Posted in Uncategorized on January 31, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Tuesday, December 25, 2007)
Just want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas. “Beauty Is Imperfection” blogs will be less frequent for a week or so as I share the holidays with family. Feel free to leave comments telling me how your Christmas worked out for you.
Be of good cheer. Eat hearty. Avoid the drama, unless it gets you something you want.
Love Eric & Steph and all of us here at the Retributioners family
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Tuesday, December 18, 2007)
–*The Iraq War
–*Immigration
–*Where’d that baby come from?
–*Aunt Rhody’s drinking problem
–*Uncle Cyrus’ smack habit
–*The visitor from the State School at the end of the table. Who in the hell is he?
–*What did you do with the money, Dad?
–*Again, we won’t discuss grandma’s long ago affair with famed literary critic Edmund “Bunny” Wilson after WWII.
–*Or Great Uncle Saul’s shameful encounter with Montgomery Clift, who wasn’t looking too good at the time
–*How you forgot to buy me a present last year.
–*How you remembered to buy one, but it was “Tuesdays With Morrie” and it was the second god damned year in a row.
–*The polyps in Aunt Sally’s wackadoo. Though you know she’s going to talk about it anyway.
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, December 17, 2007)
Germany has recently ruled that Scientology is an unconstitutional organization. What other alternative religions and creeds are they banning?
–*Wiccans for Jesus
–*Free love cathars
–*Shell-fish eating anabaptists
–*The Realigned Schismatic Rosicrucians of Thuringia (Minister Bob’s Sect)
–*Christmas-Easter Atheists
–*Flesh-eating Bogomils
–*The Pro Man-Boy Love Chapter of the Knights Templar
–*The Church of Sally Kirkland
–*The Society for Creative Anachronism Suicide Squad
–*Zoroastrians for the Madonna (all of them)
–*Sufis Who Lunch
–*Mormons For Beer
–*Any Syncretic Mix of Roman Catholicism and Apache
–*Boston Celtic Fans For the Restoration of the Tridentine Mass
–*Jews For A Third Temple
–*Muslims Ready To Tear Down The Third Temple
–*Monophysites For Bo Derek
–*Coptics For The “Jesus Was A Ball of Gas” Theory
–*The Church of Christ “Pro-Dancing and Miniskirts Sect” of Osh Kosh, Wisconsin.
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Friday, December 14, 2007)
–*The Three Gorges Dam Project Will Displace A Million People. Am I One Of Them?
–*Mercury Is Said To Be Harmful To Pregnant Women. How Will This Affect Me If I’m Pregnant and Already Smoking and Drinking?
–*I’m Worried That The Federal Government Knows Everything About the Abortion, the Huff Addiction and the Dog Fucking That I Confided To My MySpace Page
–*The Florida Everglades Was Partially Drained by the Import of an Invidious Thirsty Tree Called the Melaleuca by the U.S. Army at the Turn of the Century. Will the U.S. Army Drain Me of My Fluids?
–*Who Took Away All The Mexicans? Am I Next?
–*Why Is My Money Not Doing What It Used To Do? Is It Something I Did?
–*Why Is The Price of My Gas So High? It’s Just a Non-Renewable Resource Of Plant and Animal Tissue, That’s All.
–*Who Is Going To Take Care of Me When I’m Old Unless We Bring Back Arranged Marriages and I Find Large Dowries For My Children?
–*Should I Worry That There Are Contaminants In My Drinking Water Or Rest Easy That Soon There Won’t Be Any More Drinking Water?
–*When My Children Get Big Enough, Will They Try To Kill Me?
–*Shouldn’t I buy a gun to increase my chances of survival in these crazy times, forgetting the fact that I’m far more likely to die from smoking, poor diet and lack of exercise, alcohol consumption, or driving 80 miles per hour in one of those death traps known as an automobile?
–*If I’m Not Sure Who My Enemies Are, Aren’t I Better Off Counting in Potentially Everybody?
Posted in Literature, Uncategorized, tagged Hunter S. Thompson, Normal Mailer, Posthumous works, Saul Bellow, Stephen Jay Gould, Susan Sontag, Vonnegut on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Thursday, December 13, 2007)
A Slew of Posthumous Works of Fiction and Non-fiction Hitting Bookstores Near You
“Yiddelstein the Royal,” by Saul Bellow
“Against Language,” by Susan Sontag
“Something My Sister Finished For Me Because I Was Drunk And Suicidal,” by John O’Brien
“You Don’t Have The Guts To Fuck My Gnomic Corpse,” by Norman Mailer
“If God Were Alive Today He’d Have You All For Breakfast,” by Kurt Vonnegut
“Just Procreate With Whomever’s Attractive, That’s How the Flies Do It,” By Stephen Jay Gould
“If It Feels Good, It’s Rape,” by Andrea Dworkin
“The Homoeroticism of Lewis and Clark,” by Leslie Fiedler
“The Fountain of Death,” by Betty Friedan
“American Brains Braised With Moist Heat,” by Hunter S. Thompson
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, December 12, 2007)
James Blunt, that fey, winsome doe-eyed elfin Sweet Jesus who wants so badly to be the pillow you kiss every night, has grown a beard to change his image and make you take his songs more seriously. Yes, that’s all it takes. A beard. We here at the Retributioners wonder what we could do to win your hearts and get millions of new viewers?
–*Grow a beard?
–*Kill off the show’s beloved character Nate?
–*Make a sex tape?
–*Get plastic surgery?
–*Get hormone injection therapy?
–*Get in a fight with 50 Cent?
–*Snub our best friend Paris at a restaurant?
–*Go into alcoholic seizure backstage?
–*Perform a duet with Elton John at the Grammys?
–*Kill Tupac?
–*Get arrested for DUI?
–*Get arrested for DUI and get caught on TMZ?
–*Get arrested for DUI and get caught on TMZ making salacious sexual and racial slurs?
–*Shave off our pubic hair and, without wearing underwear, hop out of a taxi ass first?
What can “The Retributioners” do to win your love? Not that we’re attention whores or anything.
Again: You can tell your friends to watch this astoundingly funny new Web series here. And don’t forget to watch the Prologue, a four-minute introduction to Stephanie and her world. It is not the same thing as the trailer.
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Wednesday, December 12, 2007)
Vague, Moody, Byronesque Passages On a Cold Day
“…I watched the black-blue morning sky, with nothing hatched from it but a misbegotten sun… ”
” … I had begun to live in the despair inevitably born from one’s happiness …”
” … to love was to decompose, to have faith in a timelessness that was not … to wither and rot …more, please”
” … the nightingale showered in my bath, she whose beauty was of hateful putrescence to me…for what did she know of it anyway?”
” … Oh, to see an urn cracked. How true that is …”
” … black sputum coughed up again …”
“… the Arno River is quite low today …”
” … let musk-roses blow beautifully on far away islands. But it’s none of my damn business….”
” … I have known happiness, but spent myself too quickly on her…if you take my meaning …”
” … our marriage sacrament, unfinished but to drown in that river there …Damn unholy love!”
“… hateful, fetid itching …”
” … from the red gash falls heavy mere work of the imagination. Another wound not worth mentioning …”
“… ruin yawns. Is there such a thing as to be ruined twice in one morning?”
“… I grow pathetic….”
” … rude ticklings of a black creek shallow with death … I think it’s tea time.”
” … Bare cupboard. Damn….”
“… the astrolabe tells the sidereal time. It is fear hour …”
” … I’m beset by ague; my love has not written. Flaming maggots of hell…”
“… the falcon taunts me. come taunt me closer, insolent devil harpy and we’ll see what exactly death can destroy …”
“…the precious hour of parting lingers … why won’t you leave?”
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Tuesday, December 11, 2007)
“Cleopatra”
by ER Salo Deguierre
Where did our love go?
You took it away
Where did your heart go?
It changes every day
When you’re young you’re like a flower
Your heart blooms with every rose
Scarlet letter at her bosom
And she blushed when it would show
Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
We played like children and you were my only friend
Come on baby let me read my poem again
Where did our love go?
Thrown into the sea
Where did her heart go?
The asp she loved instead of me
She’s the kind who’d eat her diamonds
And swallow her own pearls
Just to make a young man’s heart race
Cause she’s not like other girls
Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
The asp has bit her and she needs it like a friend
Come on baby let me read my poem again
Where did our love go?
Suicide and wine
From lips to lips are splashing
Like a kiss and kiss in kind
If all the world is evil
And everyone is mean
Then we’ll meet again in heaven
One that only children see
Come on baby let me read my poem again
Read my letter if you don’t have the time
The snake has bit her and she loves him to the end
Come on baby let me read my poem again
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, December 10, 2007)
The UTA Online Channel is currently featuring The Retributioners, Episode 1 – The Virginity Pact
http://www.veoh.com/channels/UTAOnlinesubmissions
You can support “The Retributioners” by going to this link and clicking, clicking, clicking our film over and over. Imagine you are Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz clicking her heels. Over and over like she’s just taken a bunch of uppers. Click, click, click.
Posted in Uncategorized on January 28, 2009| Leave a Comment »
(Originally posted Monday, December 10, 2007)
Fake Fights and Rivalries Manufactured for Dramatic Purposes by the Media
–*Lindsay Lohan vs. Hilary Duff
–*George Clooney versus Fabio
–*Gen X vs. the baby boomers
–*Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston
–*Kanye versus 50 Cent
–*Leno versus Letterman
–*God versus Satan
–*Jesus versus Satan
–*Sylvester versus Tweety
–*Jessica Simpson versus Ashlee Simpson
–*The U.S. versus Spain (1898 )
–*The U.S. versus Iraq (2003)
–*The Oyster Bay Roosevelts versus the Hyde Park Roosevelts
–*East Coast Rap versus West Coast Rap
–*The Hyde Park Roosevelts versus West Coast Rap
–*Ali versus Foreman
–*Coke versus Pepsi
–*Nicole Kidman versus Jesus
–*John Lennon versus Jesus
–*Jack Paar versus Jesus
–*Snow White versus the Evil Queen
–*Evil queens versus huggable Lesbians
–*Republicans versus Democrats
–*Capitalists versus the workers
–*Men versus women
–*Blacks versus whites
–*Us versus them
–*Me versus you
Beauty is Imperfection 