Beauty is Imperfection

Top Ten Rules For Being An Entertainment Journalist

1. Don’t ever ask Lou Reed simple yes and no questions. He will only answer yes or no, and then after five minutes he’ll start calling you an asshole, and then he’ll call your editors and tell them that you’re an asshole.
2. Don’t ask Lindsay Lohan about her drunk driving arrest right off the bat. Before that, ask what it’s like to work with Meryl Streep while you’re on crank.
3. Take off your shirt when interviewing Paris Hilton. She thinks it’s really hot.
4. Don’t be tempted by Courtney Love’s efforts to establish intimacy with you by sharing her drugs or inviting you into her bathtub. She’s just making you her bitch.
5. Your interview with Lily Allen isn’t over until the cheeky Brit-pop star has punched you in the face.
6. It’s OK, don’t freak out! But the liquid in that white cup rocker Pete Doherty gave you might blind you for three hours.
7. Try not to let Angelina Jolie hijack the interview by talking on and on about the genocide in Darfur, because subjects like that are not the reason you got into journalism.
8. Be prepared to answer to the names Cameron Diaz calls you: “Sub,” “Maggot,” and “Little toe fucker.”
9. Always try to get your interview subjects to comment on the hot topics of the day: Anna Nicole’s death, Paris Hilton’s jail term, and mathematician Grisha Perelman’s proof of the Poincare conjecture relating to the topology of three-dimensional manifolds.
10. Remember, the ultimate goal is to have the celebrity lash out at you like an animal in a cage, meaning any creative solution to this goal, from pinching them to throwing acid at their faces, is all totally cricket.

(Originally posted July 24, 2007)