority figures and your rebellious streak. It is likely you have this on your iPod if you are 1) a repressed black teenager unable to express your pent up rage; 2) a frustrated, hormonal rich white kid unable to express your pent up rage; 3) a police officer with an asshole sergeant unable to express your pent up rage; 4) a lawyer infatuated with someone 10 years younger than you are.

–*If you have lots of Blue Oyster Cult, the Doobie Brothers, Steppenwolf and Jimi Hendrix on your player, there must be some mistake. You only listen to music on vinyl, and the only reason you’re here is that you stole somebody’s iPod after killing him in a bad crystal meth deal.

–*If your shuffle comes up with Britney Spears, the Doobie Brothers, the Beatles, Blue Oyster Cult, the Velvet Underground, Prokofiev, Sonic Youth, Buddy Holly, NWA, Hank Williams, Robert Johnson and the Bee Gees, then you like music too much. You spend all your time thinking about it to the detriment of other activities and interests. You are hip to the point of being solipsistic. Who in the hell do you think you are?