(Originally posted Thursday, October 30, 2008 )
What Weird Super Hero Titles Are Coming Out?
Superman: Dark Legacy
Batman: The Cryptic Knight
Spider-Man: Breath of Shadows
The Hulk: Can of Cream Corn
Iron Man: The Little Milk Squirting Steely Dan
The Thing: The Void of Follicles
Plasticman: Spell Checker
Aquaman: Waves of Mildly Recurring Dysthymia
Thor: Seasonal Affect Disorder
Captain America: Shadow of Neurodegenerative Disease with Demyelination
The Fantastic Four: Group Grope
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(Originally posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 )
Nashville, Tenn. (AP) The two white supremacists accused of plotting to assassinate presidential candidate Barack Obama were extremely disorganized, and so dumb it is a surprise they were drawing air, say federal law enforcement agents close to the case. What’s more, their scheme suffered from ill-conceived theatrics including half-baked costumes, an incompetent execution strategy with no follow-through, poor planning and what police say was a “really half-assed” political message.
“I’ve got to tell you, in all my years, I have yet to see a more atrocious and frankly stupid duo,” said a federal agent who asked not to be named. “I used to think the movie Dumb and Dumber was really far-fetched. My skin is really crawling at how stupid these two were. It makes me cold.”
Among the other things the suspects Paul Schlesselman and Dan Cowert had allegedly planned was to carry out their dastardly deed dressed top to bottom in tuxedos and top hats.
“All I can say is, ‘concept overload,'” said local theater director Wayne Smitty.
“I don’t know about you, but the frog in the Warner Brothers cartoons trying to assassinate somebody comes to mind,” said an FBI source. “It’s just too surreal.”
Another big mistake, say authorities, was for the alleged plotters to “draw Swastikas on the side of their car and brag to all their friends ‘We’re going to kill Barack Obama and 88 other black people.’ Maybe they realize now that was a stupid move.”
“I’m no scientist,” said Travis Country Sheriff Buck Donohue. “But most master criminals might tell you it’s wiser to be a little bit circumspect if you’re going to plot a big crime. Telling everybody you’re going to do it beforehand when you’re all out at Pizza Hut is pretty ass-backward. That’s rule No. 1.”
Among other problems, the conspirators were extremely disorganized. The plot several times broke up because the two men failed in practice robberies-one in which a dog scared them away.
“They can’t even outwit a dog,” said Dr. Stephen Hawking. “This is a big step back for all of us.”
“There’s a saying we have in business,” said Marvin Pietre, a group leader at IBM, “Prior planning prevents poor performance. Frankly, though, I think that kind of reasoning would be lost on these two, the kind of guys who would bite their own hands off to get out of a bear trap.”
Scientists agree that something was terribly wrong with the two plotters.
“The human brain has been expanding over millions of years and now takes up one-fifth of the energy of the entire human body,” said evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. “I have nothing to say about these two people.”
Schlesselman, who dropped out of high school, was often known to go into chat rooms and write, “Me and my friends are ‘racist’s.'”
“He doesn’t even know how to properly use an apostrophe,” said local high school English teacher Beth McGreedy. “I mean, is it really likely he was going to be able to map out Obama’s campaign routes? We’re not talking about a sophisticated international group like in Die Hard here.”
McGreedy agreed with Hawking.
“I’ve been sitting up all night trying to think like a stupid person and for the life of me I can’t figure out where the tuxedos came in. Just trying to crawl into these two criminals’ minds for two minutes has left me feeling cold and alienated from other human beings.”
“This is probably the greatest hope we have that maybe the people in this country who are so consumed with evil and hatred might also be thwarted by their own mind-boggling stupidity,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We’ll just have to cross our fingers.”
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(Originally posted Tuesday, October 28, 2008 )
Stephanie and I have just released “Retributioners Episode 10: Bear Therapy.” In this episode, Stephanie confronts a man who cheated on a history test when they went to school together and beat her out for a scholarship.
Remember, you can watch us now on the home page of The Axis of Comedy.TV and also catch us on other major video sites.
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(Originally posted Sunday, October 26, 2008 )
San Francisco (API) — The onset of gay marriage in the United States has ruined the lives of straight people, say an overwhelming majority of struggling and rageful heterosexual married couples.
Since the legalization of gay marriage in states like California, Connecticut and Massachusetts, 95% of heterosexual couples say that they can no longer enjoy their married lives at all and are feeling despondent and depressed over it. Sixty-seven percent say food doesn’t taste as good; 55% say they no longer relate to their spouse; 23% no longer perceive different colors; 10% said they can’t touch animals or certain kinds of synthetic fabric; and an overwhelming 98% say that they no longer enjoy the act of sexual intercourse.
“Gay marriage has just ruined everything,” said Wayne Betancourt of Franklin, Mississippi. “I feel like we’re all just walking around in a state of waking death at my house. And I know my neighbors feel the same way. Marriage used to be sitting down to dinner with my wife and talking about our day. Now evidently it’s supposed to be some kind of trannie Wigstock Festival listening to Kylie Minogue. I’m just shattered.”
“The other night my husband was making love to me,” said Rachel Haddingfield. “And just as he was about to reach orgasm, he stopped and said, ‘I don’t know why I bother Rachel. I mean, in today’s gay world, I might as well be cornholing you instead.’ I knew that was the beginning of the end. We’re barely speaking now.”
Since gay marriages were first made legal in San Francisco several years ago, heterosexual couples claim that their interpersonal domestic lives have been directly impacted, marked by strained communication, emotional outbursts, food phobia, psoriasis, mange and worst of all, passive-aggressive behavior such as an unwillingness to speak or take out the garbage and pay bills.
“This is only a guess, but I’d say we’ve lost about $4 trillion in productivity because of this,” said gas station attendant Lance Bangs.
Since the Supreme Court a few years ago found what many scholars say is an implicit right of gays to marry, most heterosexuals say that their belief in the legitimacy of their own marriages has now been irretrievably shaken. The divorce rate among them is now 50%.
“Can you imagine?” says John McManus of the Pew research institute. “Fifty percent! That’s half of American married people whose lives have been ruined. All by a certain group of people, I won’t say which, who want to turn a Christian institution into La Cage aux Folles.”
“My son tried to commit suicide last week,” said Foster Harrigan, a truck driver in Olympia, Washington. He refused to elaborate.
Among the traumatic feelings heterosexuals have felt since the first reports of legal gay marriage are less attraction to their spouses; worries that they themselves or their children might be gay; an unsettled feeling that all marriage is no longer valid and their relationships are thus likely to dissolve in confusion; post-coital depression; post-nasal drip; bleeding ulcers; wild swings in the stock market; and wild anxiety about a new age of violent, gay frontier justice.
“I hope the gays are happy,” said Wayne Rangel, a postal employee from Osh Kosh, Wisconsin. “They are selfish, selfish people and now their selfishness has penetrated the most intimate, sacred areas of my life. I just can’t look at my wife the same way knowing that our well-founded, healthy red-blooded heterosexual love has been turned into a mockery, a joke and a sham. Evidently now, according to the U.S. Constitution I can’t be married now unless I’m willing to be fisted by a male stranger in a Berlin bathroom stall. Am I supposed to kneel somewhere? How does this work?”
Many voiced concern that with the likely surge in gay ceremonies being performed, they won’t even know how to be married anymore.
“I mean, when I come home, do I ask my wife for a foot rub and have a romantic dinner or am I supposed to dress up like Dorothy, lube up with KY and watch Melrose Place?” asked Glenn Davis from upstate California. “I mean, we’re sitting at home now looking at each other like we’ve completely lost the script. It’s just dead silence for hours. Is it me? Am I going crazy?”
“These are our lives!” insisted kindergarten teacher Grace McCutcheon of Terre Haute, Indiana. “Marriage is a sacred Christian institution. It’s not an episode of Wonder Woman. I don’t think the gays understand that.”
Posted in Politics, Relationships, Society, Uncategorized | Tagged California, gay marriage, KY, marriage, Proposition 8, San Francisco, Supreme Court | Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Sunday, October 26, 2008 )
–*The Boy Who Twittered Wolf. A heart-warming tale about a boy who kept asking on his Twitter, “When are the Jonas Brothers coming to town?” only to find that nobody listened when he wrote, “Oh my God! My family is being disemboweled!”
–*Mufster and Pecksniff Find a Dead Body
–*The Adventures of Track, Piper, Willow, Trig, Bristol Vol. 5. In this episode, the five children outsmart the evil, smug and self-righteous Nurse Vegan.
–*Miffy and Fleady Survive the Irish “Troubles”: In this episode, Miffy and Fleady find out that parades aren’t always fun. In fact, sometimes they are an incendiary political act with fatal repercussions.
–*Heather Has Only One Mommy, But Both Kinds of Genitalia
–*The Adventures of Sarah and Todd: In this volume, the super governor and her husband find an odd, buffering medium that magically shields them from criminal indictment.
–*Mr. Bear Meets Mr. Gun
–*Governor Palin Flays and Eats Bullwinkle
–*Why Mr. Rabbit Can’t Have Any More Baby Rabbits After Vietnam
–*The Funny Pig Who Thought He Was A Sheepdog (But Was Instead Classified as an Enemy Combatant and Thus Was No Longer Subject to the Geneva Convention in the Eyes of the Bush Administration and Was Thus Water-Boarded and Told To Dig His own Grave)
–*The Sad Story of Mr. Depreciated Dollar Bill
–*The Littlest German National Socialist
–*The VeggieTales: Episode 486: Where Larry the Cucumber finds out that God gives everybody a chance and that even a seemingly innocuous cultivated gourd like himself can be a hero to a 23-year-old French blonde nymphomaniac.
–*Busby and Griff Cause an International Diplomatic Crisis: In this episode, Busby needs the help of the Turkish government to find Griff, so he ought pick his battles, keep his mouth shut and realize now is not the time to bring up the 90-year-old genocide of the Armenians.
–*Daddy Wants To Have Parts Like Mommy
–*Is Buford Bear Gay or Just Sensitive?
–*Momma Kitty Wants A Box (And To Eat The Afterbirth)
–*W’s Bad Day
Posted in Books & Literature | Tagged Boy Who Cried Wolf, Bristol Palin, children's books, Enemy combantant, George Bush, Sarah Palin, Twitter, Veggie Tales | Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Thursday, October 23, 2008 )
In this time of great panic on Wall Street, of wars, of ethical and moral lapses and lack of faith, many people have begun to re-evaluate what their core values are. What things are we undervaluing and what things are overrated?
Undervalued: Saving for a rainy day
Overvalued: Spending borrowed money
Undervalued: Character
Overrated: Looks
Overrated: Loyalty
Underrated: Personal integrity
Underrated: wit
Overrated: sarcasm
Underrated: Bill & Hillary
Overrated: Spencer & Heidi
Underrated: Newell Rubbermaid (now trading at just 8 times earnings)
Overrated: Hugh Hefner (a surprisingly low sperm count)
Underrated: Community organizers who are also constitutional law professors
Overrated: Shooting at moose from helicopters
Underrated: Protecting your family
Overrated: Protecting your family by abusing your authority as governor of Alaska and interfering in an internal police investigation
Underrated: Reasoned discourse
Overrated: Sex in an elevator
Underrated: Humanists
Overrated: The New Mickey Mouse Club
Underrated: Atheists
Overrated: The Roberts Supreme Court
Underrated: Goodyear sexual discrimination victim Lilly Ledbetter
Overrated: the 2005 SUV line
Underrated: Girls who do math
Overrated: Girls who had body issues in high school but who now work in the adult entertainment industry
Underrated: Girls who are good at math but also work in the adult entertainment industry
Overrated: Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito
Underrated: Having everything you need
Overrated: Getting everything you can
Underrated: Thoughts
Overrated: Things
Underrated: The hell of today
Overrated: The heaven of tomorrow
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(Originally posted Thursday, October 23, 2008 )
What are the top things we’re feeling pressure to do even though it may be wrong?
–*To have sex without a condom
–*To have sex without a condom with Matthew McConaughey
–*To have my baby in front of husband Matthew McConaughey while he plays bongos
–*To have unprotected sex with a boy
–*To have sex with a boy and then go ahead and have his baby after being forced to by my mother, the governor of Alaska, an ill-considered vice presidential candidate and member of a crazy Pentecostal cult
–*To have sex with Hugh Hefner since he’s paying for the rent, food, family remittances, boob work, attorney’s fees and dog neutering
–*To tie my fortunes to Hugh Hefner even though he won’t marry me and has a surprisingly low sperm count
–*To drink the water in that white cup even though it made my girlfriend Kate Moss blind and schizophrenic for 10 minutes until she blacked out
–*To panic and sell my shares in Newell Rubbermaid when it’s trading at a low 8 times earnings
–*To take up smoking. Even though I’m in the third trimester.
–*To take 12 cents on the dollar to insure trillions of dollars in bonds that will likely go into default and then ruin me and my company AIG
–*To allow my company to be bailed out by the U.S. government and then to use that money to throw a fabulous yacht party with ice sculptures of Venus on the half shell with champagne running off her callipygian buttocks
–*To fire Sarah Palin’s brother-in-law from the Alaska State Troopers in my capacity as state public safety commissioner.
–*To take any calls from Todd Palin even though I know he’s going to keep asking me about firing his former brother-in-law.
–*To say yes to John McCain that I will be his vice presidential candidate even though I am in no way qualified, just because he’s putting undue pressure on me.
–*To acquiesce to the American public’s blood lust by continuing to paint my presidential opponent as a Muslim terrorist when he isn’t.
–*To yell “kill, kill kill” at the black presidential candidate just because all of the racist white people around me are doing it
–*To take the law into my own hands because all the racist white people around me are doing it
–*To do the wrong thing without thinking about it
–*To do the right thing without thinking about it
–*To support a political party not because of ideology, but pretty much for the same reasons I support the home football team: because that’s what I was taught by them what raised me
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(Originally posted Wednesday, October 22, 2008 )
What are some of the stupidest things appearing on magazines?
Cindy versus Michelle: The Style Dance Off (Glamour)
A Critter Ate My Bundle Of Joy (Parade)
The Sexiest Women Of the Texas Polygamist Sect (New York Times Magazine)
Jessica Alba: There’s Not Much More To Her Than What You See Here (Latina)
Madonna Is Bringing Back Hats! (Vanity Fair)
Sarah Palin Rocks! (National Review)
Don’t You Understand, The Rich Won’t Work If You Raise Their Taxes (National Review)
Obama Wants To Create Welfare for the Poor (National Review)
The Jonas Brothers: Their Long-Awaited Audience With The Pope (Rolling Stone)
The Jonas Brothers: Their Long-Awaited Audience With Tax Reformer Grover Norquist (The American Spectator)
The Jonas Brothers: Their Long-Awaited Audience With Elmo (Tiger Beat Magazine)
Oprah Bitch Slaps Cindy! (O Magazine)
Elmo Bitch Slaps Grover Norquist! (New York Magazine)
David Foster Wallace Finds One Last Sad, Undignified Way To Get on the Cover of Rolling Stone (Rolling Stone)
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(Originally posted Sunday, October 19, 2008 )
–*There’s a new shop called “The Chocolate-Gasm.”
–*You can now find small pieces of pork fat for sale at your grocery store under their French name, “lardons,” but you can’t find any Ding-Dongs.
–*The authors of the “Wine Snob’s Dictionary” have broken into your house just to shame you away from that bottle of Barolo you aren’t smart enough to really enjoy.
–*A cat gynecologist opens up shop and calls herself “Dr. Good Pussy.”
–*Fair trade coffee means you must cultivate it yourself by climbing up your own mountain, harvesting the cherries, skinning them, de-pulping them, hulling them and roasting them with your own army of Latin American campesinos.
–*The “No vomiting” signs are less polite and more assertive
–*A dirty bookstore with pinewood shelves devoted to things like Robert Mapplethorpe’s black-on-white cock pictures has been replaced by a high-end art gallery with Lucite and Plexiglas furnishings devoted to Robert Mapplethorpe’s black-on-white cock pictures.
–*Your favorite local watering hole with no sign on the door, “MacRubers,” has gone private, and now has a sign: “Stay the fuck out.”
–*Google now automatically recognizes the phrase “gentrification in [your neighborhood]”
–*There’s been a conversion of residential units to commercial property.
–*There’s been a decrease in rental units.
–*There are more lawyers.
–*And a lot more whites.
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(Originally posted Friday, October 17, 2008 )
Joe Six Pack
Joe Plumber
Joe Blow
Joe Orange Julius
Joe Grave Robber
Joe Huff Addict
Joe Vitrolite, who specializes in a structural glass popular in 1920s art deco
Joe Carrara Glass, who also specializes in a defunct structural glass and who will kick Joe Vitrolite’s ass
Joe Abortion
Joe Disembodied Head In a Jar
Joe The Beatles Are Better Than the Rolling Stones
Joe No They’re Not The Beatles Are Overrated
Joe Fuck You, You’re Just Trying to Be Counterintuitive, You Suck
Joe That’s What Your Mother Said
Joe You Fucked Me From Behind and Didn’t Have the Common Courtesy To Give Me a Reach-Around
Joe Reach Around
Joe Counterintuitive
Jo Without An “E” So Suck On That
Joe Pedophile
Joe Foot Fetishist
Joe Drosophila Melanogaster Fly Specialist
Joe Who Is No Longer Joe But Who Is Now Called Mary
Joe Alaska Governor
Joe Troopergate
Joe Criminal
Joe Autism
Every Joe
Joe Noodge
Joe Catheter
Joe Made You Look
Joe No You Didn’t
Joe I’m Not Voting For Either of Them, I Should Be The Goddamn President
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Beauty is Imperfection 