Beauty is Imperfection

What are some of the spring 2010 trends currently popping up during New York’s Fashion Week?

–*Sharp-shouldered silhouettes are in vogue, replacing last year’s ultra-hot potato sacks

–*This year’s party dresses are vibrant and should have the blood of a freshly killed animal on them.

–*Last year, wide belts made you look like a genius. This year they make you look like a retard.

–*Metallic zippers on black fabric make a bold statement, even more so if it is Vera Wang’s patented “cootchie zipper.”

–*Laser cut patterns are in, and according to your taste, can make you look like you’ve just fallen out of a either a sausage grinder or a paper shredder

–*Last year’s ruffles recalled exotic sea creatures. This year’s ruffles should recall bottom-feeding arthropods.

–*This year has seen the return of beige–the kind of beige you see painted on the wall of immigration offices

–*Last year was butterfly appliqués on tulle. This year it’s mosquitoes trapped in wire mesh.

–*This year’s couture dresses will look stupid if you’re not constantly puckering.

–*You will always get attention by hanging on to that blue dress covered with semen.

–*This year’s broader shoulders demand that you accessorize with a statement necklace, a garnet brooch or a syringe full of hydrocortisone.

–*Three words: Orthopedic kitten heels.

–*A mix of beige, olive drab and natural dun and taupe colors will protect you when you are being shot at by enemy combatants in Central Asia.

–*”Harem pants” is a great way to not have to say “mom jeans.”

–*Cinch your waistline with a giant bow, and if that doesn’t feel silly enough, wrap yourself in fishing tackle festooned with live bait

–*Be sure to wear tiny, tiny micro stripes if the impression you want to make is to give somebody an epileptic fit.

–*Be sure to wear Christmas lights in your hair if you want to look like somebody’s mother.

–*This year’s bandeau top will look all the more impressive if you’re also carrying an Uzi or a 9 mm Glock.

–*There’s no need to have a clutch with a sequined dress, because sooner or later, you’ll fool some idiot into buying the drinks for you.

–*Be bold and show off your unyielding dedication to metal gussets by eating them.