Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Thursday, January 08, 2009)

New York (API) — You had an absolutely awful Christmas, according to the International Council of Economic Indicators. The group reckons that the Christmas holiday season in 2008 was plagued by lower trending retail sales, especially at such big box retailers as Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club. And that means holiday joy was at a distressingly low ebb.

“Lower sales at Wal-Mart automatically means less holiday mirth,” said council president Jed Hammerstein. “We never know exactly how much depression and gloom there is at Christmas until the ghastly retail figures roll in. Now we know for sure.”

Among the indicators the council tracks: mirth was down 80%; cheer was down 52%; goodwill toward fellow man was down 39%; exuberance was off 19%; ebullience was at an all-time low, having fallen 70%. There was also much less milk of kindness, which was down 47% And there was a 68% decline in holiday egg nog buzz.

“Wow,” said Cher Brewster of Fort Wayne, Ind. “I had no idea how depressed I was at Christmas until now. I thought I was having a good time, singing Christmas carols and whatnot. But I guess I was in denial. How could we have all been so wrong?”

“I always feel a little sad at Christmas,” said Wayne Corbett, a truck diver from Phoenix. “I thought it was mildly recurring seasonal depression. Now I know it was all related to the lack of results from President Bush’s fiscal stimulus package.”

Sales from all over the retail spectrum sank–whether it was Wal-Mart, Neiman Marcus, J.C. Penney’s, Kohl’s or Macy’s. Analysts say that rising unemployment, the econony and a lack of consumer confidence were the likely culprits.

“Oh sure, people sang and gave homemade gifts and put up trees,” said Hammerstein. “But numbers don’t lie. Statistically, you had the most awful, shitty Christmas ever. We can only hope you will never have a Christmas like this one ever again.”