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Today In History

August 11, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

What happened on this day in history, August 11?

–*In 335 A.D., Claudius Silvanus, in a remote hiding place, and not having the benefit of modern telephones or e-mail, fails to realize he’s been declared innocent of treason against the Roman Empire at trial, and so commits actual treason by declaring himself emperor.

–*In 2001, George Bush continues three-month long summer vacation.

–*In 1999, Amanda Jeffers, a college student in Des Moines, Iowa, declares to her mother that “let’s agree to disagree” is the lamest debate tactic ever used, and that her mother must concede her point.

–*In 1919, the Weimar Republic adopts its constitution, which its framers call the finest beacon of Democracy ever made, one that will likely last forever and ever.

–*In 1898, U.S troops enter the city of Mayaguez, Puerto Rico, freeing that city from … um … imperialism.

–*In 1965, The Watts Riots begin, launching several days of playful shenanigans and tomfoolery after cops have a comical “wanh-wanh” moment with a black motorist.

–*In 1994, 14-year-old student Tom K. Brim declares his julienned potatoes “taste like ass.” His bowdlerizing of the phrase “taste like my ass” is widely declared by linguists to be the beginnings of a coup in scatological slang.

–*In 1988, a fledgling group called Al-Qaeda is formed whose early club membership rules include being a good listener and having good manners.

–*1929, Babe Ruth hits his 500th home run in Cleveland, Ohio, in what we must simply hope was not due to performance enhancing drugs injected into his belly.

–*In 1956, the end of painter Jackson Pollock’s life in a car wreck turns out to be a messy and difficult-to-understand affair.

–*In 430 B.C., “Father of History” Herodotus invents “This Day In History” segments.

Posted in Almanac, Life | Tagged , | Leave a Comment »

I Sure Wish I Had A John Hughes Film To Get Me Through John Hughes’ Death

August 9, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

Like a lot of you Gen Xers, I have been feeling down since hearing the horrible news Thursday about the death of John Hughes, the creator of the “Acne Film” genre, the man who brought the Brat Pack into national consciousness and made America laugh at our growing pains. That may sound like a brief list of accomplishments, but of course, it doesn’t quite sum up the man’s enormous influence.

Because John Hughes was not just a jokesmith in such great classic ’80s films as “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” “The Breakfast Club,” and “Sixteen Candles.” He was more than that. He offered us a mirror on our teen lives. He not only accurately portrayed our pain with humor, he made us aware of how we were all simply playing parts in our own teen drama, and thus helped us transcend it. He did so with a keen eye for sexual mores, class divisions and pastels.

So, oh how I wish I had John Hughes here now to get me through my sadness. How I wish I could go through this melancholy with a Duckie or a Farmer Ted or a Jake or Watts or Amanda Jones. Or get a warm, loving talk from a portly, single, self-righteous and perhaps half-drunk working-class Dad. How I wish I could commiserate with a former high school cheerleader, and that we could cry together until, I don’t know—maybe she started kissing me and took her shirt off. How I wish I could be comforted by a wise member of building maintenance.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we had a John Hughes movie—perhaps one called “Dad’s Dead, Now What?”—to help us go through the steps of mourning in a humorous and thoughtful way?

Of course it would be full of stock characters, like adolescent cousin Joey, who has 80 facial piercings and offers us many seemingly cruel wisecracks about death—because in doing so he somehow helps us reflect on the inevitability of our own demise.

Or wouldn’t it be great to have jocky straight-laced older brother Aaron there to be judgmental about the rest of us and act like a total douchebag at just the wrong moments?

Wouldn’t it be great if Grandma Leslie showed up and threatened a lawsuit over some 40-year-old debt for a student loan she never got paid back? Wouldn’t it be great if one sister resented another sister for crying too loud at the funeral and making a big show of it? Wouldn’t it be great to have a Vietnamese foster child there named Flik Mai Bic?

Or wouldn’t it be great if distraught, aging uncle Ernie brought a whore to the funeral? I’m pretty sure that Kelly LeBrock is available for that.

Or perhaps one of the younger siblings could use his grief to get a high school cheerleader into bed. If only John Hughes were here, he could tell us: Worse things have been done by people at funerals.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a John Hughes movie unless we added a song by Oingo Boingo, destroyed a very expensive car and threw a high school principal out a window.

It could be a tragedy or a comedy. Or both. Life is like that.

Yes, there was pretty much no other way for a lot of us to get through adolescence, young adulthood and then parenthood without the guiding hand of Mr. Hughes. This is the greatest tragedy of his death. He taught us how to get along, but not how to get along without him.

Now we go off on our own, as awkward as new hatchlings, stumbling about in a world we will have to function within according to our own desires, flaws, idiosyncrasies, defense mechanisms and projections. At least I’ll know what to do when Oingo Boingo starts playing: I will dance.

Posted in Film & TV, Life, Music | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

What’s On TV Tonight, Aug. 7

August 7, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

2 CBS

Survivor: America. The contestants go five years in the U.S. without affordable health care.

3 ABC

Bachelorette: The Outbreak

4 NBC

It’s too late to force Michael Jackson to make a psychological breakthrough, but we can still try to get him to confess his sins in rerun interviews.

10 CNN

Larry King is delighted by this uncompromising blonde woman.

13 PBS

Frontline offers a lot of indisputable facts, then profiles a group that disputes them.

14 TNN

Does my monster truck feel pain? A TNN exclusive.

15 MSNBC

A principled anchor spends 10 minutes explaining why she’s not going to do a thirty-second news story about Paris Hilton.

17 Discovery Channel

“Blowhole!” a show either about blue whales or about six young women forced to live in a Ft. Lauderdale condo. We’re not sure yet from the TV listing, nor, apparently, have the show’s creators made up their minds.

20 TNT

“Everybody Loves Raymond”

21 E! Entertainment

“Everybody Has Loved Winona Ryder.”

22 Vh-1

In a very sad “Pop-Up Video,” the “pop ups” turn out to be deadly, malignant buboes

23 Spike TV

“Grab Da Phone!” In a funny turn on “Punk’d” and “Candid Camera,” we videotape our roving correspondents beating people in the kneecaps and stealing their IPods.

25 Fox News

One of us. One of us. One of us.

26 HBO

“Everybody Loves Uncle Junior”

27 HBO 2

A show about why prostitutes do what they do. Yeah, I know, we’ve done it before, but this time we really really want to know. Seriously. We’re just curious about the subject.

30 ESPN

Sportscaster Erin Andrews returns to coverage.

31 Bravo

The “Real Housewives of New Jersey” this week teach us how to reduce a consommé and hide a gun in your vagina.

32 Cinemax

Movie: “500 Days of Hummers.”

Posted in Film & TV, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

Sex Slang

August 6, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

What professional terms are we turning into sexual slang at Urban Dictionary.com?

–*Walking the camel

–*Holding back your slurry walls

–*Putting on the kiln spurs

–*Caulking the ginger jar

–*Firing up the muffle

–*Abusing a cloture motion

–*Stirring the hummus

–*Cinching the throbbing mitral valve

–*Cheating out the face shot

–*Doping out the entrance bridge

–*Parsing the vulgar romance tongue

–*Fingering the choke

–*Mounting the accommodation ladder

–*Marlinspiking the tuna net

–*Double dipping on chest scans and butt shots

–*P-doping the conducting tube

–*Dead cat bouncing

Posted in Relationships | Leave a Comment »

Invasive Census Questions

August 5, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

According to news reports, some U.S. citizens feel that the new surveys being issued by the U.S. Census Bureau are too invasive and ask questions that violate people’s privacy. What are some of the questions being asked?

–*Do you have a mortgage?

–*Do you have adjustable rate mortgage?

–*Did you flee a house because you couldn’t pay the adjustable rate mortgage?

–*Are you at your sister’s now? Didn’t she predict this would happen?

–*Did you know when you showed up at your sister’s door that she would get that look, the one that says she’s disappointed in you?

–*Wouldn’t you like to smack her when she looks at you like that?

–*Do you own a car?

–*And by that I mean, do you have a car in your possession, even though you have no moral, legal or ethical right to one.

–*Does your penis hang to the left or to the right?

–*Do you have a name for your penis?

–*Is it Shemp?

–*When was the last time you gave somebody a hug?

–*Did it give you a boner?

–*Did it give them a boner?

–*When you arouse the attraction of the opposite sex, are you doing it on purpose, or are you totally innocent of the provocative manner in which you prance about like a tit?

–*Why should we believe you when you wear tops like that?

–*Do you like Brad Pitt?

–*Do you really think he knows who you are or gives a shit about you?

–*Do you see how stupid you’re acting with that obsession of yours, reading about him in People magazine and whatnot?

–*Are you stupid?

–*Are you an invalid?

–*Are you able to bathe yourself?

–*Even that hard to reach spot in the back?

–*If you don’t bathe yourself, who is doing it? How does he touch you? Is he tender? Do you give him time to be tender?

–*Are you ambidextrous or double jointed or limp wristed?

–*How long does it take you to get to work and how easy is it to masturbate in the bathroom there?

–*Can a smile make your day?

–*How about an abortion?

–*Do you eat organic fruit?

–*Why do you bother when someday the sun will envelop the Earth?

–*Have you ever ripped somebody’s arm off and beat him to death with the bloody stump? Would you not have the moral conviction to do so even if it were absolutely necessary? Explain.

–*What have you got against dwarfs? Be honest, now.

–*How have you personally made redress to the American Indian?

–*Is your sense of well-being and self-esteem wounded when you see pictures of Lance Armstrong on a bicycle?

–*If so, how much do you weigh?

–*Would you like some Twizzlers?

–*Would you like them right now?

–*Do you carpool, or do you just think “Fuck the environment”?

–*Have you ever shot yourself in the leg to get out of the Vietnam War or a bad family argument? How’d it work out?

–*Why can’t you say “I love you”?

–*On the other hand, how is it that you get away with saying “I love you” so easily?

Posted in Life, Politics | Leave a Comment »

Song From Avenue Q Confuses Kansas Karaoke Bar

August 4, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

Topeka, Kansas (API) Karaoke night was almost ruined Friday as two revelers in the local karaoke bar The Rubber Hose chose a song from Broadway musical “Avenue Q” for the night’s 11th number, a choice that sent many of the bar’s patron’s into befuddlement, grousing and ultimately acts of violence.

The two singers, Liz Miller and Melissa Snow, chose the song from the hit Broadway parody of Sesame Street because they had seen it on a recent trip to New York, but the number nearly brought the festivities to a screeching halt when several of the flummoxed patrons stood dead silent.

“I don’t know what those girls were singing,” said Ross McAdams, a middle manager at a nearby natural gas refining plant. “I was just coming off feeling real good about my “Hotel California” vocal and then these two girls come up with this shit.”

What made it worse, said local tax attorney Florence Halberstadt, is that the two girls picked a song called “Schadenfreude,” a word many of the patrons were unfamiliar with.

“I just don’t get what those two girls are singing,” said Halberstadt. “I came here to have fun. If I knew this was going to turn into some German song night I would have stayed home.”

“I don’t get it,” said Ed Chalmers, a plumber. “Are those two making fun of us?”

The crowd became increasingly pouty and dejected as the lyrics scrolled across the screen. Even though the song offers much helpful explication of the word “Schaudenfreude,” mainly through humorous contexts, the wit was largely lost on the crowd, many of whom turned angry and sour.

“It’s my birthday,” said Holly Knoxall, a local gym teacher. “It’s totally ruined now, all because a couple of no-goodniks think they’re better than we are.”

A winner of several Tony Awards, Avenue Q uses parodies of several Sesame Street characters to address mature themes like adult sexuality, racism and intolerance, mostly by having its characters espouse extreme viewpoints at odds with those of the artist’s true feelings.

“Specifically it’s called ‘irony,’” Liz Miller said to the crowd. “Get a clue, jerk-offs!”

But yet again, tackling of subject matter by having a character embrace the very viewpoint being satirized was something poorly understood by the crowd, many of whom were drinking Rolling Rock and smoking Camels and singing mostly songs by the Beach Boys, the Eagles and U2 and many of whom showed they were in absolutely no mood to be made to feel inferior.

“These two little ho bags are pissing me off,” said Harold Osprey, who ended the night yelling at his girlfriend and telling her, “Get in the car, bitch. If I stay, somebody’s going to get hurt.”

Having almost ended one of the song’s signature lines, “Fuck you lady, that’s what stairs are for,” Miller and Snow hoped the song might finally inspire a few belly laughs, but by that point, several of the patrons had started pushing each other at the bar and were no longer in any mood to laugh. Instead, it seemed blood sport would be the night’s game, and as the lone karaoke machine played “Schadenfreude, making the world a better place …” the atmosphere in the bar finally descended into shouts, flying beer bottles and fire.

Posted in Comedy, Entertainment, Music, Theater | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

How Are We Lying?

July 31, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

How are we lying about what we did last night?

–*Referring all questions to our lawyer. Even if we’re only 12.

–*Blaming our best friend by saying we were just covering for him.

–*Forging a plane ticket to Rio.

–*Fragging ourselves with a gunshot to the calf.

–*Breaking into our own house before the wife comes home and making it look like a robbery.

–*Saying, “You can’t ask me about my business, Kay.”

–*Saying that we’re secretly working for the CIA and so we can’t really tell you what we did last night.

–*Devising a confusing chart that is largely untrue and conjures up a lot of logistical connections that don’t make any sense. A chart much like the one Republicans are using to torpedo health care reform.

–*Just skipping the logistics and saying “Honey I would never hurt you. You’re my princess,” while backed by a Flamenco guitar player.

–*Just confessing outright that we’re gay, even if we aren’t, and working out the problems that might arise from that later.

–*Telling a half-truth–like the fact that we were feeling under the weather–to cover up the whole truth–that we were feeling under the weather because of the syphilis.

–*Keeping all four of our wives in separate barns when the gummint comes by and starts asking questions.

Posted in Life, Politics | Leave a Comment »

What Will The Rich Stop Doing?

July 28, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

What will wealthy people stop doing after shouldering higher taxes to pay for health care reform?

–*They’ll stop working

–*They’ll stop getting out of bed

–*They’ll stop innovating

–*They’ll stop investing in innovation with capital to make a return

–*They’ll stop eating

–*They’ll stop turning to their wives in their beds and saying, “Honey, I still love you after all these years.”

–*They’ll go back in time to the New Deal era of 1932 to 1981 and they won’t innovate there, either, which means computers, lasers, televisions, stereos and microwave ovens will not exist today and will never have existed.

–*They will no longer christen their yachts with pretentious names like “The Dreamer,” “The Storyteller,” and “St. Vitus’ Dance.”

–*They will not speak to you on the streets or reply to direct questions.

–*They will not have a coming out party for their youngest daughter Bitzi, who is a bit overweight and something of an embarrassment

–*They will stop investing in America and will retreat to safer environments for capitalism like Honduras.

–*They will stop showing the patriotism they have showed for 100 years by seeking tax loopholes, shuttling wealth offshore to bank accounts in Switzerland and the Bahamas and moving commoditized labor at their factories to Bombay.

–*They will not work with you shoulder to shoulder anymore in digging ditches and drilling for cobalt and frying up smolts.

–*They will no longer say they love you.

Posted in Politics | Leave a Comment »

What Does Your MP3 Shuffle Say About You?

July 27, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

What are some of the things we can tell about a person’s psychological makeup from their iPod or other portable media player?

–*If you still have three early Britney Spears hits, including “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” next to an ever-growing selection from The Circle Jerks, this suggests that part of you is holding onto childhood even as the cold hard slap of adult reality is causing you much anguish and bitterness.

–*Your huge collection of Frank Zappa songs suggests that you are an iconoclast with an independent streak and confidence. You are not a joiner, and prefer to problem solve rather than to work in groups. However, you also have a lot of hits by Queen, which all together suggests that you also have fascist tendencies and that you’d probably turn into Hitler in the right circumstances.

–*You have “Tom Dooley” by the Kingston Trio on your player, which means either that your dad has commandeered your player or you’re simply turning into him.

–*You have a lot of Stravinsky and Prokofiev—but also exactly four Good Charlotte songs, which means that you are a lawyer infatuated with somebody 10 years younger than you are.

–*You eschew all the early ABBA hits, but enjoy more bittersweet later efforts like “The Winner Takes It All,” which shows that you are world-weary but still searching. Also, you’re on the Subway diet.

–*Your player is loaded with nothing but Top 40 hits by Beyonce, Chris Daughtry, Katy Perry and Pink. You love to laugh and enjoy the moments of your life. You reject a life of needless complications. You enjoy people and their differences and don’t apologize for yourself. Also, there is a very good chance you are 13 years old.

–*Your voluminous collection of Snoop Doggy Dogg songs next to your collection of all the music from hit Broadway musical “Hair” suggests that, at age 60, you’re still not coping with motherhood very well.

–*You have a lot of country songs in French, which can mean only one thing: you’re from Canada.

–*Your player has a substantial amount of music from Joy Division, Nirvana, AC/DC, Nick Drake, Elliott Smith, Phil Ochs, Darby Crash and Wendy O. Williams. You are the fifth child in a family from Utah.

–*Your love of telegenic New Wave band Duran Duran is undiminished after 25 years, and you have all their songs on your MP3 player. When speaking with people, you can’t hear “V’s” or “F’s,” and high-pitched sounds tend to get lost.

–*You have every song Neil Young ever recorded on your iPod. You are stalking Neil Young.

–*Your inclusion of NWA’s “Fuck Tha Police,” shows your resistance to authority figures and your rebellious streak. It is likely you have this on your iPod if you are 1) a repressed black teenager unable to express your pent up rage; 2) a frustrated, hormonal rich white kid unable to express your pent up rage; 3) a police officer with an asshole sergeant unable to express your pent up rage; 4) a lawyer infatuated with someone 10 years younger than you are.

–*If you have lots of Blue Oyster Cult, the Doobie Brothers, Steppenwolf and Jimi Hendrix on your player, there must be some mistake. You only listen to music on vinyl, and the only reason you’re here is that you stole somebody’s iPod after killing him in a bad crystal meth deal.

–*If your shuffle comes up with Britney Spears, the Doobie Brothers, the Beatles, Blue Oyster Cult, the Velvet Underground, Prokofiev, Sonic Youth, Buddy Holly, NWA, Hank Williams, Robert Johnson and the Bee Gees, then you like music too much. You spend all your time thinking about it to the detriment of other activities and interests. You are hip to the point of being solipsistic. Who in the hell do you think you are?

Posted in Music | Leave a Comment »

Fan Fiction Sites

July 25, 2009 by Eric Rasmussen

Many “fan fiction” sites have popped up on the Internet in which popular television characters from film, television and books are cast in new adventures written by fans.

What are some of the popular “fan fiction” sites out there?

–*Xena, That Time of the Month

–*The Adventures of Han Solo & Chewie’s Spare Parts Store

–* Rerun From “What’s Happening?” And His Adventures in the Illegal Hunting of Minke Whales in the Southern Ocean Sanctuary

–*Ross & Rachel confront the sexy hermaphrodite babysitter

–*Law & Order: Upstairs landlord Mr. Roper still thinks Detective Mike Logan is gay.

–*Mr. Spock and the hilarious masturbation contest

–*Lost’s Dr. Daniel Faraday and the Improper Parking Validation

–*Nadya Suleman: Private Investigator

–*Simon from American Idol and his adventures in the Central African “Diamond Wars”

–*Johnny Carson: CIA Hitman

–*Patrick Dempsey: Fur Trapper

–*The adventures of Rose from Gypsy and her fight against the ice monster on the planet Hoth.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

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