Archive for September, 2009

–*Subtitles in English, French, Apache, Kurdish and Kanji Japanese.

–*Commentaries explaining the plot of such films as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Star Wars and Beethoven’s 2nd if you’re not following them.

–*Director’s Cuts

–*Studio Edit

–*Your Mom’s Edit

–*A special “Edit Your Own Fucking Version of Apocalypse Now” feature

–*Slow-motion “Quaalude Vision”

–*Fast-motion “Dexie Vision”

–*Fractured, Blinking “Epilepsy Mode”

–*Go Straight to “The Sorrow and the Pity” Button

–*Special “communist” filters tell you when characters are acting according to selfish bourgeois interests by seeking success, falling in love or driving a car.

–*Subtitles with a bouncing ball

–*Subtitles with the bouncing head of Herve Villechaize

–*Subtitles all disordered in special “Charlie Manson Vision.”

–*A feature that adds Amish muttonchops and hats to every male character.

–*A feature that automatically removes actress Rebecca Pidgeon

–*Face eating snakes coming out of the television

–*A special blank screen called “Get-Out-Of-The-House-And-Make-Something-Of-Your-Life Vision”


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Here are a few imperatives for you, dear readers, as you go about your day.

This is the anniversary of the attacks on 9/11 2001. I exhort you to do the following:

Live. Breathe. Eat. Hug. Read something. Write something. Tell someone you love them. Make love. Brush your teeth. Go to the bathroom. Walk. Think. Dream. No, don’t just dream. Dream big. Why shouldn’t you? You’re alive. And that makes you the luckiest son of a bitch there is.

Don’t think about what you haven’t done. It’s a waste of time. Don’t think of what you’re too old to do. There’s no such thing as too old. Don’t think of what you’re too young to do. You can do plenty. Don’t think of missed opportunities. While you’re thinking about them, you might miss more.

Take responsibility for your own happiness. Take responsibility for your unhappiness too. If you got up this morning with happiness to spare, share it. Whatever you’re doing, try not to become too obsessed with the end result. Just realize that in the act itself, there is a dignity and the integrity of a living person making his or her way on this planet.

The universe may or may not be a fluke, but you change it just by being here. Time doesn’t exist. Not unless you weave it into something. Make it something good.

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What were some of the highlights of President Barack Obama’s address to Congress Wednesday night?

8:15 p.m. Obama thanks the health insurance industry for making the 111th Congress possible.

8:20 p.m. Obama name checks a distinguished pantheon of Americans who have so far totally failed to bring you decent health care, including Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy Kennedy, John McCain, Hillary Clinton, George Bush and Alan Alda.

8:25 p.m. Obama stops and smokes a cigarette.

8:30 p.m. Obama excoriates those who have tried to kill reform altogether by spreading lies about the health care bill. Though he doesn’t name them personally, those people pretty much admit their guilt by sitting down and not clapping for this statement. We thank those people for telling us who they are.

8:40 p.m. Obama stops briefly while the field crew sweeps the floor and dances to “YMCA”

8:45 p.m. Obama stops to remind people that the Bratz dolls still dress like sluts

8:50 p.m. Obama suddenly inserts orders for American children to kill their parents according to plans laid out in his Tuesday speech to classrooms. “You know where the forks are. Like we talked about. On three!”

9:00 p.m. Obama is heckled by South Carolina Republican Rep. Joe Wilson for the “take her home like a six pack” joke.

9:01 p.m. Wilson yells “You lie!” after Obama says that illegal immigrants are not covered by the health care bill, after Obama says Teddy Roosevelt was president, and after Obama reads the list of specials in the Congressional cafeteria

9:10 p.m. Joe Biden still has something in his eye

9:15 p.m. Obama says that amid the health care debate, America has seen Congress at its worst (when it does nothing) and at its best (when it does nothing).

9:16 p.m. Rahm Emanuel eats a severed human hand.

9:18 p.m. Wow, after three beers … Nancy Pelosi man … I’m just sayin’.

9:20 p.m. Obama thanks the pharmaceutical companies for making Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh possible.

9:25 p.m. Obama wonders aloud why such strident political ideology is hindering progress. He just can’t imagine why influential Republican swing voter Sen. Charles Grassley, for example, would be so ideological about this health care bill.

9:30 p.m. Obama makes some controversial statements about how much his health care plan would cost, saying a lot of it was money already being spent anyway. This rankles Republicans who insist that only they be allowed to run up crippling deficits, because they do it for good reasons, after all.

9:31 p.m. Katie Couric says Obama shouldn’t kiss so many people what with swine flu running rampant.

9:31 p.m. Actually, kissing up to pigs happens a lot in this business.

9:32 p.m. Republicans several times fail to get up to clap, showing that, as an abrasive and loud minority, they are not afraid to use their thumb-sucking petulance as a weapon.

9:35 p.m. In response to Obama’s remarks, several Republicans hold up copies of a booklet which, given their complete lack of interest in reforming health care, is probably a copy of the new “Harry Potter.”

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Washington, D.C. (API) As President Barack Obama gears up to deliver an address aimed directly at the nation’s schoolchildren on Tuesday, critics are already blasting away at the idea, which they say might have the unintended adverse effect of encouraging more black children to run for president.

“This speech to children is just a travesty,” said commentator Glenn Beck. “I can’t believe he would try to talk directly to our children. Barack Obama is a racist.”

Many opponents of the speech, including the chairman of the Republican Party of Florida, Jim Greer, said that Obama’s speech was meant to “indoctrinate” students, clearly meaning that young black children might take the wrong example by having a black president speak to them from such a large and impressive pulpit. One of the most powerful positions in the world. One of such considerable prestige, influence and responsibility that it stirs great tremulous fear in every soul.

“I am absolutely appalled that taxpayer dollars are being used to spread President Obama’s socialist ideology,” said Greer, a thinly veiled but obvious reference to Obama’s skin color, which is black.

Many Republican leaders agreed that there could be little positive outcome from such a speech, as there had been in the past when Presidents Reagan, Bush and Clinton spoke directly to children about their liberties and responsibilities as citizens of a free nation. The innocuous text of the speech itself, which opponents forced the White House to publish on the Internet, explains very clearly that children should stay in school and be good citizens, a message that has left no doubt in the mind of detractors: Obama is a black man speaking to children.

“I am just speechless with rage,” said Mary Worthington, a shopper in Concord, New Hampshire. “The absolute appalling arrogance of this man to manipulate the media this way and try to bend pliable young minds with his ‘I am a black man talking out loud’ message–that’s just too much for me to bear.” Worthington said she was so angry she just couldn’t talk about it anymore.

Political analysts, pundits and talking heads were keeping their index fingers to the wind Monday night to gauge how much damage Obama might have done to himself by eliciting such an outpouring of rage.

“It’s too soon to say whether Obama has buried himself politically,” said Dane Zweibel, an analyst at the American Business Institute. “I know he thought he was doing a positive thing with his message. However, I don’t think he realized the unintended effects it would have on black children watching. Now, any of them think they can run for president. I think it’s important that Americans have stood up this way to show the nation’s black children once and for all exactly what they can expect if they try to express themselves in any way, shape or form.”

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–*A special function that allows you to send dirty messages to prison inmates.

–*A special function that allows you to conk your congressman over the head if he supports health care reform legislation.

–*A special interface that allows everybody following Ashton Kutcher on Twitter to give him an electrical shock about one-tenth the intensity of the TASER.

–*A special function that incorporates a camera, voice-to-text translation, digital signatures, phone book, keyboard, microphone and e-mail so that you can speak to that cute girl across the room.

–*Virtual sugar.

–*”The Style Guide,” a Twitter-type interface that allows 20,000 people to instantly text you and tell you that the shirt you’re wearing makes you look gay.

–*The “Pedophile Filter,” making sure that you’re only chatting with real 11-year-olds.

–*Virtual blindness. An app you JUST CAN’T SEE!!

–*An application that sends you straight to the online advertisements you love, such as the girl who dances about her new subprime mortgage.

–*The subprime mortgage finder.

–*”Sheepfuckers Only, VIP”

–*A function that allows a million people to tell you instantly that you’re acting like a douchebag, Dick Cheney.

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George Gunderson was sitting in the park Thursday night reading a book by D.H. Lawrence when a few people started walking by, first five or six, then a dozen. At first he thought there might be some kind of auto accident that had happened, and he got up to look around, thinking somebody might need his help with CPR.

As it happened, the hubbub was in the middle of a nearby stadium where the rock band the Counting Crows was playing. Gunderson was shocked.

“I thought they broke up years ago,” he said.

Like many, Gunderson said he was slightly amused and entertained by the song “Mr. Jones,” when it was on the radio almost a generation ago. But he figured the blandly entertaining and ultimately forgettable song would be the last he or anyone else would ever hear of this middling, second string and mildly annoying band.

“Then, what do you know?” he says. “There they are, right in the middle of creation. They have their instruments out. And there was even a small group of people who had come to see them. At first, I even thought the phalanxes of girls passing by were cute. Not so much now, though now that I know where they’re going.”

Gunderson says he feels a bit like Rip Van Winkle.

“I mean, this is a real anachronism. I stopped listening to stuff like that a long time ago. It’s like finding a skinny tie from your trunk, and here you thought you’d thrown it away when you were 14.”

As the band ripped into its unrelievedly awful version of Joni Mitchell’s “Big Yellow Taxi,” Gunderson thought for a second he felt a twinge of nostalgia. But he quickly got over it.

“I don’t really have time for stuff like that,” he said. “I’m older. People have died. Life is short. Nostalgia is pretty much a waste of my time.

“That’s how I sort of figured everybody else was thinking, which is why I’m still not sure I’m really hearing the Counting Crows. I’m pretty sure this is a just a bad dream I’m having.”

Gunderson then asked a reporter to pinch him and make sure he wasn’t.

“No,” said Gunderson. “I guess I’m really here and that’s really the Counting Crows playing.”

Since the early ’90s or “whenever that song was big,” Gunderson says, he’s really grown into much more sophisticated kinds of music, whether it be classical or pop.

“There’s a lot more irony and less false earnestness in Prokofiev and Leonard Cohen. Hell… even in Snoop Doggy Dogg. There’s just so much more out there than the song you got drunk to at a bad office party in 1995.”

When told that Counting Crows had released a new album in 2008, Gunderson shook his head.

“Wow,” he said. “I couldn’t even imagine that as a Christmas gift. Not for my mother, not for my ex-girlfriend. Not for anybody. I’m just shocked … I mean, I guess the band members have to eat. Maybe that’s why they keep doing it. I just can’t think of any other reason. I sort of figured they’d saved up enough money that they could stop. Maybe for our sake if not for their own.”

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Jaycee + Dugard

Jaycee + Dugard + Kidnap

Jaycee + Dugard + slave

Jaycee + Dugard + pictures

Jaycee + Dugard + pictures + compound + tents + garbage + toilets

Phillip + Garrido

Phillip + Garrido + rapist

Phillip + Garrido + castrate

Jaycee Dugard + captive + 18 years

Jaycee Dugard + pictures + adult + location

Jaycee + Dugard + daughters + pictures

“Why can’t I see Jaycee Dugard’s daughters?”

“Why can’t I see Jaycee Dugard grown up?”

“Why can’t I see Jaycee Dugard grown up right now?”

Chris Brown + Larry King

Chris Brown + Rihanna + “domestic violence” + “don’t remember”

“Does Chris Brown not remember beating up Rihanna?”

“How can I remind Chris Brown he beat up Rihanna?”

“Chris Brown” + “mailing address”

“Larry King” + “functionally retarded”

“Whitney Houston” + comeback + suck

Garrido + neighbor + complain + police

police + search + lazy + “not thorough”

“Contra Costa County Sheriff’s Office” + “functionally retarded”

Jaycee Dugard + brainwashed + Stockholm Syndrome

“Why did Jaycee Dugard stay with captors?”

“Why did Jaycee not run?”

“Why did Jason dump Melissa?”

“Why did Japan attack Pearl Harbor?”

geisha + maid + sex

Will I be kidnapped?

Will I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome?

Could I be brainwashed?

“Stockholm Syndrome” + brainwashed + “Glenn Beck” + “Fox News”

U.S. + “universal health care” + No. 37 + “laughingstock of world” + “Glenn Beck” + “Fox News”

“Where can I get universal health care?”

“Where can I get universal health care in Boise, Idaho?”

“Boise Idaho” + “bus station”

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