Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Tuesday, November 11, 2008 )

2 CBS
The Mentalist uses his razor sharp powers of human observation to notice that a young female cop is playing with her hair, which means she’s probably into him. Sarah Palin guest stars.

2 CBS
Heidi Montag, accused of having no talent, goes on a prime time sitcom to prove categorically that she has no talent. Sarah Palin guest stars.

3 Fox

This new show has got you all beat. It’s a cross between “The X-Files,” “Medium,” “Altered States,” “The Twilight Zone” and three or four cheesy David Copperfield specials.

5 ABC
Dancing With a Hard-To-Close Open Wound

6 Bravo
Real Housewives of New York with Real Pediculosis Pubis. Guest starring one or both of the Coreys.

7 QVC
When Mormons Wearing Synthetic Fibers Attack

10 CNN
Wolf Blitzer speaks to a hologram of Sarah Palin. In three dimensions she’s not just cute. She’s downright huggable.

11 NBC
Guest star Sarah Palin visits in the ER and, over the objections of the chief surgeon, performs an emergency PPPD–including the removal of the gall bladder, the duodendum and the head of the pancreas–even though she’s not remotely qualified.

12 PBS
If you bleep out the right words, it’s like the Count is saying he wants to f#*$ all day.

14 Soap
All My Children: Why is Kendall so much more fuckable with a head bandage?

15 History Channel
A look at when doomsday might happen and other irresponsible, time-wasting uses of this “educational” channel.

15 History Channel
In fact, this channel, which should be teaching me about the Mongol Empire or something like that, seems to have become some sort of rat trap/no-pest-strip for crazy Christian “end of days” people who are coming over here after getting themselves wound up watching serial killer shows on CBS. You know, the gun-stroking/fetish/death drive/infantilization crowd.

15 History Channel
Guess what? Sarah Palin’s here!

16 Headline News
Barack Obama makes announcements about how he is going to handle his awful, awful, awful new job.

17 HBO
Is it me, or are the guys on “Entourage” acting extra douchey this year?

18 Cinemax
Clitty Todd

19 Showtime
A new original series. Bet you’ve never seen this fluid in a prime time cable show before.

20 MTV
“In The Mouth or in the Ass?” A despicable new game show with Danny Bonaduce.

21 VH-1
Mr. Science Jeff Conaway takes you on a personal journey through the Freudian phenomenon known as “compulsion to repeat.”

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(Originally posted Sunday, November 09, 2008 )

Sorry for the slack postings of late. I had family visiting, and then my wife and I celebrated our fifth anniversary today. If you didn’t hear enough joy from this end that Obama won the election, then I was simply too happy to type.

We’re dreaming up new Retributioners. Hope you all are happy and healthy.

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(Originally posted Sunday, November 09, 2008 )

What Web 2.0 Functions Are Brand New On the Scene?

–*TwitPicking

–*TwitteryBerrying

–*Twit Bumping

–*Twitty Twister

–*Twit Twack Twat

–*Tweeting

–*Deep Tweeting

–*Super Fisting

–*Twirhl Rimming

–*Super Clam Bumping

–*TweetDecking

–*Tweet Tweetdeck’s Badass Song

–*Twitter in the Front, Poker in the Back

–*Twitteriffic with Extreme Prejudice

–*Elbow-Deep Twitter-binning

–*Rimmerroo

–*DeepDisby

–*O.J. Friender

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(Originally posted Friday, November 07, 2008 )

Jackson, Miss. (AP) In a stunning blow to Democrats around the nation, incumbent U.S. Senator Roger Wicker of Mississippi edged out challenger Ronnie Musgrove three days ago, Fox News continues to report.

“This was a clear message to voters,” said Karl Rove, Fox pundit and former deputy White House chief of staff. “The Democrats poured a lot of money into the state, but they could not shake the convictions of these salt of the Earth people. These poor, poor, shoeless people.”

Despite a concerted effort by Democrats, a get-out-the-vote drive well-lubricated with millions of dollars from the national Democratic senate campaign committee, Mississippians delivered a fatal blow to Musgrove and helped quash the hopes of party leaders trying to win a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, Fox News belabored. That effort against Musgrove signaled the resilient conservative conviction of these dirt-poor, daub-and-wattle house dwellers and bottom feeders.

“What the Democrats got wrong this week is that we are a center-right nation,” said Fred Barnes of Mississippi. “This stunning blow to their agenda is going to send them reeling, as they consistently underestimated the religious beliefs of Mississippians, people who regularly score at the bottom of the national standardized tests.”

Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol concurred.

“This victory tells us again what Americans already know: There is no health care crisis. The economy is sound. Americans don’t want liberals to ‘spread the wealth.’ We can all follow the example of Mississippians who bravely resist this government intervention in their lives and thus on principle live in abject, reeking poverty.”

“These people’s belief in Jesus cannot be diminished or expunged,” said Barnes. “They walk around without shoes like he does. They live among crumbling infrastructure like he did.”

Brit Hume asked fellow anchor Chris Wallace if this stunning defeat meant the end of the Democratic Party.

“It’s hard to say,” said Wallace. “We see a lot of anger out there. Anger from people who have spoken and demanded their right for lower taxes and freedom from socialist tendencies. Those Democrats who are winning are benefiting mostly from a perfect storm of bad economic news … and other acts of God. Their temptation is to use this opportunity to push forth an aggressive, radical agenda. But Musgrove’s defeat on Tuesday will likely have helped roll that back.”

Wallace added that Mississippians had simply been unlikely to fall for Democratic rhetoric, “grievance politics,” he called it, because the state’s citizens are more by-the-bootstraps kinds of people, those who are unafraid to go to work and hew to their conservative principles despite bouncing around the bottommost rankings in wealth, economic growth, literacy, health care, obesity, childhood poverty, and death by firearm.

“If these people in their god-loving trailers haven’t shown the American spirit in its purest distilled conservative form I’ll flash my bum in Macy’s window,” said Rove. “This is a great day for Republicans and a great day for Americans.”

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(Originally posted Wednesday, November 05, 2008 )

2008 Election Live Blog

6 p.m. A traditionally Republican state, Indiana, is not called early, as rock-ribbed conservatives have seemingly weighed their dearly held convictions against the inconvenient fact that they are all now jobless.

6:15 Many Republican pundits acknowledge repeatedly that Barack Obama has run a brilliant ground campaign. They will say this in a slightly pejorative manner, the same way they say the words “community organizer,” “French” and “fecal matter.”

6:17 Republican ground campaigners continue to assess Sarah Palin as a brilliant VP choice right up until they hit the ground in a big splatter of blood, viscera and spine.

6:18 Republican pundits say Palin was at a disadvantage because of the limited amount of time she had to win people over. Well whose fucking fault was that?

6:30 Fox News sees only one Senate Democrat in trouble, Mary Landrieu in Louisiana, and thus circle around her like a clutch of hyenas around a wounded lioness. “We’ll be watching that very carefully,” says Brit Hume, his face covered with slobber.

7:00 Fox calls the Georgia Senate race for Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss very very very early.

7:50 McCain loses Ohio, but he’s still the winner in Grandpa Henry’s house.

8:00 Pennsylvania goes to Obama. Thanks, racists!

8:15 Fox News reminds viewers that Pennsylvania voters were angry at Obama for his religious comments and that’s why he won the state in two seconds.

8:16 Joe the Plumber, as a real American, announces that he’s now a cheese-eating Canadian pansy.

8:30 Eighty percent of those in exit polls said that when John McCain offered change, they thought he likely meant the pocket kind.

8:35 The New York Times’ interactive map reminds New Yorkers that Staten Island is a red state and that there is no reason to go there except for the nice ferry cruise.

8:45 Fox News reminds its viewers that you still have time to run to the polls and stop Democrats from ramming through a communist agenda that will land us all in re-education camps eating rice and beetles.

9:35 Bill Kristol on Fox predicts that Obama is too smart to go ultra-far-left in his cabinet appointments. You can read that as a veiled threat rather than an admission of guilt that George Bush, who had what could charitably be called less than a mandate in 2000, stocked his cabinet with the craziest right wingers he could find.

9:38 There’s already talk about what an obnoxious amount of power Joe Lieberman is going to have as a right-leaning independent.

9:45 Karl Rove insists on Fox News that the country is center right and doesn’t want the people they seem to be voting into office in record numbers.

9:49 Reality check: we’ve still got a Supreme Court that won’t protect you if a corporation cheats you, underpays you, or gives you gangrene.

10:00 Many interactive charts show you exactly where race was an issue in the voting, along with county precinct charts showing you exactly where the racists live and what dark alleys you can find them hanging around in.

10:20 Polls find that men in the red states are voting for McCain while more women are voting for Obama, which means somebody’s not getting laid tonight.

11:10 Barack Obama wins presidency. Fox News declares victory for Republicans in Mississippi Senate race.

11:23 John McCain concedes race but declares victory inasmuch as George Bush is no longer in office and wreaking havoc.

11:24 Sarah Palin is thanked for her contribution. This thanks comes doubly from Democrats.

11:25 McCain supporters chant “Mrraaw mraww mraaww….”

11:31 Barack won! Americans to conceive millions of babies tonight!

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(Originally posted Tuesday, November 04, 2008 )

As Americans rush to the polls across the nation to cast their ballots, why have some been turned away from the voting booths?

–*They violated the the 24-hour standing rule.

–*They had improper fish and game registration

–*They violated the 24 Hour Uncategorizable Hispanic Rule

–*They violated state laws against sharing names with famous serial killers

–*They violated the bad handwriting rule.

–*They violated the effete liberal rule.

–*They wore T-shirts that said “I participated in the charade that is our democracy today.”

–*They admitted they didn’t know who the candidates were or what the issues are, but had only submitted to peer pressure and thus slunk away peaceably when shamed away from the polling stations.

–*They had been purged from the rolls for having more than one address or for looking like migrant workers.

–*They demanded the free Starbucks coffee they had been promised.

–*They were told they must be looking for the OTHER election.

–*There were too many of them, and they were told it wouldn’t matter anyway since Obama was probably going to win.

–*They had moved across the street into a new voting district, which means they are likely flaky people anyway and not fit to participate in representative democracy.

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(Originally posted Sunday, November 02, 2008 )

–*Polymorphously perverse female Republican Fox News wonk who’s sensitive and slutty wherever you touch her

–*Jack the gay copy machine attendant with Asperger’s syndrome

–*Crazy Scab Man

–*Ann Coulter with Kuato

–*Naked Gov. Schwarzenegger

–*Bi-Curious George

–*Homeless man with Zima bottle

–*Sarah Palin and Zombie Moose

–*An impossible-to-value collateralized debt obligation

–*Naked man with bucket and IPhone

–*Fugitive-from-justice turkey

–*Man covered with zeroes

–*Richard Gephardt in a box

–*Greta Van Susteren Botox accident

–*Captain Ahab and the Dreaded White Crab

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(Originally posted Thursday, October 30, 2008 )

What Weird Super Hero Titles Are Coming Out?

Superman: Dark Legacy

Batman: The Cryptic Knight

Spider-Man: Breath of Shadows

The Hulk: Can of Cream Corn

Iron Man: The Little Milk Squirting Steely Dan

The Thing: The Void of Follicles

Plasticman: Spell Checker

Aquaman: Waves of Mildly Recurring Dysthymia

Thor: Seasonal Affect Disorder

Captain America: Shadow of Neurodegenerative Disease with Demyelination

The Fantastic Four: Group Grope

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(Originally posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 )

Nashville, Tenn. (AP) The two white supremacists accused of plotting to assassinate presidential candidate Barack Obama were extremely disorganized, and so dumb it is a surprise they were drawing air, say federal law enforcement agents close to the case. What’s more, their scheme suffered from ill-conceived theatrics including half-baked costumes, an incompetent execution strategy with no follow-through, poor planning and what police say was a “really half-assed” political message.

“I’ve got to tell you, in all my years, I have yet to see a more atrocious and frankly stupid duo,” said a federal agent who asked not to be named. “I used to think the movie Dumb and Dumber was really far-fetched. My skin is really crawling at how stupid these two were. It makes me cold.”

Among the other things the suspects Paul Schlesselman and Dan Cowert had allegedly planned was to carry out their dastardly deed dressed top to bottom in tuxedos and top hats.

“All I can say is, ‘concept overload,'” said local theater director Wayne Smitty.

“I don’t know about you, but the frog in the Warner Brothers cartoons trying to assassinate somebody comes to mind,” said an FBI source. “It’s just too surreal.”

Another big mistake, say authorities, was for the alleged plotters to “draw Swastikas on the side of their car and brag to all their friends ‘We’re going to kill Barack Obama and 88 other black people.’ Maybe they realize now that was a stupid move.”

“I’m no scientist,” said Travis Country Sheriff Buck Donohue. “But most master criminals might tell you it’s wiser to be a little bit circumspect if you’re going to plot a big crime. Telling everybody you’re going to do it beforehand when you’re all out at Pizza Hut is pretty ass-backward. That’s rule No. 1.”

Among other problems, the conspirators were extremely disorganized. The plot several times broke up because the two men failed in practice robberies-one in which a dog scared them away.

“They can’t even outwit a dog,” said Dr. Stephen Hawking. “This is a big step back for all of us.”

“There’s a saying we have in business,” said Marvin Pietre, a group leader at IBM, “Prior planning prevents poor performance. Frankly, though, I think that kind of reasoning would be lost on these two, the kind of guys who would bite their own hands off to get out of a bear trap.”

Scientists agree that something was terribly wrong with the two plotters.

“The human brain has been expanding over millions of years and now takes up one-fifth of the energy of the entire human body,” said evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins. “I have nothing to say about these two people.”

Schlesselman, who dropped out of high school, was often known to go into chat rooms and write, “Me and my friends are ‘racist’s.'”

“He doesn’t even know how to properly use an apostrophe,” said local high school English teacher Beth McGreedy. “I mean, is it really likely he was going to be able to map out Obama’s campaign routes? We’re not talking about a sophisticated international group like in Die Hard here.”

McGreedy agreed with Hawking.

“I’ve been sitting up all night trying to think like a stupid person and for the life of me I can’t figure out where the tuxedos came in. Just trying to crawl into these two criminals’ minds for two minutes has left me feeling cold and alienated from other human beings.”

“This is probably the greatest hope we have that maybe the people in this country who are so consumed with evil and hatred might also be thwarted by their own mind-boggling stupidity,” said Rev. Jesse Jackson. “We’ll just have to cross our fingers.”

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