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Washington, D.C. (API) As President Barack Obama gears up to deliver an address aimed directly at the nation’s schoolchildren on Tuesday, critics are already blasting away at the idea, which they say might have the unintended adverse effect of encouraging more black children to run for president.

“This speech to children is just a travesty,” said commentator Glenn Beck. “I can’t believe he would try to talk directly to our children. Barack Obama is a racist.”

Many opponents of the speech, including the chairman of the Republican Party of Florida, Jim Greer, said that Obama’s speech was meant to “indoctrinate” students, clearly meaning that young black children might take the wrong example by having a black president speak to them from such a large and impressive pulpit. One of the most powerful positions in the world. One of such considerable prestige, influence and responsibility that it stirs great tremulous fear in every soul.

“I am absolutely appalled that taxpayer dollars are being used to spread President Obama’s socialist ideology,” said Greer, a thinly veiled but obvious reference to Obama’s skin color, which is black.

Many Republican leaders agreed that there could be little positive outcome from such a speech, as there had been in the past when Presidents Reagan, Bush and Clinton spoke directly to children about their liberties and responsibilities as citizens of a free nation. The innocuous text of the speech itself, which opponents forced the White House to publish on the Internet, explains very clearly that children should stay in school and be good citizens, a message that has left no doubt in the mind of detractors: Obama is a black man speaking to children.

“I am just speechless with rage,” said Mary Worthington, a shopper in Concord, New Hampshire. “The absolute appalling arrogance of this man to manipulate the media this way and try to bend pliable young minds with his ‘I am a black man talking out loud’ message–that’s just too much for me to bear.” Worthington said she was so angry she just couldn’t talk about it anymore.

Political analysts, pundits and talking heads were keeping their index fingers to the wind Monday night to gauge how much damage Obama might have done to himself by eliciting such an outpouring of rage.

“It’s too soon to say whether Obama has buried himself politically,” said Dane Zweibel, an analyst at the American Business Institute. “I know he thought he was doing a positive thing with his message. However, I don’t think he realized the unintended effects it would have on black children watching. Now, any of them think they can run for president. I think it’s important that Americans have stood up this way to show the nation’s black children once and for all exactly what they can expect if they try to express themselves in any way, shape or form.”

–*A special function that allows you to send dirty messages to prison inmates.

–*A special function that allows you to conk your congressman over the head if he supports health care reform legislation.

–*A special interface that allows everybody following Ashton Kutcher on Twitter to give him an electrical shock about one-tenth the intensity of the TASER.

–*A special function that incorporates a camera, voice-to-text translation, digital signatures, phone book, keyboard, microphone and e-mail so that you can speak to that cute girl across the room.

–*Virtual sugar.

–*”The Style Guide,” a Twitter-type interface that allows 20,000 people to instantly text you and tell you that the shirt you’re wearing makes you look gay.

–*The “Pedophile Filter,” making sure that you’re only chatting with real 11-year-olds.

–*Virtual blindness. An app you JUST CAN’T SEE!!

–*An application that sends you straight to the online advertisements you love, such as the girl who dances about her new subprime mortgage.

–*The subprime mortgage finder.

–*”Sheepfuckers Only, VIP”

–*A function that allows a million people to tell you instantly that you’re acting like a douchebag, Dick Cheney.

George Gunderson was sitting in the park Thursday night reading a book by D.H. Lawrence when a few people started walking by, first five or six, then a dozen. At first he thought there might be some kind of auto accident that had happened, and he got up to look around, thinking somebody might need his help with CPR.

As it happened, the hubbub was in the middle of a nearby stadium where the rock band the Counting Crows was playing. Gunderson was shocked.

“I thought they broke up years ago,” he said.

Like many, Gunderson said he was slightly amused and entertained by the song “Mr. Jones,” when it was on the radio almost a generation ago. But he figured the blandly entertaining and ultimately forgettable song would be the last he or anyone else would ever hear of this middling, second string and mildly annoying band.

“Then, what do you know?” he says. “There they are, right in the middle of creation. They have their instruments out. And there was even a small group of people who had come to see them. At first, I even thought the phalanxes of girls passing by were cute. Not so much now, though now that I know where they’re going.”

Gunderson says he feels a bit like Rip Van Winkle.

“I mean, this is a real anachronism. I stopped listening to stuff like that a long time ago. It’s like finding a skinny tie from your trunk, and here you thought you’d thrown it away when you were 14.”

As the band ripped into its unrelievedly awful version of Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi,” Gunderson thought for a second he felt a twinge of nostalgia. But he quickly got over it.

“I don’t really have time for stuff like that,” he said. “I’m older. People have died. Life is short. Nostalgia is pretty much a waste of my time.

“That’s how I sort of figured everybody else was thinking, which is why I’m still not sure I’m really hearing the Counting Crows. I’m pretty sure this is a just a bad dream I’m having.”

Gunderson then asked a reporter to pinch him and make sure he wasn’t.

“No,” said Gunderson. “I guess I’m really here and that’s really the Counting Crows playing.”

Since the early ’90s or “whenever that song was big,” Gunderson says, he’s really grown into much more sophisticated kinds of music, whether it be classical or pop.

“There’s a lot more irony and less false earnestness in Prokofiev and Leonard Cohen. Hell… even in Snoop Doggy Dogg. There’s just so much more out there than the song you got drunk to at a bad office party in 1995.”

When told that Counting Crows had released a new album in 2008, Gunderson shook his head.

“Wow,” he said. “I couldn’t even imagine that as a Christmas gift. Not for my mother, not for my ex-girlfriend. Not for anybody. I’m just shocked … I mean, I guess the band members have to eat. Maybe that’s why they keep doing it. I just can’t think of any other reason. I sort of figured they’d saved up enough money that they could stop. Maybe for our sake if not for their own.”

Jaycee

Jaycee + Dugard

Jaycee + Dugard + Kidnap

Jaycee + Dugard + slave

Jaycee + Dugard + pictures

Jaycee + Dugard + pictures + compound + tents + garbage + toilets

Phillip + Garrido

Phillip + Garrido + rapist

Phillip + Garrido + castrate

Jaycee Dugard + captive + 18 years

Jaycee Dugard + pictures + adult + location

Jaycee + Dugard + daughters + pictures

“Why can’t I see Jaycee Dugard’s daughters?”

“Why can’t I see Jaycee Dugard grown up?”

“Why can’t I see Jaycee Dugard grown up right now?”

Chris Brown + Larry King

Chris Brown + Rihanna + “domestic violence” + “don’t remember”

“Does Chris Brown not remember beating up Rihanna?”

“How can I remind Chris Brown he beat up Rihanna?”

“Chris Brown” + “mailing address”

“Larry King” + “practically demented”

“Whitney Houston” + comeback + suck

Garrido + neighbor + complain + police

police + search + lazy + “not thorough”

“Contra Costa County Sheriff’s Office” + “functionally retarded”

Jaycee Dugard + brainwashed + Stockholm Syndrome

“Why did Jaycee Dugard stay with captors?”

“Why did Jaycee not run?”

“Why did Jason dump Melissa?”

“Why did Japan attack Pearl Harbor?”

geisha + maid + sex

Will I be kidnapped?

Will I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome?

Could I be brainwashed?

“Stockholm Syndrome” + brainwashed + “Glenn Beck” + “Fox News”

U.S. + “universal health care” + No. 37 + “laughingstock of world” + “Glenn Beck” + “Fox News”

“Where can I get universal health care?”

“Where can I get universal health care in Boise, Idaho?”

“Boise Idaho” + “bus station”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell by 185 points on Tuesday, a huge slide that halted a week and a half of rallying. What’s causing the roller-coaster ride in the stock market?

–*Analysts realized that America had been leaning too much on Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and candy necklaces to prop up the economy.

–*Despite its phenomenal success in vacuum cleaners, the Dyson ball innovation has proved much less successful in automobiles, cranes, nuclear fission and sexual intercourse.

–*Michael Jackson memorial magazine issues were not directly convertible to gold plate as many investors had hoped.

–*The market had in the last few weeks already priced in economic recovery, a manufacturing surge and an increase in home sales, but it had not yet responsibly factored in a possible attack by zombie Morlocks.

–*Americans might start showing responsible saving behavior and stop living a fat life of plenty on the backs of Saudi Arabian and Chinese debt. In other words, they’re just being selfish assholes.

–*Radio host Glenn Beck wants to kill everybody with a shovel.

–*You can’t get a decent burger anymore.

–*Banks are still failing. As well they should because sometimes we have to kill capitalism to save it, say American schizophrenics.

What factors led to the end of our marriage and/or the end of health care reform legislation in Congress?

–*We failed to articulate our goals to each other.

–*We kept fighting over money.

–*There was a lot of mutual suspicion about what the other side wanted.

–*We turned to outsiders for help and they turned out to have their own selfish interests.

–*One side didn’t know how to think for him or herself unless Glenn Beck told him or her first.

–*…or Oprah.

–*We weren’t sure how to handle the necessary abortion issue.

–*Every time we tried to talk about things reasonably it deteriorated into shouting matches.

–*Each of us accused the other of patronizing and sabotaging the other in public.

–*There was a lot of increasingly nonsensical, paranoid and loony right-wing talk coming from one side.

–*”I don’t need another mother.”

–*”I don’t need another father.”

–*Turns out one of us was a racist.

Why Was It So Sad?

This week saw the passing of Edward M. Kennedy, patriarch of the legendary Kennedy political dynasty and the third-longest serving senator in U.S. history. Why is Kennedy’s death such a poignant moment in U.S. history?

–*Because it was like he was one of us.

–*Because he was not one of us. He was better.

–*Because he was going to give us universal health care.

–*Because he was such a good kisser.

–*Because he was mainly a funny drunk and not so much a mean-spirited drunk.

–*Because sex with a powerful political figure feels that much more powerful, and because he offered that gift so freely to so many.

–*Because he was able to overcome partisanship and seek compromise, and to play the game of politics shrewdly enough that it sometimes fomented progress, prosperity and equality for all.

–*… doing so with a lot of alcohol lubrication and sexual intercourse along the way–just as much as human progress demanded it of his poor, oversexed body.

–*Because a man who can pass civil rights legislation one minute and then the next be widely photographed having sex on a motorboat for the delectation of European paparazzi is just too damn fun to live without.

–*Because his fiery rhetorical style hearkened back to a less cynical time when politicians could still be heroes.

–*… back when we still bought into that kind of thing.

–*Because he got the COBRA Act passed, something that often went unnoticed when so much of the talk was about his trouser snake.

–*Because his greatness was curtailed by his deep human flaws, and that reminded us of our own fragile humanity.

–*… or just made the stupider among us feel superior.

–*… which, you gotta admit, is one of the less-heralded and more necessary talents of great leaders, given how many stupid people there actually are and how many guns they own.

–*Because he was the only one among his brothers to grow old, the designated mourner for their age of idealism, elegance, sophistication and daring.

–*And because, in the end, for all that, you don’t even get a lousy t-shirt.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (API) Nurse Claire Simonton, an RN at local Hazelton Hospital, has seen many types of patients in varying conditions cross the threshold of her emergency room over the past four years. She’s dealt with overdoses, gunshot wounds, toys swallowed by children, etc. But nothing prepared her for the frankly sickening sight last Friday night when Dr. Saul Jacobs wheeled out an EKG machine for a 15-year-old girl who’d come in with a broken arm, witnesses said.

“Wait a minute,” said Simonton. “That’s an EKG.”

“Yeah,” said Jacobs. “Do you have a problem with that?”

“An EKG?” repeated Simonton, her jaw practically lying on the floor at the utterly flagrant use of an unnecessary procedure meant to overcharge the insurance company. “Really? an EKG.”

“You know, we just want to be sure the girl’s OK.”

“With a broken arm? You’re worried about her having a heart attack? Am I on crack? Am I going blind? Or am I actually watching you bring in an electrocardiogram for this girl?”

Simonton and Jacobs sat picking over this mordant rhetorical question for several minutes while the patient, Nancy Wallis, sat in confused silence holding the broken arm, an injury she’d sustained in a Friday night fender bender.

“I just want to make sure I understand this correctly,” said Simonton, laying on the ironic sing-song rhythms, Jacobs thought, a little bit thick and with a great deal of sanctimony, “That girl has a simple broken arm, and probably just needs a splint. But we’re going to give her an EKG. How about doing an echo-cardiogram as well? Or how about a PET scan on her brain? Or why don’t we do extensive blood work and a stand-up MRI?”

“Well it can never hurt.”

“Really?”

“I wish you’d stop saying it like that.”

Simonton and Jacobs traded such barbs for several minutes using lots of patronizing rhetorical flourishes and sneers in the five minute conversation, their icy exchange playing out against the backdrop of the most farcical aspects of American health care, specifically doctors’ declining fees for service, an economic fiasco that has them scrambling to overbill insurers and rip them off however possible through procedure miscoding, double billing and other kinds of accounting shenanigans.

“Gee,” said Simonton looking over the girl. “You don’t seem like you’re about to die of a heart attack at all. How strange. And here I thought you were 80 years old. I guess nobody can really be sure about anything these days unless we’ve first checked it with outrageously expensive modern medical equipment. Why as far as I know, you might have a heart like an 60-year-old obese smoker on steroids.”

“I’m not sure what’s going on,” said the patient. “I just busted up my arm a little. You guys are freaking me out.”

As they wheeled the EKG over to the girl and began performing the expensive procedure, Nurse Simonton continued her stream of wry badinage.

“Oooooh!” said Nurse Simonton. “Her heart looks good. In fact, it looks like any heart you’d find in any 15-year-old girl. How’d that happen, I wonder?”

After 30 minutes the exchange ended when Jacobs went home for the night, first delivering a parting shot.

“You really ought to watch your mouth in front of the patients,” he said.

“Take it up with my union rep, asshole,” answered Simonton.

You’re never able to enjoy your own wedding because you’re so busy. But luckily our good friend Mr. Shumanio made this video of us trading our vows.

Washington, D.C. (API) A growing number of citizens and lawmakers have grown restive as the Congress fails to take up important legislation this year calling for a large-scale war against the anti-Christ.

“I’m not sure why this effort has been sitting in committee,” says Michelle Olaf, a Republican Congresswoman from North Carolina. “America has long needed strong legislation to defeat the anti-Christ, and the fact that we haven’t shows that we just don’t have the moral resolve to fight evil.

“Even as we speak, poor innocent children are being victimized, buggered and tongue-kissed by evil every second, and blue flames of hell are searing their pristine pink flesh. How can we let this happen in America? These are our children!”

Olaf has held several conference calls on the legislation with parent groups, teachers, community organizers and Fox News. She says the law would strengthen the ability of law enforcement, the FBI, the CIA, the ATF and the clergy, to stamp out evil wherever it resides, whereas now they are hampered by “antiquated laws” like habeas corpus and the Sixth Amendment. It would also give federal authorities more room to pursue investigations against the antichrist that local authorities choose not to. And it would give millions in funding to local authorities to purchase the equipment to find evil and remove it root and branch.

“You can see the pernicious influence of the Beast everywhere in our country,” says Olaf. “He is particularly fond of promising power and redistribution of wealth, most significantly through promises of free health care and childhood welfare programs and other self-aggrandizing measures. He is a self-exalting king. It says quite clearly in the Bible that he will be a sophisticated gentleman and a name dropper.”

Olaf then got on the floor and began praying while speaking in tongues.

“Bozzle bozzle bozzle.”

Among the new items listed in the bill, H.R. 999, are the legalizing of certain forensic testing for seeking out the anti-Christ in all his forms, whether it be through finger-printing, black lighting, DNA testing or a “Sulfur Alert.” Likenesses of the antichrist would show up in every U.S. post office as Jesus depicted him in Chapter 13 of Revelations: a creature likely having seven heads and ten horns, each with a crown.

A special coordinated effort between law enforcement, seminarians and cryptozoologists would furthermore be deployed around the country to seek out any hybrid creatures such as bears with lion feet and dragon heads. Also, anybody who questions that Jesus was God made flesh is likely to be under suspicion of having antichrist-like qualities.

Democrats in Congress gave a measured response.

“What the fuck is this fucking woman ranting about?” asked Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank. “Shouldn’t she be wearing a crash helmet or something? Am I actually having a debate about this with grown-ups? Are you people just an Angel Dust fantasy I’m having? What the fuck?”

Olaf said, “We’re wasting our time in Congress on things like the health care bill, TARP money to shore up the financial system and the Matthew Shepard Act. Nobody has any real priorities here. It’s just a lot of heedless self-interest confounding the efforts of good people to fight evil. Bozzle bozzle bozzle….”