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Archive for September 13th, 2009

–*Subtitles in English, French, Apache, Kurdish and Kanji Japanese.

–*Commentaries explaining the plot of such films as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Star Wars and Beethoven’s 2nd if you’re not following them.

–*Director’s Cuts

–*Studio Edit

–*Your Mom’s Edit

–*A special “Edit Your Own Fucking Version of Apocalypse Now” feature

–*Slow-motion “Quaalude Vision”

–*Fast-motion “Dexie Vision”

–*Fractured, Blinking “Epilepsy Mode”

–*Go Straight to “The Sorrow and the Pity” Button

–*Special “communist” filters tell you when characters are acting according to selfish bourgeois interests by seeking success, falling in love or driving a car.

–*Subtitles with a bouncing ball

–*Subtitles with the bouncing head of Herve Villechaize

–*Subtitles all disordered in special “Charlie Manson Vision.”

–*A feature that adds Amish muttonchops and hats to every male character.

–*A feature that automatically removes actress Rebecca Pidgeon

–*Face eating snakes coming out of the television

–*A special blank screen called “Get-Out-Of-The-House-And-Make-Something-Of-Your-Life Vision”

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