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Archive for September 18th, 2009

Washington, D.C. (API) Shelly McAdams, a 9/12 protester from Barnwell, South Carolina, was marching along with thousands of others last Friday to rally against what she saw as the overreach of federal government when suddenly a reporter asked her a question that made her blood boil.

“Don’t go there,” she said to a reporter who asked her if the health care legislation currently in the Congress might bring affordable health insurance to millions of Americans. “I was a nurse for 20 years. I had people puking on me. There was blood and vomit and brain and skull and kneecaps all over the place. Don’t even start talking about that.”

McAdams had come exhorted by Glenn Beck to fight the creeping threat of fascism and socialism and communism. When told that many of those political philosophies were incompatible and stemmed from different schools of economic and social thought, she raised a big index finger in the air covered with acrylic nail polish.

“Now you just stop right there,” she said, as her nostrils briskly dilated and the hair on her ears stood up, “You don’t want to bring up that stuff with me because my step-daughter came from Korea and she ate out of trash cans. You can’t even say the word communism to me because I might start spitting blood right now if you ever remotely decide to go there. That is an off-limits topic for me because I know first hand that pain she felt when she told me about it second hand.”

McAdams, who was holding a sign up that said, “Sean Hannetie [sic] for president,” was then asked if other government actions by the previous administration, like the invasion of Iraq, codified approval of torture and illegal wiretapping, might have merited more of a protest than a simple change in health care policy.

“Now you just wait one minute!” McAdams said, a yellow-purple phlebitis jumping around from her neck to her face. “I don’t know if you know who you’re speaking to, but my grandfather was on the beaches of Normandy and he fought for this country. So I hope I’m just deaf and you didn’t even dare bring up something army related. If I thought for a minute you were putting down my grandpappy’s service on that sandy hell-hole, making the ultimate sacrifice for those Frenchies, well I’d be so angry that I might start sneezing pink-colored phlegm through my eye sockets!”

McAdams went on a stammering tirade about several other things having to do with taking her country back and bailouts and Ted Kennedy.

“Oh boy, you do not want to talk to me about Ted Kennedy. My second cousin Maybell drowned in 1962. I take that very personal that Chappaquiddick business. If you even bring that up, it’s like you’re hitting me in the genitals with a shovel and I’ll have no choice but to fight back.”

McAdams was also wearing a shirt that said, “We want a Christian president, not a Muslim.”

When asked whether she thought the libertarian message of Beck was possibly at odds with the demand for a Christian president, McAdams’ eyes rolled back in her head, and a sap-colored fluid started to come out of her ears.

“You did not just attack the Baby Jesus I hope. Don’t deny you did it. Oh my God … if you were even for two seconds to go near the topic of the Baby Jesus, well I’d be fully justified in pulling out a gun because that’s just a personal, off-limits topic. I’d be so angry that I’d go blind and a little alien creature might just start coming out of my stomach with sharp teeth and that creature would eat all of you alive.”

When asked if her grandchild was enjoying the nice weather, McAdams dropped down on all fours and said,

“That’s it. You elite liberal media types have gone too far when you bring my special needs baby into this. Oh my God I’m having a stroke or an aneurysm. I swallo ma ton….floffle floflle bizzle bozzle mum mum mum mum…..”

When asked if maybe she was not understanding the true nature of the debate she was having or what exactly she was protesting, McAdams jumped down in the mud and began rolling and whining and kicking with her 12-year-old dachshund Joe.

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