Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

Yahoo! News is putting a preponderant amount of animal stories into its daily news mix. Could it be that there are really this many cute, fluffy pet stories that are really pertinent to us, during this, a time of war, economic crisis, political upheaval, and the threat of environmental catastrophe? Or maybe it’s something more universal at work. I think it was ancient Chinese philosopher Lao tzu who first said, “You know, people love pet stories.”

What are some of the big animal stories pushing murder and malfeasance off the front pages?

–*A group of three Doberman pinschers have learned to ride segways around the yard in Seattle.

–*A golden retriever named Dolph might have found WMDs in Iraq.

–*The United States has already invaded Iran using an all-dolphin force.

–*A gorilla at the San Diego Zoo has learned to say “fuck this fucking shit” in sign language.

–*A man who fed his dog McDonald’s food every day for a year now has a really fat dog.

–*Minnesotans say they have found a cat who knows instinctively when human beings are about to excuse themselves to go to the bathroom, fake their orgasms, or die.

–*A boy who didn’t like all the media attention his two-headed dog was getting killed it, “Of Mice and Men”-style.

–*We put a frog on a toy motorcycle and took a picture of it. Yes, that’s the news.

–*Here is a really cute picture of a small variety of lemur called an “aye aye.” And next up is video footage of a Madagascar woman trying to kill it with a hoe.

–*The city of Rome is infested with wild cats. Here are pictures of all the wild, wild cats.

–*Here’s a picture of a baby polar bear. We say “baby” polar bear because it’s cuter than calling it a cub. Doesn’t matter. They’re all going to die.

–*This is a picture of a bulldog with a Wisconsin cheese-head hat on it. Don’t worry. The dog doesn’t have any idea what “dignity” means.

–*Your Chihuahua would eat half your foot if it had a chance and look damn cute doing so. A Yahoo! investigation.

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 )

Movies That Are Really Good To Watch For Maybe 30 Minutes On Cable, At Least Until You Realize That There Are Better Things To Do With Your Time

–*The Science of Sleep

–*Ransom

–*Almost all Nicolas Cage movies since 1996

–*Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

–*Anaconda

–*Go

–*The Money Pit

–*Made In America

–*Conspiracy Theory

–*Runaway Bride

–*The Black Dahlia

–*Actually, almost anything with Scarlett Johansson except “Ghost World,” “Match Point,” “Lost In Translation,” and the Sponge Bob movie. While this would seem like a good record, it should also be noted that the woman won’t stop making bucket-loads of friggin’ movies.

–*Magnolia. (There, I said it. Bite me.)

And of course, movies only good for 10 minutes on cable are:

–*The Naked Co-Ed
–*Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade
–*Ghost in a Teeny Bikini
–*Busty Cops
–*Kinky Kong
–*Naked Surrender
–*Naked and Betrayed
–*Any episode of HBO’s “Tell Me You Love Me”

I think this could be a new thread. What movies do YOU think are only good for 30 minutes? In other words, what script was so good on the first 30 pages that nobody at the studios bothered to read the insipid 60 pages that followed?

Another topic: which films are two-thirds of a good movie? These might include “Titanic,” “Boogie Nights,” or the “The Magnificient Ambersons.”

Thoughts?

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(Originally posted Saturday, January 12, 2008 )

OK, so I didn’t write a blog post yesterday. Here are Top 10 possible reasons:

10. No one has ever expected me to write every day, and I, like everyone else who calls their blog a daily, is being kind of presumptuous in that regard

9. I’m busy looking for apartments, as I might be facing eviction

8. Was listening to The Flaming Lips

7. Was spending the day giving the cat her medicine so that she’ll stop wheezing like she’s going to die

6. Was copy editing a story for a financial planning magazine, and all of the precious time it takes to manicure sentences was more important than talking to YOU

5. Was shooting capo Bobby “Bacala” Baccalieri dead in a toy train store

4. Was worried — terrified in my soul — that I was not going to write the absolute best “Beauty is Imperfection” blog yesterday, and I could not stomach the idea that you good people were getting something less than stellar.

3. That eviction thing was true, so it bears repeating. So there, it’s 3 and 9. Sue me.

2. I was having a flashback to a Vietnam movie

1. I was editing “The Retributioners” Episode 2. Which practically dozens of people are waiting for.

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 10, 2008 )

Top 10 Scummy Practices of Slumlords To Force Evictions

10. Playing “She Ran Callin’ Wildfire” Through a Boom Box Outside Your Window

9. Failing to clean up the remains of the dead old woman in 3B

8. Serving a summons for official panty inspection

7. Failing to turn up the heat during winter but letting the smells of urine cook during the summer in the vestibule

6. Grandfathering in his gap-toothed nephew Stimpy to take your apartment as a family-member waiver

5. Upping your rent for every capital improvement you made, including putting a new ball in the toilet and fixing the condenser on the refrigerator so it doesn’t sweat

4. Invoking what the market wants for every decision, including whether to keep somebody on life support in their own home

3. Dusting off their shoes on your welcome mat. And they didn’t even ask.

2. The cat? What’d they do with the cat?

1. Obviously if you were dating a black guy, you should be kicked out. Everybody knows that.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, January 09, 2008 )

Musings on the New Hampshire Primary Results in Japanese Haiku

Hillary’s soft tears;
This is not a game, she weeps;
Waxes Barack’s ass

Rudy waits to win
larger primaries; says, “Bite
me, conservatives”

LBJ said that
crying at the right time is
just smart. He meant men

Mike Huckabee still
Rallies conservatives; the
kind with outhouses

Barack would win the
Youth vote if America’s
Youth voted; fat chance

Hillary squirts a
few, still wins primary; so
fuck you Ed Muskie

Independents like
Barack; Hill says he’s green; so
was Bill at first, shrew!

Newsmax says Hill is
finished; they’ve been saying that
for sixteen damn years

Steinem said sexist
Americans would shun Hill;
Real dumb, Gloria

Hecklers asked Hill to
Iron their shirts; so dumb it
seems planned by her

McCain was tortured
in Vietnam; he’ll invade
Almost anyone

Moderates like John
McCain; I do too; except
for his thoughts and plans

John Edwards fights on
To win South Carolina
“Need more white males here”

Fred Thompson’s lazy;
his wife wants this more than he;
She’s really hot though

Everyone wants to
enter game late like Thompson;
Too clever by half

Only assholes come
In the game late; assholes with
names like Ross Perot

Everyone wants to
Be the vote of change; but we’ll
Never leave Iraq

Why would all of these
Nice people want to have Bush’s
Dumb war shat on them?

Hillary voted
For the war; we all forgot
Go, Hillary, Go

Got any? Do the right thing and post them.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 08, 2008 )

The U.S. Navy recently reported that it had narrowly avoided a military skirmish with five Iranian speedboats in the Strait of Hormuz after the boats approached U.S. warships, then suddenly left the scene as an American destroyer was about to open fire. Senior navy officers describe the Iranian maneuvers as unnecessarily provocative. What are some of the things America is doing to provoke the Iranians to war-like behavior?

–*Speaking Farsi badly on purpose.

–*Throwing garbage over onto the Iranian side of the Iraq border

–*Denying them nuclear energy capability and a revolving credit account at Chase Manhattan

–*Our suggestion that we replace their nuclear energy program with a coal, steam and donkey system that’s more appropriate to their backward way of life.

–*Using the pejorative Arab word for Persians, “ajam,” which is a way of slighting one who mumbles. Also, shooting down airplanes full of Iranian civilians.

–*Attacking Iranian films such as “The Circle” and “The White Balloon” for being too formless and abstract.

–*Including Iran as part of an imagined “axis of evil” which makes no historical or rhetorical sense whatsoever, as well as hinting that Iran is gay.

–*Offering only $20 for a stereo that’s clearly a bargain at $25

–*Giving all the jobs at 7-11 to white teenagers

–*Adopting a policy of regime change until all of the country’s oil resources are back in the hands of rich white people.

–*Fondly boasting of our CIA-backed overthrow of their legitimately elected prime minister Dr. Mohammad Mossadegh in 1953 at diplomatic parties and U.N. meetings and on late night television.

–*Oh, and something else that might be influencing hostile Iranian behavior toward Americans is THE FORMATION OF A GIANT U.S. MILITARY APPARATUS THAT COMPLETELY SURROUNDS THEIR FUCKING COUNTRY LIKE A DRAGNET OF TERROR.

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 06, 2008 )

Upcoming Paintings We Can Expect From Master Ethan Hawke

“Ethan As French Comtesse”

“Ethan And Still Life With Grapes”

“Ethan And the Sinking of the Andrea Doria”

“Ethan With Cannikin And Spoon”

“Ethan On the Half Shell”

“Ethan as Pre-Raphaelite Naked Goddess Diana in the Forest”

“Ethan as Acteon, Turned Into A Stag and Beset By Hungry Curs”

“Ethan Hawke as Sybil of Cumae, Immortal But Shriveled to the Size of a Bean, Wishing Only To Die”

“Cubist Ethan Bathing at Avignon”

“Fauvist Ethan in Orange and Green”

“Ethan as Frida Kahlo as Herself”

“Ethan as Irish Giant Clooth-na-Bare, Wishing Only To Find A Lake Big Enough To Drown Himself In”

“Ethan Pouring Water From Urn”

“Ethan Lunching On The Grass Naked”

“Ethan Gesso Triptych”

“Pieta (With Ethan)”

“Ethan as Turkish Odalisque”

“Ethan as the Honest Courtesan”

“A Gathering of Ethans, The Ethans Become Flowers”

“Ethan As Mona Lisa”

“The Birth of Ethan”

“Pop Art Ethan With Polka Dots”

“Ethan, The Thinker (Lithograph)”

“Ethan Hanging On The Wall” (featuring Ethan as himself)

“Ethan Holds Up the World As Atlas” (caryatid)

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(Originally posted Saturday, January 05, 2008 )

A raft of film blurbs you would not likely want on your movie poster.

… a performance so understated, he’s practically dead …

… a film so loud and bombastic, it HAS to win an Oscar….

… Sexy action cool! That’s right. No verbs! Just “sexy action cool!” …

… Crazy sexy smart! …

… Crazy sexy pedophilia! …

… This movie will have you trotting to the bathroom …

… If you see only one movie this year, this could be the movie that you see this year …

… A movie with all the ambition you have come to expect from a director who is a bona fide asshole…

… A film with a budget and opening weekend grosses that will astound you …

… A feast for the eyes, ears, nose and mostly genitals …

… A really sentimental film, great for people who like that sort of thing …

… you can’t help but be manipulated by this touching story …

… Crazy Sexy Down Syndrome! …

… If consumer reports told you what movie to see, this movie would be the one least likely to cause you any type of harm …

… If Brando had a cinematic heir, here is the actor we would bestow that kiss of death on …

… This actress has the willingness to be nude that could make her a star …

… A treat for the whole family, especially the ones engaged in incest …

… This is a movie. Period. …

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(Originally posted Wednesday, January 02, 2008 )

Stephanie and I are back from a two week Christmas holiday in Oklahoma and Texas. Among other things we did:

–*Held a launch party for the Oklahoma premiere of “The Retributioners”;

–*Shopped for presents in roads covered with black ice;

–*Played with many babies, including the game “rocket ship,” in which childrens get launched from Uncle Eric’s foot up into the air;

–*Won several hands of Texas Hold-Em, until I started to lose several hands of Texas Hold-Em;

–*Got peed on by a new baby Chihuahua named Rosabelle;

–*Chased a few chickens around a friend’s backyard;

–*Fed some bunnies parsley;

–*Played drums and piano with a baby named Darlene;

–*Saw “No Country For Old Men” at Austin’s Alamo Theater, where you can watch the movie while drinking coffee and a mean milkshake;

–*Was disturbed by the movie’s message of violence and nihilism while enjoying said milkshake;

–*Drove eight hours from Austin to Oklahoma City while listening over and over to a song called “Redneck Roundup” and later another one called “Redneck Yacht Club”;

–*Discovered the magic of a friend’s Nintendo Wii;

–*Discovered that it’s hard to get a Nintendo Wii right now;

–*Enjoyed our friend Jason’s souped up XBox with vast multimedia capabilities that will destroy you;

–*Ate at Red Lobster;

–*Enjoyed multiple “artgasms” at the transplendent New Year’s Eve Flaming Lips show at the Cox Center (formerly The Myriad) in Oklahoma City, where the Lips lit onto the stage from a giant spaceship (Wayne Coyne himself rolling out inside a giant balloon) and where we all spent the evening punching giant balloons around the arena and attacking fellow audience members with our free laser pointers;

–*Enjoyed the Oklahoma City fireworks display marking 2008;

–*Crashed a truly lame black tie party at the beautifully restored Skirvin Hotel and danced for a few mere minutes to some really awful music ;

–*Visited with awesome photographer Romy Owens at a very cool Oklahoma City coffee shop (Romy’s on my friend page and you can find all of her art there);

–*Had a hearty Braum’s ice cream sundae with extra fat-making shit all over it;

–*Ate more fat making stuff in the form of a chicken friend steak, so FU Weight Watchers;

–*And finally, we said goodbye to all of the families and boarded a jet plane at 7:25 a.m. this morning and wistfully drank in the memories of a very happy holiday.

That’s a lot of god damned Christmas cheer.

I have a few crappy cell phone photos from the Flaming Lips show, but you can get a much better view of the fun on my brother-in-law’s page here.

Happy New Year to all. I hope you had as much fun as we did.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 01, 2008 )

–*Eat more spam

–*Drink more beer

–*Be nicer to people and pierce labia

–*See more Flaming Lips shows in Oklahoma City, even if you live in remote places like Brunei or China

–*Finish that dark, misanthropic novel in which all the characters die and nobody gets the money or any other kind of satisfaction, except the character who represents death. Call it “No Country For Old Gentle Folk.”

–*Move to the lovely, green, laid-back city of Austin, Texas. With a few hundred thousand more people, we can finally ruin it.

–*Have another baby out of wedlock.

–*No, two more.

–*Suck up to weasel boss more

–*Kill mistress; make it look like an accident

–*Smell the roses more. Then kill mistress and make it look like an accident.

–*Lose weight. Smell more roses. Move to Iraq to see what you’re made of.

–*Stop getting tattoos and move on to body scarification, which is more painful and way cooler.

–*Be friendlier and more engaging to that talkative 18-year-old pagan waitress who works at Bennigan’s. Get her pregnant.

–*Stop smoking. Start cutting.

–*Chase more chickens.

–*Punch Bono

–*Learn French and then don’t use it.

–*Participate in more assisted suicides.

–*Live. If you’re lucky enough to keep doing so.

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