Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Introducing My Friend, Oscar Nominee Gigi Causey (And Husband Andrew Bowler)

Posted in Comedy, Film & TV, tagged , , , , on January 28, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Years ago, when I was the associate entertainment editor for the University of Texas college newspaper, The Daily Texan, this incredibly cheerful ex-cheerleader from El Paso would hang about in our office chatting with people late into the night as we waited for final proofs. I lost touch with Gigi for several years until, in a totally chance encounter in Tribeca, I found her working at a film production company that had asked to see one of my screenplays. I was looking for somebody else in this dark, hip office but was startled to instead find my long lost friend. I peered through the dark at a familiar figure, no longer a former cheerleader but a harried film producer, and said with head-slapping incredulity “Gigi?????”

Fast forward a few years, and I’ve watched Gigi with great admiration work tirelessly in the indie film world to get a number of really great projects off the ground, many with her extraordinarily talented husband, actor, director and producer Andrew Bowler. Occasionally we would have lunch and I’d ask Gigi, the seasoned film producer, for tips on how to play around with my own cinematic projects.

A couple of years ago she showed me a screenplay for a short film called “Time Freak,” written by Andrew. I’m not even sure why they showed it to me, unless it was just to hear me validate what they likely knew and say what everybody else likely did: “This is brilliant. Shoot it!”

I should have known that they would not only shoot it, but do it with real style and heart and cool. But they did far more–reached Olympian heights I dare say even they didn’t dream about: They this week found out they had received an Oscar nomination for best live action short film.

I had almost given up on this Oscars, especially after they started nominating 10 films for best picture. But this year, I’ll be doing it backward, and watching the middle of the show, not the end, rooting for my friend Gigi, who is still, though an older and much wiser ex-cheerleader, one of the coolest, nicest people you’ll meet.

The couple filmed their reaction to the news that they would, forever after and henceforward, be styled “Oscar nominated Gigi Causey and Andrew Bowler.” Here is the video, a suspenseful film with a highly satisfying conclusion.

Also, enjoy the “Time Freak” trailer. The entire film should be coming to the Web shortly, says Gigi.

Read Full Post »

Live Blogging The Emmys*

Posted in Comedy, tagged on September 22, 2011| Leave a Comment »

–*It’s nice to see Charlie Sheen presenting something other than blood in the urine.

–*Let’s face it. John Hamm should be nominated in both best actor and best actress categories, because nobody on “Mad Men” gets near as many lines as he does.

–*The audience laughs and laughs at a musical number starring the Lonely Island and Michael Bolton and Akon, hoping that the laughter turns soon into some understanding about what the musical piece is about.

–*Let’s have a montage of every drama on TV right now to remind them what they aren’t watching when the Jersey Shore is on.

–*Scott Caan is a douche. But that’s OK, it makes him a casting slam dunk.

–*The Emmys celebrates scripted television, serialized Saturday Evening Post fiction, CB radio, betamax video, DDT and kitschy knickknacks from the 50s.

–*A new category: most self-righteous dialogue on a show featuring a female lawyer.

–*A new category: most coy penis jokes on a show featuring female doctors.

–*A new category: the most disgusting and also highly unlikely forensics scenario that can be conceived by a murderer or the writer of a CBS crime show. CBS will be the clear winner.

–*The new Charlie’s Angels ask, “Would the world be a worse place if we recycled ideas?”

–*Oh, yeah. “Friday Night Lights” keeps winning everything.

–*This is Jane Lynch’s time. Unfortunately, it’s also Snooki’s time and Michele Bachmann’s time. So, really, this is not a very good time.

–*”Women’s Bathroom Spy Cam” is really lowering the bar on TV dramas this year.

–*The nominees for best stock market crash are, October 1987, September 2001, September 2008, February 2011 and August 2011. There are no winners.

–*The producers of the TV show “Glee” admit that the show is now only 60% glee.

–*Gloria Steinem called the new Playboy Club show sexist. That’s not fair. It’s way more stupid than sexist.

–*The “In Memorium” segment reminds who died, but also allows us to finally put some names to faces … “Oh! That guy died?”

–*JWoww insists that the success of Jersey Shore is really hanging on her shoulders.

–*Jane Lynch coyly suggests that the cast of “Entourage” are Lesbians.

Read Full Post »

Stephanie Speaks on DigitalChickTV.com

Posted in Comedy, The Web, Web series, tagged , , , on October 20, 2010| Leave a Comment »

My wife Stephanie, producer and star of the our Web series The Retributioners, recently penned an article for Digital Chick TV (DigitalchickTV.com) about the joys and horrors of making a Web show from scratch in our living room.

Digital Chick TV is run by another ce-Webrity, the amazing Daryn Strauss, the writer/director/producer of Downsized. Check out both our shows.

Stephanie would also probably like it if I showed off this head shot of her. I like to show her off, and besides, we can probably depreciate the photo expenses for accounting purposes.

Read Full Post »

Tiger Woods’ New Prenup

Posted in Comedy, Sports, Uncategorized, tagged , on December 11, 2009| Leave a Comment »

After a mysterious car accident led to press speculation about golf star Tiger Woods’ possible marital infidelities, there are now reports that he and his wife Elin Nordegren have renegotiated several aspects of their prenuptial agreement, which now reportedly includes $80 million extra for Nordegren if she stays with her husband for two more years and $5 million if she does not leave him immediately. What are some of the other new clauses in the prenup?

–*Nordegren is to be paid an extra million for every new bimbo who emerges in South Beach or the Hamptons claiming to have had sex with her husband.

–*That number is to rise to $1.5 million if the woman in question is a Playboy model

–*It will be $1.7 million if the photos of the Playboy model have been retouched

–*It will be $2 million if the woman Tiger slept with gets her own reality TV special

–*It will be $2.2 million if the reality TV show special involves Flavor Flav, Danny Bonaduce or Scott Baio or features vomiting.

–*Woods must pay the $3.99 per minute of phone sex out of his own pocket.

–*Nordegren does not have to make Tiger dinner, watch TV with Tiger or clap during the Masters if Tiger wins.

–*Nordegren gets $100,000 per sexual encounter with Tiger, plus a facial at Bliss Spa.

–*Nordegren does not have to address Tiger in English.

–*Nordegren does not have to continue to love him.

Read Full Post »

Song From Avenue Q Confuses Kansas Karaoke Bar

Posted in Comedy, Entertainment, Music, Theater, tagged , , , , , , on August 4, 2009| 3 Comments »

Topeka, Kansas (API) Karaoke night was almost ruined Friday as two revelers in the local karaoke bar The Rubber Hose chose a song from Broadway musical “Avenue Q” for the night’s 11th number, a choice that sent many of the bar’s patron’s into befuddlement, grousing and ultimately acts of violence.

The two singers, Liz Miller and Melissa Snow, chose the song from the hit Broadway parody of Sesame Street because they had seen it on a recent trip to New York, but the number nearly brought the festivities to a screeching halt when several of the flummoxed patrons stood dead silent.

“I don’t know what those girls were singing,” said Ross McAdams, a middle manager at a nearby natural gas refining plant. “I was just coming off feeling real good about my “Hotel California” vocal and then these two girls come up with this shit.”

What made it worse, said local tax attorney Florence Halberstadt, is that the two girls picked a song called “Schadenfreude,” a word many of the patrons were unfamiliar with.

“I just don’t get what those two girls are singing,” said Halberstadt. “I came here to have fun. If I knew this was going to turn into some German song night I would have stayed home.”

“I don’t get it,” said Ed Chalmers, a plumber. “Are those two making fun of us?”

The crowd became increasingly pouty and dejected as the lyrics scrolled across the screen. Even though the song offers much helpful explication of the word “Schaudenfreude,” mainly through humorous contexts, the wit was largely lost on the crowd, many of whom turned angry and sour.

“It’s my birthday,” said Holly Knoxall, a local gym teacher. “It’s totally ruined now, all because a couple of no-goodniks think they’re better than we are.”

A winner of several Tony Awards, Avenue Q uses parodies of several Sesame Street characters to address mature themes like adult sexuality, racism and intolerance, mostly by having its characters espouse extreme viewpoints at odds with those of the artist’s true feelings.

“Specifically it’s called ‘irony,’” Liz Miller said to the crowd. “Get a clue, jerk-offs!”

But yet again, tackling of subject matter by having a character embrace the very viewpoint being satirized was something poorly understood by the crowd, many of whom were drinking Rolling Rock and smoking Camels and singing mostly songs by the Beach Boys, the Eagles and U2 and many of whom showed they were in absolutely no mood to be made to feel inferior.

“These two little ho bags are pissing me off,” said Harold Osprey, who ended the night yelling at his girlfriend and telling her, “Get in the car, bitch. If I stay, somebody’s going to get hurt.”

Having almost ended one of the song’s signature lines, “Fuck you lady, that’s what stairs are for,” Miller and Snow hoped the song might finally inspire a few belly laughs, but by that point, several of the patrons had started pushing each other at the bar and were no longer in any mood to laugh. Instead, it seemed blood sport would be the night’s game, and as the lone karaoke machine played “Schadenfreude, making the world a better place …” the atmosphere in the bar finally descended into shouts, flying beer bottles and fire.

Read Full Post »

Banks In Trouble

Posted in Business and the Economy, Comedy, News, Politics on May 8, 2009| Leave a Comment »

As part of its efforts to plumb the depths of the financial crisis, the Obama administration has subjected U.S. banks to “stress tests,” to determine if these institutions have enough capital on their books to keep lending and survive a prolonged economic slump. Regulators project that the losses at the biggest banks could reach a staggering $600 billion by 2010.

What are some of the shortfalls at the nation’s largest banks and where did these gaps come from?

–*SunTrust is short on money it lent to the Christian right for a now abandoned “Tower of Babel To Heaven” construction project, one that now sits unfinished in Topeka, Kansas after rising only five stories and which has since turned into a squatters’ town.

–*Northern Light Bank in Cincinnati, Ohio is short on credit card loans it provided to Ohioans to buy plasma TVs.

–*Fifth Third Bancorp has an estimated loss on credit card loans it offered to consumers with the strict stipulation that they were supposed to go build their own Interstate highway bridges with the money, not buy muscle cars, but then they went out and bought that god damned car anyway, which is now sitting in the driveway, its motor having fallen out and making our house an eyesore.

–*BB&T lost billions on the falling value of collateral on houses, and in a crude attempt at raising their value, tried to people them with a race of stunted, red-eyed Morelocks it had fabricated in a clone lab.

–*U.S. Bancorp failed to raise $9 billion it needed by breaking into the homes of its clients and shaking them down for blood money Mexican gangster style.

–*PNC Financial Services Group gave a billion dollar loan to its Uncle Ernie to get him back on track after his alcohol meltdown, but after three months on the wagon, he had a terrible relapse, and all the money was gone. “What did you do with the money, Uncle Ernie?” said PNC as it slapped the poor man silly. “What did you do with the fuckin’ money, Uncle Ernie, you god damned old souse?”

–*KeyCorp took the initiative and spent billions of dollars of its own money to rebuild the New Orleans levees so that they could withstand a category 5 hurricane, thus preventing thousands of needless deaths in the future–a loan that of course makes absolutely no economic sense.

–*Regions Financial loaned out billions for what seemed to be second lien mortgages on houses but which actually turned out to be a speculative investment in the cardboard refrigerator box industry, which now serves as the major source of America’s dwellings.

–*Wells Fargo lost billions through an insidious little machine called a “credit card” that through no inherent value of its own can be used to procure goods and services.

–*Bank of America fucking bought Merrill Lynch which was like buying a fucking black hole of fucking limitless debt.

Read Full Post »

Lying the Scott McClellan Way

Posted in Comedy on February 17, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Wednesday, May 28, 2008 )

Former White House press secretary Scott McClellan has released a scathing indictment of his one-time boss, president George W. Bush, accusing his former superiors in the administration of pushing propaganda and untruths at every level to effect their policies. He even blames the media for being too complicit in the spin doctoring going on. In other words, he is mad that he believed the president’s lies. And he blames the media for believing these same lies that he himself believed. Which ultimately means he blames the media for believing him.

How is this kind of ongoing denial and the echo-chamber of non-critical thinking affecting us as everyday Americans? What if we did this in our own interpersonal relationships?

–*”Honey, you should have known that when I told you I wanted you to buy me eggs, I didn’t really mean for you to put on your clothes, go out the front door, drive five miles to the supermarket to buy me eggs. It was just something wives say.”

–*”Son, you should have known that when I told you I was having a heart attack and needed emergency defibrillation that I was doing it just as a way to get you to come visit me at the house, which you never do. I’m old! This is all your fault.”

–*”John, when I told you to make love to me, you should have known later that I would file for sexual harassment. You have to know that sometimes even when a girl says yes, she means no.”

–“Honey, when I made a vow to be faithful, you should never have believed that I wasn’t going to sleep with your much sexier sister.”

–*”Teacher, when I said I was going to the bathroom, you should have found it extremely suspect, since you can tell, just by looking at me, that I am the kind of person who is going to go sell crank in the parking lot instead. I mean, believing me was really a sucker play.”

–*”Actress Ellen Barkin, you should have known when you married me, billionaire trophy wife collector Ronald Perelman, when I said “I love you ’til death do us part,” that given my history with divorces, in which the harpies have eaten me alive through my munificent alimony checks, I would not likely really be with you until death do us part, and that when I say I love you it is actually a fleeting chemical sensation and hormonal impulse–part of a yeasty mix of endorphins, the male posturing genetic traits of my gorilla ancestors in the subtropical forests, and the lubricant of unfathomable wealth that is the background for the attitude and style of our mating dance. You should have known this, actress Ellen Barkin, and for you not to have seen through it is just willful, stubborn, prideful female arrogance.

–*”Mommy, you should have known I would throw that cookie on the floor. I am only 2. Shit head.”

–*”People, you should have known I would lie to you. Being president means it is not exactly possible or desirable to tell the truth to people all the time, especially when they are the different constituent parts of a commonwealth who are all like selfish children who refuse to compromise or see eye to eye on anything.”

–*”You should have known when you were asking how my day went and I said “OK,” that it was just a manner of speaking and that my day is actually like something clumped to a buffalo’s ass and that I expect a certain amount of seclusion to deal with it and so, no, I didn’t really want to go to lunch with you.”

–*”You should have known when I said that I was “Joe Millionaire” that you are on a TV game show and that there is something disingenuous about having our love play out in front of a Fox television crew, the primary artifice of the whole affair likely being that I am not actually a millionaire.”

–*”You should have known that when I said I had cracked the Oklahoma City bombing case that I am Gore Vidal and that I have blown a lot of smoke up your ass in the past about things that turned out to not be the case.”

–*”You should have known that parts of my book “Roots” weren’t really true and that it was largely a work of fiction. I mean, obviously it would be hard to research a lot of that stuff.”

–*”You should have known that today’s “Beauty is Imperfection” blog might not have been funny. I mean, it’s hard to write every day, and “The Tudors” is on.”

Read Full Post »

Oklahoma Joyously Welcomes New Planned Parenthood Clinic

Posted in Comedy, Health, News, Politics, tagged , , , , on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Saturday, December 22, 2007)

Oklahomans Celebrate Opening of New Planned Parenthood Clinic

WILLIAMBINE, OKLA. — The sounds of kettle drums and marching bands … the sight of balloons, clowns, tumbling acrobats and acrobatic planes. Such gay festivities heralded the opening of a brand new Planned Parenthood clinic in Williambine, Okla., Wednesday as Oklahomans stepped up and do their part to end runaway birth rates. Wild celebrations marked the event, bands and magicians performed, and politicians came to give praise to the much needed clinic, where the many hundreds, if not thousands, of unwed young Oklahoma mothers will hopefully come and seek the advice of trained professionals about what they can do to stop all the rampant baby-making going on in the Sooner State.

“It’s been hard here in Oklahoma for so long, what with many people’s lack of understanding about family planning,” said Wilhemina Jenks, 26-year-old mother of five from nearby Ada. “We just keep having them and having them and having them and having them and having them. Where’s the leadership? Somebody had to do something. Mom? Dad?”

The ribbon-cutting ceremony at 8 a.m. was immediately followed by fire eaters, jugglers and clowns on stilts as onlookers thrilled at the site of the brand new prefab building colored white with brown trim and the “Planned Parenthood” logo embossed near the door in shining gold intaglio. A member of the military, Sgt. Judd Newsome, came over to give it a polish.

“I’m proud of that logo,” he said, tearfully. “It’s just so bright and shining.”

Members of the local military were on hand to fire a salute from armory cannons, and afterward, the town put on potato sack races while cheerleaders from Williambine High, the “Fighting Remuda,” performed rollicking numbers from ” Gypsy” and, of course, “Oklahoma.” The joyous cries of men and women lauding sound reproductive choices for the first time pealed from stucco and exposed gravel facades far and near.

“I just can’t tell you how much we needed this clinic,” said Tamara Hennessey, a 39-year-old grandmother, who is raising three kids belonging to her daughter, now unseen for the last three years and believed to be in Las Vegas. Hennessey added, “I mean, I believe in God and Jesus and all that. But come on. We don’t have to be psychos about it.”

Mayor Jerry Rippee was on hand for the ribbon cutting, just as he was for the opening of Wal-Mart two days before. “I can tell you,” Rippee joked, “You can buy socks at Wal-Mart. But here at Planned Parenthood, you can get the gloves for free. Hint hint, fellows!”

The crowd laughed heartily at Mayor Rippee’s joke.

“I guess you could say,” added city councilwoman Marjorie Bierhorst, “that good birth planning is a civic duty. It’s where the rubbers meet the road.” Like Mayor Rippee, she was also received with laughter and cheers.

The festivities were continued with a watermelon thump and a pumpkin toss, as well as a strongman contest and a good old-fashioned line dance.

“Oklahomans are an upstanding Christian people,” said Chrissy Timpkins, 22, holding one baby up on her shoulder as another one crawled around nearby on the end of a string. “But hey. Look around. How stupid do you have to be? We need someone to friggin talk about all the G** d***** babies.” She then had to leave to look for her third child, who was lost somewhere in the crowd.

Rev. Clive Oster of the local Baptist Church agreed. “The Bible said that sex should only be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage. But come on. This isn’t medieval times.”

“When Britney Spears’ 16-year-old little sister got pregnant,” said Timpkins, “children wanted to know how it could happen. Well, this is how it happened: she had somebody’s penis stuck in her and he ejaculated! Let’s just say it in English, for cryin’ out loud!”

Sally Shrimpton was the very first customer to enter the doors of the clinic at 9:35 a.m. She turned and waved to the crowd before entering and said, “I thank all of you good Oklahomans for coming out to show your support for safe reproductive choices in Oklahoma. You really are a hearty, robust and rational kind of folk, the kind who make our country great.” She then went inside and terminated her pregnancy, emerging to cheers and congratulations a few hours later.

At the end of the night, the town held a spectacular fireworks display and held a dance. The condoms were free, of course.

“This is sensible health and reproductive planning — Sooner style,” said Bud Heigle, holding up a plate of pork ribs in one hand and a fistful of glow-in-the-dark prophylactics in the other, and adding, “Get ‘er done!”

Read Full Post »

Bloomberg’s Terror Speech

Posted in Comedy, Politics on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, October 23, 2007)

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg took the stage the other day at a press conference to make an important announcement. Here is a television transcript of what happened after he took the dais.

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. We called you here tonight to let you know that we received word from intelligence agents and law enforcement officials that a terrorist plot against New York was uncovered in Iraq a few weeks ago, and that you were all in grave danger last Tuesday, but not anymore. Now, questions.

A reporter raises his hand.

REPORTER NO. 1

Sir, I don’t understand. What kind of danger were we in?

BLOOMBERG

Grave, horrible danger from a terrorist attack, likely on our subway system, by men using suitcases, baby strollers, and backpacks.

REPORTER NO. 1

But only last Tuesday?

BLOOMBERG

Yes. But not anymore. So, nothing to worry about.

Another reporter raises her hand.

REPORTER NO. 2

Sir, what do you mean, exactly? How should New Yorkers have prepared last Tuesday?

BLOOMBERG

It means that last Tuesday you should have been on the lookout for strange behavior. You might have avoided the subway, avoided carrying any handbags whatsoever. And maybe you should have worn a gas mask. But again, this was just last Tuesday. It’s a different world now.

REPORTER NO. 2

I’m not sure what the point of telling us now is.

BLOOMBERG

Look, New Yorkers are rugged people and know what to do in the case of a crippling attack on the subway that might have involved sarin gas and killer bees. And it’s our job to let you know without causing a panic. You should only know that you should be aware of trouble. The danger is clear, if no longer present.

REPORTER NO. 1

Killer bees?

BLOOMBERG

Yes. Last Tuesday. Killer bees and anthrax.

REPORTER NO. 3

Is there anything else we could have done last Tuesday to prepare?

BLOOMBERG

Yes. You would have been well advised not to leave your house at all. Perhaps you could have stayed home and watched television. You could have purchased an emergency generator in the case of an attack on the city’s power grid. You could have got a license to carry a weapon. Or two.

REPORTER NO. 3

The power grid? Was an attack on the power grid likely?

BLOOMBERG

Oh yeah. You betcha.

REPORTER NO. 2

Should we have let our kids go to school?

BLOOMBERG

No, no, no! That’s the worst possible thing you could have done last Tuesday. Really bad. It could have been catastrophic.

REPORTER NO. 1

Should we have used the city’s bridges to get out?

BLOOMBERG

Oy! My God no.

REPORTER NO. 2

What about the ferries?

BLOOMBERG

You want to be a big shot? You have a taste for living dangerously? Sure, go right ahead and take the ferry.

REPORTER NO. 3

What else could we have done last Tuesday to prepare for this horrible lethal attack?

BLOOMBERG

Well, you could have stocked up on water, food and blankets. But I don’t want to belabor the point. I just want to let you know that we are looking out for you and that the federal government and local authorities are doing everything in their power to keep you safe from attacks like the horrible, horrible one that could have happened last Tuesday if it weren’t caught in time.

REPORTER NO. 1

What should we be doing right now?

BLOOMBERG

Anything you want. Feel free to ride our subways and visit a Broadway show and spend your money at local businesses. But just so long as you know that doing it last Tuesday meant the odds were even something really bad was going to happen to you involving mustard gas, dirty bombs, and mad cow disease.

REPORTER NO. 3

So we should just do nothing?

BLOOMBERG

Do nothing, but do it with great fear and respect for the ineffable forces of God and providence. Police Commissioner Ray Kelly and I will be doing everything possible to keep you alerted in an almost timely fashion about things when they occur, or maybe just after they occur.

REPORTER NO. 3

Could last Tuesday have been another Sept. 11?

BLOOMBERG

People, I don’t want to get into hypotheticals. There was only one Sept. 11, and there won’t be another one until the day there is, and if there is one, you’ll be the first to know about it, if you’re still around. Last Tuesday was not Sept. 11, it just could have been.

REPORTER NO. 2

Mayor Bloomberg, I’m scared.

BLOOMBERG

There’s nothing to be afraid of. Your government is in control of the situation. And if we cannot control the terrorists themselves, we can at least control the wild hysteria. Believe me, you should never be wildly hysterical until I, mayor Mike Bloomberg, tells you it’s time to be wildly hysterical. And you can rest easy that when you are screaming and running to the exits and trampling your own friends and loved ones looking for escape like rats fleeing a sinking ship, you can rest easy that it’s only because the government told you it was okay to be scared. The government knows best when you should feel any mortal or existential dread. That’s just good governance. Now, that is all. Goodnight.

Read Full Post »

A Political Rally In the Post-Apocalypse World

Posted in Comedy, Politics, Society, tagged , on January 26, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Thursday, October 18, 2007)

Minutes From The Post-Apocalyptic Desert Community Conference, 2024

Greetings fellow tent dwellers. As president of your post-apocalyptic desert tent city, I welcome you to this year’s 2nd Annual Confab. I’m sure a lot of canned dog food will be eaten and lots of salty stories told. I see that some of the kids in the audience have lost their baby teeth since last year. Let’s hope some adult teeth grow in soon … and by that I mean, grow in ever! Huh? Can I get a laugh? I’m just teasin’ there.

Now, a few of you have sent in some comment cards. I have them written down on sheepskin vellum. Now don’t go asking me where the sheep is. Of course it was eaten a long time ago. And by the looks of Ed over there with his 20 inch waistline, I think I can tell you where it went. Just kidding about that Ed. However, I’ve got to say, some of the comments I saw this year were a little backward-looking. What I might call “Pre-apocalyptic” in their attitude, if you’ll indulge me. For instance, one of you, I won’t say who, keeps insisting that we should be doing crop rotation instead of living as vagabonds and going from place to place sucking all the methane gas out of old landfills for our speedsters. Some of you even say we should be using solar power for the speedsters. Now, I agree with you guys that solar power was a nifty idea back in the day, but let’s be realistic about what it takes to get a Bedouin desert people poppin’ in the morning. And it ain’t the unforgiving sun, amigos. It’s oil and gas. Pure and simple. That’s our lifeblood. You back-to-nature types might consider for a minute that nature’s keeping score with us, and she’s not our friend these days.

Now, also, as you know, the one last fertile female in North America, who I’ll just call Smurfette–just poking a little fun at you there, Barb–has been a little unhappy with the arrangements of having to sleep with all the male members of the tribe, or as she puts it, “Having to whelp a whole new civilization by herself.” Barb, I’m sorry that God gave you humanity’s last pristine eggs and that it was your uterus that was untouched by fallout. But put yourself in my position. I’m trying to keep civil order around here among a lot of sex-starved survivors of nuclear winter. I know it’s a lot to sacrifice to be the mother of a people. But think about the future a little and stop being such a prima donna, Madame Ovary. Morale is low enough.

Okay, now I also see that some of you have gotten a little squeamish about eating the dead. I feel your pain. I myself have eaten more of my former friends than I care to name, and the last time I looked at my driver’s license, my last name wasn’t “Donner.” So I’d ask you to remember that, when it comes to your fine Epicurean experiences, a nuclear holocaust kind of changes the calculus a bit. Just look at the rats running around here. In the old days, they were a nuisance you could chase away. But now they don’t run. They’re suddenly your equals–your competition in a hideous Malthusian game called survival of the fittest. They’re not afraid of you. No, they’re waiting for you to screw the pooch and fall asleep at the wrong time. While you sit out here bitchin’ about eating the dead, Charlie’s in the bush getting stronger. Remember that.

Now some of you have been asking, “Is old Pete going to relinquish control of the tribe this year, end the dictatorship, and reestablish democracy?” C’mon. You know I’m a democratic guy. My father was fairly elected as the mayor of New Haven, Conn., and I might have done that myself, if the city hadn’t been consumed by a vengeful cloud of radioactive bees. True, self-determination in the land of your birth is a value our elders held dear for centuries. But remember, the first order of business is stability. Until we have created the fundamentals of a democratic state–a shared ideology, a self-sustaining industrial base, and a diversified market economy–we’re all going to lick a few boots, starting with mine. So follow for now.

Okay, I saved the hardest question for last: What about the zombies? They’re attacking us with stones and machetes every night and they won’t ever die. Now, I preach love and understanding, but we’re in a holy war for our survival here. That’s why we can’t keep fighting with each other and playing Monday morning quarterback and saying, “You know who started the nuclear Holocaust? It was the Jews!” How do you think that makes Morrie feel? We aren’t Jews or gentiles anymore out here. We’re a hard-charging band of desert bad asses with souped up roadsters, fighting the good fight together. Now what are we going to do to those zombies? Come on now, everybody. What’s our motto? That’s right: “Kill, you rat men. Kill, kill!” Thanks. Have a rockin’ confab and we’ll see you next year.

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »