Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, January 21, 2008 )

Top 10 New Medical Expressions

Nosocomical: a joke that’s only funny in a hospital

Iambic Hypoplasia: a stunted ability to understand Shakespeare

Super-coprophagialistic-expialidocious-the desire to play scatological sex games with an English nanny

Zoofroteurism-nonconsensual sexual rubbing against a woodland creature

Trichotillobotomy-a pulling of the hair until one’s brain splits in half

Postnuptial depression – the inevitable feelings of despair and dejection one feels after getting married

Bovine spongiform telepathy -the ability to move a mad cow onto the roof with your mind

Bradytachycardia-decreased heartbeat as a result of watching TV reruns
Toxospasmosis — blood poisoning that makes you uncool

Cephalalgia — what you call a headache if you’re a smart-ass know-it-all asshole doctor

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(Originally posted Saturday, January 19, 2008 )

Random Google Searches Today, Jan. 19

Economy + recession

“Economic collapse”

“Are we having an economic collapse?”

“Are we having having an economic collapse in Crawfordsville, Indiana?”

Mortgages

Mortgages and “in the toilet”

“What are mortgage-backed securities?”

“What are collateralized debt obligations?”

“Do we have collateralized debt obligations in Crawfordsville, Indiana?”

“Is my home owned by Arabs?”

“Arabs taking over the country”

“Arabs buying the ports”

Bush + Arabs + ports

Bush + Arabs + Dubai

Crawfordsville + housing + rentals

Crawfordsville + housing + Arabs

“Britney Spears”

“Jamie Lynn Spears”

Drinking + pregnant

“What happens if I drink while pregnant”

“What if I drink and do not know I am pregnant?”

“What if I smoke and do not know I am pregnant.”

“What if I do whippets and know that I am pregnant”

Crawfordsville + divorce

Crawfordsville + “divorce rate”

Crawfordsville + “divorce rate” + “state of emergency”

Crawfordsville + “divorce attorney”

Crawfordsville + “cheap divorce attorney”

Crawfordsville + “marriage counselor”

“Dr. Phil”

“Dr. Phil” + Oprah

“Dr. Phil” + Oprah + Britney

Oprah + single

“Is Oprah single?”

“Does Oprah own my house?”

“Who doesn’t own my house?”

Crawfordsville + “statutory rape”

Crawfordsville + “sex with students”

Crawfordsville + “sex with male student”

“Mary Kay La Tur No”

“Mary Kay Letourneau”

“Mary Kay LeTornneau” + happy

“Mary Kay LeTorneau” + hero

“Mary Kay Letourneau defense fund”

“in-home pregnancy tests”

“in-home pregnancy tests” + “statutory rape”

Crawfordsville + “bail jumper”

Crawfordsville + “bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Friday, January 18, 2008 )

The stock market has tumbled 9% this year, and the Fed and the Bush Administration are trying to ward off ruin with new economic stimulation initiatives.

What was the progression of events that brought the economy down?

–*First, middle and low-income people decided to buy houses, not realizing that they were not good enough people to own houses.

–*When they went looking for money to borrow for those houses, they found willing help from lenders who didn’t care if you had bad teeth, a shitty car, a tattoo, eight illegitimate children, 10 credit cards, a smack habit, three plasma TVs, a hooker in Reno who still thinks you’re going to marry her … and most important, they didn’t care if you had never paid your bills in your life. If you were lucky, the mortgage closure process could be finished while you were still on the parking meter.

–*These bad loans were put into little tiny pies, cut up, and then passed around to hundreds of banks with their horrible monetary version of botulism inside.

–*Further spreading the horrible paralytic toxin around, these things fell into mutual funds, hedge funds and big cake-like structured bank loans until nobody knew what kind of shit they were eating.

–*Given all the spotty loans, banks looked at their balance sheets and said, “Hey, there’s no way we have this much money.” And then they began to draw lines through all of the little numbers as they tried to figure out how much money they might actually have. Then they began to fire everybody.

–*Because nobody now knows at this point in 2008 how much it should cost somebody to loan money to somebody else, the banks said, “Fuck it! Let’s not loan money to anybody!”

–*Meanwhile, all the nice people with tattoos and plasma TVs moved out of the new houses they shouldn’t have owned in the first place and moved in with their sisters and their sisters’ husbands. That left a lot of empty houses, which are now being rented as the prices drop like a whore’s knickers on VJ Day.

–*Now that people’s homes have fallen in price, they are now spending less money on discretionary items such as Nintendos, cars, furniture, Vuitton Bags, Miu-Miu sandals and insulin, and saving their money only for important things like chocolate and beer. This slows down manufacturing, increases unemployment and forces people to lose their child-like faith in total uninterrupted lifelong prosperity, security and happiness.

–*…after which time they usually blame the sorry sack of shit who happens to be president.

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(Originally posted Friday, January 18, 2008 )

Hey all,

Remember, you can watch “The Retributioners” on both YouTube and “Funny or Die,” Will Ferrell’s site for funny videos. If you go onto “Funny or Die,” please vote for us and keep us from “Die-ing.”

http://www.funnyordie.com/theretributioners

Stephanie is going to start posting her “Retributioners” blog simultaneously on both MySpace and, now for the first time, on Blogger. The Blogger Web site is here:

http://theretributioners.blogspot.com/

I might start doing something like this myself at some point in the future. Depending on how much traffic I get from you good people.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, January 16, 2008 )

After much waiting, here is Episode 2 of “The Retributioners.”

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(Originally posted Wednesday, January 16, 2008 )

Sound problems are frustrating our best attempts to bring you the new “Retributioners.” Shit! It looks good in the editing software, but the Quicktime compression is violating and suppressing all the music on the soundtrack. This didn’t happen last time.

God damnit! Any tech heads want to weigh in, feel free. Otherwise, this might be waiting until tomorrow.

Fuck, shit and onions!

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

“Duster” (the somewhat fudged, but nonetheless astronomically inaccurate lyrics of a very loud song, sort of )
by ER Salo Deguierre

I can see the full moon rise
And then Oklahoma City rise
Up a crack inside the windshield of my car

We can sing out the open windows
Or you can punch me in my nose
And I feel blessed
Keep driving west
And let it go

I’ve seen red furrows torn
By a plowman in the morning
Could a plowman be so vicious
To his own?

Could I smile in the rain
That calls me back
To a broke down burger shack
Where we used to say
Let’s smoke this day into the past

I could tear off my skull
And I’d still never have my answer
But a wish is father to nothing
As far as I know

But I don’t care if the sun don’t shine
That’s just how I weave my time
We’ll live again
Inside our heads one day I know

Fresh wind blows through the grass
Like a hundred guitars strumming
And I’m here embracing life
And smile at death’s coming

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

Yes folks, it is almost that time again. Stephanie and I had planned on rolling out a new “Retributioners” once a month, and until recently, we had been on schedule–even given a two-week Christmas holiday in Oklahoma and Tex-ass. But then disaster struck at home, and we had to put off the editing of episode 2 for another week.

But now it is almost done. We are hoping to get it up tonight or tomorrow latest. Most of the work required now is just credits and music and spit and polish. Stay tuned for “Episode 2: Juanita Crackwhore.” And then it’s on to Episode 3. We hope not to make you wait as long for that one as you did for Season 6 of “The Sopranos.” Did that take a decade to finish or what?

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 )

Yahoo! News is putting a preponderant amount of animal stories into its daily news mix. Could it be that there are really this many cute, fluffy pet stories that are really pertinent to us, during this, a time of war, economic crisis, political upheaval, and the threat of environmental catastrophe? Or maybe it’s something more universal at work. I think it was ancient Chinese philosopher Lao tzu who first said, “You know, people love pet stories.”

What are some of the big animal stories pushing murder and malfeasance off the front pages?

–*A group of three Doberman pinschers have learned to ride segways around the yard in Seattle.

–*A golden retriever named Dolph might have found WMDs in Iraq.

–*The United States has already invaded Iran using an all-dolphin force.

–*A gorilla at the San Diego Zoo has learned to say “fuck this fucking shit” in sign language.

–*A man who fed his dog McDonald’s food every day for a year now has a really fat dog.

–*Minnesotans say they have found a cat who knows instinctively when human beings are about to excuse themselves to go to the bathroom, fake their orgasms, or die.

–*A boy who didn’t like all the media attention his two-headed dog was getting killed it, “Of Mice and Men”-style.

–*We put a frog on a toy motorcycle and took a picture of it. Yes, that’s the news.

–*Here is a really cute picture of a small variety of lemur called an “aye aye.” And next up is video footage of a Madagascar woman trying to kill it with a hoe.

–*The city of Rome is infested with wild cats. Here are pictures of all the wild, wild cats.

–*Here’s a picture of a baby polar bear. We say “baby” polar bear because it’s cuter than calling it a cub. Doesn’t matter. They’re all going to die.

–*This is a picture of a bulldog with a Wisconsin cheese-head hat on it. Don’t worry. The dog doesn’t have any idea what “dignity” means.

–*Your Chihuahua would eat half your foot if it had a chance and look damn cute doing so. A Yahoo! investigation.

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 )

Movies That Are Really Good To Watch For Maybe 30 Minutes On Cable, At Least Until You Realize That There Are Better Things To Do With Your Time

–*The Science of Sleep

–*Ransom

–*Almost all Nicolas Cage movies since 1996

–*Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

–*Anaconda

–*Go

–*The Money Pit

–*Made In America

–*Conspiracy Theory

–*Runaway Bride

–*The Black Dahlia

–*Actually, almost anything with Scarlett Johansson except “Ghost World,” “Match Point,” “Lost In Translation,” and the Sponge Bob movie. While this would seem like a good record, it should also be noted that the woman won’t stop making bucket-loads of friggin’ movies.

–*Magnolia. (There, I said it. Bite me.)

And of course, movies only good for 10 minutes on cable are:

–*The Naked Co-Ed
–*Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade
–*Ghost in a Teeny Bikini
–*Busty Cops
–*Kinky Kong
–*Naked Surrender
–*Naked and Betrayed
–*Any episode of HBO’s “Tell Me You Love Me”

I think this could be a new thread. What movies do YOU think are only good for 30 minutes? In other words, what script was so good on the first 30 pages that nobody at the studios bothered to read the insipid 60 pages that followed?

Another topic: which films are two-thirds of a good movie? These might include “Titanic,” “Boogie Nights,” or the “The Magnificient Ambersons.”

Thoughts?

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