Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, October 23, 2008 )

What are the top things we’re feeling pressure to do even though it may be wrong?

–*To have sex without a condom

–*To have sex without a condom with Matthew McConaughey

–*To have my baby in front of husband Matthew McConaughey while he plays bongos

–*To have unprotected sex with a boy

–*To have sex with a boy and then go ahead and have his baby after being forced to by my mother, the governor of Alaska, an ill-considered vice presidential candidate and member of a crazy Pentecostal cult

–*To have sex with Hugh Hefner since he’s paying for the rent, food, family remittances, boob work, attorney’s fees and dog neutering

–*To tie my fortunes to Hugh Hefner even though he won’t marry me and has a surprisingly low sperm count

–*To drink the water in that white cup even though it made my girlfriend Kate Moss blind and schizophrenic for 10 minutes until she blacked out

–*To panic and sell my shares in Newell Rubbermaid when it’s trading at a low 8 times earnings

–*To take up smoking. Even though I’m in the third trimester.

–*To take 12 cents on the dollar to insure trillions of dollars in bonds that will likely go into default and then ruin me and my company AIG

–*To allow my company to be bailed out by the U.S. government and then to use that money to throw a fabulous yacht party with ice sculptures of Venus on the half shell with champagne running off her callipygian buttocks

–*To fire Sarah Palin’s brother-in-law from the Alaska State Troopers in my capacity as state public safety commissioner.

–*To take any calls from Todd Palin even though I know he’s going to keep asking me about firing his former brother-in-law.

–*To say yes to John McCain that I will be his vice presidential candidate even though I am in no way qualified, just because he’s putting undue pressure on me.

–*To acquiesce to the American public’s blood lust by continuing to paint my presidential opponent as a Muslim terrorist when he isn’t.

–*To yell “kill, kill kill” at the black presidential candidate just because all of the racist white people around me are doing it

–*To take the law into my own hands because all the racist white people around me are doing it

–*To do the wrong thing without thinking about it

–*To do the right thing without thinking about it

–*To support a political party not because of ideology, but pretty much for the same reasons I support the home football team: because that’s what I was taught by them what raised me