Beauty is Imperfection

As part of its efforts to plumb the depths of the financial crisis, the Obama administration has subjected U.S. banks to “stress tests,” to determine if these institutions have enough capital on their books to keep lending and survive a prolonged economic slump. Regulators project that the losses at the biggest banks could reach a staggering $600 billion by 2010.

What are some of the shortfalls at the nation’s largest banks and where did these gaps come from?

–*SunTrust is short on money it lent to the Christian right for a now abandoned “Tower of Babel To Heaven” construction project, one that now sits unfinished in Topeka, Kansas after rising only five stories and which has since turned into a squatters’ town.

–*Northern Light Bank in Cincinnati, Ohio is short on credit card loans it provided to Ohioans to buy plasma TVs.

–*Fifth Third Bancorp has an estimated loss on credit card loans it offered to consumers with the strict stipulation that they were supposed to go build their own Interstate highway bridges with the money, not buy muscle cars, but then they went out and bought that god damned car anyway, which is now sitting in the driveway, its motor having fallen out and making our house an eyesore.

–*BB&T lost billions on the falling value of collateral on houses, and in a crude attempt at raising their value, tried to people them with a race of stunted, red-eyed Morelocks it had fabricated in a clone lab.

–*U.S. Bancorp failed to raise $9 billion it needed by breaking into the homes of its clients and shaking them down for blood money Mexican gangster style.

–*PNC Financial Services Group gave a billion dollar loan to its Uncle Ernie to get him back on track after his alcohol meltdown, but after three months on the wagon, he had a terrible relapse, and all the money was gone. “What did you do with the money, Uncle Ernie?” said PNC as it slapped the poor man silly. “What did you do with the fuckin’ money, Uncle Ernie, you god damned old souse?”

–*KeyCorp took the initiative and spent billions of dollars of its own money to rebuild the New Orleans levees so that they could withstand a category 5 hurricane, thus preventing thousands of needless deaths in the future–a loan that of course makes absolutely no economic sense.

–*Regions Financial loaned out billions for what seemed to be second lien mortgages on houses but which actually turned out to be a speculative investment in the cardboard refrigerator box industry, which now serves as the major source of America’s dwellings.

–*Wells Fargo lost billions through an insidious little machine called a “credit card” that through no inherent value of its own can be used to procure goods and services.

–*Bank of America fucking bought Merrill Lynch which was like buying a fucking black hole of fucking limitless debt.