Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, June 27, 2008

–*”Incest: It’s Only Shameful If You Make It So,” paid for by the North American Incest Love Association

–*”Tomatoes Don’t Kill People. It’s Still Pretty Much Guns That Kill People,” paid for by the Association of Tomato Growers and the Centers for Disease Control

–*”Heart Attacks: They Can Cramp Your Style,” paid for by the George Carlin Appreciation Society

–*”It’s Impossible To Go Too Far … But Now I’ve Really Gone Too Far,” paid for by George Carlin

–*”No Dog, No Dog,” paid for by cats.

–*”Guitars: It’s Not Cool To Play Them In Parks Anymore,” paid for by your ex-girlfriend

–*”Marriage: You Can’t Fuck It Up Too Many Times,” paid for by Ronald Perelman

–*What’d You Say? God, You Mumble Too Much!” paid for by any rock musician over the age of 30

–*”Get Out the Vote: Or We’ll Break Your Baby’s Legs,” paid for by Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe

–*”Fellatio: You Don’t Do It Since We Got Married,” paid for by your husband.

–*”Hookers: Because Your Wife Won’t Fellate You Since You Got Married,” paid for by the Reno, Nevada Association of Brothels.

–*”Visit Mexico (And We’ll Kill You),” paid for by drug lord Gomez Alvarado Savaadra Felix the almighty whose exploits and derring-do and charity are known through out this rolling land, and who is merciful and kind not to kill my youngest child after killing his three brothers

–*”You Can Never Have Too Much Bright, Shining MONEY Floating Around,” paid for the Federal Reserve

–*”Abortion: It’s the New Black!” paid for by the State of California

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Thursday, June 26, 2008 )

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) — The Supreme Court today issued a judgment that anybody who can understand the grammar of the Second Amendment of the U.S. Constitution has a right to bear arms. The judgment defends the right of individuals to protect themselves in their homes with firearms as long as they can parse the turgid, arcane, Latinate grammar used by the framers.

Justice Antonin Scalia and Justice John Paul Stevens argued over the ambiguous text for several hours today before the court handed down a 5-4 decision striking down a Washington, D.C. law restricting gun ownership.

Scalia argued that just because there is a prefatory clause with no subordinate clause in the Second Amendment does not mean a man does not have the right to brandish firearms. Better yet, knowing such grammar–a Latinate idiosyncrasy of 18th Century writing that uses the long lost absolute ablative case–will likely ensure that the person is responsible and well-educated.

“As far as you know,” Scalia added.

Asked about the decision, unemployed postal worker Derrick James of Covington, Kentucky exclaimed, “Woo-hoo! I think.”

The Second Amendment says explicitly: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

James replied: “Huh?”

“Well, I don’t know how explicit that is,” said Justice John Paul Stevens in his dissent. “I mean, this is the 21st Century. We use subordinate clauses now. I don’t see why it says what people think it says. I mean … gosh, if that first comma weren’t in there, maybe we’d having something.”

Justice Scalia preached calm on the decision today.

“The framers were very clear about the Second Amendment, which states very clearly something along the lines of: ‘If you can read this, you can own a gun.’ It’s like one of those bumper stickers-if you can read this, you’re too close, that kind of thing.”

When asked what the ablative case was, exactly, Justice Scalia said, “Here’s an example: ‘The judgment allowing guns in D.C. being handed down, Justice Scalia shall dive under his desk.'”

“Do I get my gun or not?” asked Dolores Hickey of Butte, Texas, as she waited with three children in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart. “I’ve got a few children here I need to start protecting right now.”

Legal expert Marshall Lyons, a professor at Georgetown Law and chairman of the conservative think-tank the American Society For a Better People, said, “There is absolutely no reason why the text of the Constitution is ambiguous about you buying a sweet, sweet Rossi model 461 snub-nosed revolver with a 2 inch barrel, a 1:16.5″ barrel twist and a six-round capacity, especially on the very dangerous streets of Washington, D.C. It says very clearly that you can have a gun if you can diagram sentences.”

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 )

How are we saving face after that horrible embarrassment?

–*Saying “I meant to do that.”

–*Doing a victory dance.

–*Flashing our boobs

–*Saying, “It’s OK, no one’s going to care in a hundred years.”

–*Wearing extra baggy clothes so nobody notices the baby bump

–*Faking your own death at Bear Mountain on the Hudson River and going to Canada

–*Saying “We were only doing what the entire subprime mortgage lending market was doing.”

–*Going off to play bridge in a national tournament while the investment bank you oversee as CEO drops to $2 a share, a 97.5% discount to book value, and staying to play bridge while everybody who looks to you for leadership loses his job.

–*Saying, “oops, I didn’t mean for it to happen that fast.”

–*Saying, “Yeah, so what, I finished. You should’ve known who I was, bitch.”

–*Saying, “I knew that. Why wouldn’t I know that? I knew that…”

–*Threatening to beat up your guest (this only applies to TV host Bill O’Reilly)

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 )

Retributioners 6 is up! In this latest episode, Stephanie finds a novel way to deal with people who steal your taxi. If you like it, forward it to your friends, and remember to vote “funny!”

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Wednesday, June 25, 2008 )

What completely out-of-the-blue, unexpected occurrence came along and destroyed a day you had planned for something else?

–*A computer crash?

–*A flat tire?

–*A mugging by street kids in heavy traffic near Salo Paulo, who did not care that you were soccer star Pele.

–*A gang rape by cartoon chipmunks

–*Roadside nail bomb

–*…in Orlando

–*… since roadside nail bombs are pretty common in other places

–*…like, I don’t know, Iraq

–*The termination of your job

–*Death

I guess I should count my lucky stars that the only one of these I suffered today was a horrible computer crash. But it did pretty much ruin my day. Somehow, we hope to get “Retributioners Episode 6” up later tonight (or early this morning) anyway.

Hope your day went as planned, you lucky bastards.

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Monday, June 23, 2008 )

–*Girlfriend does hula hoop game on a Nintendo Wii, forcing her to thrust her pelvis provocatively, but in a way that doesn’t officially count as porn

–*Boy eats cherries off girlfriend’s feet, a clip full of foot shots that are provocative, but do not officially count as porn

–*Dog humps child

–*Dog humps soldier

–*Kittens vomit cutely

–*…on soldier

–*Animated GIFs of George Bush’s head in a Pac Man game.

–*Girl falls on ass. Slaps friend repeatedly for laughing. Still not quite porn, though it will definitely get some of you hot.

–*Ten Brazilian boys playfully accost, mug, beat, rob soccer star Pele in traffic near Sao Paulo

–*Almost a boob shot

–*Almost an ass shot

–*Almost a shot of Abe Vigoda. I tell you he’s not dead.

–*My computer program that shows how three-dimensional sub-manifolds can be stretched into simpler …. no I’m sorry. Full frontal breast exam.

–*S&M Queen For A Day! Almost 90,000 served!

I hope you all have had a good day. I would wish George Carlin a quick journey to heaven, but I don’t think he believed in all that shit. In any case, rest in peace, George. You did good.

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Friday, June 20, 2008 )

What Things Are 8-Year-Olds Repeating That They Don’t Understand?

–*”We’ve got plenty of oil right here in American to drill.”

–*”Ethanol just won’t solve our problems.”

–*”I will end you.”

–*”Iron Man had a real gritty side.”

–*”It’s hard to be a Christian.”

–*”That’s socialized medicine for you!”

–*”I think there are too many flaws in Obama’s plan.”

–*”I think people just blame America first.”

–*”911 changed everything.”

–*”Our love is bigger than that!”

–*”This pool party is off da hook.”

–*”It’s hard to be a father.”

–*”I wish I could quit you.”

–*”I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

–*”Man doesn’t need any animal tissue at all.”

–*”A man and a woman can never really be friends. Sex always gets in the way.”

–*”What is the measure of a man?”

–*”I’m surrounded by philistines!”

–*”Hillary was only in it for Hillary.”

–*”A country without borders is not a country.”

–*”It’s a hard thing to kill a man.”

–*”Evolution just doesn’t make sense.”

–*”This is my fight, and I’ll fight it my way.”

–*”She’s my soul mate.”

–*I’ll never love again.”

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Friday, June 20, 2008 )

John McCain has recently gone on the attack against Barack Obama, saying his approach to international affairs displays a “pre-Sept. 11” mindset. What exactly constitutes the pre-911 mindset?

–*A mindset in which you did not have to attack any and all neighbors blindly

–*A disposition in which you went after the people who had harmed you rather than dispatching any type of foreigner who fit their description. You know, Sacco and Vanzetti style.

–*A love of Hootie and the Blowfish

–*A mild taste for pesto

–*A belief in the rule of law and the idea that it is only bad guys in the Soviet bloc who torture people

–*A belief that a president’s power should be curbed by either the Constitution or by having criminal Republican mole operatives feeding false information about him to conservative magazines whose readers’ imaginations don’t rise much above the smut level

–*A belief that America should be careful throwing weight around, because even a lightly used bit of American military power usually results in thousands of innocent people dying

–*A belief that health care for every American might be a noble goal to strive for, and that presidents wiretapping your phones might be less than desirable.

–*A belief that large-scale military operations are not perhaps the best answer to terror.

–*A reasonable outlook that says an attack by terrorists is not an act of war but an act of crime since there is no other country involved. Not to mention a reasonable outlook that says those who do call it war are demagogic–appealing only to the emotions of their audiences, who refuse to avail themselves of logic or insight.

–*And the saddest thing about the pre-911 mindset is that all of these are things conservatives used to believe, though I can’t vouch for the Hootie and the Blowfish part.

Do yourself a favor this November. If anybody uses 9-11 to win your vote, regard that person with the same wariness you would a child molester. Their ethics are pretty much the same at this point.

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008 )

Stephanie and I found this on the “Funny Or Die” Web site. It’s funny enough as it is, but extra funny because it originated in my home town. Will Ferrell himself has selected it as his favorite this month and said, “This video makes me want to move to Oklahoma and eat Mr. Spriggs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Wednesday, June 18, 2008 )

Top Ways We Are Rationalizing and Justifying What We Did

–*It was him or me

–*The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

–*They weren’t right together anyway.

–*I was stopping communism.

–*She was rich and didn’t need the extra baby.

–*I figured there was a good chance he was dead already, so why not go ahead and bury him.

–*He would have cheated first if he’d thought of it.

–*What difference does one shoplifted hat make?

–*I’m a Nietschean superman and I invent my own moral universe.

–*At least I’m smart enough to get paid for it.

–*Because money makes the world go round.

–*Because they were Jews.

–*Because they were not Jews.

–*Because I’m the one Anna Nicole really loved.

–*Because the safety of the planet is vested in my person as president of the U.S., and thus my office is infallible.

–*Because I am the living vicar of Christ and successor of St. Peter on Earth, and thus I am infallible.

–*The heart wants what it wants.

–*Mike Tyson need woman.

–*I am the jury. Pull my finger.

Read Full Post »