Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Poem

For Us, It Is Always 9-10

We bowled open the heavy black door

And light bloated our faces

From the cellar, as freaks

Flooded in and out;

Destination: Taxi stand

Robust in your plastic wrap

And platform shoes

The boilers sobbing under your feet.

Every brouhaha was new then,

Every fight was golden,

That ghost-fishing night

I gave you away with your

Ludicrous plume to your anger

The diadem and feather fan

And the gold espadrilles

A complement of Meat Packing District Trannies

It was a beautiful drama in a prelapsarian blue light

Of dawn, always our address

The room where we poked each other in the hurt

To see where the hurt was

We still live there, some of us; because for us it is always 9-10

Two long stemmed lovers

With all these tomorrows frozen before us

A day still stiff in my knuckles with my lapels

A kiss waiting on a rouged mouth,

Still hanging to die

–Eric Rasmussen

(originally published March 19, 2007)

(Originally posted March 17, 2007)

I was quite impressed when I heard the latest dismissal used on the Pussycat Dolls reality show: “Hang up your boa.” This striking quotable, as well as the phrase “You’re NOT the one that we want,” from the Grease reality TV show, made me wonder what other reality TV catch-phrases might await us in 2007 for real Americans in real-life situations:

“Get out of the stirrups. You will not be America’s next surrogate mom.”

“Drum him out. He is no longer a U.S. Marine.”

“You are defrocked.”

“Hand over the keys to the combine.”

“You must leave the safe house.”

“You are stripped of your command.”

“Back to the general prison population with you.”

“Strike the set: You will not be the next great American playwright.”

“Get out. She doesn’t want to be married to you anymore.” (Donald Trump’s involvement in this would make it that much better.)

“We can’t send you home from Iraq just now.”

“You have been voted out of the halfway house.”

“You will not be getting the morphine.”

“You are not the state.”

“Hand over the diaphragm.”

“We’re repossessing your car.” (Another Trump classic, I hope)

“You are not the baby daddy.”

“Back away from the laproscope.”

“Leave your cleaver on the block.”

“Farewell, my concubine.”

“Drop your pelts.”

“Walk the plank.”

“You are impeached.”

“You must forfeit parental rights.”

“You have been downgraded to sub-prime.”

“It is not safe.”

“You will not be cured.”

“We’re foreclosing.”

“Prince von Anhalt no longer desires your company.”

“You have been forsaken.”

“I have in my pocket only three prophylactics … which means one of you girls must go upstairs, back your bags, and leave the whorehouse.”

Got more, bitches? Post ’em.

4 NBC
Donald Trump’s New Show: You Will Choke On Our Fabulous Cash And Prizes (Reality)

5 ABC
Louis Farrakhan: An Invitation To Dance (More Reality)

7 Fox
American Idol

218 Cinemax One
Technically Venial Sins

209 Nickelodeon
My Mom Lives With A Lady Cop

211 Public Access
Graphics and Static

47 Fox News
Hate Week Continues

49 HBO
Cat House Avec Douche: The Girls Go To France

106 Discovery Health
Informercial: Herbal Penis Enlargement With Your Host Dionne Warwick

110 The Food Network
Lentils!

120 C-SPAN Bookview
Katherine Harrison on “The Fathers I’ve Had”

127 Independent Film Channel
Bully For Kids: Larry Clarke’s Delinquent Fetish

10 USA
“Bob Packwood: The Right Amount of Bounce,” a movie event starring Liam Neeson

133 Oxygen
Let’s Talk Orgasms To Death

137 Lifetime
Seventy-two Hour “Desperate Housewives” Marathon

138 Spike TV
It Isn’t Dead Yet! (Reality)

140 Sundance Channel
Franny & Milo Go On A Walkabout

141 MTV
Beavis and Butthead Go On A Walkabout

150 History Channel
Historically Accurate Dramatizations of William The Conqueror Exploding in a Fiery Ball of Pus

2 Fox
Winners Torture Losers (A New Reality TV Event)

4 NBC
The Grease Competition: You Look Greasy To Me

5 ABC
Vivisecting The O’Banions: An Irish Mafia Story

7 Fox
American Idol Adopts African Baby

13 PBS
Self-Replicating Nanotechnology Blob of Gray Goo Obliterates Michael Crichton And All His Books

18 Prayer Network
After Successfully Designing Man, God Admits He Cannot Beat the Japanese Miracle Workers At Toyota Motor Co.

17 History Network
The History of Sauce

18 MTV
Punk’d: The Urology Special

20 MTV 2
90% Of Screen Is Digitally Scrambled Naked Chicks

22 E! Entertainment
Dana Plato: Memento Mori

24 Cartoon Network
The Mucousers

27 Canadian Broadcasting Services
Hockey

29 Country Music Television
Et tu, Toby? Et tu?

30 CNN
Larry King: Waiting For Letourneau

31 Comedy Central
Everybody Loves Sarah Silverman’s Fart Jokes

32 MSNBC
Keith Olbermann Brings Dignity And Gravitas To A Story About The Hit Show “Wife Swap”

34 Cinemax
Engorged And Betrayed

35 Showtime
The Dukes of Hazzard

34 TLC
A Drunk, Abusive TLC Decides You’re Too Stupid To Learn

35 Discovery Kids
Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego Hiding That Missing Plutonium?

38 Fox News
Hannity & Colms Special on Ann Coulter: Is It Okay For A Well-Known Fag Hag To Use The Word “Faggot”?

39 BET Black Entertainment Network
Jesse Jackson Calls For Moratorium On All Racist Jokes Unless They’re Really Funny

40 HBO
Hookers At The Point Go To Disney World

41 Sundance Channel
My Sad, Sad Hungarian Tale

42 Playboy Channel
A Reasoned Argument For Impeachment

My wife Stephanie is featured in short film, part of a “Webisode” called “The Fool,” which you can view on YouTube.

Top Ten Things Sex and the City Would Say

  1. Meanwhile, across town, Samantha felt like Cinderalla, always coming to the ball too early.
  2. And so I had to ask myself: How important is oral sex? Are we losing our heads over head?
  3. After two hours of Fleet Week, Miranda had seen more swabs than she had at the gynecologist in 10 years
  4. Meanwhile, across town, Charlotte was learning a whole new meaning of the term “face time.”
  5. When you live in New York, you have to ask yourself, “Was it a Vuitton bag, or just emotional baggage?”
  6. Was I cuckoo for cocoa?
  7. For Samantha, it was more than just a one night stand—it was one night standing room only.
  8. As I sat alone with my Cosmopolitan and cigarette, I wondered if a broken heart was something you could mend by having meaningless sex with a stranger.
  9. Delia was looking for someone who could handily beat the S&P, and then be handily beaten in S&M
  10. That night, Samantha’s tricks were for kids.

(Originally posted March 7, 2007)

(Originally posted March 8, 2007)

2 CBS News
Scooty Libby Trial

4 NBC News
I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby Trial

5 ABC News
Scooter Libby To Be Sentenced

7 Fox
American Idol

13 PBS
Frontline: Scooter Libby, Crime and Punishment

18 Prayer Network
The Passion of Scooter Libby

17 History Network
Scooter Libby and A History of American Prisons

18 MTV
Scooter Libby: Gettin’ Punk’d, But Not In A Fun Way

20 MTV 2
Cribs

22 ESPN
Scooter Libby, Pitching And Catching

24 Court TV
Who Needs Forensic Files When The Guy’s Obviously Lying?

27 Canadian Broadcasting Services
“Vivre le Quebec libre!”

29 Hallmark
Scooter Libby: Chasing A Dream

30 CNN
Larry King interviews people who have been in situations very vaguely similiar to Scooter Libby’s.

31 Family
“Little House on the Prairie” preempted by the newest Watergate-type scandal offered us by the GOP

32 MSNBC
Countdown: “Twenty-two Months Until Pardon”

33 Comedy Central
Where people will actually get the news about Scooter Libby.

34 TLC
Trading Spaces … With Scooter Libby and Charles Manson

35 Discovery Kids
Identify The Young Person In This Picture Who Would Grow Up To Become Vice President and Order Scooter Libby To Break The Law

38 Fox News
Anna!

(Originally posted on MySpace March 6, 2007)

Eric’s Top Ten List

… because if it were Letterman, you’d be watching it on TV.

Top Ten Things Teenagers Would Say:


10. It feels better without a Jimmy Hat.

9. I got clobbered at Level 9.

8. “…big boobs, but also a sense of humor…”

7. Who cares? Let’s smoke it.

6. The army recruiter says he can really help my music career.

5. But Jimmy said he loved me.

4. I can be a mom AND go to school.

3. You know Betrand Russell’s paradox about incomplete number sets in Principia Mathematica? I totally got it last night when I was on Ecstasy.

2. I don’t care, I want him dead.

1. I’ll never be like Kevin.

(Originally posted on MySpace, March 5, 2007)

2 CBS

Survivor Goes To East Timor

4 NBC

Friends: An All Too Necessary Reunion

21 MTV

You’re Not Going to Eat THAT Are You? (Reality Series)

22 Metro/Fashion

Poop Another Day—A Model’s Story

23 HBO

“If These Carpets Could Talk” An HBO Original Miniseries

45 PBS

Public Broadcasting Celebrates Take Your Daughter to Work Day, Featuring “Pretty Baby”

25 Family

Kids Say The Most Racist Things

28 Hallmark

Sarah, Tall and Butch

29 Ovation

Blood, Sweat & Tears Goes on Tour with Lesbian Folk Duo Piss ‘n’ Vinegar

30 Discovery Channel

Behind the Drugs That Write the Music

37 Prayer Network

Do Environmentalists Worship Trees?

39 VH1 Classic

New Wave, No Wave, Post Punk, Old Junk

40 Food Network

Food Secrets of The DaVinci Code

42 ABC Family

From Dogpatch to Dogpile: The Lynndie England Story

76 Bravo

Queer Eye For The Straight Priest

78 The Home Improvement Channel

Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz Repaints Your House

79 Showtime

The Matrix

80 Cinemax

Spongy Intentions

99 Crosswalk

Municipal Bond Issue Debate

100 Trio

Queer Eye for the Municipal Bond Issue Debate

109 QVC

Dennis Miller Sells Costume Jewelry

You all have probably read this story.

Stephanie and I saw a rat on the floor of the KFC near our apartment in NYC two years ago, and that’s what finally turned us off Colonel Chicken forever. Not the trans-fat … just the rat. I think I’ve eaten at a KFC only once since then, and it was in Minnesota. But I will never again be able to sink my teeth into a bite of original recipe without thinking, “Hey, this probably has the same consistency and chew as … rat.”