Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, October 11, 2007)

The mayor of Atlantic City recently relinquished his post after going missing for two weeks amid charges he embellished his military record. The city has been plagued by many other scandals involving city officials in the recent past, including allegations of graft and extortion. Locals call it a national embarrassment.

Here is a list of ways that city officials have said they hope to clean up Atlantic City and make it a safer and more fun place.

10. Offering $10,000 TIPS hotline reward for anyone who catches sight of a naked city councilman running free.

9. Creating an evacuation route in case of hurricanes or a riot preceded by the absconding of local leadership.

8. Offering a pamphlet explaining how, in case of emergency, to stockpile boiled water, flashlights, batteries, and several pounds of Trump Steaks.

7. Offering a pamphlet to all visitors reminding them that if they bet seven ways on the slot game “Betty Boop,” they increase their chances to win.

6. Offering a free night at the Borgata Spa for any visitor on the boardwalk who is hit by a car driven by an inebriated city official.

5. Repealing certain short-sighted health ordinances so that we can once again reclaim our city motto: “Smoke Any Damn Place You Please.”

4. Promising to crack down on unnecessary and dubious-sounding nicknames among local government officials such as “Lefty,” “Speedy,” and “Gummo.”

3. Offering a raffle for guest spots on “The Apprentice” or on HBO’s “Atlantic City Hookers: It Ain’t E-Z Bein’ A Ho.”

2. Reassuring all of New York City’s old women and Asians that Atlantic City is still a safe place to come and lose all their savings.

1. Just admitting to ourselves: Who cares what we do? You’re coming anyway.