Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Wednesday, November 05, 2008 )

2008 Election Live Blog

6 p.m. A traditionally Republican state, Indiana, is not called early, as rock-ribbed conservatives have seemingly weighed their dearly held convictions against the inconvenient fact that they are all now jobless.

6:15 Many Republican pundits acknowledge repeatedly that Barack Obama has run a brilliant ground campaign. They will say this in a slightly pejorative manner, the same way they say the words “community organizer,” “French” and “fecal matter.”

6:17 Republican ground campaigners continue to assess Sarah Palin as a brilliant VP choice right up until they hit the ground in a big splatter of blood, viscera and spine.

6:18 Republican pundits say Palin was at a disadvantage because of the limited amount of time she had to win people over. Well whose fucking fault was that?

6:30 Fox News sees only one Senate Democrat in trouble, Mary Landrieu in Louisiana, and thus circle around her like a clutch of hyenas around a wounded lioness. “We’ll be watching that very carefully,” says Brit Hume, his face covered with slobber.

7:00 Fox calls the Georgia Senate race for Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss very very very early.

7:50 McCain loses Ohio, but he’s still the winner in Grandpa Henry’s house.

8:00 Pennsylvania goes to Obama. Thanks, racists!

8:15 Fox News reminds viewers that Pennsylvania voters were angry at Obama for his religious comments and that’s why he won the state in two seconds.

8:16 Joe the Plumber, as a real American, announces that he’s now a cheese-eating Canadian pansy.

8:30 Eighty percent of those in exit polls said that when John McCain offered change, they thought he likely meant the pocket kind.

8:35 The New York Times’ interactive map reminds New Yorkers that Staten Island is a red state and that there is no reason to go there except for the nice ferry cruise.

8:45 Fox News reminds its viewers that you still have time to run to the polls and stop Democrats from ramming through a communist agenda that will land us all in re-education camps eating rice and beetles.

9:35 Bill Kristol on Fox predicts that Obama is too smart to go ultra-far-left in his cabinet appointments. You can read that as a veiled threat rather than an admission of guilt that George Bush, who had what could charitably be called less than a mandate in 2000, stocked his cabinet with the craziest right wingers he could find.

9:38 There’s already talk about what an obnoxious amount of power Joe Lieberman is going to have as a right-leaning independent.

9:45 Karl Rove insists on Fox News that the country is center right and doesn’t want the people they seem to be voting into office in record numbers.

9:49 Reality check: we’ve still got a Supreme Court that won’t protect you if a corporation cheats you, underpays you, or gives you gangrene.

10:00 Many interactive charts show you exactly where race was an issue in the voting, along with county precinct charts showing you exactly where the racists live and what dark alleys you can find them hanging around in.

10:20 Polls find that men in the red states are voting for McCain while more women are voting for Obama, which means somebody’s not getting laid tonight.

11:10 Barack Obama wins presidency. Fox News declares victory for Republicans in Mississippi Senate race.

11:23 John McCain concedes race but declares victory inasmuch as George Bush is no longer in office and wreaking havoc.

11:24 Sarah Palin is thanked for her contribution. This thanks comes doubly from Democrats.

11:25 McCain supporters chant “Mrraaw mraww mraaww….”

11:31 Barack won! Americans to conceive millions of babies tonight!