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Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

–*Rock star yourself

–*Mad Men Yourself

–*Avatar Yourself

–*Ewok Yourself

–*Jersey Shore Yourself

–*Do Something With Yourself

–*18th Century French Whore With Syphilis Yourself

–*Uninsure Yourself

–*Turn Yourself Into a Tea Party Crackpot

–*Join a Militia

–*Take Back Your Country From the Black People

–*Commune with Other People Who Share Your Unfocused Rage

–*Make Yourself Politically Aware Without Doing Any Reading

–*Do a copycat suicide

–*Mail in an application to become one of the millions of people who murdered John F. Kennedy

–*Set Fire To This Cartoon Tree

–*Set Fire To a Real Tree

–*The “start your own religion machine” tailored to your own particular belief system, one that rejects icons, accepts Jesus as four different substances, replaces fiat currency for a gold standard, acknowledges the existence of Bigfoot, and confirms the superiority of the Beatles over the Rolling Stones.

–*A new application that would show you how you might look different if you had any imagination whatsoever.

–*

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Tonight, the New Orleans Saints faced off against the Indianapolis Colts, and as viewers know, this was one for the history books. From the history-making touch downs, to the endless scrums for position, to the awesome half-time shows, to the commercials that had us rolling in the aisles, this was one Super Bowl that people will definitely be talking about for years.

New Orleans has never won a title, which made tonight very important for them. It was trebly important for them given the troubles the city has seen and its need to restore a little civic pride and excitement.

It was also an important night for Peyton Manning. As you know, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the game. Nobody can hold a candle to him.

One thing is for sure, whether New Orleans wins or loses, the city is probably going to throw a party because that’s what they do best. Win or lose, it’s always a good time to do it up Cajun style.

OK, you’ve probably caught wind of the fact that I haven’t watched the game and I have no idea who won. As a journalist, it just wouldn’t be responsible of me to let you think I’d seen the game in person or watched it on TV when I haven’t. I just don’t want to pretend to give you the news when I haven’t got it first hand. That’s why I’m refusing to read The New York Times or The Washington Post or Yahoo to see who actually won because I don’t use second-hand sources. I’m giving you the scoop only as far as these eyes have it. It’s just not fair to my readers otherwise. It would really be dishonest of me.

But I can tell you that there was plenty of excitement. From the records set by some or more players in the game to the surprise, sexy half-time show (perhaps there were a few “wardrobe malfunctions”?), Super Bowl 2010 was balls-to-the-wall excitement, I am guessing. There were very likely many injuries and perhaps some last-minute tough calls by the coaches. Peyton Manning did his damnedest to incite his team to do their best work, whichever team he plays for. Also there was a huge soda commercial and perhaps an Apple Computer commercial as well. They have a new product out that looks like a writing tablet.

From up on high we saw pictures from the Goodyear blimp to give you a large panoramic perspective that increases your sense of space and amps up the anticipation.

Let’s not forget the lovely cheerleaders. I’m sure, well … I’m sure we’d all of us like to sleep with them. I hope I don’t sound sexist. I’m sure even you women out there would like to sleep with them. And the mascots! There are even people in the world who would like to sleep with the mascots, if you believe what you read on Match.com.

I tell you, if this wasn’t the best fucking Super Bowl in years, I’ll flash my bare ass from Macy’s window. When you’re at the water cooler tomorrow, I hope that some of these tidbits from the game will spice up your talk a little. And also I hope you’ll tell me who won. I was busy doing something else on Sunday.

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–*Snooki of the reality show Jersey Shore dies in bizarre a pre-show red carpet appearance after somebody accidentally pours salt on her.

–*Steven Tyler sings a musical version of his cease and desist order against his band mates in Aerosmith who would dare think to continue without him.

–*Lady Gaga arrives dressed as the Solar System. Scientists on the red carpet criticize her inclusion of Pluto, while Joan Rivers says she looks like Uranus.

–*American Idol sensation Larry Platt sings his surprise hit songs, “My Pants Are On the Ground,” “Help I Need Insulin,” “I Haven’t Eaten In Three Days,” and “What Are You Laughing At, I Just Said I Haven’t Eaten in Three Days.”

–*Lady Gaga dresses like an outrageous cross between a white tiger and a Lincoln Towncar.

–*To outdo her performance last year, when she performed while pregnant, the artist M.I.A. this year breaks water onstage.

–*Lady Gaga dresses like a suppurating appendix.

–*Stephen Colbert keeps the ceremony loose by reminding us its OK to laugh and to dislike tonight’s Grammy-nominated music.

–*Colbert makes a joke at Susan Boyle’s expense. Since she isn’t at the Grammys in person, it’s safe to say we’re laughing at her not with her.

–*3-D “Grammy Glasses” handed out before the show allow viewers at home to be literally surrounded in mediocrity.

–*Michael Jackson is remembered for the spunk he put in every adult and child.

–*Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies,” beats out the Beatles, Shakespeare, quantum physics and Darwin’s work on the evolution of the species as the apex of human achievement as far as Kanye West is concerned.

–*Taylor Swift is blonde.

–*The Black Eyed Peas debut their new song, “I’mma Drop M’ Vowls.”

–*Lady Gaga and Elton John appear covered in soot, spermaceti wax, No. 5 viscosity motor oil, cheese whiz, Gerber baby food and anything else we can throw at them.

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–*Nobody wants to read about the internal journey of Richard Nixon as he squares off with a menacing satyr character in the afterlife. And it needs more sex in it.

–*Nobody wants to read a story about the ghost of Richard Nixon stuck in our refrigerator.

–*The whole storyline about the 13-year-old girl coming to grips with her sexuality wasn’t really meshing with the story about the invasion of Normandy.

–*It’s really hard to turn corn/ethanol subsidies into drama, no matter how unfair it is.

–*Our protagonist, a member of a grassroots Tea Party organization, really had no valid points.

–*After our lead character had her sixth autistic child, she was really just losing our sympathy.

–*It’s hard to laugh at the subject of abortion. Unless of course the story is really, really hysterically funny.

–*It’s very hard to write inside the mind of a schizophrenic, an infant, or Glenn Beck.

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After a mysterious car accident led to press speculation about golf star Tiger Woods’ possible marital infidelities, there are now reports that he and his wife Elin Nordegren have renegotiated several aspects of their prenuptial agreement, which now reportedly includes $80 million extra for Nordegren if she stays with her husband for two more years and $5 million if she does not leave him immediately. What are some of the other new clauses in the prenup?

–*Nordegren is to be paid an extra million for every new bimbo who emerges in South Beach or the Hamptons claiming to have had sex with her husband.

–*That number is to rise to $1.5 million if the woman in question is a Playboy model

–*It will be $1.7 million if the photos of the Playboy model have been retouched

–*It will be $2 million if the woman Tiger slept with gets her own reality TV special

–*It will be $2.2 million if the reality TV show special involves Flavor Flav, Danny Bonaduce or Scott Baio or features vomiting.

–*Woods must pay the $3.99 per minute of phone sex out of his own pocket.

–*Nordegren does not have to make Tiger dinner, watch TV with Tiger or clap during the Masters if Tiger wins.

–*Nordegren gets $100,000 per sexual encounter with Tiger, plus a facial at Bliss Spa.

–*Nordegren does not have to address Tiger in English.

–*Nordegren does not have to continue to love him.

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Japan!

Expect fewer posts over the next week or so as the missus and I tour the Land of the Rising Sun. Perhaps a cry for help from a Western Union!

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2 CBS

Survivor: America. The contestants go five years in the U.S. without affordable health care.

3 ABC

Bachelorette: The Outbreak

4 NBC

It’s too late to force Michael Jackson to make a psychological breakthrough, but we can still try to get him to confess his sins in rerun interviews.

10 CNN

Larry King is delighted by this uncompromising blonde woman.

13 PBS

Frontline offers a lot of indisputable facts, then profiles a group that disputes them.

14 TNN

Does my monster truck feel pain? A TNN exclusive.

15 MSNBC

A principled anchor spends 10 minutes explaining why she’s not going to do a thirty-second news story about Paris Hilton.

17 Discovery Channel

“Blowhole!” a show either about blue whales or about six young women forced to live in a Ft. Lauderdale condo. We’re not sure yet from the TV listing, nor, apparently, have the show’s creators made up their minds.

20 TNT

“Everybody Loves Raymond”

21 E! Entertainment

“Everybody Has Loved Winona Ryder.”

22 Vh-1

In a very sad “Pop-Up Video,” the “pop ups” turn out to be deadly, malignant buboes

23 Spike TV

“Grab Da Phone!” In a funny turn on “Punk’d” and “Candid Camera,” we videotape our roving correspondents beating people in the kneecaps and stealing their IPods.

25 Fox News

One of us. One of us. One of us.

26 HBO

“Everybody Loves Uncle Junior”

27 HBO 2

A show about why prostitutes do what they do. Yeah, I know, we’ve done it before, but this time we really really want to know. Seriously. We’re just curious about the subject.

30 ESPN

Sportscaster Erin Andrews returns to coverage.

31 Bravo

The “Real Housewives of New Jersey” this week teach us how to reduce a consommé and hide a gun in your vagina.

32 Cinemax

Movie: “500 Days of Hummers.”

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Fan Fiction Sites

Many “fan fiction” sites have popped up on the Internet in which popular television characters from film, television and books are cast in new adventures written by fans.

What are some of the popular “fan fiction” sites out there?

–*Xena, That Time of the Month

–*The Adventures of Han Solo & Chewie’s Spare Parts Store

–* Rerun From “What’s Happening?” And His Adventures in the Illegal Hunting of Minke Whales in the Southern Ocean Sanctuary

–*Ross & Rachel confront the sexy hermaphrodite babysitter

–*Law & Order: Upstairs landlord Mr. Roper still thinks Detective Mike Logan is gay.

–*Mr. Spock and the hilarious masturbation contest

–*Lost’s Dr. Daniel Faraday and the Improper Parking Validation

–*Nadya Suleman: Private Investigator

–*Simon from American Idol and his adventures in the Central African “Diamond Wars”

–*Johnny Carson: CIA Hitman

–*Patrick Dempsey: Fur Trapper

–*The adventures of Rose from Gypsy and her fight against the ice monster on the planet Hoth.

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Health Care Haiku

EKG, Mister?

Don’t worry; we’re gouging the

Insurers for it

***

No insurance, dudes?

No problem! Just hit all the

Emergency rooms!

***

Michelle Obama’s

Hospital turned away poor

Those “bleeders” come first.

***

“Socialism” is

My S&M safe word–stops

All thoughts and progress

***

GOP says new

bill will outlaw private health

coverage, Jesus

***

They’re off writing their

own universal health care

bill. Not really, though.

***

F-22 planes

Fly proudly through the sky. Oh!

We’re not using them?

***

Maybe we can pay

For health care with these planes we

Aren’t using? Nahhh! Pffff!

***

A trillion dollars

In 10 years? Huge Fed waste! Best

Give it to CIGNA

***

“Bipartisanship”

is too hard for the health bill;

And for this haiku

***

“Sotomayor”? Ugh!

“Identity politics”?

Fuhgeddaboutit!

***

How can I write a

Haiku with these big words? Thumbs

down, Judge Sonia!

***

Henry Louis Gates

Renowned scholar; teacher; wears

handcuffs in Cambridge

***

Gates broke into his

own house; you can’t do that when

you’re black, Professor!

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Stephanie and I have just released Episode 15 of “The Retributioners.” This one is titled “Debasing April,” and in it, Stephanie really, really, really, really wants to give her former colleague April a good job reference. You can watch it here or on our site at http://www.theretributioners.tv.

Stephanie and I are also excited because we have expanded our Web page and added more content. You will now be able to read my blog from the site, as well as link to other Web shows and our friends’ blogs. These include “Fool’s Errand” by Gene Justice (a blog about poetry, literature, politics and a lot of other good stuff) and “Bartography” by my friend Chris Barton (who focuses mostly on children’s and young adult literature). Please go and check out our updated site and rediscover it for the very first time.

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