Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, January 01, 2009 )

I wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year, and cover some of the highlights of 2008:

–*Jeanine Walsh and husband Brad Stimpl of Olympia, Washington have stopped using Scope and have switched forever to a generic mouthwash to save money.

–*Quite a few people who believe in UFOs saw them in January in Texas, bringing UFO sightings up 66% for those who believe in UFOs.

–*The U.S. presidential election drew to a dramatic close in September when it was revealed that John McCain had picked an unqualified Polar Bear-killing baby factory to be his vice president.

–*The film “4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days” won the Palm d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival. Meanwhile, 59-year-old Margie Wilkenstein of Duluth, Minn. has stopped menstruating.

–*An Amazon.com poster blows the lid off the scandal of the century, creating a peer-based anecdotal study that people who read books are all liberal.

–*American 9-year-olds hold a summit in which they plan to secede from the union unless the Jonas Brothers are made president.

–*CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer is visited during election night by correspondent Jessica Yellin in a 3D hologram. However, she quickly collapses and dies when she is betrayed by a traitor in the Matrix and unplugged.

–*The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, is applauded by politicians of both parties for his alleged selling of appointments and political favors. Whereas most people would do it scurrilously under the table, Blagojevich seemed to have had the courage to demand that people should fucking pay him if they want to be U.S. senator.

–*Jesse Fallin of Tulsa stopped peeing blood.

–*Americans went to the polls in October and boldly elected a half-white president.