(Originally posted Saturday, December 22, 2007)
Oklahomans Celebrate Opening of New Planned Parenthood Clinic
WILLIAMBINE, OKLA. — The sounds of kettle drums and marching bands … the sight of balloons, clowns, tumbling acrobats and acrobatic planes. Such gay festivities heralded the opening of a brand new Planned Parenthood clinic in Williambine, Okla., Wednesday as Oklahomans stepped up and do their part to end runaway birth rates. Wild celebrations marked the event, bands and magicians performed, and politicians came to give praise to the much needed clinic, where the many hundreds, if not thousands, of unwed young Oklahoma mothers will hopefully come and seek the advice of trained professionals about what they can do to stop all the rampant baby-making going on in the Sooner State.
“It’s been hard here in Oklahoma for so long, what with many people’s lack of understanding about family planning,” said Wilhemina Jenks, 26-year-old mother of five from nearby Ada. “We just keep having them and having them and having them and having them and having them. Where’s the leadership? Somebody had to do something. Mom? Dad?”
The ribbon-cutting ceremony at 8 a.m. was immediately followed by fire eaters, jugglers and clowns on stilts as onlookers thrilled at the site of the brand new prefab building colored white with brown trim and the “Planned Parenthood” logo embossed near the door in shining gold intaglio. A member of the military, Sgt. Judd Newsome, came over to give it a polish.
“I’m proud of that logo,” he said, tearfully. “It’s just so bright and shining.”
Members of the local military were on hand to fire a salute from armory cannons, and afterward, the town put on potato sack races while cheerleaders from Williambine High, the “Fighting Remuda,” performed rollicking numbers from ” Gypsy” and, of course, “Oklahoma.” The joyous cries of men and women lauding sound reproductive choices for the first time pealed from stucco and exposed gravel facades far and near.
“I just can’t tell you how much we needed this clinic,” said Tamara Hennessey, a 39-year-old grandmother, who is raising three kids belonging to her daughter, now unseen for the last three years and believed to be in Las Vegas. Hennessey added, “I mean, I believe in God and Jesus and all that. But come on. We don’t have to be psychos about it.”
Mayor Jerry Rippee was on hand for the ribbon cutting, just as he was for the opening of Wal-Mart two days before. “I can tell you,” Rippee joked, “You can buy socks at Wal-Mart. But here at Planned Parenthood, you can get the gloves for free. Hint hint, fellows!”
The crowd laughed heartily at Mayor Rippee’s joke.
“I guess you could say,” added city councilwoman Marjorie Bierhorst, “that good birth planning is a civic duty. It’s where the rubbers meet the road.” Like Mayor Rippee, she was also received with laughter and cheers.
The festivities were continued with a watermelon thump and a pumpkin toss, as well as a strongman contest and a good old-fashioned line dance.
“Oklahomans are an upstanding Christian people,” said Chrissy Timpkins, 22, holding one baby up on her shoulder as another one crawled around nearby on the end of a string. “But hey. Look around. How stupid do you have to be? We need someone to friggin talk about all the G** d***** babies.” She then had to leave to look for her third child, who was lost somewhere in the crowd.
Rev. Clive Oster of the local Baptist Church agreed. “The Bible said that sex should only be enjoyed within the bounds of marriage. But come on. This isn’t medieval times.”
“When Britney Spears’ 16-year-old little sister got pregnant,” said Timpkins, “children wanted to know how it could happen. Well, this is how it happened: she had somebody’s penis stuck in her and he ejaculated! Let’s just say it in English, for cryin’ out loud!”
Sally Shrimpton was the very first customer to enter the doors of the clinic at 9:35 a.m. She turned and waved to the crowd before entering and said, “I thank all of you good Oklahomans for coming out to show your support for safe reproductive choices in Oklahoma. You really are a hearty, robust and rational kind of folk, the kind who make our country great.” She then went inside and terminated her pregnancy, emerging to cheers and congratulations a few hours later.
At the end of the night, the town held a spectacular fireworks display and held a dance. The condoms were free, of course.
“This is sensible health and reproductive planning — Sooner style,” said Bud Heigle, holding up a plate of pork ribs in one hand and a fistful of glow-in-the-dark prophylactics in the other, and adding, “Get ‘er done!”
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