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Archive for March 25th, 2009

As Economy Worsens, Obama Eliminates Verbs

Posted in Business and the Economy, Politics, tagged , , , , , , on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Friday, January 09, 2009)

Washington, D.C. (API) As America faces increasing job losses and rising financial insecurity, President-elect Barack Obama has proposed the elimination of verbs in American speech as a belt-tightening measure.

“In an age of big American financial crisis, paper expensive. Verbs — unnecessary,” Obama said. “Predicates needless.”

The proposed measure would eliminate predicates and all words denoting actions or states of being until the American economy was well on its way to recovery.

“Americans strong,” said Obama. “Even without verbs. In the future, less verbal waste. And so more buildings, more food, more money. Hooray!”

House Democrats were fuming about the measure, which they said was proposed without their knowledge.

“No verbs? How no verbs?” asked Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Communication limited now. Too difficult, speech.”

Obama said he expects the cessation of verbs, a major component in syntax, will save the government millions of dollars in paper and also help Americans increase productivity by spending fewer minutes per person on unnecessary verbiage.

“A travesty, this,” said former Nixon administration speechwriter and self-described “language maven” William Safire. “The end of knowledge. The end of reason. Devastating. Utterly devastating.”

Americans said that they would have trouble adapting to the challenges of a verbless society, and that Obama’s proposed changes would likely have them soon stooping over and muttering in some kind of strange simian Neanderthal-speak.

“No verbs too hard,” said law professor Felix Diaz. “Language and communication difficult.”

“No verbs? Not too hard,” said Lila Montgomery, a customer greeter at Wal-Mart. “Toothpaste? Aisle 3. Videotapes? Aisle 10.”

“Speech rugged, even when no verbs,” said linguist Noam Chomsky. “Grammar universal, innate.”

Verbs are words that vary according to many factors, including tense, voice, mood and aspect. Obama was unsure whether the moratorium on speech would extend to gerunds, infinitives and supines, verbs which can sometimes act like nouns.

“Maybe yes, maybe no! A conundrum!” Then he shrugged.

“America no money,” continued Obama. “Thus, America no verbs. Not until America money again.”

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Your Christmas Sucked, Economic Indicators Say

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Thursday, January 08, 2009)

New York (API) — You had an absolutely awful Christmas, according to the International Council of Economic Indicators. The group reckons that the Christmas holiday season in 2008 was plagued by lower trending retail sales, especially at such big box retailers as Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club. And that means holiday joy was at a distressingly low ebb.

“Lower sales at Wal-Mart automatically means less holiday mirth,” said council president Jed Hammerstein. “We never know exactly how much depression and gloom there is at Christmas until the ghastly retail figures roll in. Now we know for sure.”

Among the indicators the council tracks: mirth was down 80%; cheer was down 52%; goodwill toward fellow man was down 39%; exuberance was off 19%; ebullience was at an all-time low, having fallen 70%. There was also much less milk of kindness, which was down 47% And there was a 68% decline in holiday egg nog buzz.

“Wow,” said Cher Brewster of Fort Wayne, Ind. “I had no idea how depressed I was at Christmas until now. I thought I was having a good time, singing Christmas carols and whatnot. But I guess I was in denial. How could we have all been so wrong?”

“I always feel a little sad at Christmas,” said Wayne Corbett, a truck diver from Phoenix. “I thought it was mildly recurring seasonal depression. Now I know it was all related to the lack of results from President Bush’s fiscal stimulus package.”

Sales from all over the retail spectrum sank–whether it was Wal-Mart, Neiman Marcus, J.C. Penney’s, Kohl’s or Macy’s. Analysts say that rising unemployment, the econony and a lack of consumer confidence were the likely culprits.

“Oh sure, people sang and gave homemade gifts and put up trees,” said Hammerstein. “But numbers don’t lie. Statistically, you had the most awful, shitty Christmas ever. We can only hope you will never have a Christmas like this one ever again.”

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What’s New at Sky Mall?

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Thursday, January 08, 2009)

What new inventions can you find in “Sky Mall”?

–*A water bed with Siamese fighting fish in it

–*A paper towel dispenser that alerts you when you’ve taken out too many towels and so have become a threat to the environment and an asshole

–*An anal whistle that turns flatulence into the works of Chopin and Brahms.

–*A black light that recognizes a teenager’s cooties.

–*A black light that recognizes Mickey Rourke’s cooties

–*A self-cleaning baseball

–*Rib scissors

–*Pumpkin mallets

–*Special makeup to hide your muffin top

–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like off a pizza

–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like out of the Bible

–*The “slanket”: a blanket with sleeves

–*The “slondom”: a condom with sleeves

–*The “clam”: a dental dam with eye holes and breathing tube

–*The New Testament in pill form

–*A special skin implant that converts phone text messages from your friends into physical pain

–*The portable recompression tent for impulsive lobster divers

–*Special speech boxes that allow your cat to speak to you in Aramaic

–*The “pointless electrical arc-making machine.”

–*A special device that allows you to steal electricity in Mexico or Flint, Michigan

–*A magnetic field device that turns wine into undrinkable vinegar in two minutes

–*A “penis and testicle diversion canal” for closed-leg subway and bus situations

–*Touch-free soap dispensers, towel dispensers, ovens, TV controls, keyboards, silverware, trash cans and doorknobs for obsessive compulsive types

–*And alternatively, gadgets with lots of needless buttons for those who are polymorphously perverse

–*A fog-free mirror for you to look at your idle, bourgeois life in.

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Random Google Searches, Gaza Edition

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, January 06, 2009)

Random Google Searches, Jan. 5

Israel + Gaza + bombing

Israel + Gaza + bombing + invasion + tanks + “large columns of smoke”

Israel + bombing + “upcoming elections” + “political posturing” + “can’t lose”

Hamas + bombing + “upcoming elections” + “political posturing” + “can’t lose”

“foreign diplomats seek truce in Gaza” + “blah blah blah”

Israel + “bombing civilians” + “polarizing Palestinians” + “another useless overplayed military gesture” + “Freudian compulsion to repeat”

Hamas + “no governing skills” + “firing homemade Qassam rockets”

Hamas + Gaza + “Islamist welfare state” + “economic shambles”

“firing more rockets” + “political home run for Hamas”

Israel + “2006 war with Lebanon” + “Hezbollah”

Hezbollah + “more popular than ever”

“2006 Lebanon War” + “a total flush down the toilet”

“1.3 million minority Arabs within Israel” + “identifying themselves mostly as Palestinians” + “oh shit”

“minority Arabs within Israel” + “out-of-control birth rates”

“Israeli Arabs” + overpopulate + “take over” + “vote Israel out of existence”

“Israeli Jews” + “very defensive” + “existential panic” + “bomb, bomb, bomb”

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Esoteric Children’s Books

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Tuesday, January 06, 2009)

Highly Esoteric Children’s Books Coming Soon

–*Curious George and the Giant Ponzi Scheme

–*The Funny Giraffe Who Faked Epstein Barr Syndrome For The Worker’s Comp

–*The Story of Antonin–the Littlest Supreme Court Judge Who Preferred Only Rigid Textual Interpretations of the Constitution and Rigorous Bright-Line Rules Of Clearly Defined Legal Standard–and His Pet Pony Ubu.

–*The Israeli Government Only Wants Your Money and Weapons, Not Your Love … and Other Tales Of the Near East

–*The Soul-Crushing Empiricism of Scottish Philosopher David Hume as Related By Barney The Dinosaur

–*Why The Girl In the Online Singles Ad Always Disappears When You Click On Her … and Other Harsh Realities of Life For Preteens.

–*The Girl Who Wore Only Black Because It Matched The Horrible Vacuum In Her Soul

–*The Marriage of Heaven and Hell: A Blakean Nightmare From the Veggie-Tales

–*Elmo Guides You Through Your First Menstruation

–*Horton Hears A 48-Hour Filibuster

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Madoff Says His Only Goal Was To Make People Happy

Posted in Business, Business and the Economy, Fake news, Satire, tagged , , , , on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Monday, January 05, 2009)

Bernard Madoff Confesses That Ponzi Scheme Was Motivated By Need To Make People Happy

New York (AP) Disgraced money manager Bernard Madoff admitted this week that his sole motivation in setting up a giant Ponzi scheme, one that defrauded investors of $50 billion, was just to make people happy.

“I love to see people smile, and nothing does so more than guaranteed 10% annual returns,” Madoff confessed. “Oh sure, it looks like a mistake now, but you should have been here when Gladys McKetchum of Woodmere, N.Y. got her first statement in 1999 and realized she could retire in style. Her smile was like riding a rainbow. I thought: making people gush with joy is why we got into this business in the first place, isn’t it?'”

Madoff is accused of setting up a giant scheme to defraud investors by paying off the returns of old clients with new investors’ proceeds. A bank call on his fund, however, eventually caused his scheme to unravel and he had to admit to federal investigators that most of the money was simply gone.

“At first, I was doing it just because I wasn’t sure what to invest in,” said Madoff. “Then after a while, I just liked the feeling I got when I told some widow or some endowment or some charity that’s trying to cure AIDS that their investment had hit the boffo 10% annual return yet again for another year. It’s like you are spreading sunshine and giving people hope. I’ve got to tell you, giving gives you such a good feeling, that whatever it is, they ought to bottle it.”

“I hope hell hounds spend eternity eating his bowels,” said Grace Trombley who lost her life savings with Madoff. “Now I’m working at 7-11 in the 11-7 a.m. slot cleaning toilets. I hope his face is eaten by a demoness whose lower extremities are made out of screeching dogs.”

Madoff said that he’s enjoyed making people happy for as far back as he can remember. Among other things, he likes to flatter and tell stories and regale people in his lush houses.

“I like to use what I call the think system,” he said. “I’ve always believed that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

“I remember a time when we used to cover people like him with molten black pitch that would disfigure him and rip off flesh and hair,” said Leslie Williams, a 90-year-old pensioner from south Florida. “I don’t see why we should treat him any better today.”

As a crowd of seething investors ripped off by Madoff gathered to protest in December, his wife Ruth came forward.

“Shame on you people!” she said. “Don’t you remember what this town was like before Bernard Madoff came? Do you? And after he came. Suddenly there were things to do and people to see and people to go out of your way for.”

Madoff said that what he wants most to be remembered for is letting people know that there is something more important than money in this life.

“It’s about dreams, this business,” he said as he faced years and years in prison. “It’s not just about 10% guaranteed annual returns, because let’s face it–there’s no such thing. Instead, it’s about people being able to dream. To believe in things and have high hopes. It’s about the kid with a quarter in his pocket who wants to open a bubble gum factory. It’s about the man who wants to retire to Florida and buy a boat and spend his days fishing. It’s about the man who wants a better life for his immigrant family. That’s what I most hope I gave briefly to all of these people I so ably defrauded.”

FBI agent Laura Gunderson had a tear in her eye as Madoff read his statement.

“We all have to hold onto our dreams,” she said. “I think that’s the idea Bernie Madoff has given me more than anything else. But if you’ll excuse me, I have to take this sad sorry fucker to jail now.”

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New Year’s Resolutions

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Sunday, January 04, 2009)

What are some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions?

–*To not be so extreme about our emotions when we’re bombing civilians.

–*To not rush into another marriage with Uma Thurman.

–*To admit to myself that dressing up the dog won’t fix my childhood.

–*To kill people who use dangling infinitives.

–*To try and extend those long quiet moments before I require more drama to at least 10 minutes.

–*To go on a hunger strike until they’ve put the Hudson Brothers show back into syndication

–*To use powers of intense concentration to make my sperm swim faster

–*To become Shia LaBeouf and replace all other Shia LaBeoufs

–*To flip over a table at the end of the music video to show that something has really changed

–*To stop relying on emotional crutches like anti-depressants and my colostomy bag

–*To finally do something about this 12-year-old, hard-to-close abdominal wound

–*To revive my career and become the Winona Ryder that America loves again

–*To stop inhibiting Gretchen Mol’s career with my constant barrage of negative mental energy.

–*To eat 50 eggs.

–*To give something back to the world by paying for more of the porn I watch.

–*To reduce my carbon footprint by destroying my neighbor’s car.

–*To respect the secrecy of the best-selling book “The Secret” by not reading it.

–*To dance!

–*To kill the hostages.

–*To build a bridge to my inevitable non-existence with hours and hours of television.

–*To eat and eat like a motherfucker.

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What’s Keeping Our Marriages Together?

Posted in Relationships, tagged , , on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Saturday, January 03, 2009)

–*The mortgage

–*The cat

–*We know each other’s worst secrets

–*We share a mutual narcissism that is part of an evolutionary need to seek out like phenotypes.

–*Divorce is too costly

–*The wedding cost so much and it was really only a year ago. Besides, we’re too afraid of death to be alone.

–*Duh, the INS is still watching!

–*Child No. 4 might be a keeper.

–*If you weren’t enabling me in my drinking habit, what else could your life possibly mean?

–*It’s good to have somebody to touch base with every once in a while at the swinger’s clubs.

–*It’s good to have somebody to touch base with in this large horrible vacuum of empty space called life.

–*All those shits back home said we’d never make it. We’ll show them.

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The Streamy Awards

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Friday, January 02, 2009 )

Hi all! Welcome to 2009. Stephanie and I are here to midwife you into the future with a totally self-serving plea for help!

If you have a mind to, you can nominate the Retributioners for the Streamy Awards, which honors outstanding achievements for broadband Web shows.

To nominate us, and for more information, go here.

There are a LOT of categories to consider us for, but in particular, consider us for:

Best Comedy Web Series – The Retributioners

Best Writing for a Comedy Web Series – Eric Rasmussen

Best Female Actor for a Comedy Web Series – Stephanie Faith Scott

Best Guest Star in a Web Series – PICK YOUR FAVORITE or nominate YOURSELF if you were in it!!!!!

You can see a list of ALL the guest stars on our web site here.

Thanks for your help!

[Editor’s note: as of February 2009, the Streamy Award nominations are closed, but we want to thank everyone who nominated us!]

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Best of 2008

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2009| Leave a Comment »

(Originally posted Thursday, January 01, 2009 )

I wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year, and cover some of the highlights of 2008:

–*Jeanine Walsh and husband Brad Stimpl of Olympia, Washington have stopped using Scope and have switched forever to a generic mouthwash to save money.

–*Quite a few people who believe in UFOs saw them in January in Texas, bringing UFO sightings up 66% for those who believe in UFOs.

–*The U.S. presidential election drew to a dramatic close in September when it was revealed that John McCain had picked an unqualified Polar Bear-killing baby factory to be his vice president.

–*The film “4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days” won the Palm d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival. Meanwhile, 59-year-old Margie Wilkenstein of Duluth, Minn. has stopped menstruating.

–*An Amazon.com poster blows the lid off the scandal of the century, creating a peer-based anecdotal study that people who read books are all liberal.

–*American 9-year-olds hold a summit in which they plan to secede from the union unless the Jonas Brothers are made president.

–*CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer is visited during election night by correspondent Jessica Yellin in a 3D hologram. However, she quickly collapses and dies when she is betrayed by a traitor in the Matrix and unplugged.

–*The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, is applauded by politicians of both parties for his alleged selling of appointments and political favors. Whereas most people would do it scurrilously under the table, Blagojevich seemed to have had the courage to demand that people should fucking pay him if they want to be U.S. senator.

–*Jesse Fallin of Tulsa stopped peeing blood.

–*Americans went to the polls in October and boldly elected a half-white president.

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