Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, January 16, 2009)

As you know, my wife Stephanie has a part in Long Island director Dan Brennan’s film The Video Guys, and a year and a half after she began filming, we finally got to see a sneak preview tonight.

This film is really freakin’ funny and sharp, and Stephanie is really chuffed to be associated with it. Not to sound all proud, but I am also particularly thrilled at how good Dan made Stephanie look. She’s really beautiful in the film. Everybody would want to marry her.

Dan and his wife Jeanne, the producer, plan to start entering the film in festivals. We don’t know when you will get to see it, dear readers, but we hope it’s soon.

I’m adding the trailer again, just in case you don’t remember.

We were also kind of freaked out by the news of the airplane crash in the Hudson River, but are also relieved that everybody made it out alive. It’s a good day to be alive, people.

The Video Guys – the movie trailer from Dan Brennan on Vimeo.

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 15, 2009)

2 ABC
“Lost”: tonight viewers make a surprising discovery that actress Veronica Hamel from “Hill Street Blues” is still getting work. Meanwhile, we learn in flashback that everybody on the island had a mysterious lack of term life insurance.

3 CBS
CSI: New York: tonight, a street musician finally gets what’s coming to him as America cheers on his attackers.

5 Fox
American Idol now shipping in homeless people and offering them juice if they will try to sing and fail miserably. Ryan Seacrest tries to high five both a blind singer and a woman with dissociative disorder.

6 Disney
“Wizards of Waverly Place”: Alex creates a magic potion in her fish aquarium that will allow her to make peace in the Middle East. But she flushes it down the toilet when she starts getting death threats from Hamas and from Jewish West Bank settlers.

10 CNN
World News Tonight: The Bush administration discusses whether or not it’s OK to allow U.S. agents on the show 24 to torture people .

12 PBS
Archer Daniels Midland is holding the American farmer hostage and other things you can barely be bothered to give a shit about

13 History Channel
Mass Murder Post Office Disgruntled Shoot Out Extravaganza

14 CW
On 90210, an illegitimate child goes into the Army. Which is pretty much the way it works in real life.

15 E! Entertainment Television
Three Mile Island, Chernobyl and other famous celebrity Oops!

16 CMT
I’m wondering if there is any way we can cross-market our new balloon greeting business with this ultimate fighting show. Perhaps through the invention of the “friendship choke hold!”

17 Food
Throwdown with Bobby Flay

18 CNBC
Throwdown with Charles Grodin

19 CNN
Caroline Kennedy asks to be the new junior New York senator, but only if people will never look at her or talk to her.

19 CNN
Larry King has lost control to a mercenary blonde woman who hates doctors yet again.

20 Discovery Health
The inspiring story of a mother who refused an amniocentesis, an epidural, a treatment for staph infection, betadine, surgery, drugs, antibiotics, wound dressing, an MRI … wait a minute, where in the hell is she going with this?

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 13, 2009)

What First Paragraph Film Treatments Are We Ending in Frustration?
(With Potential Actors)

TITLE: Spoony Afternoon
SYNOPSIS: A spunky intern at a law firm with art deco fixtures finds out that the boss she is trying to impress with sexual favors is her long lost father and her shock and self-loathing incites her to redeem herself by joining the Marines. (Starring Lucy Liu perhaps?)

TITLE: Yarny Pieces of Afternoon
SYNOPSIS: A psychotic truck driver suffering from schizophrenic hallucinations of his ex-wife is the only person prepared to survive in a post-oil world when he discovers how to make methane from decomposed human skin and becomes a hero to a lot of toothless rascals. (Jennifer Aniston?)

TITLE: Bonaduce Sunset
SYNOPSIS: In this film noir thriller, a widow whose husband died under mysterious circumstances is approached for a strange proposition by a red haired man in a Panama hat who claims he will drink anything.

TITLE: Ezekiel Rising
SYNOPSIS: A pastiche in which the story of Ezekiel is retold in the American West by Japanese people in cowboy gear obviously suffering from either ecstatic visions, political persecution or temporal lobe epilepsy. Britney Spears makes an appearance.

TITLE: Morgan Glen
SYNOPSIS: A woman from Tampa, Florida is right about the much-too-high closing costs on her mortgage. Dead right.

TITLE: Scuds!
SYNOPSIS: These two Van Nuys, California teens travel to Sweden in search of what they heard is free sex on every farm. Starring Seth Rogan?

TITLE: Air Conditioner Rain
An 80-year-old flasher and frotteurist repairs to the last Hollywood, Florida hotel room for one last time with the plan to do nothing but write reams of disgusting pornography until he finally drops dead. (Julie Andrews co-stars?)

TITLE: Botox Smile
A cougar from Malibu discovers she can still have inner beauty by playing 7 to win.

TITLE: Pork In The City
This little pig can not only talk, but he’s also got a lot of things about love to teach to a group of West Village rough trade leather freaks. (James Lipton?)

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 08, 2009)

New York (API) — You had an absolutely awful Christmas, according to the International Council of Economic Indicators. The group reckons that the Christmas holiday season in 2008 was plagued by lower trending retail sales, especially at such big box retailers as Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club. And that means holiday joy was at a distressingly low ebb.

“Lower sales at Wal-Mart automatically means less holiday mirth,” said council president Jed Hammerstein. “We never know exactly how much depression and gloom there is at Christmas until the ghastly retail figures roll in. Now we know for sure.”

Among the indicators the council tracks: mirth was down 80%; cheer was down 52%; goodwill toward fellow man was down 39%; exuberance was off 19%; ebullience was at an all-time low, having fallen 70%. There was also much less milk of kindness, which was down 47% And there was a 68% decline in holiday egg nog buzz.

“Wow,” said Cher Brewster of Fort Wayne, Ind. “I had no idea how depressed I was at Christmas until now. I thought I was having a good time, singing Christmas carols and whatnot. But I guess I was in denial. How could we have all been so wrong?”

“I always feel a little sad at Christmas,” said Wayne Corbett, a truck diver from Phoenix. “I thought it was mildly recurring seasonal depression. Now I know it was all related to the lack of results from President Bush’s fiscal stimulus package.”

Sales from all over the retail spectrum sank–whether it was Wal-Mart, Neiman Marcus, J.C. Penney’s, Kohl’s or Macy’s. Analysts say that rising unemployment, the econony and a lack of consumer confidence were the likely culprits.

“Oh sure, people sang and gave homemade gifts and put up trees,” said Hammerstein. “But numbers don’t lie. Statistically, you had the most awful, shitty Christmas ever. We can only hope you will never have a Christmas like this one ever again.”

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 08, 2009)

What new inventions can you find in “Sky Mall”?

–*A water bed with Siamese fighting fish in it

–*A paper towel dispenser that alerts you when you’ve taken out too many towels and so have become a threat to the environment and an asshole

–*An anal whistle that turns flatulence into the works of Chopin and Brahms.

–*A black light that recognizes a teenager’s cooties.

–*A black light that recognizes Mickey Rourke’s cooties

–*A self-cleaning baseball

–*Rib scissors

–*Pumpkin mallets

–*Special makeup to hide your muffin top

–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like off a pizza

–*A vacuum that allows you to suck things you don’t like out of the Bible

–*The “slanket”: a blanket with sleeves

–*The “slondom”: a condom with sleeves

–*The “clam”: a dental dam with eye holes and breathing tube

–*The New Testament in pill form

–*A special skin implant that converts phone text messages from your friends into physical pain

–*The portable recompression tent for impulsive lobster divers

–*Special speech boxes that allow your cat to speak to you in Aramaic

–*The “pointless electrical arc-making machine.”

–*A special device that allows you to steal electricity in Mexico or Flint, Michigan

–*A magnetic field device that turns wine into undrinkable vinegar in two minutes

–*A “penis and testicle diversion canal” for closed-leg subway and bus situations

–*Touch-free soap dispensers, towel dispensers, ovens, TV controls, keyboards, silverware, trash cans and doorknobs for obsessive compulsive types

–*And alternatively, gadgets with lots of needless buttons for those who are polymorphously perverse

–*A fog-free mirror for you to look at your idle, bourgeois life in.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 06, 2009)

Random Google Searches, Jan. 5

Israel + Gaza + bombing

Israel + Gaza + bombing + invasion + tanks + “large columns of smoke”

Israel + bombing + “upcoming elections” + “political posturing” + “can’t lose”

Hamas + bombing + “upcoming elections” + “political posturing” + “can’t lose”

“foreign diplomats seek truce in Gaza” + “blah blah blah”

Israel + “bombing civilians” + “polarizing Palestinians” + “another useless overplayed military gesture” + “Freudian compulsion to repeat”

Hamas + “no governing skills” + “firing homemade Qassam rockets”

Hamas + Gaza + “Islamist welfare state” + “economic shambles”

“firing more rockets” + “political home run for Hamas”

Israel + “2006 war with Lebanon” + “Hezbollah”

Hezbollah + “more popular than ever”

“2006 Lebanon War” + “a total flush down the toilet”

“1.3 million minority Arabs within Israel” + “identifying themselves mostly as Palestinians” + “oh shit”

“minority Arabs within Israel” + “out-of-control birth rates”

“Israeli Arabs” + overpopulate + “take over” + “vote Israel out of existence”

“Israeli Jews” + “very defensive” + “existential panic” + “bomb, bomb, bomb”

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 06, 2009)

Highly Esoteric Children’s Books Coming Soon

–*Curious George and the Giant Ponzi Scheme

–*The Funny Giraffe Who Faked Epstein Barr Syndrome For The Worker’s Comp

–*The Story of Antonin–the Littlest Supreme Court Judge Who Preferred Only Rigid Textual Interpretations of the Constitution and Rigorous Bright-Line Rules Of Clearly Defined Legal Standard–and His Pet Pony Ubu.

–*The Israeli Government Only Wants Your Money and Weapons, Not Your Love … and Other Tales Of the Near East

–*The Soul-Crushing Empiricism of Scottish Philosopher David Hume as Related By Barney The Dinosaur

–*Why The Girl In the Online Singles Ad Always Disappears When You Click On Her … and Other Harsh Realities of Life For Preteens.

–*The Girl Who Wore Only Black Because It Matched The Horrible Vacuum In Her Soul

–*The Marriage of Heaven and Hell: A Blakean Nightmare From the Veggie-Tales

–*Elmo Guides You Through Your First Menstruation

–*Horton Hears A 48-Hour Filibuster

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 04, 2009)

What are some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions?

–*To not be so extreme about our emotions when we’re bombing civilians.

–*To not rush into another marriage with Uma Thurman.

–*To admit to myself that dressing up the dog won’t fix my childhood.

–*To kill people who use dangling infinitives.

–*To try and extend those long quiet moments before I require more drama to at least 10 minutes.

–*To go on a hunger strike until they’ve put the Hudson Brothers show back into syndication

–*To use powers of intense concentration to make my sperm swim faster

–*To become Shia LaBeouf and replace all other Shia LaBeoufs

–*To flip over a table at the end of the music video to show that something has really changed

–*To stop relying on emotional crutches like anti-depressants and my colostomy bag

–*To finally do something about this 12-year-old, hard-to-close abdominal wound

–*To revive my career and become the Winona Ryder that America loves again

–*To stop inhibiting Gretchen Mol’s career with my constant barrage of negative mental energy.

–*To eat 50 eggs.

–*To give something back to the world by paying for more of the porn I watch.

–*To reduce my carbon footprint by destroying my neighbor’s car.

–*To respect the secrecy of the best-selling book “The Secret” by not reading it.

–*To dance!

–*To kill the hostages.

–*To build a bridge to my inevitable non-existence with hours and hours of television.

–*To eat and eat like a motherfucker.

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(Originally posted Friday, January 02, 2009 )

Hi all! Welcome to 2009. Stephanie and I are here to midwife you into the future with a totally self-serving plea for help!

If you have a mind to, you can nominate the Retributioners for the Streamy Awards, which honors outstanding achievements for broadband Web shows.

To nominate us, and for more information, go here.

There are a LOT of categories to consider us for, but in particular, consider us for:

Best Comedy Web Series – The Retributioners

Best Writing for a Comedy Web Series – Eric Rasmussen

Best Female Actor for a Comedy Web Series – Stephanie Faith Scott

Best Guest Star in a Web Series – PICK YOUR FAVORITE or nominate YOURSELF if you were in it!!!!!

You can see a list of ALL the guest stars on our web site here.

Thanks for your help!

[Editor’s note: as of February 2009, the Streamy Award nominations are closed, but we want to thank everyone who nominated us!]

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 01, 2009 )

I wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year, and cover some of the highlights of 2008:

–*Jeanine Walsh and husband Brad Stimpl of Olympia, Washington have stopped using Scope and have switched forever to a generic mouthwash to save money.

–*Quite a few people who believe in UFOs saw them in January in Texas, bringing UFO sightings up 66% for those who believe in UFOs.

–*The U.S. presidential election drew to a dramatic close in September when it was revealed that John McCain had picked an unqualified Polar Bear-killing baby factory to be his vice president.

–*The film “4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days” won the Palm d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival. Meanwhile, 59-year-old Margie Wilkenstein of Duluth, Minn. has stopped menstruating.

–*An Amazon.com poster blows the lid off the scandal of the century, creating a peer-based anecdotal study that people who read books are all liberal.

–*American 9-year-olds hold a summit in which they plan to secede from the union unless the Jonas Brothers are made president.

–*CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer is visited during election night by correspondent Jessica Yellin in a 3D hologram. However, she quickly collapses and dies when she is betrayed by a traitor in the Matrix and unplugged.

–*The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, is applauded by politicians of both parties for his alleged selling of appointments and political favors. Whereas most people would do it scurrilously under the table, Blagojevich seemed to have had the courage to demand that people should fucking pay him if they want to be U.S. senator.

–*Jesse Fallin of Tulsa stopped peeing blood.

–*Americans went to the polls in October and boldly elected a half-white president.

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